cr-aveyou - Tumblr blog

[cr-aveyou]

There's always noise.

I can't escape the hum of the outlet and the barking dogs miles away.

The fan spins off balance to drown everything out but the noise is endless. Three blades aren't meant to do the job of four and it is wearing.

They're always ringing. It's like my mind is a call center always picking up the meaning in the lines, the snow in my eyes makes it hard to see but I try to see your face in outline so please I beg of you.

Silence this world and clear the snow.

I want to be free like the dogs.

[cr-aveyou]

Kids in Chicago run from gang violence.

Some 9 year old is running fent for their mom, dad, brother or sister, aunts and uncles.

Children are wartorn from the moment they cry from the womb and face poverty and they think a whole loaf of bread is a feast.

I can't step out of the war inside my head, the chemicals fighting one another for turf instead of working together and building a garden.

My organs don't want to work. My heart and lungs to full of ash and soot, smoking all the feelings and thoughts my brain can't handle. My stomach is sick from the painkillers and antidepressants I've taken without eating, and then stretching beyond belief when I eat everything in the kitchen because I'm trying to fill a void that's been empty since I was born.

There's something wrong and missing. I grasp at straws because my father never taught me what it was like to be loved and respected. I disrespect myself every time I think of him and breadcrumbs are my dying meal.

My mother, bless her heart, tried her best. I've never heard an apology though.

On most days, I'm my own worst enemy. The turf wars wage on in my mind, and unlike Chicago or east LA; I am the only victim I am the child drug running for myself because I don't feel safe enough inside my brain to let it do it's job.

I am a prisoner of war inside my own head and it is hell waking up knowing all I will do is stare at four walls, and that my heart and lungs will carry the weight of what my mind can't.