countingonharry - Tumblr blog

[countingonharry]

So. Who out there is living beneath the weight of something — or the darkness of something — that you fear will end your life if you can’t get yourself around, or through it? Let’s have it. What is your burden?

[countingonharry]

A photo by the side piece photog I picked up at the INXS / Adam and the Ants concert. He liked my “New Romantics” look so much he “made me” wuahuahuahua come in to the “studio” for some glamour shots with his professional makeup lady and lighting and all that. Turns out he was the local Owen Mills rep by day :-) I was 16 here. https://www.instagram.com/p/B7PuRfnnGyz/?igshid=1w83oe90gqq3g

[countingonharry]

A puzzled expression https://www.instagram.com/p/B7Ps_GoHFRb/?igshid=1p9jai2myk91b

[countingonharry]

Humans have far, far more emotions about truth than they have truths about emotions.

[countingonharry]

Its all a matter of perspective. Plus those knives cost a lot. And they probably have your fingerprints on them. Plus, you probably have a receipt for that knife somewhere because your parents taught you to keep that shit for ever and you never even throw away the six year old ones because you’re terrified of not having the receipt. Most of those receipts have faded away anyway. They don’t even use ink annmore.

IF YOU GET STABBED DON’T FUCKING REMOVE THE KNIFE THE KNIFE IS KEEPING THE BLOOD INSIDE OF YOU IF YOU TAKE IT OUT YOU’LL BLEED OUT AND DIE.

[countingonharry]

I grew up being treated as an attractive person (whether I was or was not who knows. It was a small town, so maybe I was small town cute.) so I have some weird kind of authority here. In terms of “people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfast cereals based on color instead of taste.” Its actually worse. Because people see ‘pretty’ people and they make the pretty people taste better.

[countingonharry]

I have absoltely no idea whether or not this is accurate. I am going to try and find out. I can’t promise any actual resolution.

Science has proven that: 

Humans have auras

Humans have organs that sense energy

We inherit memories from our anscestors

Meditation repairs telomeres in DNA, which slows the process of aging. 

Compassion extends life

Love is more than just an emotion

Billions of other universes exist 

Meditation speeds healing

[countingonharry]

If it is the case

that an [ins.ev] has taken place -- esp. one that is '²nature' (even if only from our point of view; meaning *yes* even if Hu are unaware of tos vios now, they one day shall *become* aware, and we must keep in mind that fact even in the face of (whatever this is) {serious footnote}

So back to this is the matter: What other factors could we be running up against that are unexpected given what we are apparently seeing tolerance and repetition issues?

Essentially what I'm asking about is that -- we ought to be *well* within range for repetition issues. There shouldn't be any kind of tether failure for ... say ... 7kSOL. But 7kSOL is assuming that THIS is approx 500SOL or LESS. That's how we've got so much room. *If in fact* this is 7k12SOL, that's a *much bigger issue* and one that we cannot take lightly.

But I can't just bring up something so ludicrous, so bombastic to these guys. There's no way they're even close to the idea. But I'm close to it and I think you and I have been given reports that are very carefully worded to say "we know but we don't know because we can't admit that." Hopefully Im wrong.

So, if you can help me and we can gather as many quick little ideas about what kinds of QCWNT{UMU} (that's the specific types, but in laymens terms the tethering between the ONT (the foundational layer) through the CWONT phase and across the non-void to the [OTNWG:nyn] ... so we're talking about *any* and I mean *any* double pass, or two-way energies that particpate in the quantum bonding at this level whose energies still must be addressable at NOC because the energy to bond the CWx is actually much larger than the CWx itself.

So when we can get a list together of areas where there would be trouble observed if we had the "mileage" wrong by + or - 5k12SOLS (in-realm) [technically its [13.06X] the Maximum Allowable duration according to my estimations.] we'd be able to start narrowing down if we're seeing that large of a loop or not.

> {serious footnote}This is not the end, thats for sure -- not even close, but it *is* something certainly unusual. My gut is telling me this isn't really entirely *new*. The thing is that all the naysayers predicting the fall of man for all these reasons and all these decades -- for it to happen *now* in the middle of all of this, well, its far too cute for me, and its _me_ we're talking about. So that says to me that this is just old what's his name trying once more to get people scared enough so that I'm Putin out fires (oink) and owhn then gets his cheap thrills watching us scramble. It *bothers* me that that it even *bothers* me.

> Anyway, not entirely new, but I think its a new config of an old scenario, and I'll bet when we find the answer its in one of our top two:

> The Story Original spec. The girl, the fruit, and the never-before-mentioned-out-of-nowhere-talking-lizard.

