cordi-loner

[cordi-loner]

When you wake up and didn’t stain the bed during your mc, you know you’re going to have an amazing day.

[cordi-loner]

I love you so much I didn’t have to pour my heart on tumblr, i pour it to you

[cordi-loner]

I want to be loved..

[cordi-loner]

So yeah I am done with emotions.

The guy I like doesn’t like me back (surprise, surprise)

Someone I considered as my best friend was only here because he thinks I deserve someone to talk to? I don’t want our friendship based on that. It feels like pity. Like oh no I’m a sad lonely person. I am so mad. He did hurt me before. Is he deep down feeling guilty about it? I don’t know. Anyway please talk to me because you enjoy talking to me not because you think I’m lonely and sad and need someone. I already have a therapist ffs. Yes I do tell you about my life a lot but it’s often cause you can relate or understand.

No, it just feels weird to talk about my life. I don’t need to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I am going to deal with my shit on my own. I don’t want or need anyone in my life right now. I’m having one of those phases again where I cannot bear people so I need a break. I need to be alone.

[cordi-loner]

Hey, I dreamt of you today in the early mornings. You believe that if you dream of someone, the latter is thinking about you. Are you? Some days, I feel that you’re a part of my soul and I lost you. It hurts. I don’t know if it is the lack of experience with other men or just that I feel an unexplainable connection to you, however each time I think about you, the butterflies shift in my stomach. I was at peace with not seeing you again because you made it clear you were not interested. Then we did hang out, and I miss us so much. I want to be with you even if it is for a small period of time. I want to know. I am tired of the “what ifs”...

[cordi-loner]

Have I let myself down? I came here with a specific goal: get out of my way and become independent. However, I let myself slip into a newly created comfort zone and I stopped trying. Being comfortable is bad for me. I need to break free.

[cordi-loner]

I can’t stop thinking about you, us... Love scenes in movies make you pop up in my mind. The way you smiled, the way you looked at me, the butterflies I got when we kissed. I am thinking of you right now and my stomach hurts from all the butterflies.

I’ve never felt like that with anyone before and those feelings were amazing. I wish you were here. I wish our relationship kept growing. I wish I had the chance to know if we could be in love with each other or not. I hate that this was taken away from me.

what’s worse is, you are not thinking about me. We are slowly fading away because you think I am not enough or worth it...

But, I think you were the right person, we just met at the wrong time.

[cordi-loner]

Do you ever feel empty? I feel like I’m the most boring person in the world but then again the most boring person in the world has some interests which makes them boring. What do I have? Nothing. Do I have any passion or interest? Something I am really good at? No. I am the lamest METY student ever. My entourage has never been interested in this field hence, I’ve never had opportunities to grow and learn in this field. What am I going to do? How am I supposed to get better? I’ve never felt so lost and empty in my life. Everyone is good at something they are proud of. What am I good at? I would very much like to make a career out of something I’m confident at. However, I am just an empty shell. Might as well just leave this world. Who cares?

[cordi-loner]

So, it’s been 6 weeks. The co/op problem was solved but now, what am I going to do? I could always grab my laptop and find something. But, why am I not doing it? Why am I just on the floor watching Netflix. I started ‘friends’ a month ago and I am almost done with it. My period is going to start soon. I was depressed during the week. I cried. I thought a lot about my ‘current’ and past lovers. School ended 2 Fridays ago and I cannot believe it is a new week already.

My friendship with Dylan is going good. I was PMSing and I was kind of irritable and annoyed easily.

I miss the beach. I was sitting on the porch, letting the sun burn my skin and staring at the blue sky. It made me think of a day at the beach. Nothing specific, just a regular day that my dad, my sister and I would go to the beach and spend a couple of hours swimming before heading to that restaurant which sold dumplings. I’ll never forget those times. I wish I could go back.

I do miss my comfort zone. Especially in those times.

To my current lover, I miss your presence but I know you do not miss mine as much or at all. I do not know what goes on in your mind but I can sense you do not want to work it out because I am not enough. You texted me 2 days ago and I was surprised, dear lover. I cannot speak of the surprise being pleasant or not because I can feel numb, sometimes. Knowing it is only temporary does not make it better.

I cry because of my unluckiness in love. No one knows. It’s a secret shared between me and my pillow

I want to love and be loved. I feel like it is too much asked. So if him and I end, I am not going to put myself out there again, not for a while. It is not like I get much attention anyway. I am just not one of those.

[cordi-loner]

Hey you, I had a dream about us, we were on the bus, you were holding my hand (I could feel your warmth) and you said how you were falling into old habits and i told you that once you start seriously dating, you’ll forget about us. I don’t know how I feel about that. We are platonic even in my dreams. Last week my feelings were numb for you but yesterday I felt something for you, again. When we started being intimate, I believed we’d go in the long term and I had all these ideas of us travelling and exploring since we like almost the same things. I don’t know how you didn’t think we weren’t compatible, because we got along so well... I still miss you, sometimes. Yesterday you texted me after you were done with your test and IDK i was surprised you thought of me. It kind of hurt when you were talking about travelling and I knew you’ll never ask me to tag along now. I realised that from now on I’ll never be one of your priorities, like I was when we were intimate. You’ll never include me in your plans. Maybe it’s for the best? I keep telling myself, maybe what happened was right and I’ll find someone else who’ll want to travel with me and who will care for me. Someone who will notice my absence. Someone who will text me when they haven’t heard from me for a while. Someone who won’t be shy to show me that they care. Someone who’s aware of their feelings and won’t consider me as a side piece until something better came along. You were the first guy I developed feelings for, honestly it’s an amazing feeling. I’m not giving up on finding someone who can give me warm cuddles, kiss me on my sensitive spots and just make me feel good about myself. Someone with whom I can be me. I need to forget about us because it hurts thinking there’s no us anymore.

