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its prolly the tired talking bc i always get rly paranoid when im sleepy but houoyguoydyidydidjgsghhfsfhsfhz i wish i were Normal sometimes this is getting actually ridiculous . i should not be hyperfixating on smth so bad that it flares up rsd over literally nothing and physically tires me out when i try 2 focus on anything else oh myGODD

shakes the Me around girl i PROMISE just bc nobody responded to infodump rant number 9696872368 doesnt mean they hate u ppl HAVE other interests n things they r allowed 2 focus on . i dont wanna say shit n be a little bitch about it bc this is so incredibly a Me issue literally nobodys doing anything wrong aside from mee???

im jussst hoping im not overly pushy or like begging for attention or forcing ppl into stuff without realizing it ikik its dumb 2 think that like goooood LORD i promise u arent secretly an abuser holy shit . i just cant get rid of the nagging thought of Ok But What If I Am its so dumb . this hyperfix makes me genuinely happy ehich is great i do NOT want my sleepy sleepy paranoid anxiety dampening thst 4 me. im going to sleep fuckihn bye im normal

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Kinda glad I didn't write anything here while yesterday was happening. This isn't really a vent post, I guess, but it still should go here. Just... taking a moment to vomit up my feelings on the entire matter. If someone sees it, they do, if they don't, they don't. I don't really mind, honestly. Talking into the void and all. Might show this to my therapist later??? But uh, I guess I just. Feel like I should talk about it in some way where it'll remain a lot more... Concrete.

I'm still kind of reeling from it all. Still processing and everything. I've cut friends off before (though it was less so me doing it, and moreso me asking for other people to do it for me because in the end, I'm still scared of letting go of people). This one feels different. Or maybe it's just how long it's been? I guess I can't say my personal feelings after the fact have changed: it's been a storm of emotions since it fully hit me, and I'm sure it'll be like this for a while.

I still care a lot about him. I still love him as a friend, and honestly, if it were only me, I never would've even let this happen. In the end though, as minuscule as my experiences feel, and as much hope that I have that he can absolutely improve himself with effort, the fact remains that I wasn't the main one who was hurting here. My two closest friends were-- people who I call my brothers. One put on a pedestal and pulled around for years, and the other seemingly openly hated by him. I'd never mention things said in private on a blog anyone can see, but as much as I tried to shrug it off so that my brother wouldn't know, I just couldn't at a remark like that.

I guess I didn't do it because I hated him. I never really even felt resentment. I was nervous, yeah, but it wasn't friendship ending. Probably why my main fear has been over this being too far, it being too much, too sudden, too unseen. Because for me personally, it... was. I can't say nothing was wrong on my end, but I think the ultimate "why" is because the ones in the greatest pain were people I see as family. And those people, I care about too much to stand by and let suffer, or god forbid, have me add to their passion.

In the end, I wish him the best, though. I hope he'll be happy and have friends, and improve. And I'm sorry I need won't be there for it.

I'll add more to this later.

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arent you tired of being depressed. dont you just wnat to go apeeshiiiit

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i am so tired of being empty i just want to feel again! ive known ive been depressed for a long time but its been hitting SO hard lately and bc nobody ever fucking listens to me when i say "hey i think i have this issue" i dont have any idea how to cope or pull through this n man. im pushing through to the best of my ability but this! fucking! sucks! and i am in hell! and i cant take a  break from the thing thats causing it so its just continuing 2 b a fuckin downwards spiral  bc i guess no adult in my life other than like four of them who can only do so much to help actually give two shits about my mental health . im feelin hate and rage and frustration n id absolutely LOVE to cry rn but physically i Cannot bc at the same time theres just a lot of Nothing in me and i have no energy to express these feelings in any way that isnt incoherent typign venting whenever i can gather my fried thoughts enough to formulate words n im just. hrjknlsnmkfds. mentally barking and shaking the bars of my cage screamin like that one meme LET ME OUTTTTTTTTTTTT its like depression n wrath are both at war in me except i dont want to be Either Of Them so i just want ot fuckgn sleep all the itme instead im so sick of it. id lvoe to have energy and motivation for anything again that would be epic

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erhgnjsdnkjdfmskmlfdsfknsald;ksmkdmklssklsa.,ckmd

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everythingggg i doo and everything i am feels fake! yahooo

i feel like ive been pretending for so long to be positive like. i want to be happy! i am happy usually! i think, at least. but also i feel like maybe ive just fooled myself into thinking im the optimist, too. i just. am definitely not happy right NOW but i just,,,,, dont want to be the negative one. i cant stand the thought of being anything less than what i usually am around the people i care about. i like being able to be the one that can always offer a smile to ppl! its,, nice really to be the one thats always :D and stuff. im just. hoping i can really mean it again soon. 

usually it comes so naturally like i didnt feel like such a phoney until recently but now i just. feeeel like puree shit. nobodys forcing me to act this way except myself n i guess letting myself be the Wholesome One gives me a purpose? maybe its selfish idk haha,, i just. dont know what else to do with myself. i just want to fake it til i make it, honestly being :D and ^v^ genuinely makes me feel good and i DONT want to stop!!!!!!! like GOD i dont want this to come off that way. 

what i need!!!!! is for it to stop being so HARD to act like that. because it sucks. it sucks hard. im tired of feeling like i have to exaggerate every happy thing i say so it comes off like how i was. i hate feeling so,,,,, fake with my positivity. im doing better at letting myself Feel Other Emotions but i dont want to lose my upbeatness with it. ive got a LOTTT of ugly thoughts and feelings that dont feel like me buried down in here and i feel like this stress is going to let that beast out and i think it already is?? njdsjdjsdl fuck it feels so bad to be slipping like this. i dont know what feelings are real anymore

i dont WANT to be angry at everything and fuck. i dont even know exactly what im actually feeling anymore or what its towards???? im just. sick of this. i want to be happy! i want to love myself!! i want to mean it when i type stupid fucking cute cringe emoticons! 

i just wanna ^-^ without feeling fucking like a phoney and getting smacked with guilt and. thats stupid, isnt it? but i guess i really mean it fully. i want! to feel like myself again.

this sucks

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hrm. havent used this in a long time but im not about 2 put this on my cr sideblog bc it’ll probably attract more shit but uh

protip: if you want me to take you seriously about how a character is not an antisemetic caricature, a good first step is. not saying an actual fucking slur in your ask. what the actual fuck.

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i love being ridiculed for learning to love vocally again. is “stop, that hurts me” so hard to understand? 

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Time to be salty bc I found a YouTube video that filled me with rage but like.

The concept that "xyz is ABSOLUTELY INEXCUSABLE and should never be laughed at.......... UNLESS it happens in this one scenario. then it's fine and definitely okay and if you expect anything else out of the scenario then you're stupid" dispite it literally just being. the same awful shit and humor in a different coat of paint. That really ticks me off.

who CARESs what the setting is......... who CARES about the morality of the characters...... who CARES about the tone of the show........ It doesn't fucking matter if it's still played in a way that expects the audience, not the fictional people but the real life audience, to laugh at this fundamentally horrible stuff without feeling bad.

When we agree that under no circumstances that laughing at something like that is okay... Then it's not ever okay!! It's not okay to laugh at racism, sexism, homophobia, negative stereotypes, sexual assault, etc etc etc you get what I mean. People can talk all they want about how "oh well the character is a bad person in heck so it's ok if they say that" BUT LIKE. SHUT UP. AND LIIIISSTENNNnnnnn.....

THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE IS.........

the character was written. by a real person. and this real person is someone who wrote that awful, offensive, harmful thing, put the words in the characters mouth, and expected the audience, other real people, to laugh. It's a joke written by someone who decided that horrible awful thing was funny. No matter how you paint it, no matter how its played, no matter what the scenario, it's still. the same. horrible. awful. harmful. JOKE. it's not played as a bad thing, it's played for laughs. it doesn't make you feel bad for laughing either, it just turns around and drops another joke like the last.

If a joke is what it is then no amount of "it's in h e double hockey sticks" is going to change the fact that a real person is expecting you to laugh at some vulnerable minority that can really be harmed by it!!! And that's what's fucked up about it!!!

Nothing excuses the expectation to laugh. NOTHING. the harm of others isn't fucking funny and it should never be treated like it is. For two seconds, just open up your eyes and see this kind of stuff for what it really is:

not a dark and edgy joke. but an insult to possibly millions of real people that can and will be harmed by it.

(further ranting in the tags)

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I think I just lost them.

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panic time 😎

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fuck. this is why I don't talk to people about these things.

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I want so so so BADLY to just be able to talk to someone. hey some help talking them down but if I do it'll only make things worse because of how things went the last time I did,,,,, god help me, I don't know what to do...

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You mean the world to me. don't do this. i can't go through the thought of losing you again.

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ahaha! I feel like I'm gonna be sick. why is this happening again

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It's a mental shutdown *plays kazoo aggressively*