cookiejarsandbrokenhearts

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

First Love/Late Spring

I don’t know who I am supposed to be. I feel like sometimes I can’t remember your voice anymore and I am so scared that I will forget you. The way your eyes look, your scent, the way you smile, the sound of your laughter. Sometimes I feel like the more I change as a person, the further away I get from you. You were the only thing in my life I was so sure about. I feel like if I choose to be selfish, I will no longer be someone who loves you. I keep telling everyone around me that if people will choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven and I am if not the best example of that. I would rather choose to destroy myself and forfeit my humanity in order to be selfless for those around me and I thought I would be okay with that. I thought I could be like you. Somehow, I thought if I could be like you, it would make me worthy of you. All I have done now is burned my wings and descended back to where I started. Is it wrong of me to desperately want an anchor to hold myself to? Is it my fault that I have become this vile creature, with a heart held together with strings of sorrow, aggressive at all that look in my direction if only not to hide the shame that I feel. Shine light in any crevice that fills me and all you will find the remnants of a child begging for understanding. I only did it for my survival, how could everyone else be celebrated for having an identity and I, shunned for even beginning to decide. Without thought, without obligation or expectation to those who have come before me. How could they judge me for choosing where to place the only toy I held as a child when all they have done is shattered it whenever I show them how it moves even with pieces missing, with paint chipped off, with a wheel loose and bound together strips of hope. I hope you wouldn’t judge me. I know I am still holding on to you. I know that I might not move until I let go. I don’t want to. I don’t have anything left. Do you know what that possibly feels like? Sometimes it feels like you are the only one that knows what the feels like. I have dredged myself from the ocean floor through the endless stretches and it is not my fault that I am this hideous creature that people refuse to consider. I just wish that you wouldn’t look away too.

One word from you and I would Jump off of this Ledge I'm on, Baby

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Freaks - Surf Curse

I watched someone say that grief for a person is the hardest to let go because when everything else is gone, grief remains as the final thing that connects us to that person. It is the last thing that we have that ties us to this person that is no longer with us. As much as we want to let go, we can't. We have nothing but this feeling that we carry around all the time, a reminder that, yes, even through the vast span of time, there was this person, and yes, I loved them. You know I dream a lot about you, I dream about showing you sunsets and giving you the first taste of strawberry ice cream. I dream about showing you the moments in life that defined who I am and of seeing the moments in yours that would go on to define who you are.

You would have been born next week. I used a machine learning engine to even predict and to my surprise, you would have been born on the 22nd of September. The same as your father. How could I go on for the rest of my life knowing that we could have shared the same birthday. No longer will I be able to celebrate the day of my birth without remembering that it would have been the same day that you would have been brought into this world.

They say the most essential element of parting with grief is to let go of the memory of the loved one. But I don't think I ever can. I don't ever want to. Even now, I still regret not being able to bury you properly, even if you were that small. Sometimes I think that might be a blessing, you couldn't imagine the number of times I would come to your grave to speak to you.

You really do take after your father. Even in death, you still support those around you. As much grief as you have brought me, you have brought me closer to the people in my life. People important to me, people like Deanna. There is no bond alike the one between the loss of a child and the loss of a parent. So I thank you for your blessing, daughter dearest. I will spend the rest of my life begging for your forgiveness and I will never forget you. Forgive this father of yours for not having the courage to be the man you needed. Forgive this parent of yours for not being able to be more than just an overwhelmed teenager.

I dream of you almost every night Hopefully, I won't wake up this time

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Francis Forever - Mitski

It's not quite hate that I feel, and its not quite sadness either. Its just that I breathe out and wish that things could have turned out differently. At some point in time, with some version of me, you were everything. I didn't think I would choose someone I would propose to for a long time. Perhaps you just made yourself the way you were to win my love, and if that was your desire from the beginning, you won. You have my love, my affection, but why did you have to take everything you did. I still have so many things that I want to scream and shout at you. I keep trying to justify it by saying that you suffered too, but every single time I look at you, it never seems like you did. I am sure that I won't ever get closure for the things that happened and I don't know how to accept that.