[cordi-loner]

I hate you. I hate not being the one getting your exclusive attention anymore. I hate you’re not morally committed to me anymore. I hate how easy it was for you to leave me. I hate that you made it so easy to replace me. I hate that you never told me that you never really moved on. I hate how my heart compresses each time i think about us. I hate how at ease you made me felt, i loved the way you touched me (that was a big deal and you knew it) I hate how hard it is to forget about us because there were no signs that it would stop so soon. I hate that i cry because of you. I hate that you made me believe/feel it’d go on the long term. I hate that each time we’re hanging out you’re texting her. I hate how less you care about my presence now. I hate how it’s never gonna be like before. I hate how meaningless our relationship was to you. To me, it meant so much. I hate that you chose her. I caught feelings for you, no wonder, you were kind, affectionate and horny for me. You treated me well. Who wouldn’t fall for that? I wish you gave me signs that you’d go back to her when she snapped her fingers. It took one conversation to cut me off, it took one conversation to break my heart.

[cordi-loner]

Dear Mr B

It took me a lot to trust you enough to let you touch me, why did you let this happen. I’m literally sitting here crying because I wasn’t enough. You just told you’re still in that ex who broke your heart after all we’ve been through. You made me feel unwanted, like I was doing something wrong. I hate you for it. I was willing to give you my pureness for I have never felt so comfortable with someone before you. Thank you for giving me more reasons to strengthen that wall around my heart. I feel stupid for letting you inside.

Sincerely, M

[cordi-loner]

Mr. B

Dear Mr. B,

I miss your touch, I miss your warmth, I miss your body odour, I miss how I catch you staring at me for no reason, I miss the neck pecks, I miss how tightly you would hold me. You drive me crazy and I don’t know if it’s only because we got really close due to boredom and a secluded space. But, each time you text me, I think about us, us in your bedroom, doing what we never expected to happen. What will happen when we meet outside of this fantasy, busy with our own lives? Is it temporary? Am I going to do everything to stop it because new experiences like that scare me? Or am I going to let go, and let you do me? Because Mr. B, I want you, I desire you. It is far beyond physical attraction and that’s the worst kind because physical attraction fades away while this kind of attraction just grows. I can’t explain it, for I have never had such feelings for anyone else before. Mr. B, you are new, you are a threat to my rationality. But oh well I want to tame this new challenge of yours. I always get what I want Mr. B and what I want is you, deep inside of me. Oof.

Kind regards.

[cordi-loner]

Cheesy

Ok, I think now is the time for some new year resolutions that I will most probably ignore. But first, what was my 2019 like? 2019 was the year I turned 20 and hence, making me officially an “adult”. Do I feel like an adult, absolutely not! I moved far away from home so I could become more responsible and face new challenges. Also, to prove my parents wrong. Yes, mom and dad, your eldest child is trying to make something of her life even if you never believed in her. Furthermore, I became healthier at the beginning of the year but being in college and cooking on your own, can be tough sometimes. I made new friends for whom I am forever grateful. I miss my pets. I have a guy friend, which is a big deal for me. We became really close in a really short amount of time, and it is scaring us a little bit and we’re both trying to be cautious. I met wonderful people along the way. My roommate/friend moved out and I am going to live alone for a couple of months, at least. That shit is scaring me. But I have to prove my parents wrong and will not let this affect me. Also, this year was the first time I ever felt the real cold and snow, which is terrible and fun at the same time. 

So, what can I want for next year? I want it to run as smoothly as it did last year. I want to get out of my shell and try new activities. I want to invest in my future and start working. I want to love myself and appreciate what I have, more. I want my friendship bonds to grow stronger. I want to be that strong, independent woman I am meant to be. I am no more a teen and even though I may be a child at heart, I am physically a 20 y/o woman who is tired of not doing what she is supposed to do in order to achieve great things. Also, being more organised would not kill. These are my resolutions, I hope I do not get lost along the way and make myself proud.

[cordi-loner]

Social anxiety

Jeez, I am so uncomfortable in groups. I am not very close to any of them so my presence or absence doesn’t really matter. My face sometimes reveals everything and I hate it. I do want to loosen up and have fun but I simply never have fun and always end up alone. I know, it’s on me. I wish I was the opposite of me for a day...

[cordi-loner]

Invisible

Why do I always feel lonely? Why do I always feel like I don’t have friends? Why don’t I have friends? Why do I never attract guys’ attention? Am I that invisible? What the hell is wrong with me?

[cordi-loner]

Awful dream

You were just a summer fling and yet, you found your way in my dreams. It was scaringly realistic, you were there holding my hands, wanting more... do I want more? I didn’t expect anything from you as we part away but why are you in my dreams with your pretty eyes and cute smile and sexy lips which I apparently crave for. You were my first, you’ll always have a place in my heart but please, get out of my mind...