confessionsofabitteroldwoman

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

I should have told you what needed to be done in a house we both lived in.

You expected everything to be sorted when you weren't there to help, got mad that it was the state it was, and then left me to finish it all off. Left me on my hands and knees as I did the job you said you would do. I spent my day off waiting for someone on your behalf, then spent hours trying to get to and from the letting agents to return the damn keys.

You were mad I was mad that you were three hours late. There's always an excuse for you, a reason why this and why that, how dare I be mad.

You tell me we treated our friend horribly and implied I was doing the same. You said you felt awkward around me on my birthday celebrations because I wasn't talking to you much, the day where I am surrounded by other people I don't get to see as often as you.

You know I hate confrontation and you throw that to my face, tell me I'm not allowed space to think because you want to tackle the problem then and there.

You keep telling me that you might come across mean but it's only because you care. You tell me how I should be acting if this friendship mattered to me. You say "Surely nothing that's been said or done merits destroying a 10 year friendship right?"

But you tell me that you think I only included you in something because I lived with you and couldn't hide it from you.

You bring someone else in into the discussion even though they live a million miles away for what?

You tell me we're supposed to communicate once again, tell me we're supposed to fight for each other but I feel like I've just been in a boxing fight with you and you're telling me that it's all okay so long as we talk about why we're hurting, because this is what friends do when they care.

I go through over and over again, over and over and over. And I want it to stop.

I want you to stop, stop telling me what good friends should do, stop telling me how I should process my feelings. Stop telling me I need to communicate when all I feel from your communication is the responsibility of whether this friendship continues. That if it falters and dies it's because of me, that you were just communicating and I shut off.

You tell me to communicate and yet you sit and talk about me with another friend, a friend I have weekly dinners with. A friend who clearly has some unresolved issues with me, and you two were able to make amends for what you did to her and now you have a common enemy. But I still sit in her house, and hers mine, talking about life and houses and the future, and I can't look at her properly anymore. Like at any point that bomb will explode and I won't know what to do.

You tell me to communicate but she clearly has unresolved issues she never once tried to communicate to me.

And when this friendship dies, I'm the bad guy. Because I didn't do enough, I didn't communicate enough, I was mean and horrible, probably self-centred and self-serving.

What merits destroying a 10 year friendship? Perhaps it's someone constantly telling you nothing is worth losing a 10 year friendship as she drills the 101 ways you could have been a better friend.

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

Honestly, it’s pretty much been a year and I have no interest in going back to school. Which terrifies me because even the career I’m looking into now need specific qualifications. But the idea of it all terrifies me still. I don’t know, and I know it must be illogical but I just don’t want to do it anymore. I want to learn as I go, not just all theories. I want practical deadlines and not university deadlines. I want to be earning money not spending money I don’t have to sit in a lecture theatre.

That thought of not wanting to go back to university scares me because all my life I’ve thought I was academic, so if I’m not that then what am I? Hello crushing sense of adulthood, my break from you has been incredibly short. 

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

I just realised I don't really think my parents get me. Not in an angsty teen oh my god you're ruining my life kind of way. But a genuine I can't figure this child out way. Which kinda makes sense because I don't really get me either. Even so, you'd think they'd know me well enough to know my favourite chocolate or whether I like soup or not, and maybe they do know but I sometimes feel like if I put them up against my friends, my friends would win a quiz all about me. My dad wasn't always around when I was younger and even though I was a "daddy's little girl" I never really became close to him. Then I was replaced by a baby cousin because all that adoration and love for a little girl that he was never really able to give me suddenly had a place to go. It's difficult to shower your own daughter the same affection when she grew up way too quickly for your liking. Mum, I don't even know. She grew up with sisters, you'd think her only daughter would be close to her. But that's exactly the reason why she isn't. Or maybe it's just been hard on her having to look after me constantly when I was ill so maybe she dislikes me a little for that. Maybe she got so used to only looking after me as a small sick child that now I'm actually okay she doesn't know how to fit in my life. Maybe it's just all me. Maybe I just don't let anyone understand me. Maybe I'm just not able to. Either way I just don't feel the same empathy from my family than from my friends. And I just feel so shitty whenever I think about how much closer everyone else is to their family than I am.