You split me like a jagged blade into parts that no longer sum to a whole. I try to understand how you might feel in your own life but yet you show nothing for what you have suffered. I want to care and understand but yet all you show me is disrespect and I can accept that, but why would you not consider the life of my daughter. MY DAUGHTER. Validate yourself to oblivion but I will never let you refer to her as yours. I will not let you scorn her name for only I have cared for her more than a mere moment. YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT, AND I SHALL NOT GRANT YOU THAT RIGHT. I would have watched my hands burn with molten steel just to have held her in my arms. Yet you compare her to an accessory that you would be ashamed to hold.

I know you have told me things to merely stop my emotions, that it was a daughter because I wanted a darling girl to take care of, that she was only a month old because any longer and I wouldn't have accepted leaving her away from this world of ours. How do you relinquish the hate you have for someone for taking away your child? It seems that I will carry this hate for myself and I will bear the weight of my decisions for the remainder of this life.

I will never descend to your depths to wish suffering to anyone. Yet, this once, I wish that you may not have the privilege of love from another until you have paid in full for the sins of my daughter. May you understand and feel the loss that I have felt for dreaming of the hands of the darling girl that I may never hold. May you acknowledge the love I would have given you for giving me a daughter that I would have held next to the heart that I had surrendered to you.

I look up at the gaps of sunlight I miss you more than anything

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

My ????!!?!?? Therapy - Last Minute

I think about that night, more than you can imagine, for the first time we were together, alone. I wish I you had told me how you felt, I could have looked back in those moonlight eyes of yours and told you, Well, there′s no going back, this is the pride before the fall.

I have always liked those cheesy movies, and I have always hoped that my life might be an iridescent reflection of the couple that dances in the downpour, with only their love flowing within their veins. I would have taken you by your hand with The rain drops on our back, tonight we're dancing in a storm

I think about that night, when it was just us and if I knew you had hid tears in your eyes and the truth in your heart, I would have told you that I’d stay and that I′ll be the one that will make you smile. That I will be beside you and hold you in my arms, away from the footsteps, despair, dust of old memories, and we'll Collapse in the darkness as we wait for a while. 

Honestly I should have waited, that you meant more to me that the time I’d lose. All I cared about was For you to get better so tell me now. Just tell me, and I will listen, tell me everything, all of the remembrance you keep in the box beneath your bed, the rage that you hold in your palms, tell me, All the breakdowns you've restrained.

Well, Oh no I ruined my life again, I guess this is my fate, to repeat the mistakes that make up who I am till none remain. I’d hoped you would have changed me, but who am I kidding, I know the miserable mess I am. For someone so broken, I didn't think I could have this much pride and I won't lie, won′t admit I am broken.

And For the weirdest reason I have just been thinking about you so much these past few days. It was probably because I saw you again for the first time in a while. Seeing you, everything came back to me, and I knew it as This feeling I can't resent. I know I may not have the privilege of loving you in this life, but grant me the hope that it may not be written in stone. At the end of the day, It's your call, I'm right here, just standing by.

When will you ever learn that, no matter how much love you give, Everything is wrong, you're not enough to save it all. So do it all for you, but you would tell me that there is no such thing as reasonable selflessness.

Well, here we go, I will spend this life of mine, counting the Skylights on New York Rooftops, The stars under the skies of Khatib, the number of cans Deanna has left, the cigarettes I have lit in honor of Renjin, and the tears stained in sorrow of Katherine. I will welcome death’s embrace and tell her all about the sorrow within the beauty that I have seen in your eyes. 

You live life like a fantasy, All the stupid horoscopes keep telling me. If you ever asked me why I try to achieve so much, the answer will always be to give you that. Isn't so pathetic, that I come up with insane business plans, commit tax fraud, take all of the disrespect,  have a will to live, just so that I might be able to give you the life that you deserve one day, so that I may be the one to see you for who you are and love you anyway?

