cozyhallloween

[cozyhallloween]

i would have stayed there forever. tracing my name on your back in the early hours. but there’s never enough time is there? that was all the time we had. that was all the love i could give. but it was never enough. you’ll keep my heart as some prize behind glass and i’ll die in my room a thousand times over but i’ll never call. instead i’ll pray for lavenders to grow where the emptiness is. i hope to come back in the next life as someone who doesnt feel things as deeply.

[cozyhallloween]

[cozyhallloween]

welcome back iphone 6 🌿👽🚬🖤💿

[cozyhallloween]

i would have stayed there forever. tracing my name on your back in the early hours. but there’s never enough time is there? that was all the time we had. that was all the love i could give. but it was never enough. you’ll keep my heart as some prize behind glass and i’ll die in my room a thousand times over but i’ll never call. instead i’ll pray for lavenders to grow where the emptiness is. i hope to come back in the next life as someone who doesnt feel things as deeply.

[cozyhallloween]

i’m haunted by a past i can’t go back to. so instead i go on google maps and look up my childhood home. it’s still 2009. the tree i grew with is still there. my moms silver car is parked outside. i’m ten with scraped up knees, racing my sister down the hill on our bikes. first one home gets the last bit of pink lemonade. does the tree know that in ten years time it’ll be gone? does my childhood house wait for us to come home? does ten year old me know that she’ll miss all this one day?

[cozyhallloween]

during the blurred summer, i knew a boy who’d always laugh at my jokes and would sing songs from a band i told him about years ago. we’d joke about our future and what we’d name our kids. he was my best friend. but i think he got tired of cleaning the blood off my knees one too many times because now he has a new best friend with eyes as brown as mine. i’ll probably write about him for a 1000 years.

part 3/3

[cozyhallloween]

in the midst of an orange october with death underneath our feet, i knew a boy with tired eyes who always smelled like smoke. he was 20 years my senior but still a boy none the less. he made me feel important and i made him feel young. a part him still haunts me. the ghosts of the life we could have had; if i was just a little bit older. i think he was the only one i really wanted to get it right with.

part 2/3

[cozyhallloween]

it was a hazy summer of hot cars and missed calls. i knew a boy who’d play me love songs on his guitar and would stay up late whispering on the phone; telling ghost stories he never told anyone before. he met my brother and told me we’d get a place in the city. he had puppy dog eyes, it was a puppy dog love. i think i liked being loved more then being in love.

part 1/3

[cozyhallloween]

the leaves will rot and fall like they do every year and i’ll keep growing my hair out and cutting it all off. pretending the parts you touched are gone; but they’re never really gone are they? your mom will stop asking about me and i’ll forgot how many stoplights there are to your house. you’re gonna marry her and i’ll always be the girl who left town. the girl who’ll one day be nothing but a faded photograph kept buried deep in your closet. the girl from “before”. and if one day your grandkids ask about me, will you even remember my name?

[cozyhallloween]

we’re driving down the highway on a perfect summer day. the windows are down and my hair keeps flying in my face but i don’t mind. you’re singing along to some band i told you about years ago and i can’t help but smile. i keep this memory stored safely in my head and i play it on winter days when the suns so bright it’s almost as if that summer came back. did you know i loved you on this day?

[cozyhallloween]

i need to go back. i can’t remember all the names i gave my toys. i’m forgetting what drawings i put up in my childhood bedroom. did my best friend ever finishing making that board that goes up to 1000? the faces of my elementary school friends and teachers are becoming a blur but i still remember how the sun felt on my face during recess during those crisp autumns. when did my mom get older? how did my little brother get so tall? we never have enough time do we? my mom has a framed picture of me in 2nd grade all dressed up for my chorus concert. it’s still 2007 and my little brother is still my little brother.

[cozyhallloween]

ghosts are real and they’re everywhere. in old photographs tucked safely in a box under your bed. in the walls of your childhood home waiting for you to come back. they live in old text messages and emails. forever frozen in time. they haunt your old best friends neighborhood. flickering in the street lamps. occasionally, on very rare summer afternoons; when the sun shines through the kitchen window in a certain way and all of the sudden you get this feeling in your stomach of melancholia; that is a haunting. a possession. those are ghosts trying to find comfort in the present because the past they once lived in no longer exists.

[cozyhallloween]

it’s a summer of two moons. we sit on the balcony and drink cheap wine. neither of us knew what sad tasted like here. we have all the time in the world. you’re laughing and it felt like home. you’re laughing and i love you.

[cozyhallloween]

you wake up in your childhood room with the pink walls. everything’s just how you left it, as if it’s been waiting for you all these years. your beds a little too small now but that’s okay. you stare at the glow in the dark stars you begged your dad to put up; wondering if they’d ever fade with time. you hear laughter coming from the kitchen; your fingers tracing all the cracks in the walls as you make your way down. your mom hasn’t aged a day. your siblings saved your old seat at the table. it’s covered in a bit of dust because no one’s sat there for years; they didn’t know you’d be gone for so long. you watch them quietly in the background. you feel like stranger in your own home. they seem more like a family then they ever were when you were here. your little brother asks you to pass the bowl but all you can manage to do is try to hold back tears. “i’m sorry”. “for what?” your mother asks. “for everything.” the kitchen is warm and full of love, but you don’t live here anymore. your family still loves you, but they won’t ask you to stay.

[cozyhallloween]

maybe it was when i finally learned to tie my shoes myself. maybe it was when i drove on the highway without feeling scared for the first time, or when we stopped eating dinner together. maybe it was when i started doing my own hair, without any help, or when i started walking home by myself from the bus stop because “you know the way home”. maybe i grew up a while ago and just never realized it

[cozyhallloween]

did you have good day today? did you wear that one sweater you always said you loved? is your hair still long? how’s your mom? did you ever get that tattoo? do you still think about me? how’s your little brother? do you still listen to that one band? do you still think about that day? do you know that i still do? can we have one more summer together? have you forgotten everything?

[cozyhallloween]

- i hope i come back in the next life as someone who doesn’t feel things so deeply

ocean vuong/ fleabag/ perks of being a wallflower/ @death-born-aphrodite/ unknown/ anne carson/ howl’s moving castle/ clarice lispector/ all too well (10 minute version) - taylor swift/ @ sulky80715258 on twitter