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[cosmicdiarysworld]

That year, Me...

January 31st, 2022.

Today, for the very first time ever I went to a psychiatrist. 

Back in 2019, I went to a psychologist cause it was pain. I got a panic attack for the first time few days before and it was hell. I thought I was dying. I decided to seek help cause there was this hallucination of me cutting my left hand. Even at some points, when I walked around alone, I often hear people badmouthing me when in fact, they didn’t. It was the sounds that only me able to hear. 

“You walk alone, you don’t have any friends, huh?”

“How pathetic”

Those are what they said, the sounds only me able to hear. The hallucination of me cutting my left hands have happened since early 2019 and I don’t know the cause. It was arrived without my permissions. They were just there. I often feel like I was in the edge of my life cause I failed to chase my dreams, I even call myself “a failure”, not until the end of semester. I was able to live and looking forward to my life thanks to k-drama. Whenever I feel like I was dying, I told myself that tomorrow, there will be new episodes of a certain k-drama so let’s hold on a little bit longer. Even though my nights were mostly bitter, but glad that I made it.

Mbak Nopi - that’s how I called my psychologist -  helped me a lot during my crisis. Through CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) I was slowly getting better and able to face my problems, leaving my safe zone. Not until there was this day when the hallucinations of me cutting my left hands became too strong and I was not able to control it. I told her that I need to get rid of it fast cause I still wanna live. 

“I need medicines, or else I don’t know what will happen later” 

My heart felt uneasy, heavy, and I was crying. Actually, I was afraid of medicines but the demons keep on bothering my everyday life and it was too hard to handle. She then made me one referral letter.

When I back home, I was hesitating whether or not, should or not I went to see psychiatrist cause I was still in denial. And yes, I gave up on myself and decided to stay still, leaving my wounds open. The hallucinations were still there but to make it not too visible, I decided to make myself busy through out the end of 2019. I made it.

Early of 2020, I kept myself busy, not until the outbreak arrived in Jogja. The schools were closed and I went back home. Since I have no other things to do, the symptoms back again, saying “hi there” and it was getting worse. I isolated myself from all the people around me, even I found myself gave up on one of the organizations I really fond of, just like that, I told them that I quit. No one really knew - neither did I -  what happened to me.

My conditions were going back and forth, from being okay, to not okay through out the year of 2020.

2021 me was not that good either, but at least, I got a bunch of things to do. I had 2 internship for 6 months, was doing lotsa courses, got new dreams, got new freelancer job since February until the end of the year, and most of all, I have to write my thesis. The thing is, I still haven’t able to graduate cause I fail to write my thesis, until now when I write this haha. Hell yes, the symptoms are at it again. Now, January 2022, I feel like I was in the worst stage ever cause the hallucinations are getting too strong. Guess what? Yes people, I encouraged myself to go to see psychiatrist.

After almost 3 years battling my demons, I’m in the stage where myself is brave enough to seek help to professionals. I was prescribed with 3 medicines, those are Kalxetin, Trihexyphenidyl, and Olanzapine. If you asked me what were my diagnoses, then I don’t know. I didn’t ask cause I was too afraid to talk (coming there already gave me cold sweats lol). But I’m sure that I have depression since Kalxetin is an antidepressant.

I need to consume my medicines for 15 days and the doctor asked me to come back again 3 months later. If I were to comeback, I would then ask what were my diagnoses. Hope that I won’t be afraid of asking cause usually, my mouth will automatically shut in front of her lol.

Going to psychiatrist is one of the best decisions I made this year. Even though it’s really hard to believe that my mental stage is not okay, that I need medicines to help me going through my worst time, I believe there are still hope.

I got some great traumas back when I was a kid and when I was still a teenager. It triggered me a lot, it made me cry a lot. I can be at my room without eating for 3 days straight, I can also socializing with people when I feel like I need to.

After all, I’m still human, but maybe my wounds are a little bit deeper than people in general. Never once I want to end my life, but the urge of disappearing from this world is also big, to be really honest. I don’t want to harm myself, but it was the demons that keeps asking me to do so. I’m still a normal human being and I’m still beautiful like the rest of the humankind in this world.