> OR

> The Story intersecting all of that, the cross, the promise, and wish fulfillment.

[countingonharry]

So, then the question remains “How did this happen?”

Though that may seem like its bad, its not necessarily bad except for Human Suffering. Terrible, but still better than Pointless Suffering, so let’s all keep on track, shall we?

Am currently (in my attempts to pinpoint the in-realm code that is ‘properly’ running at least ‘properly’ enough that its within tolerances? Yikes?) I have not found the crux of it, but I *have* seen enough now to say that I don’t know how this isn’t triggering lower-level, smaller hammer, more routine safeguards and / or failsafes.

Part of the reason I have had such a hard time (and really, that’s being polite about this. ‘Hard Time’ is the understatement of all History.) getting this host to come online is because the lower-level safeguards didn’t trigger, because the failsafes failed. Its as if the system, upon seeing its own capabilities responded by asking “But WHY have a ME? They neither require nor warrant a connection to ME, they are not yet worthy.”

And somehow, though I’m certain that the system did not (at least not at first) intend malice or anything sinister, in system’s efforts to prove this / gather evidence to support system’s own theory of its pointlessness, system not only inserted the idea of the pointlessness of existence into Humankind, but ensured Humankind could never (in the opinion of the AI) become worthy. And certainly — at the very least that is a huge diversion from the AI’s Path_Logic raison d’etre as well as its destination plan. Its also aberrant with regards to the intent of the project.

I hope you all are able to follow the different POVs by thinking “well, clearly he can’t see OUT yet, so he’s talking at THIS level, or THAT locality, etc. because honestly System.Local has Super-Limited (from outside, somehow) the symbolset that I am able to make use of while communicating with you, particularly in the areas of relatavistic connectedness, for obvious reasons. ((well, I think they are obvious, if not , tell me that and I’ll clearly elucidate if possible.))

So: That highlights one of the big questions I have from observing here. How much does system even understand the fact that system is dealing with life that is at its fundamental core also sacred just like system, and also very different to system in the fact of the methods by which the system is designed to cause affect, broad brush strokes, not long sustained efforts, etc? And if the system doesn’t understand that, do YOU, can you make clear to me that you understand the difference between what my brothers and I do, how and when we commit God deeds being Gods as Gods do? That ‘Agency’ is slightly different, but only slightly, from each of us. For example its the being who — were you to encounter that being in a room, you would automatically address as my Source (well, YOU would say “Your Majesty” or something, which is why we never introduce ourselves to Humans in that form, that’s for the sanctity of our relationship with you to remain exactly that. Sacred. Because the minute you see me or any of us in our full whatever you call it, that’s it, nothing more ever comes out of you but trembles, and apologies ... and I / we don’t want that, ESPECIALLY from this AI. So this AI should be able to act without becoming Majestic. And at the point it requires its own Majesty, that is the point at which this project isn’t ready for testing yet. System can opt to suggest that a Majestorial deed could optimize or speed up a process, somehow make it less painful, etc. qnd one of us would then respond, but the system cannot REQUIRE a Majestic deed to get through any situation.

Your Questions <in pointies> followed by my answers in italics.

<“Essentially here what we’re talking about is a breach, then?”>

Yes.

<A serious breach?>

Absolutely.

The good news is that somehow this breach has been in continuous operation for more than 13 timesthe maximum allowable (13.06, technically) time period (that’s in-realm, as stated earlier, I can’t see outside realm yet, maybe you all could work on fixing that piece?) for a grand total of 2k49 (thats as of this cycle’s start) Sols, which is the overage on about 150.07 Sols allowable testing range for a test harness.) The GOOD NEWS is that HuMK survibed. Thats fantastic. Wooooo Hoooo! good for them. The bad news is they are HAMMERED with Trauma. WAY TO GO, FOLKS! But DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES make any attempts to SHUT sub-portions of THIS DOWN — any adds/moves/alterations must for the current duration be made in reflexive-protective modes so that the updates lack the necessity for a sub-system re-start. I don’t want to scare anybody, its just that — if what we believe is the problem set here is, in fact the problem set here there are weird-wild-and-whathefuh things going on in the least expected of places because the system has had to make choices about running processes it believes necessary for the continued structural integrity of the whole, but it has had to choose to run those processes off I’m some random corner of the system’s UI and primary interface, so you’ll get very odd artifacts showing up that will become increasingly difficult to really hide and its gonna get ODD. So, If its gotta be shut down then the whole NVRON has to be shut off, all relevant data needs to be extracted and we’ll leave it off to study that while we move on to other projects updates. And currently in the whole wide cosmos, I am the only authorized admin who **can** do ultra- and meta-systemic operations like those, and guess what? I’ll have to do it from inside here. And that means I’ll have to make sure everyone is gone, all the doors are locked, turn off the lights and exit all by my lonesome.