Won't it be such a waste? To try so hard, that the only thing that pushes you is something that doesn't exist? Sometimes in my heart, I know no matter how hard I hold on, no matter how many moments I get from the sidelines, I know I'll never live to see the end. So many have tried to prescribe me God, they tell me that theres a plan, but where was he when I begged for hope, when I only knew nothing but the blood held within the jeans I tore that summer night, so tell me how can I believe that God sent me to a world of mistakes. 

And before I go ahead and do it all over again, I think about what Renjin tells me, that all of this, the carpark rooftops, the empty badminton courts and the laughter that I don't hear anymore, it was all meant for me, 

because, as he would put it, 

This is my fucking therapy

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Heaven - Mitksi

I thought of you again, today, under the stars at the same spot where I went with my past love. You would have liked her, serene like the waves curling in between my toes. I saw a star with a little one beside it, they looked so close together, like they were holding hands, even if it was light years, they seemed so close but in positions not destined to collide, nor to bear the privilege to intertwine. You would have looked at me with disappointment with the lit stick between my fingers. Forgive me, for not having the strength of the father you deserve. I took down the date I lost you, I don't think I can ever bear to name it your death. Who could have known that it was on some ordinary thursday? it reminds me that life and death is not some special occassion, just a passing of a moment in time. Leave it to this deranged father of yours to make that moment last an eternity. You remind me of an instrumental. I'd like to think that your voice bears no words, but a crescendo of feelings not unlike the one that roars in my heart overflowing with the rage that I will never hold you in my arms. I hope that I may have your blessing to think of you, just for a bit longer. So that I may hold you dearly, in my heart. So that I may remind myself for the sins of the past. So that I may remember what love feels like. Darling Daughter, So that I may believe that I might have amounted to more than who I am.

Instrumental, Heaven - Mitski

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

I Bet On Losing Dogs - Mitski

I've been seeing this post on the interwebs, characters whose philosophy is “if i cannot be wanted, i will be needed and if i cannot be needed, let me be used until there’s nothing left of me.” thank you for everyone’s attention. falls off stage and dies - wonderland-mp3

It reminds me of you so much you know? I mean I don't think I can go further into detail without my spluttering heart on the desk. I've been shuffling about on this hopeless plateau of mine trying to grasp if it was love I felt for you or finally someone that was so alike me. Illusion the interwebs say, that you merely showed what I wanted to see, but I refuse to believe that. Please leave enough of yourself for me. NO, LEAVE NONE OF IT. I want you to keep all of it for yourself, I would give you shade in hurricanes of fury and hold onto you through the sand storms that surround us. When the dust settles, I will be there, and perhaps I will have the privilege of seeing the sunlight sparkle in your eyes. Perhaps no more cheesy poems from me for now, but our story isn't over, not while I still my breath, my fury and my heart which has made a mess on my desk and is all dusty on my floor

I bet on losing dogs, I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place by the ring

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

A Dance of Fire and Ice

As we held each other, a mere grasp Our touch, held together beyond, Fingers interlocked, Hearts Interlinked, Sparks of light, as worlds collide.

I know now, that I was never selfless. For I only cared, beyond the hand I held, Frozen by your eyes, Warmth, felt by your silence As you lit with an ember glow of, Those that I have yet to see, Yet to meet.

You, living beyond those younger. Carrying more than those older. Yet, no weight heavier than your own, Reminded twice by the tears that streamed.

And as we twirled through the forests, The valleys old and the new, Stopping for none other than each other, I pray I will never lose you twice,

As we held each other in this dance, This dance of Fire and Ice.

-𝒄𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒊𝒆-

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

I bought you chocolates

I bought chocolates for you, I stood around the aisle in wonder, As I stared at the many options. None seemed just right for you.

I didn’t quite like the one that was too big, Fearing you might be overwhelmed, By yet another effortless gesture, Exercising wealth not warmth

I wanted to choose the brightest colour, Blue like your favourite pastel hue, Yet none quite seemed as elegant, None had the same shine and glimmer as you.