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

I’m just so offing frustrated! With how things are, the only time I really have things to do is when I go away and do things with my friends and it’s suddenly a burst of business and what feels like normalcy then it’s a complete crash as soon as I get home because I have nothing to do. Nothing else to look forward to until we plan something else but even then there’s the worry of can I afford this? 

I just feel so stuck right now, glued to the spot whilst everything else fast forwards around me and I don’t know what to do. I hate sitting here and just watching time go by without doing anything. There’s just doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to my life right now and I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. 

First year of university may have been one of my worst years, homesickness and loneliness and change just never work together but I had a goal, to get out of the house, to go to my lessons, to do well and just try to live my life. I have no life here, I have no goals. I don’t know what I’m meant to do and I’m in a freaking canoe in choppy waters with nothing to hold on to! There isn’t even really one thing in my life stable enough for me to be able to try and get a handle on other things, everything is shaking and threatening to collapse whilst everyone else is slowly building a house. 

It fucking sucks, you know? Even the people around me who feels unsafe have one stable thing in their life, they’re working and earning money, maybe they hate it right now but god they have the chance to save and move and just shake things off every now and then. I’m a sad, failure living for the moments I can forget and pretend life is back to those times when money was tight but I had good company and we were all steadily trying our best to get through, but now, now everyone else is doing well and I’m drowning. 

I’m weak and pathetic and god knows other people would do far better in my situation, in fact they are doing far better with the same opportunities I have. I feel so stupid sometimes, and useless because there are things I’ve turned down because I’m scared and I know other people would grab it with both hands and worry about it later but I can’t. I know I should just grow up and get on with it, other people are, but it’s so hard. God, I am pathetic. This is why I’m here. This is when I wish I had no one to disappoint. 

I’m just struggling and there are probably better ways to handle things but I’m just weak. 

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

Sometimes I just want to disappear. Not not-alive more like not-existed, ever. 

And sometimes I wonder if I have depression. I don’t often like to voice that opinion because I feel like I’m overreacting but sometimes I need to know. 

I’ve considered going to the doctors and asking about it but what do you say? Hi I think I have depression. Then what? They either think I’m overreacting so I feel stupid or they think I do have depression then what?

Both of those things sounds kinda scary and I don’t know which I’d rather hear to be honest. Not having it means I’m just stupidly sad and lonely at times, that I’m selfish because I feel like it’s more than just your general being sad and lonely. Having it means, well, it means I have depression. I know you can get help and people cope with it, I know people who have depression, but then what? I don’t want to have to rely on drugs, nor do I want to have that conversation with my parents. 

Is there a way to be diagnosed without going to the doctors? Probably not. 

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

I’m not really looking forward to my birthday this year. Maybe the old age bug’s just gotten to me. My own birthday just doesn’t feel special to me anymore. It’s just another day where you feel like something different should happen but it’s just another day that no one pays attention to. 

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

This is becoming more and more like the confessions of a depressed old woman. 

I miss them. I miss Fran most of all. It’s not even just the talking that I miss, that’s easily solved by texting or calling or messaging or skyping or even snail mail. In this time and age, speaking to someone is incredibly easy. Unless that someone’s really busy I suppose. But no, I miss her company. Sitting in silence doing our own thing but being sat together, someone to turn to talk about the most menial thing, someone to distract you/for you to distract when bored. 

I want a hug from her. 

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

We went on a Room Escape live experience today and at the end of it we got given "new secret agent identities". Since the woman gave it to us in a way that seemed like she picked specific identities for us for a reason we talked more about why we got who we got. I was given The Brain, one of my housemate was given Shadow. She didn't seem too pleased with it and I see her point but I think by that it means she's quiet but stealthy and smart about how she does things. 

