cravingimpossible

[cravingimpossible]

I lied. I’m pissed.

You knew how I felt about you. You knew that this was real to me. You knew that I would have done almost anything. You broke my trust once yet I foolishly came back when you asked.

You had plans to go to Europe. We both knew this but I thought you came back beforehand because you were serious. I waited months. I cried an ocean of tears. I still do. I don’t know why you came back just to leave me again. This time worse. At least the first time you didn’t use my body or introduce me to your closest friends or let me make a fool out of my self when I made you cake for your birthday and a stupid card in the shape of a vinyl record with a Spotify link of a playlist I made for you. At least the first time I hadn’t met your parents or stayed at your house for weeks while they were away or gone on double dates with our mutual friends who were just as fooled as I was by how loving you were with me. I guess maybe you didn’t want to still be a virgin on your 23rd birthday in May. You’re so welcome. I’m so glad I could help you get that over with before you set off for Europe and ghosted me again. I feel so fucking used. You genuinely fucking used me and I kept coming back. I kept waiting and waiting and waiting. I cried and cried. I saw videos and photos of you with a blonde girl from your Croatian sail. Nothing was confirmed but I’m also not an idiot. Still I was stupid for staying. And waiting. And waiting. And praying. I messaged with no answers. I STILL waited. Even after almost a year I still waited. Even writing this my last sliver of hope is holding on. Even though last week I was told you started dating again. Fucking typical. I messaged you two days ago for the first time in 10 months. To see how you’re going. I guess I didn’t want to believe I was the biggest idiot in the world and when you haven’t answered it proved that I am. I’m not even worth a single text back. I have been completely forgotten by you when you have been on my mind every second since I met you. I am genuinely done. I must sound crazy. It’s so obvious and it has been for so long. But you came back once, I was sorta hoping you’d do it again because as much as I hate you so so so fucking much, there is a part of me that refuses to let you go and it is painful every single day. Knowing how little I mean to you. How easily you could use me KNOWING how much you meant to me and leave. Fuck this I hate this I feel so ugly and stupid and stupid and stupid

[cravingimpossible]

The freckles on your face are far less in quantity than the stars but just as beautiful. We were Autumn and yet in Summer my sun shines a little less and the air is colder in February than the days of May. There is not other word for it than yearning. you were red wine and dancing in the kitchen to your vintage records. You were technicolor and now my days are spent in an indefinite array of black and white. You had left but are still engraved on my mind. It’s a personal hell and though you are the cause you are the only thing that gives me hope. Please come back. I am lost and can’t find my way back to you. I miss you.

[cravingimpossible]

And I’m great and I’m somewhat happy until suddenly he appears in my dreams. Laughing, holding my hand, smiling like he used to do. What I would do to forever live in my mind.

[cravingimpossible]

[cravingimpossible]

Sleeping and tears. Yearning for arms that don’t want to hold me. I lay in the small room with no windows and slowly sink into my insanity. If I could turn back the time to October of last year and live those few certain days over and over, I would. I would forgo travelling the world and all that came with it for the comfort and tranquil traces of my skin. To be back in my bedroom of the house I had said goodbye to. To be a person I still like. To still love the music that is now tainted. I don’t know where I am or what I am doing. I fear that my love for October may be the death of me.

[cravingimpossible]

Inner Child

She lies with me beneath effervescent clouds. 

Her face daintily cradled within my maternal hands. 

Amber eyes, wistful and weeping. 

Her soul pleading for a juncture of tranquility. 

Youthful and dazed. Bruised and beaten. 

How is she to place her hope with a world who has been pit against such as she?

 Where to put her trust when all she has endured is deceit? 

She clings onto me as her battered arms are restricted to stretch any further.

 I nurture her frail frame, her once sodden eyes come barren and the skies reveal luminous rays of light.

 Protected by my will and strength, she is safe within my haven.

[cravingimpossible]

Fool me once fool me twice.

Kiss me passionately and leave me your favourite sweater. I’ll meet your friends and giggle at your jokes. Collect my thoughts with glances and remember my favourite film. I’ll hold your hand and make sure that you always have a cake on your birthday. Introduce me to your family and run beside the train as make my way home. I’ll make you dinner and pour your favourite wine. Kiss me gently and hold the door open. I’ll make you playlists and nurture you when you’re ill. Strum your guitar and play with my heart. I’ll stay there, listen and adore your beautiful empty promises. Leave me guessing and whisk yourself away. I’ll wait patiently for any communication and wonder what you’re doing. Give me nothing and break my heart once more. I’ll convince my self you’re just busy and wear your favourite sweater. Kiss me softly and pretend to adore me. I’ll kiss you back and love you wholeheartedly.

[cravingimpossible]

Whirlwind

It was a whirlwind as you re-entered my life. I, being too spontaneous for my own good, had bought non-refundable tickets to Zürich to meet the Swiss man I had met in New York. I fell in love with a piece of him that was a part of your puzzle. Maybe the fingers outlining my face or the deep brown eyes and unkempt raven hair, allowed me to find solace within you, within him. For you both admired me the same. For your similarities were the only things i admired about him. He is kind. He is safe. He never hurt me like you did. Intentional or not, it stung. 