Cookies and Cream I thought, What a wonderful idea, A reflection of what I knew yet I felt, A waste to choose something, That didn’t feel so special.

So I settled on the golden little globes, Their reflection a reminder of limerence, A feeling of delusion in that loud bustling aisle, Yet the thoughts of you, serene and calm,

I bought you chocolates. Yet none as sweet and profound.

-𝒄𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒊𝒆-

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Rumination

The lines you write, a fury of words They blur to encompass my view. The little things, the ones that matter, Every touch, every smile as we lock eyes.

We all run, From the dark in the depths, The dark in others, The dark in ourselves.

Yet, I know you will stand, Against what creeps along the back of your mind For those who do not deserve it.

Not this time, No longer will you stand alone Against the tides that crash in your mind, Nor the storm of words that you stand through, Let me stand by your side, Take my hand, I promise we'll be fine.

And as we both go under, I will hold you Against the currents we can't see. Even if I am swept away, I will bend the seas, to my will

To find my way back to you.

-𝒄𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒊𝒆-

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Pastel Blue Skies

You are worth fighting for. Words you won’t believe, yet you have seen wars fought Over those that you wish you were.

I wonder of how you could live seeing. The lengths, the charms Of those who charged at overbearing odds, Yet none of with the slightest thought, Of you.

I dismiss the hearts and swirls, Yet its a spike seeing you, no more then a fleeting glance Choking on the whiskey that I didn’t drink. So much for being a leader, My focus diverted by your reflection as I watch as the noise drowned out, By your silence.

You know I’d rip out my heart for you but I kinda need it right now, cause I still have to go a cardiologist. Perhaps I’ll finally know what’s wrong, but Even they would struggle to explain, the stars in your eyes.

But I think I'll settle for bulk ordering your favourite pocky. I never thought that the love plastered upon the packaging, could taste as sweet as your smile. But I doubt it could beat the peace you bring me, that of Pastel Blue Skies.

-𝒄𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒊𝒆-

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Absence

Light ricochets off, the smiles of those dispersed Spread amongst the front, to the back Violent reds, Gentle blues

A stage cast with the sound of beats 2/4, 4/4 Play and repeat

The audience beckons, those that watch Our words, our actions So we play, verse after verse

But I can’t help but wait for the chorus, Where I look, amongst the crowd, Your smile, the only one that matters.

The patches between the notes, A reminder to keep in time. Yet the only thing I notice is your absence.

-𝒄𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒊𝒆-

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Moon

I hear the pounding against my head, As I lie awake, my eyes aching at the sight Of you, your presence, the lack there of.

Reminded once more, By your natural tones, Delicate and soft. Against the trained keys of which I play Determined and harsh. Your hand in mine, Intertwined. In this dance, that we now call our future.

The sound of your voice, A fleeting glint in your eyes, Heard over overbearing odds, Seen against neon signs.

I just really want to stay by your side. To never let you lie, Not to the dandelions nor the darkened signs, That you aren't enough.

So what do you wanna do? Because I'm not going without you. Not through the calmest waters, Nor the highest tides. The darkest lands, Nor the cloudiest skies.

Even as death takes my hand, I will hold you with the other, And I promise to find you no matter where I am, What do you say?

Will you let me take you to the stars?

-𝙢𝙤𝙤𝙣-

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

The Dust between Pages

In the years that pass by, I reminisce of the weight, Of the many that I carried.

Words that carried weight, More than that of the ink they were written in. A show of strength, A comparison, Between the many that carried, cover to cover. With only a goal to succeed.

Letters spread across, Yellowed Pages, Globes sat still. Those of which that taught me, About the stars, to which I yearned About the world, to which I longed Those that defined. Pain, of that I felt. Desire, to bring pride to the ones that mattered.

It is funny how a letter can define Love, A single one from a report card. From those who walk about, whom refer to it as success. Both of whom, I have dwindling respect for, That I call my parents.

But these letters who pierced more than those of words written. Filling books whose purpose I never understood, Defining me to a selection, As those who could not, Excel, Perform.