Sometimes though, just in life in general, I feel like Shadow. In the game she may have been quiet and unassuming but very much important but I think I'm just there. We were having a discussion on the train back about what mannerisms and such we've picked up from each other and everyone had something from everyone but me. It's one of those things that you are convinced is true but you secretly hope not, something that you don't really want to hear the truth about but are curios and a bit hopeful that you may be wrong. When in actual fact, you are completely and utterly correct. 

I am the unassuming and silent shadow. Only this time, unlike in the game, I don't play much of a role in anything. 

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

I've just been feeling so needy for the last couple of weeks. Eugh. What is this and how do I stop it?

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

Once again I am left with the responsibility of house stuff. I just asked for one email to be drafted and I get the excuse that she cannot get to her email. What does that even mean? You have a computer, you can get on Facebook, how the hell can you not get on to your email?!

And once again, my need to get things done so I don't have to put up with those girls anymore forces me to do the job whether I want to or not. As much as I would like to leave it until they realise it has not be done, I would also just like to get my money back and leave them. 

Even when I don't live with them anymore they still piss me off. 

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

Note to self: Do not do laundry with housemates

At least not ones who have different definition of what 'light colours' to me.

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

Hormones and tear ducts stop it! Get your bloody acts together!

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

I've got an interview tomorrow for a good job that I was not expecting anything from. They rang me this afternoon asking if I could come in for an interview tomorrow morning. I don't know what to think. I've had no time to prepare for this at all and that could be really good or really bad. I hope it's the former. 

I don't know. I really don't know.

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

Money, money must be funny in a rich man's world

I thought I just had enough money saved for the last bit of my deposit/first month's rent for the new house but it turns out I'm still £50 short, and even if I find £50 somewhere my savings account will have zilch. 

Ugh. I need more hours, or a different better paying job, or just something that will make me more money.

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

Homeward Bound

Fran's going home tomorrow. Which means I'll be alone in this house with my two other housemates, both of whom gets on my nerves. Se'll be away for 13 days. 

I dunno. I'm not mad or upset. It just kinda feels like how it was last year, trying my best not to go home because half of my life is here and I need to stay but at the same time wanting to go home because it's home. Only this time, instead of my just never really talking to my housemates, this year I have two that I have to be civil towards and cook for one and clean all their general mess because they are buggers. 

I don't blame Fran for going home, honestly, it does make sense but it sucks around here when she's not home. I mean I'll have revision to do and I have work tomorrow and Wednesday, so it's not like I'm home all the time and I do things with her when I'm home but it's nice knowing you have someone to talk to during the day and have company in the evening. I'll have to cook for a housemate because I don't trust her cooking, and I'll have to wash up because I don't trust her washing up. Then I'll have to pretend to want to spend time with her because it's the civil thing to do when in actual fact I don't give two flying pigs about her day. 

I could go home. But home is loud and always full of people and full of mess. Home is my parents' house, I can't control what goes on, I can't control the mess. I mean I can barely control the mess here but at least I know I can do something small and it'd make a slight difference. Not at home, with 6 people running around the house, you're never going to make a difference with a small thing. It'll get undone in a blink of an eye. My home is not the same as her home. I don't know, maybe I will go home. 

It's the fact that I will have to babysit my other housemate without Fran. With Fran, it was more of a partnership, we live together therefore we take turns with the chores, it's our chores with a bit on top. If I was on my own, fine, sure the house will seem eerie but I don't mind cooking for myself and clean after myself because it's my own mess. Afterall, that was my life last year. 

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

Look after number one, that's you

So that's why you're such a self-centred prick. I think you took that advice a little seriously my dear. When people say to look after number one, they don't mean that you should step over everyone and everything that gets in your way. To look after number one is to be aware that you are important and you need to look after yourself but it does not mean that everyone else is just dirt under your shoe. To look after number one is to be caring and kind to others, to be there when people need you, and sometimes it means putting others before you. To look after number one is not allowing people to stand over you when they're are being unjust, not just when you think you're right. There are other people in this world, you need to look after number one not have your head so far up your own ass that you can't even see all your shit that you're drowning in.

[confessionsofabitteroldwoman]

What the hell do you do when you find out your friend's been raped?