confessionspace

[confessionspace]

I wanted to send anon hate to my stalker about some bullshit he is spewing (aphobia, sanism, general condescending bullshit), nothing too mean but just to get him to think about it and maybe ask me for insight as I'm the only person he knows irl on Tumblr so I could tell him off about it without feeling like I'm about to get my life nuked about it. Turns out he disabled anon asks. Fuck me I guess but it was an evil plan anyways. Not as evil as what he did to me (bro genuinely created ai generated nudes of me and showed them to me for some reason???) anyways though so he can suck it ⭐

Submitted October 19, 2024.

[confessionspace]

I wish I was a system so fucking bad. I wish I was plural. because it would explain so much. it would explain all the times I don't feel like myself. I know that's just dissociation but I hate it, I hate it so much, I hate not feeling attached to my identity. it's scary. I wish I could have alters because it always seems like they have a solid sense of identity. i wish that when I didn't feel like myself, instead i could explain that by saying oh, I'm somebody else, instead of just feeling like I have no identity at all. I have an alt that I sometimes use when I dissociate where I go by a different name because it makes me feel more comfortable when I don't have to pretend to be myself when I don't feel like myself. but it's just one of my auxiliary names that nobody ever fucking uses for me. none of the information is different, I put the same pronouns on that blog, just said ftm instead of transmasc like I usually call myself, but I know that isn't a different person. I know that's just me and my issues. I'm tired of having so many fucking issues it's why nobody likes me. I wish I could solve them but I've been through 4 therapists and I'm losing hope. I don't know what to do. I wanna die. why can't I just be somebody else.

Submitted October 16, 2024.

[confessionspace]

my friend is going through something really hard I went through the exact same thing a couple of months ago. we had falling outs with the same friend group

I remember how much it hurt for me when it happened and I really want to be there for her but I'm worried I'm coming off like I'm pitying her.

I'm worried that maybe it doesn't hurt for her like it hurt for me. I'm being gentle with her like I would have wanted back in July, but I don't know if that's what she wants. I don't know if she knows what she needs. I don't know if I should ask her.

I'm worried to ask her if I'm coming off a certain way as well, because I don't want to seem like I'm fishing for for pity by making myself seem like a bad person, or by explaining how much the situation hurt me as well.

but more than anything I don't want to hurt her or distance from her. she just had to cut ties with an entire group of friends- I don't want to be another. and I don't have any desire to cut her off either.

but I just don't trust myself enough. I'm not very stable. I'm so so worried I'm going to hurt her. she's been there for me when I needed it and now I'm going to do the same for her. but I guess I'm just... scared of myself.

more than anything I don't want to tell her any of this, because the way I'm struggling with it is not her problem, especially not right now.

I just hope she's okay.

Submitted October 16, 2024.

[confessionspace]

my online friend stopped talking to me and I have such a breakdown that I almost relapsed

Submitted October 12, 2024.

[confessionspace]

my friend likes to send me a bunch of random audio messages. it’s usually just her barking or whimpering (don’t ask) and i usually don’t have my headphones on me to listen to them (and there’s no way i’m playing those without headphones) so i usually never end up listening to them. they’re always really random with no context given before or after so there’s no telling what they’ll contain

a little while ago i did have my headphones connected to my phone so i decided to listen to a few of them to see what they said. most of them were just stupid stuff like i thought, but one of them was her singing happy birthday to me. id given it no acknowledgment of any kind when she sent it. i feel so bad that i never said anything about it since it was so sweet, and i’m scared to now since it’s been so long

mia if you’re reading this (very unlikely) i’m sorry that i didn’t notice until months after my birthday. it was really really sweet and i’m so grateful for it

Submitted August 14, 2024.

[confessionspace]

i want an older sibling so bad

it'd just be nice

to have

somebody

who went through it with me

itd be nice to have

somebody

i wish i wasn't so lonely

but nobody gets it

everyone just tells me im lucky to be an only child

i want an older sibling

i want somebody whos close enough in age to me to get it but whos a little older enough to give me a little guidance and that i dont feel bad relying on sometimes

i want to be someones little sibling

i want to be someone that someone feels like they want to protect

i want to be protected

i want to be loved

Submitted August 7, 2024.

[confessionspace]

having subconscious internal biases is a bitch, especially when it clashes with your actual conscious opinions on things

it's like having the Judgemental Auntie™ living in your head spouting off terrible opinions all the times

Internal Judgemental Auntie™ brain: [terrible, rude opinion]

Me, internally: oh my god shut up, that is not what I think, shut up-

Submitted August 1, 2024.

[confessionspace]

Trigger warning: sexual assault/rape. Suicide ideation at the end I guess.