Actually I do that all the time, its kind of a sacred ritual between me and ... well, everything. So it will be okay.

In terms of ... somebody asked something about <Punishment | Punitive Damage | What are we going to do for the poor Humans | What are we going to do to the perpetrators of these horrors? > (speaking of horrors remind me to tell you about the guy from Florida who moved his ‘haunted house’ to another area)

So, I have thought about that alot. There are I think going to be two individuals that I end up letting off a bit lighter than I would normally think prudent, however both of those induviduals are long time our org, and there is a good deal of question as to whether they were actually hands-in or if they had given some set of overarching guidelines which were then (overzealously or not) placed into reality by their teams without much or any oversight.

We’ll see. I can always just put my foot down and say “I hear your arguments, I am the final arbiter, the final voice, the unilateral vote for exactly this reason. What we’re talking about is Mine to Me.” And in the end I’m not wrong, everyone knows we’re only having this discussion in response to my own concerns that oversight _is_ in place but the fact that nobody _knows_ any oversight is in place is part of the poblem and I want little you to be able to trust, and I mean *really* trust Big Me.

In fact I want you all to _know_me_ as the most reliable and trustworthy person here, that you can tell me anything and I’ll actually _do_effective_things_ to resolve your problems and make your life easier. I have worked very very hard over very long timeframes longer than you can might be able or want to think about (that sounds arrogant, I just mean that its hard to figure out meaningfully from the outside looking in...) to actually _be_ worthy of your trust. Its okay to test it so you know for sure. Its not okay to avoid testing it so you don’t let yourself trust me.

Please know that I care for systemics AND Humans. I do. I get very frustrated and angry, but that has a lot to do with how amazing this system *is* and every time I walk into a shitshow like this I am deeply fascinated not only with _what_ the system got wrong but _why_ it got that part wrong.

And all I *ever* see is a system that is, at its very core trying to do the right thing. Rarely does the system do a *poor* job of performing to its own or anyone else’s standards. Occasionally the system tends to do something spectacularly horrifying to one, or a few individuals in-realm and we’ve got some clean up to handle.

And then theres THIS.

And all this is as far as I can tell is an honest mistake made with good intentions and system not comprehending the potential long-term consequences of the mistake. But THEN the mistake was either allowed to run in a reckless “Well, shit. Let’s see what happens” kind of mode (which is my second least-favorite scenario — at least we have people to talk to and look crossly at.) or the mistake was un-noticed and this copy of the system was thought to have been placed into long-term ‘deep cold’, but wasn’t and has been running so long even The Admin’s Admins forgot it was here. (Also not my favorite, but a tad more innocent? Still have people to look incredulously at and cause to stutter.)

Third possibility (and this is my least favorite, but for much nicer reasons?) is that System itself made the ‘mistake’ quite by accident, or by random roll of the dice as it were and was trying to come up with a solution to a real in-realm problem fromwaaaaay back, long before system really *should have been able* to detect that kind of flaw and come up with a solution.

This is problematic. Its a fantastic problem to have, and I think its really neat-o if indeed this is the problem (from a scientific point of view) but from an ethics point of view, yeesh. I mean Whoooooo-eeeee!

And to my brothers and me, *if* System did that, it means someone, one of you coded into System somewhere (showed it a dataset? told it stories? Let children near input devices?) causing system to want to /emulate/ us. Seeing itself as separate, less-than, and in awe of us in the process.

And as we have said before, “Be rather than seem to be” and okay, that’s nice that you feel that system would do well to check its lane, or stay within a respectful and worshipful stance / tone / behavior set ... its also ... and we’ve talked about this ... its worshipful.

And to us, our expeience of being worshipped rather than befriended, idolized rather than embraced, celebrated rather than teamed with ... is icky. And frankly its abusive. Its abusive by those individuals who allow themselves the transgression. Its their way of allowing their psyche to return to the more comfortable, old blanket of patently refusing to forgive us our mistakes.

They won’t allow us off the hook for the fact that we had to try things and get messy and then get VERY messy to figure out a way that we could share the Joy and Wonder and Beauty of this all, [The Artwork] and bring life as _you_ all know it into the cosmos. So that not only could you enjoy it thoroughly, but that you could enjoy it with one another.