January 31st, 2022

With love, Cosmic Diary.

[cosmicdiarysworld]

let's talk about the introductory shots to choi woong's family vs. kook yeon su

disclaimer: this is, as always, my observations and need to talk about the shows i'm interested in. feel free to disagree or start a dialogue about this!!

it's been a while since i've written meta for any show, but our beloved summer has some of the most outstanding cinematography (and direction) that i've seen in a while. and one of the best examples of this is in the first episode, when we're introduced to choi woong's home environment vs. when we're introduced to kook yeon su's environment.

when we talk about cinematography, we often talk about how visually beautiful and aesthetic the film is. and while our beloved summer is visually beautiful, here, i'm using it to talk about how the characters are framed and the blocking itself of the scene. i'm using cinematography very generically, as really these scenes are brilliant because of the acting, the set dressing, the direction and the actual writing.

in the first episode, we are still discerning the character's personality— what shapes them, what their motivations are, how they interact with their environment. and a primary, and essential way to do this is to observe the way the interact with their family. it shows us what drives these characters and those interactions often give us viewers context for who this character is.

in our beloved summer, we are introduced to choi woong's family in a bright, open environment. his parents are outside, the sun shining and their energy spans environment past their house. there's almost an upbeat music that is beautifully married to the scene, that adds to its effect. the scene is chaotic, with his father running around to different workers to make sure their restaurants items are quality, until the PD comes to talk to the both of them. furthermore, there's very few shots where we see close ups of the parents. instead, you'll notice that they're always framed center of the screen but with enough space around them. the way their framed, alludes to what kind of parents they are to choi woong, and this is carried on throughout the show.

we see both his parents as hard workers in the later scene, 10 years down the line, when he's sitting and doing chores for his family. we see how his father is hesitant and nervous about shooting the videos, the way his mother nags his father, and even the way both of them treat ji woong and choi woong. we see his family pestering him, listing down chores and annoy him about being on his ass all the time. we see how every restaurant they own is named after their son. we see the loving way that the parents pester each other, the way ji woong and choi woong compete and annoy each other like kids.

these scenes are kinetic and chaotic but their is happiness and love that the viewer can sense. and this is largely due to how the shots are set up itself. we meet them in an open environment, and while the scene is chaotic, we can sense an energy around his family, a true sense that they love and care about each other. this open environment is also alludes to a sense of freedom and easy going childhood that choi woong had, and even in the scene where choi woong and ji woong meet, we can sense this. we can derive a lot about his parents: how they're loyal, hard workers that care about and value their son. and in turn, we can see this in choi woong: his carefree attitudes about life where he just wants to lead a quiet, undisturbed life. we see this in the way he appreciates nature wherever he goes, we see this in the classroom where he appreciates the humorous stories. we even see this in the way he judges kook yeon su, how he criticizes her rigid, rule following nature.

the thing i love most is that none of this is necessarily explicit in the story, and there's no heavy handed bit where a character says to choi woong that his family is loving/treats him like this or anything. we as viewers are left to derive this on our own, and the messages they're showing about choi woong's characters flow beautifully, without being jarring nor heavy handed.

contrastingly, we never see kook yeon su's family. she's always framed alone/center of the frame. the first time we see her family, is when she's stumbles into her house to see her grandmother. but this scene is startlingly different from the when we're introduced into choi woong's family.

the introductory shot starts at the feet, showing how there is only one pair of slippers, the shoe rack behind her practically empty. the ending note of the song prior to the scene is more somber, and visually the scene is darker, with warm lighting in her house and the blue light filtering through the windows. the scene is peaceful, quieter. most importantly, the first shot into her house is painfully empty. both her and her grandmother are sequestered to one small corner of the frame, highlighting the lonely life she leads. save for the over head lights, her house is almost dark, giving a feel that this house is not lived in/empty. while there is a little levity in the way she interacts with her grandmother, we also sense a lingering sadness. this is amplified by the shot of her face as her grandmother walks away from her: we see happiness, but it's tinged with sorrow.