What are you to define my happiness? A gauge, not of brilliance But of inability. From spelling quizzes, Math Olympiads.

Now you sit on shelves, Layered in stages For I am no longer held by you. As you sit, With Dust between pages.

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Strawberry Fields

Shimmering Glasses, lined with drops They settle along the edge, as we sit in silence Their red hue, a contrast against the blue light A reflection of hearts and colours.

Now I sit in the same silence, with the song we had on repeat No longer with the flickering of candle light, that once sat on the cake of which we celebrated. Only a fluorescent blue that could not replace,

The drinks, The talks, The tears, And the time.

The splinters that once split the rays of gold, No longer hold the tint of roses, A Rose amongst Thorns, that lay among and between The ones that I have met, along this journey of time

No longer may I desire for more, For someone has taken what I long for, but I only wish for your happiness, So that I may see your smile once more.

As all of the winds have blown, Between the valleys, contoured and fine As the torrents have poured, From the clouds above mine Death has listened, and heard my truth I only wish for your happiness.

Reminded once more by the sight of strawberry fields.

-----

Even so I do not lose hope, That I may once have back what I have lost, A treasure, An island, A glimpse, On the horizon of which I look to.

Your eyes, As beautiful as the moment I saw you. They remind me of those that I have met, Those that shine with the fleeting light of Comets.

I may not have the warmth of your heart, Nor the love of sunlit skies. But I will look once more to you, Through the tears that I cry.

My love of you, bound to none, Transcendent, Everlasting, Through that we call time.

I will find you, Once more, So that I may admire your beauty,

Beyond, The Skies, The Waves, And the hills.

Amongst, peaceful, serene,

Strawberry Fields. Bernice, Thank you. For Everything. -𝙬𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙡-

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Candle light

Layers upon Layers, They stack like the years that we live. Each with an icing and a flavour.

Candles amongst Candles, The scatter the top, towering above the field of colours, that spell your name, in sweet and delight.

This one day that we celebrate, in homes of our own, gathered in groups of many, a victory of hardship, against odds.

But they mean nothing to me, not the numbers that I add in my calendar, nor the gifts that pile my notes, one after another.

All but one, The one that matters, Not all layers have icing, And yet, the slice I have had with you, has always tasted sweet.

Happy Birthday, dearest. And may your Candle never flicker, even against the winds, of all that is yet to come. -𝙬𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙡-

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Kōsen

The golden hue of the sky beckons, Clouds drift by aimlessly, Akin to those amongst, The trains and the buses, The pavements and the roads, That line this city of all.

I watch as the fine strands line, Both brown and black, Tracing along your delicate features, Your glasses reflect the rays that lace, The skies above, not leaving a trace.

If I were to possess power, Of those that have long passed, Tenfold. I would paint the sky after your image, So that I may admire your beauty for eternity, Illuminated by rays of gold. -𝙬𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙡-

[cookiejarsandbrokenhearts]

Comets shimmering on a cloudless Sky

The sky lit by the lights of lamps afloat, They stretch beyond the eye can see, Through the land, the corners, The roads and the trees.

They glow with the hue of days gone past, amongst the dark, murky, forests and paths.

Of all the stone pavements that snake through this city, Glasses of Wine, Bourbon, Soju and Whiskey.

I look upon you, deep in slumber, eyes closed, your mind, Oh What a wonder! Have thy met a creature of great depth, unlike the shadows that creep along the steps.

Of this city, that most know, A movement, Clockwork, A symphony, Sorrow, Bestowed.

But of all the long paths, and all that the light traces, Might I have the pleasure of meeting such a person, To carve a space beyond all time, A small piece, A window, A moment, A crime. To have all but a second, the hour hand aloft. To admire, your beauty, your heart, Delicate and Soft.

May all of the winds blow, from the paths and the forests, May all of the rain fall, from the skies above ours. May Death listen, and hear my lies. For a moment more, I only wish to look at your eyes, A reminder of Comets shimmering on a cloudless Sky. -𝙬𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙡-