coraleyeshore

[coraleyeshore]

Summer has finally ended in this part of the world. It felt like an endless period of time where the hot of the Sun was so strong that I just wanted to stay under water all day and night. This time it looked like the summer didn’t want to leave. And I get it. There’s nothing like cold and refreshing drinks and the sea to calm the burning skin… The smell of the salt at the beach and the sunscreen mixed with sand. But neither the 40 degrees of weather nor the melancholic smells of summer can stop the Autumn.

It came the 21 of March like every year, except that this time it was so radical like Summer. One day, you are longing for a cold breeze under a 36 degrees Sun and the other day you wake up at 7am with 15 degrees. It felt like a dream come true. The showers are warm again, I don’t have to count to three to get wet in cold water and I can finally enjoy a cup of tea or coffee. It’s really nice, I’m longing to eat some guiso soon.

Days went by really fast. It was yesterday night when I had some sort of epiphany. I’m used to talk to myself because it helps me to understand me better. Sometimes, It’s hard to know why you’re thinking what you’re thinking or why are you acting like you do, so that’s when I start to talk to myself trying to figuring shit out. This past few months, I have been uncomfortable with me, with what I do and with the things I don’t do. Usually it’s easy for me to critique my life, my decisions and to just want to do things by the nether of fact that I have to. The thing is that this things I believe I have to accomplish or want in my life are not necessarily part of me… Those things are not who I am.

There was a moment where I thought “It’s not okay to long to be something I’m not”.

I felt a click inside my mind, like if someone had just turned on the light or the spell had accomplished it’s mission. Finally, after months feeling awkward in my own brain and my own body, after months recognising other’s accomplishments, possessions and longing for me to felt that everything around me was a mistake and it was wrong the place I found myself… At the end, I accepted that I’m me. I don’t have what others because I’m who I am. I’m not in another’s positions because this is my position. What others have it doesn’t have any use to me simply because I’m not them.

Maybe it’s a simple conclusion, probably it isn’t even a dilema. But after feeling stuck so many months, realising something as simple as that can be, it actually felt like the cold of Autumn. A change in the weather and a cold breeze of relief.

(A glance of my eye)

[coraleyeshore]

It’s already midnight, I’m sitting in my bed contemplating across the window. The lights of the city are soft but strong enough to let me see where I left the cup of tea (it’s at my right as usual, but sometimes I can’t see anything without light in my room so my cup ends up empty and my bed full of tea 🤭).

I hear cars passing by the streets and the only thing I’m able to think about is how much I long for silence. Have you ever wished for that too?

My heart has been quite accelerated this days. It has this tickling that makes me feel anxious and rushed in random moments by a strange force that tells me I have to go out, leave and explore something more. Sometimes, I have this sensation of limitation. I know my soul wants liberation and blooming because It’s like my movements are trapped by some invisible wall.

Maybe there is too much noise, maybe I need silence.

Either way, I do my best to keep my mind at peace... For example, there’s nothing more exquisite than a cup of tea and some brownies at midnight 😝 And I’m not alone in this summer night. A mosquito is here waiting to suck my blood and have the dinner of it’s life.

"Situations don’t last long", I repeat to myself. I know that. I long for something else... I long leaving the city and exploring the world. It’s a matter of time.

(I would love to bloom just as beautiful as them 🌸)

[coraleyeshore]

Me entrego al agua y a sus ondas para que me limpie, para que me cuide. Que me proteja, que me ampare. Le ofrezco mi mente, mi alma y mi cuerpo. Que haga de mí lo mejor que pueda, porque sé que lo hará. Sólo ella hará que reluzca entre su espuma y sus olas. Sólo ella puede hacerme resplandecer sobre el agua. Porque es su dominio, y en él ahora resido.

Me entrego con amor, porque es todo lo que me queda y todo lo que siempre tuve.

[coraleyeshore]

Sostuve el problema entre las manos y lo observé. Mejor dicho, lo ví. Lo ví de verdad y contemplé lo que aquello desencadenaba una y otra vez dentro mío.

Busqué excusas y afirmaciones para convencerme de que volver a caer en aquel delicioso éxtasis placentero y deprimente sería una buena idea. Las excusas las descarté y encontré nuevas.

Lo solté, lo dejé a un costado. Pero mi cabeza volvía a ella. Mi debilidad. No porque ella, como tal, lo fuese, sino porque el deseo de sentir lo que ella me hacía sentir era delicioso.

Soy egoísta. No me atrae aquello como tal, sino más bien lo que eso me hace sentir (lo que me hacía sentir). Hasta que hubo un punto en el cuál decidí renunciarlo y dejarlo atrás.

¿Pero entonces por qué ahora era tan tentador volver a ése punto?

Conozco las razones para no hacerlo, entonces, ¿por qué quiero?

[coraleyeshore]

El deseo quema la coronilla y los dedos en búsqueda de su debilidad.

La adicción lo doblega, como un capricho fuera de su propio poder de voluntad.

[coraleyeshore]

La traición no es hacia Dios, sino ante uno mismo. El pecado se paga con consecuencias. El perdón requiere sinceraridad.

[coraleyeshore]

[coraleyeshore]

Siento que no puedo. A veces siento eso. Es un sentimiento angustiante y molesto que se arrastra desde atrás de la cabeza hacia adelante, todo el tiempo. Se balancea de un lado a otro. En ciertas ocasiones pesa.

Es limitante. Agotador, molesto y limitante. Frustrante. Te detiene en el lugar, dejándote con la única opción de retroceder o desviarse. Frustrante, porque el camino que había elegido parece alejarse, desvanecerse, (casi) imposible de alcanzar como en algún momento había percibido claramente.

Aquella meta, destino, sueño, se desarma entre palabras desalentadoras que retumban en la cabeza. Palabras pesimistas, cansadoras y repetitivas.

”¿Por qué empecé esto si sabía que no lo podía hacer?”

Desde un principio mi profecía fue que... no lo iba a lograr, que no estaba en mi capacidad poder lograrlo ni llegar allí. Y aún así lo intenté (lo intento). Pero cuando el camino se bloquea... Me rindo. No continúo. Simplemente me desarmo.

Resistir hasta desarmarme.

Eso es agotador.