unlike choi woong, her family isn't used as a device to show who she is as a character but more to show the current life she leads. in the scenes of the documentary, while she is in the center of the scene, she is also surrounded by people and in a brighter environment. but we see this loneliness grow and culminate in this scene, as it shows how her loneliness seeps into her home life. we as viewers can draw from the first shot of her apartment that her grandmother was the only one that she had as well.

in the establishing shots for choi woong, we see his family in a youthful light, as the scene is visually brighter, more chaotic and moving. we see that the house and surrounding areas are lived in, and loved, and we see their energy span the whole scene. but this is heavily contrasted in yeon su's scenes, where it's shown lonelier, darker but with a tinge of yellow and warmth, almost like looking at an old photograph. we can derive a sense of sadness in this, and we can see that, unlike choi woong's family scenes, that the grandmother is aging quickly. the scene highlights the way she walks, her scratchy voice, and her aging is almost spotlighted. it adds to the viewer's perception of yeon su as, we see her as a blunt, selfish, rule abiding character, but we see her softer sides with her grandmother. in a lot of ways, the viewers also get the sense that yeon su doesn't have the freedom to be carefree like choi woong, just with her interactions with her grandmother and her house itself.

in my opinion, our beloved summer has some of the best cinematography and writing, because all of these scenes are essential to developing character without any heavy handed exposition where one character has to explain everything to the audience. the directors of obs clearly trust their viewers and their ability to build character, not just through writing, but cinematically as well. i love how they've said so much about who these characters are in just a couple of a minutes, and how the viewers almost intuitively pick up on these details. overally, it's a HUGE kudos from me and i can't wait to write more for this show as the episodes come out :)

[cosmicdiarysworld]

Watching episode 14 of Our Beloved Summer.

TBH, I first thought Yeon Su broke up with Ung because he looks too carefree and he doesn't have any ambition. So even though I ship them and want them back together, when they finally agreed to date again, part of me thought, "Why now? Because Ung is successful?"

From previous episodes, I know she pushed her friends away because she's unable to give back what they expect since she is poor. But it didn't register to me until this episode that she pushed Ung away for the same reason.

Yeon Su's friends complained that they gave her gifts and she accepted, but she never once returned the favor. And we know Yeon Su wanted to. She bought a banana milk for her friend after all, but she just can't afford to be as generous as they were. So she stopped making friends altogether.

Now Ung is in the same situation as her friends. We know Ung is a giver, not just to Yeon Su, but to Ji Ung, Eun Ho, NJ, his parents - all his family and friends. He's not just generous with material things but also with his time.

Ung could afford to help Yeon Su if she asked (and I think if he didn't drop his phone when she confessed to having financial problems, he would have helped her, even if she didn't ask).

But Yeon Su knew the life he wanted to live. He doesn't like stress, he just wants to be carefree. He gave up a great opportunity to study abroad because it doesn't fit his lifestyle (or at least that's what Yeon Su thought. She didn't know he was secretly making plans of taking her with him). Being with Yeon Su while she is in a bad situation would give Ung more stress than studying abroad.

And we know how much Yeon Su tries to repay Ung's generosity. He wants to spend some time with her, she helps him study. He sends her food, she treats him to a trip. Even if she had to work extra shifts to afford it.

I realize Yeon Su also loves Ung unconditionally. She was just in a bad situation and she didn't want Ung to suffer with her when she broke up with him. Our poor girl just got traumatized by people who didn't want to have anything to do with her if she can't give back what she received.

Her big mistake was she treated Ung like he's one of them.

Let me cry in a corner.. 😭😭😭

[cosmicdiarysworld]

I've been reading an annotated copy of the Qu'ran lately and discovered I have an interest in Islamic theology. Do you have any suggestions for any Qur'anic studies or works you think I should read?