Radio silence from you for months. You didn't even wish me a Happy Birthday. I booked those non-refundable tickets to see a swiss man to let you go. My mothers credit card maxed out and payment plans for a life I cannot have. You message me two days after they were booked. Fight or Flight? The man I love come back after so long. You hold me so close and carefully. You feel like home. How can I get on that flight to see a man I don’t want. I want you. It was always you. But then again, how can I break a heart of a man who is willing to fly halfway across the world to see me? A man who has been nothing but kind and lovely. A man who I have unfairly promised the world to. How can I do that to be with you. You made me an option once. How do I know you won’t again?

I say all of this. My non-refundable flights are booked. I need to get on that flight. I can't confuse him. I need to see it through. But I need you more. Or maybe I need Switzerland. Maybe I need a lobotomy. Fuck. I can’t make up my mind. Im in a lose lose situation. Why come back now? I missed you hug me tightly. Kiss me gently like you do. Play the music from the 50s and tell me about your favourite films. I gaze into your eyes and see a white picket fence. I see a golden retriever named Ziggy. I see bookshelves, antique furniture and drinking tea in our sunroom when we are old and grey. I made up my mind, I need you. But i fear you’re going to leave. I fear I’ll have to break his heart worse than the way you broke mine. Although your bandaids on my wound are there, they are peeling ever so slightly.

I can’t afford Europe. I’m the stupidest person alive. But i can’t refund my ticket. Homelessness for 6 weeks? Even the cheapest accommodation is too expensive. The only way is to stay with him. I want to. He is so lovely. He is so kind. He adores me the way I adore you.He is art and the Met Museum. Dinosaurs and children climbing trees. He is sleepy mornings and sunshine breaking through the windows. He is Not you. But you are not him either. This is the worst decision I have ever had to make. Somehow death is a sane option. but i couldn't how stupid of me.

\

[cravingimpossible]

My wistful hands are full with love. Please take as much as you need, but only you. For you cannot escape my mind. You are locked in rose cages. My attempts at freeing you are endless and miscarried. How sick I must be to crave Stockholm syndrome. For you to love me as much as me you. I saw it in your eyes one day, your smile the next. That was 5 months ago. I know I am insane for wanting you in this way. I know it’s not normal. I want it to stop more than anyone else, including you. I’ve seen other men. One was 6ft 4 and smelled of Tom ford. Why couldn’t I stand to be around him? Why when he placed his hand on my body, did I wish for you? I traveled to New York to escape you & free you from my mind. I saw you within the golden lights of the city scape. Walked past famous paintings and sculptures and longed for you to be next to me. Why does my mind wander back to the likes of you? Who doesn’t care about me one bit. I’m going insane. I don’t want to feel this way. I know you don’t want me back and this is the biggest lost cause the world has ever witnessed. But for some fucked up reason, I can’t cut this tie. I am bound to you as much as I know I’ll resent you soon enough.

[cravingimpossible]

The Apartment, 1960 (dir. Billy Wilder) 

[cravingimpossible]

.

He continues moving as if I meant nothing. Feeling as if he felt nothing. Keep my life out of his hands. Watch as I slowly slip through the fingers that caressed my every edge. Craving the impossible. Craving the love I desperately miss. The love I did away with for the opportunity to be adored by someone like him. So nonchalant and blasé. Meeting every minimal requirement for man to love woman. Soft touch. Cold hands.

His gaze that fell upon me, as if beauty personified. Meant nothing. Belonging to him was a trophy. A means of success. To be the luckiest girl with the luckiest man. False interpretations of our love. False Jealousy.

I wished you were the man I truly loved but let go. All I wanted was a shadow of his smile and caring nature. All I needed was his touch from your hands.

[cravingimpossible]

why would you?

I ponder endlessly. My mind spinning into infinity almost as if a cyclone. The nerve to intertwine our souls with one long-lasting glance. You had caught all of my devotion as soon as you traced your fingers along my face so delicately. Why would you bring me close and allow me to find a peace within the lack of space between our bodies? The rise and fall of your chest. The thunder of your heart ringing in my ears. In my solitary moments I scrambled to find the unimportance within you. Constant attempts to free you from my prison mind. Constant defeat.  Why would you imply I’m a catch? I pursued the bait and latched on to the hook, only to be released and propelled into the violent waves by sweet you. Washing ashore. Deteriorating. Why would you look at me like that? As if sweet beginnings arose within you. Like a flower blossoming in the midst of Springtime. Why would you do all of this to just relinquish me from your life? I feel deranged. Suppose you were made up. Suppose you were an illusion I curated from my delusions. Suppose those caring hands and honey filled eyes were a figment of a love I had once dreamt up. You can tell me my thoughts ran away with me through a field of gardenias on a misty morning,  But you can't look at me like that.

[cravingimpossible]

[cravingimpossible]

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

[cravingimpossible]

[cravingimpossible]

Artwork by Alphonse Mucha