crap19920802

[crap19920802]

i asked her if she would write me a luv letter sometime and just said i like little declarations and and reminders and tokens of love and then she got weird and quiet and i commented on the fact that she kind of does that anytime i say anything like that then later i asked her what she likes about me and she took forever to answer and then said "our relationship that we have" and was like what do you like about Me? and then i joked that she was trying to avoid the question so she said some kind of weird stuff then there was an awkward silence and suddenly she had to go

[crap19920802]

im kind of tired of this whole routine like please im super stressed rn and trying to work thru that is hard enough without u expecting me 2 drop everything and realize ur upset when u have given no cues whatsoever and basically constantly accusing me of being mean and uncaring when i literally have not said or done anything remotely antagonistic!! im trying to relax and enjoy things!!

[crap19920802]

my fuckin tiddies and back hurt so bad today n i have like 0 energy and jammy is still upset about the ebay thing apparently and called me while i was trying to nap bc she thinks im mad at her although we've been talking and joking around this whole time without problems

[crap19920802]

omfg my gf is mad at me bc she texted me like "were you looking at busty anime lighters on ebay" and i was like what are you talking about and she sent me a screenshot where theres these weird posters and lighters in the recently viewed on her screen so i checked on my app and its just the same shoes and clothes i expected so i figured she probably did it and is like fucking w me but she keeps denying it and saying "lol" and putting the 😏 whenever she says anything and implying it was me so im like okay seriously was that you bc if not someone might be on my account and i need to change my password and shes like getting indignant and denying it but is still like "ummm it wasnt me i didn't look at busty anime" which to me sounds rlly unconvincing and a lot like a joke so i was just like okay im gonna change the password and she was like you should trust me more and i shouldnt have to repeat myself so many times saying it wasnt me...i was like firstable its not that serious i thought it was a joke and second why tf are you getting mad at me when all i did was ask you to be serious so i knew what was going on like why tf would i be looking at that on ebay in the first place? for her to even say that i was seems like a joke in the first place so i had no idea what to think i dont understand why she got so pissed at me for thinking she was joking?? like she just did the text equivalent of storming off and was like "okay im going to bed now" in the middle of the conversation like......wtf

[crap19920802]

i rlly wish i could internalize all the body positive shit i always see everywhere and just let it be but i tried that and things got real out of control real fast and that's how i ended up here in the first place

[crap19920802]

when im like 35 im gonna look back at my 20s and be so pissed that i spent so much of it being controlled by my hatred for my body and my fear of everything and also my mom i hope someday eventually i learn to enjoy life and not waste it away being depressed w really shitty body image lol this is brand new i feel and look like ive given birth twice except i have nothing positive like a new life to show for it and im just out of shape and miserable for no reason idt I've EVER felt this badly about my body or fought it this hard to get it to not be what it is

[crap19920802]

my sister's bf is here its 3am and they're arguing as they do every time they speak to or see each other and its causing me immense stress and anxiety as it always does

[crap19920802]

im seriously considering going back to city college instead of somewhere local just so i dont have to live at home this is so frustrating

[crap19920802]

so the other day my grandma and aunt said they would donate pretty large amounts for me surgery which is so cool bc i think i might actually be able to afford it with what ive already raised and with my own money i have saved but then like the next day my mom suddenly was like i have to start paying for some of the bills at home which would amount to 100 monthly which isnt bad except i literally make $80 a week and have to pay for my phone bill transportation to and from work and buy my own groceries so i dont understand whats going on like why all of a sudden we cant afford the bills?? idk if im just being paranoid or what but i feel like once she found out how much my grandma is giving me she decided she doesnt want to like support me anymore or something?? idk it just doesnt seem fair bc im only 20 and none of my siblings had to pay for ANYTHING at my age including food and shit like i started buying my own groceries despite being unemployed when i was like 17 but she still buys food for and cooks for my 24 year old sister who has a like a really well paying job....it just doesnt sit well and i feel like she gas this like obsession with teaching me a lesson or punishing me bc im not in school so i have to learn how to Pay Bills and shit but its like i didnt just drop out and it wasnt a choice i made for fun like i literally took time off bc im going fucking crazy and cant handle these responsibilities and i need to like get my footing while i still can?? its just so unfair bc things were finally starting to look up for me i was excited about life for once but i cant even enjoy it bc she always ruins everything lmao

[crap19920802]

i love starving meself all week then seeing my girl friend and binge eating for 3 days straight

[crap19920802]

the 3 Big Life Achievements i want to unlock are breast reduction marry my gf and move out of ny after that im all set

[crap19920802]

just woke up and read some truly harrowing sh*t on the web so much for ever sleeping again i feel great tho this is fine 6hours of sleep over the course of 3 days is fine

[crap19920802]

this is embarrassing but i need 2 admit it i was infatuated w this kid like my social life was so fucked up at that point in my life that i was like in a prime potential catfish™ situation where i was so infatiated w this person on the internet whose face I'd never seen, and whom i didnt even have many like actual conversations with and it was like all bc they wrote rlly cool weird shit and introduced me to sufjan stevens lmao like i really have them 2 thank for that..and im like so amazed that they turned out to also be gay but also now i think about it it makes sense the same way when i look back at my posts and im like wow just fucking admit it b*ch(@ myself not them)...i was just talking to my girl friend about how like all the ppl in my life who i ever REALLY crushed hard on or like had real feelings for turned out to be gay and i didnt know at the time but im finding out recently and feeling this weird feeling like i wish we both knew this about ourselves at the time and what could have been etc etc idek if its that but anyway overall its actually a really good feeling and its v validating lol i always used to think when i was younger that i could probably only ever really love someone who wasnt a straight guy and i was right anyway thr point of this is that theyre really fuckin hot now and v gay and i wonder if they remember me once they messaged me on my old blog on their new one a couple years after ibstopped using it so maybe they do

[crap19920802]

i cant get into my old writing blog bc i was locked out of the email address i used and of course my dumb ass used fake info so i don’t remember any of it but i found the person and theyre hot and gay and im laughing bc they were one of those faceless bloggers and i would try to like zoom in on photos they posted w their reflection in the computer screen or whatevr to see if they were hot but now they have a like normal tumblr and posts pics of them self and are totally hot god help me

[crap19920802]

methinks...shhes manic

[crap19920802]

i like the idea of posting on here bc in my physical journal i just write like my dumb goals for the year or whatever and how bad i wanna lose weight bc im still paranoid about my mom or sister finding it and using it against me but on here i like knowing that no one really sees it and someday this web site will cease to exist and so will these records of my Dark Twisted Mind...i think about expanding my audience sometimes but i really don't want anyone whom is mentioned in these here postings 2 see it and also it seems like too much of a cry for help to ask ppl to come watch me air out my dirty laundry like this not to mention the fact that i post 10 giant walls of text back to back when i come on here..this is just like when i was in high school and had a writing blog except i was trying to impress this person on here and would like Write stuff and try to make sense and oh my god im really turning back into my 15 year old self i should go see what my teen self's muse is up to

[crap19920802]

im in a mood to dissect all my swxual relationships but i also just realized i think im like..over my s***** a****** but its making me question whether or not it was rlly that bad.......