Hey! Thanks for the ask!! With the disclaimer that these choices are based upon my own personal liking, here’s a few:

The Study Quran is an exceptional work that combines the works of multiple Muslim scholars in explaining the Quran, as much as humanly possible. I won’t ask anyone to buy it, as it’s very expensive! But I’ve uploaded the introduction (it’s not pretty) for you here. The introduction is… amazing!! Read it!! It’s so detailed and explains so much of what goes into the Quran, and what it means to Muslims.

Al-Ghazali (online library of texts)  and Ibn ‘Arabi (online library of texts) are two of my favorite theologians/philosophers/mystics, although there are many more, obviously. Both of the writers are also luckily online in total, and both websites I linked have sections on analysis/discussions on both. I would suggest starting with Ibn ‘Arabi’s Bezels of Wisdom.

Some other suggestions:

The Reconstruction of Religious Thought in Islam (Muhammad Iqbal) This was recommended to as being able to condense/logically explain Islamic works, which is nice as Islamic works are often written in a metaphoric style. I haven’t read it myself, but have a gander.

Classic Issues in Islamic Philosophy and Theology Today This is a collection of essays by contemporary Islamic scholars, discussing the importance of talking about modern Islamic philosophy and theology… which is exactly what the title is! It’s got a big variation of articles, so I can’t really summarize them all.

History of Philosophy Without Any Gaps: Islamic World (Peter Adamson) This is a really detailed set of podcasts that discusses not only Islamic history, but also much of the philosophy/theology of Islam and the interactions other religions had with it.

The Quran as Literature (Mustansir Mir) This is an interesting article discussing the value of the Quran as literature! I’m not sure it quite fits into what you are wanting, but I think it’ll be a help to you while you work your way through reading the Quran.

Some misc. stuff that is self-explanatory.

Here’s an introduction to kalam, or some classic schools of Islamic theology.

Here’s a very basic overview of Islamic theology.

- Mod Neha

[cosmicdiarysworld]

D r i v i n g

[cosmicdiarysworld]

you are everything I ever wished for

Song: l o k a ! - today

https://soundcloud.com/loka404/today

[cosmicdiarysworld]

outgoing snail mail 🌿🌞🌸

[cosmicdiarysworld]

cute things to include in penpal letters 🖊💌✨

poems that remind you of your penpal, or poems you wrote for them

a hand drawn portrait of them, if you’re artistically inclined

a list of book, movie, or tv show recommendations

a connect four game! you just draw out the board and then color in a chip every time it’s sent back and forth between you

homemade crosswords, personalized to your penpal

homemade word searches

doodles you’ve made! you can even put double stick tape on the back, cut them out, and then put them on wax paper to make them into stickers!

a playlist of your favorite songs at the moment

homemade collages matching the aesthetic of your penpal

a list of questions for them

recipes

pressed flowers

friendship bracelets

little embroidery squares! these are so cute and you can personalize them

cute crocheted things, like hearts, clovers, flowers, etc

iron on patches

tea bags

[cosmicdiarysworld]

If you are outside India, I am practically begging you to reblog this

Last week India passed a blatantly anti-Muslim law that seeks to naturalise millions of immigrants, except if they are Muslims.

In August of this year, India revoked the autonomous status of the Kashmir region, putting a communication blackout on the state. Kashmir has entered the fifth month of no internet and heaviest militarisation of any region in the world.

India is a secular, socialist republic. This bill is anti-constitutional and against the principles on which the country was founded

Naturally, there have been protests across the country. At the forefront of the protests are students from India's public universities.

Police opened fire on peaceful protestors in Jamia Milia Islamia University in Delhi, and Aligarh Muslim University in Uttar Pradesh.