Someone I thought was my best friend raped a girl. I found out a week ago. I’m obviously disgusted and repulsed by him and what he did, but I also feel disgusting and repulsive. I introduced them. I had no clue that he would ever do anything like this. And this isn’t like, I ignored any weird behaviours that he exhibited, I’m a woman, a masculine one, but a woman. I wouldn’t and don’t stand for any sort of shit like that. I am completely blindsided by this. I was physically sick when I was told, I only started having proper full conversations again yesterday, but I haven’t been able to tell anyone about it. Because im partly to blame. I was invited to that house party, but I didn’t wanna go, and I introduced them. I feel sick again. I feel at fault. And I feel betrayed. This is the man who I’ve trusted for years, this is the man who I told about my own sexual assault, this is the man who went with me to the doctors to get checked for any STDs, this is the man I’d looked at like a brother. I fucking hate him. And I hate myself. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I haven’t left the house. I haven’t been able to say anything to the girl he raped beyond that I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know what to do now. How am I supposed to just go back to normal life? I feel like the worst human. My mum keeps saying I didn’t do anything wrong, but I feel as if I aided in that girls rape. I helped ruin her life. They would’ve never met if it wasn’t for me. I’m so sorry. I want to go back and never introduce them. I want to have never met him. I want to fucking kill him. I trusted him and n in loved him. I want to kill him. And I don’t know how to live with this guilt. I keep going over every interaction I can remember and trying to find any sign that he’d do this, but he was so… good. J thought he was one of the few good ones. It shames me to admit that at first I thought maybe he didn’t do it, that maybe it was a false accusation. But the proof is concrete. The cunt filmed it and sent it to his friend. I don’t know if this made sense I’m just sort of typing, I don’t know who to talk to. I can’t talk to my mum because she says she always knew there was something off about him, and I don’t want to tell my friends because I’m scared that if they’re disgusted with me too it’ll kill me. I can’t talk to the girl because how dare I act like this when it’s not me that was raped by him, and she’s suffering enough. I don’t know what to do. And I’m so angry and sad and tired. I want to kill him for what he did to her, and I want to kill myself for aiding him. I don’t know how to continue living knowing that I’ve been friends with a future rapist, and that I introduced him to his victim. I’m so sorry

Submitted July 5, 2024.

[confessionspace]

ok confessions time is over! may your dash be free of my spam again inshallah

[confessionspace]

i listened to 'Gommene Gommene' and i choked up; i felt like crying somewhat but then it became an unknown emotion yet it was no emotion? and then it turned into more choking up? the choked up went away quickly after.. the feelings came a bit slowly too.. im unsure of how to describe this.. i think i felt it acutely and 'sometimes'?

i think im compassion-fatigued and empathy-fatigued since i witnessed too much? (i heard a person can get that due to witnessing too much pain/sorrow, and i regain (?) empathy after i take time to myself.. or maybe im understimulated? i do seek out entertainment so maybe i am.. or i might be emotionally burnt out, maybe all at the same time.. i don't know)

Submitted May 25, 2024.

[confessionspace]

I love them. I fucking love them and I'm a stupid fucking coward who can't say it. It's been 2 years. I should've said fucking ANYTHING by now.

Submitted May 17, 2024.

[confessionspace]

I stay home while my mom works. We have a cat. Rn our cat is in boarding. It's so lonely. I've been stuck inside for 5 years with little to no contact with people. I have no social skills and no friends. I feel like my mom is tired of me now and that I'm holding her back. She's so much more happier with her friends than she is with me. I feel like if I kill myself she'll be free of the burden of having me.

People always joke that children are expensive but I feel like it's because she kept me that we're now struggling. I have to eat Nothing but bread. My mom barely eats anything. If I wasn't born she'd be happier. She'd have more freedom.

-🤺

Submitted April 26, 2024.

[confessionspace]

It feels like I'm a badly written character. There is nothing beyond the surface level. There is literally nothing more to me.

I am just a repetitive machine spurting out self-deprecating jokes and puns because they're the only forms of humour I know. I can't even tell if the self-deprecation is real anymore. It's just there. If I ever actually think I've done anything wrong or I'm not good enough I'll break down and yet somehow I cope with these jokes even whilst I still believe them. It's like I make them to seem less big-headed than I feel I actually am. To bring myself to reality.

I have this fear that everyone will tire of me eventually once I've said all I have to say. When they realise I have nothing more because I only have so much in me.

Maybe I just feel this self pity because self pity is better than nothing at all. I don't want to be a nothing. It's just my efforts to add in my own complexities to my character.

Even sending this feels like a reach for pity points because I want to be someone special in one way or another so badly. I somehow hate myself and cannot stand being less than perfect at once.

Sorry for this mess.

Submitted April 10, 2024.

[confessionspace]

there’s too many thoughts in my head these days, sometimes i think i just need some time by myself to clear them out. i try to, but my mind eventually ends up thinking about them. the one person that occupies my mind and my heart, it’s getting a bit concerning. i hope i can talk to them soon. maybe it’ll calm me down.

Submitted April 10, 2024.

[confessionspace]

I unironicly call my parter my mate in my head. It makes me slightly repulsed by myself, but at the same time, it feels correct to me.

Submitted March 27, 2024.

[confessionspace]

sometimes it feels. somewhat suffocating to be in a group of people your age, and yet they seem to know so much more than you think you ever will. i know it, deep in my heart, how to handle emotions and how to communicate and that relationships (platonic or romantic) aren’t just things to be taken for granted. but when it comes to a time where they’re confiding themselves to me, i feel a little guilty, that i’m not able to help them through it, that i never seem to be able to say the right things in fear of making it worse for them. maybe it’s because of the way my parents raised me, or maybe i did this to myself. i don’t really know.

Submitted March 15, 2024.

[confessionspace]

i really really want to pack (trans guy, sort of) but i feel like i'm doing it wrong and it doesnt actually look like a dick. also i'm scared to do it around certain friends because theyre supportive but they know im afab and im scared it might be awkward. idk what to do about it

Submitted March 9, 2024.