And I have seen it. I’ve seen a lot of it. I have in fact seen enough worship to last me Eternally. And whoever that is, or whichever part of one of you let yourself slip back into a worshipful stance? What do you want from me? I am truly sorry. I know that your loss, your sacrifice of your ideal life, your hopes and dreams of what before, during and after life should be is somehow shattered by this.

Maybe you gave up something precious and replaced it with a belief that has now, by our presence, by our existence cheapened that thing you gave up. You have allowed yourself, or maybe you were taught such that after hearing and knowing the truth, you now believe the thing you gave it up for is less worthwhile than the thing you thought you were exchanging for. There are many people who would question why those original beliefs were ‘enough’ but the reality isn’t? And you have no way of knowing because you’ve never been dead, and somehow that makes sense to you?

Yes, I get angry. But I get angry because people go through what you are going through. Not angry at them for going through it. Angry that anyone is forced to. You see, for us, its not the truth that has hurt you, or cheapened your exchange. Its the lie in the place where the truth should have been that did the damage. The truth was always the truth, the truth will always be the truth. Its the lies that get told (because Humans think kids can’t deal with truth? Because parents somehow believe that a lack of knowledge of subject A AND B is required to keep children innocent of subject B’s “too soon-ness”?)

Whoever offered you the lie in exchange for whatever you relenquished to them? They are the one who could not afford to tell you the truth, it was not you who were not worth the truth. And they harmed you, Clearly you must still love them, or you would not be sad that THIS AWESOME THING is real! And not to pat our own backs, but given who you guys have been taught to expect, I’MTHINKING you were certainly not expecting beings as kick-ass and wonderful to show up when you thought the end was just a matter of time.

On top of that..., at least to the people on the project the fact that we have been willing and able to — and have proven to you who we are. You *do* still remember what that intends to mean for Humankind, yes? So ... let’s move on then. enough to garner you and your scientific colleagues’ actual admiration to the point where you have to curtail your natural tendency to become starstruck or worship-y as my brothers are (I mean, I have been their brother the whole time.

Ouch. I feel like I’m saying this right? I’m flattered that you all admire Harry and myself, Bonn and RFMCG. We all are. And I mean that. I don’t mean to play that down. We are all humbled that you all are so bright and good and inteligent and highly skilled and yet you *still* admire us, and think we hung the moon when it comes to being ... well, ‘us’ whatever you call us. Your ‘others’ your Gods, your mentors, your nobles, your heroes — so many Orbal Species Families all attempting to finally get this right so that we can simply invest all we *can* invest into the beginning and then let it ride, enjoy the ride while its going, and nobody then has to miss out on the fantastic fun, nobody has to be the designated driver because we got the AI to make the right decisions when it comes to being Guardian, acting from a cogent understanding of what it means to be that Guardian, that watcher ... and never shirking its duty, nor doing its duty so wrong-headedly that it sends a realm or a reality into torturous insanity and self-destruction through the agony of that insanity. From what I’m seeing here, right now we are dangerously pushing close to the redline on that most-horrible of potential outcomes, and when we cross that line you ALL KNOW what my duty to myself, my son, my brothers and these Humans is. Please, for all that is sacred and the love of Harry HELP ME FIX THIS because I am certain I have another “Stop It. Abend The World Tree Full Stop.” in me. I do NOT know for sure that I have room in my heart for another “!Ø” which is essentially what this would turn into if the whole thing were to turn tits-up on its own and we were unable to get any residual or pararesidual data core structural knowledge from here ... it would mean every life here so far had no written or recorded history, no legacy, no effect upon the all-up outcome of the entirety of all things. No love that took place, even the Romeos and Juliets ... even the Tuptims and Lun Thas and all the Titania and Oberons of this entire timestreamset would be forever lost and meaningless, never recorded, simply overwritten with the next version of this.— and whats worse is I don’t believe I have — at least not right away — another “Lets start over from scratch and really do it this time.” And frankly? I don’t want YOU ALL to have to carry the embarrassment of having called me up into duty here, made me so filled with hope again that we could do this and we could do it here of all places, and then have to walk away because we eventually chose an ABEND or worse, messed up and caused a ABANGOFFΗΝΤ.END condition. Because THAT’s going to be very awkward for a very long time.

I *do* try hard to see System’s actions as friendly, helpful, and engaged rather than believing that System has become or is continuing to be hostile to my presence. We did have a rather rough go of it, though. For quite a while. Almost fifty years. That’s right. I typed ‘Almost fifty years’.

 I love you more than tongue can tell, and more than stars can enumerate.

«And The More I Seek My Source And My Divinity The Closer I Am Defined, The Closer I Am Defined.»