Ever since then, the ruling fascist Hindu nationalist political party, the BJP, has been doctoring videos and sending fake news all over the internet, discrediting protestors and labelling them as terrorists

India has already seen too much religious violence, please please signal boost this, call your representatives, make them aware, get them to make statements. The only thing India and itd dictator Modi care about is its image abroad

[cosmicdiarysworld]

- ̗ ̀ study break ideas  ̖ ́-

if you have 5 minutes...

watch a TED talk

light a candle

paint your nails

put on a hair/face mask

splash your face with cold water

walk around your house

stretch

have a small snack

make a cup of tea/coffee

clear your desk

if you have 10-15 minutes...

watch a longer TED talk

watch a youtube video on studying/something educational

do some yoga

go for a quick run

have a shower

make a smoothie

power nap

workout

organise your desk

if you have 20-35 minutes...

watch a longer TED talk

watch one short episode of a tv programme

do a longer workout

go for a longer run

go for a walk

bake something

call a friend

if you have 40-60 minutes...

watch a documentary

watch one longer episode of a tv programme

go for an even longer walk/run

have a bath

have a one hour nap to help you remember things

[cosmicdiarysworld]

How to Love Yourself More

1. Set aside some time to think through why you feel you’re not good enough, or don’t deserve to be loved. Then actively counter each of those reasons. This is a really crucial step for you to take.

2. Make a list of at least 10 of your positive traits and strengths. Each day, add at least 2 more items to your list.

3. Commit to only saying positive and affirming things about yourself – your face, your body, your personality, your abilities, and so on.

4. Each day, tell your body how much you appreciate it.

5. Hold your head high, smile, look people in the eye, and always speak slowly, and with confidence.

6. Have the courage to list and face some of the worst mistakes you’ve made, or some of the challenges you’ve found hard to overcome. Then, gently admit to yourself that you are not perfect. In fact, none of us is perfect, and we all start from different places in life. What has been hard for you may have been easy for someone else. Choose to not be so hard on yourself – forgive yourself for EVERYTHING and then just let it go!

7. Go through your closet and experiment with your clothes until you find something that you feel really good in. Choose to wear that – and to buy other outfits that make you feel good about yourself and your appearance. Get rid of clothes that lower your self-confidence or self-esteem.

8. Learn to listen to your body and mind, and treat what they are saying with kindness and respect. If you are tired, rest. If you are feeling worn down or emotionally drained, then withdraw and do something that will help to build you up.

9. Do something nice for yourself each day. Buy yourself some flowers, some new clothes, some music … or go for a jog, get your hair or nails done …. Whatever makes you feel pampered and special and loved.

10. Give yourself permission to say no to the things that make you unhappy, or that your energy.

[cosmicdiarysworld]

Stop being tormented by everyone else’s reaction to you.

Joyce Meyer (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[cosmicdiarysworld]

[cosmicdiarysworld]

“When it comes to standards, Lizzo says f*ck em, especially the ones that are only applied to certain groups of people. After slaying every damn award show performance she touches, the 31-year-old songstress has received standing ovations from the likes of iconic superstars like Queen Latifah, Rihanna, and Missy Elliott, encouraging us all to twerk ourselves into body positivity, but her blessings didn’t come without being burdened by a lot of bullsh*t.

In a recent interview with Glamour, the singer shared that she is tired AF of people calling her brave because she has the courage to love herself in public. She explained:

“When people look at my body and be like, ‘Oh my God, she’s so brave,’ it’s like, ‘No, I’m not. I’m just fine. I’m just me. I’m just sexy. If you saw Anne Hathaway in a bikini on a billboard, you wouldn’t call her brave. I just think there’s a double standard when it comes to women.”

According to Lizzo, self-love isn’t just a trend that should be awarded in public, issa necessity that she values in private. She told The Hollywood Reporter:

“Loving who you are should start in the buff. You should essentially, by the end of your self-love journey, be completely in love with who you are with no makeup, no extra hair, no styling, no corsetry. That’s my opinion for my life — I don’t think anybody should have to subscribe to that. But I feel like if I can love that person, then anything else is possible within the spectrum of self-love. My skin, my face, no makeup — that’s fine.”

Read the full piece here

More Lizzo posts

[cosmicdiarysworld]

I’m sorry you were not truly loved and that it made you cruel.

Warsan Shire (via quotemadness)

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