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ConfusedRobotCat’s Video Game Reviews #006: Persona 5

Persona 5 is an amazing 100 hour sleep simulator where you get to experience the thrill of being sent to bed by a talking cat every time you have a task to do. Miss appointments, receive fines, and go to jail all as a result of a cat who won’t let you get out of bed.

10/10 would play again.

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had a terrible nightmare that league of legends was a real video game that people actually played

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ConfusedRobotCat’s Video Game Reviews #005: Undertale

Undertale is a great new game that has captured the hearts of many people. The character designs are unique and varied, with such characters as Tall Skeleton, and Short Skeleton. The inventive names (Papyrus, Comic Sans, Ariel, Helvetica, Calibri, Times New Roman, Sanvito Pro, Karate, Disney Logo, Futurama Alien Font1) are clearly very well thought out and totally original, and the gameplay features the unique notion of looking like a retro Gameboy game, something no indie game has done before. 

It in no way resembles the video game from Star Trek: The Next Generation, but you can still expect complete strangers to try and force a headset onto you and get you to play the game and induct you into their army of brainless video-game slaves.

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ConfusedRobotCat’s Video Game Reviews #004: Skyrim

Skyrim (also known as ‘Log Horizon’) is a game centred around the “rim” around the “sky”, which we know today to be the horizon - created when the ground and sky appear to meet due to the curvature of the Earth. Skyrim itself is actually the fifth instalment in a series of games called “The Elder Scrolls”, which sounds impressive and mystical to five-year-olds. 

The main plot involves the player character facing off against “the world eater” who is prophesied to “eat the world” in a feat of hilariously cliché bullshit. If the player gets bored of this terrible, awful story - the game is also “open world”, which means you can do anything you like. Just like in real life. So it can be like playing the Sims without any of the shame of having bought the Sims. 

The game features impressive gameplay such as “walking” and “attacking” and looks impressively like every other video game of this genre.

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ConfusedRobotCat’s Video Game Reviews #003: SSBMelee

SSB:Melee (Super Spongebob Melee) is a cross-over fighting game featuring universally beloved characters who have become household names in the past twenty years. These characters include; Roy, Dr. Mario, and The Ass Climbers. Having a massive range of selectable characters (like, ten!), players constantly try various ways of making the game as boring as possible by creating tournaments where they ban fun items and characters and force everyone to play the same way. Later games in the series, like Smash4, are strongly opposed by these greasy unemployed 30-somethings for being too accessible to normal people. The exciting gameplay mostly consists of pressing “A”, and the graphics are rivalled only by a child’s drawing. 

Notably, the title of the game is a grammatically incorrect sentence fragment and non-sequitur.

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ConfusedRobotCat’s Video Game Reviews #002: LOL

LOL (Also known as ROFL, LMAO, and PMSL) is an online multiplayer freemium game copied code-for-code from WOW (also known as OMG, OMFG, AMAZEBALLS, HOLYSHIT, and WHOO). The player assumes the role of a Dorklord who throws Dorkballs to release Champeens, similar to the popular franchise “Medabots”. The goal is to use your Champeens to destroy nests built by other lonely middle-aged players. A proponent of capitalism, the characters get stronger by obtaining gold. 

LOL is incredibly competitive, with at least six people playing at any given time. Despite its silly, meaningless name that doesn’t make any sense, the game features revolutionary graphics and gameplay that are revolutionarily the same as every other game you’ve ever played online.

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ConfusedRobotCat’s Video Game Reviews #001: Xenoblade

Xenoblade (lit. Outer-blade*) is about She-Hulk, an Aryan who wields the Sharknado. The Sharknado is a special Keyblade that grants She-Hulk the power to become Sailor She-Hulk. Most Mans (a species of alien to which She-Hulk belongs) cannot control the Sharknado, and the Sharknado is unable to do harm to the Biomongles who supposedly created it.  Xenoblade’s story focusses on the mystery of the Sharknado, and the war between the Biomongles and the Cybertronians.

With ingenious environmental design that puts grass next to metal things and makes you go “woah”, and great gameplay such as “running” and “walking”, Xenoblade is one of the best video games ever devised by monkeys smacking their hands on a keyboard, and is so popular that people are vaguely aware of it from having played Smash Bros. 

*As opposed to inner-blade