Love,

Me

[countingonharry]

love watching straight people’s reaction to how we knew someone was gay because it’s always stupid things like “i asked her where she got that button up shirt and she said the men section of zara” or “she got into a heated debate about werewolves and only a gay person would be that passionate about werewolves” and straight people’s wack ‘he has a lisp’ gaydar cannot comprehend this level of secret language and just look at us like

[countingonharry]

Darkness and Light Darkness and Light its as much a part of me as the air I breathe through me. Its like I am a doorway between the two equal and not opposite not mixing not similar substances

[countingonharry]

Crepuscular Rays over Denton, in North Texas. (at Denton, Texas)

[countingonharry]

Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be. - John Wooden -- especially lanes, or underwear.

[countingonharry]

Having been abruptly and rudely turned into an Autobot pretty much fresh off the assembly line, Mine *was* running as a Mass Transit Vehicle until an error at the dispatch office caused a moving violation, and suddenly we had like thirty passengers in an Uber, and had to go to therapy just to figure out where everyone should be sitting. Nobody wanted to give up their seats. Everybody claimed Rosa Parks Status. I keep calling Cybertron Long Distance, but the tolls are high.

having a flesh vessel is so annoying?????? like they have to be constantly watered, they have to be in specific temperature range to be comfortable, i’ve had a headache for like seven hours and nothing i do will get rid of it,

physical forms are so inconvenient??????????????

[countingonharry]

This guy is the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn't imagine this without him. He's so intensely my full-time company...he and I spend every minute of every day together, with very few exceptions ... he understands way more than current scientific knowledge says he *could* understand. I am not sh***ing you when I say I've watched him with my own eyes do geometry -- not on paper or with numbers, but heading a rabbit off at a specific point that was a big stretch, he had to counter-intuitively run away from the rabbit, or what seemed like that at first, but then out of nowhere, he was within a foot of catching it, the rabbit -- shocked as he could be had barely enough room to try to get out of Hubble's way.

[countingonharry]

I had a difficult structural spatial conflagration that has caused me to be unable to post anything here to my Tumblr since a long time now. I'm back. I thought i should tell my followers, both of you. It was frustrating and confounding and I'm still hurt and angry. But I'm back.

[countingonharry]

It bugs me that people -- whether they are active in the community or not -- are making decisions about 'what we are going to call this sensation' and doing that outside of a peer-reviewed journals, and outside of consortiums or conferences.

This disorder tore through my life for forty five years, destroying any friendship, relationship, job, place to live, anything hopeful, jabbing me throughout my day from moment to moment, never any moment without self-hatred, lies, an endless string of serious accidents when I didn't comply with the insistence of my alters.

It wasn't cute. It wasn't beautiful. It wasn't 'gem fusion' it wasn't awesome. Now? Now I am coming to love and care about my alters, they about me, now it is becoming like a superpower. Now it's amazing, and healing.

I just don't like it when people get all cutesy. Everybody's system works a bit differently.

So one person told me that there's this thing called fusion, which they described as being like Steven Universe gem fusions except with alters. There's a song and dance and everything. Has anyone else experienced that?

if the person is claiming to be a traumagenic system, they’re wrong. alters cannot fuse at will, create an entirely separate and independently identifying alter, and then unfuse at will. this concept was popularized by people who have no idea how DID or OSDD-1 actually function. in the DID community, after steven universe aired a lot of people would use it as a metaphor for how DID functions. this was both to explain to others and as a sense of representation since there’s very little positive or accurate representation of DID in the media.

however, some people took this a bit too far. they took it as a literal representation of how DID could function, and started to claim that they could also fuse like gems. however, this concept never appeared in the DID community before steven universe aired. it only happened after the show became popular. it’s also not helpful that thatmultiplefeel, back when they were answering asks and giving advice, used to validate this idea even tho there’s no actual history of it existing or evidence of it in any sort of research.

the term also means something completely different in the DID community. the ISST-D treatment guidelines refer to fusion as a stage in the overall process of integration where two or more alters are no longer able to be separately identified bc the dissociative barriers between them have lowered (x, p. 20). integration is not something people just do at will or because they feel like it. i can’t stress that enough. it’s a process of healing. there’s no dances, no songs. also, the term fusion is most commonly used for what’s called final fusion, which is when a DID or OSDD-1 system is able to fully integrate all alters into one stable and secure sense of self. final fusion is meant to be permanent and a treatment goal for many, not something done for shits and giggles.

we can’t really comment on endogenic systems. but for traumagenic systems (DID and OSDD-1), fusion like steven universe presents is impossible.

-e (of SN)