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Sex After Trauma

I tried to shorten this into an easy to read section, but I had to cut some things out that I thought were important, so I really want to encourage you to read the full post if you have the energy for it. 

Many trauma survivors struggle with sexual activity, even if their trauma wasn’t sexual. Fear of being triggered, freezing, or feeling unsafe is valid but sex can still be positive with the right care and preparation (if that’s something you’re interested in.).

1. Check in with yourself

Ask yourself:

Do I feel safe with this person?

How do I feel when I imagine sex? (Excited, neutral, scared, panicked?)

Why do I want to have sex? (Is it for me, or because I feel pressured?)

Can I talk to them about boundaries, STIs, or birth control?

While these points will not answer definitively, they can definitely be thought-provoking and get you to consider.

2. Communication is key

Before: Talk about boundaries, comfort levels, and potential triggers. You don’t have to share your trauma details. Just what’s relevant to feeling safe.

During: Have verbal or non-verbal signals for “stop,” and plan check-ins like, “Does this feel good?” or “Talk to me.”

After: Let your partner know how to support you. Some people need cuddles, others need solo time or self-care.

3. Set yourself up for success

You don’t have to follow any “rules” of sex. Skip kissing if you want, leave a shirt on, or keep the lights on if that feels better.

Explore your own body first so you know what feels good.

Make a plan for what to do if you freeze or get triggered.

4. Expect emotional ups and downs

Mood drops after sex can happen, even when everything went well. Chemistry shifts and trauma responses can bring feelings of guilt or shame. Having a comfort plan like cuddling, a snack, or a self-care box can help.

5. Give yourself permission

It’s okay if you’re not ready. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to enjoy sex or not enjoy it at all. It’s okay if you don’t want to do it again. Your boundaries are valid, and they can change over time. It’s okay if you have different boundaries on another day.

At the end of the day, remember that it’s okay to enjoy sex. But it’s also okay if you don’t enjoy sex. You should never feel pressured in any way to participate in sexual situations and it’s really valid if you aren’t ready or perhaps ever ready. 

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yeah i suppose

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“No one is coming to save you.” I disagree ! I believe many people made up of many small moments come to save pieces of you , even if just briefly. The mentor who believed in you . The friend who said they’re proud of you. The family member that makes you laugh . The random person who held the door for you out of nothing but kindness. The teacher who took extra time to help you understand. The person who smiled at you when you walked into a store. The little kid who looks up to you. The person who randomly complimented you. Being “saved” isn’t about being whisked away and all your hardships gone, it’s about the people and things that remind you life is not all hardships, it is kindness, love, gentleness, softness, care, thoughtfulness. It is many moments made up of your lifetime that keeps you going and showing you the world is still beautiful, and will always be. Despite.

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How long can you be bored? How uncomfortable does boredom feel to you? Where do you find your mind draw to when you start to get bored? Let yourself feel bored, see how long it takes for you to progress past boredom and see what follows. Observe these shifts in yourself. Challenge yourself to continue for one more minute, one more page, or one more step than usual.

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me because im god

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Naffy aka Naffy Illustration (Japanese, based Kanagawa Prefecture, Japan) - Stay Warm, Mixed Media

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listening to X&Y by coldplay in bed with a candle on... this is so much more me than last night when I went Out Out

(also fell over and hurt my arm oops. and I got sunburned today. it's all going on)

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don’t forget to live for the hope of it all this month

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You are not obligated to rebuild the person you were before it all fell apart.

Maybe that person wasn’t working. Maybe that life wasn’t livable.

Maybe the fall was the only honest thing that ever happened.

Start there.

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we all need a little bit of help sometimes

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the emerald deep

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