confessions-of-a-venting-freak

[confessions-of-a-venting-freak]

[confessions-of-a-venting-freak]

Rambling entry #2

05-03-24

I asked a mutual friend about you today. I knew he wouldn't yell at me like most people. I wanted to know how you were doing. He said you were doing well and strangely enough you asked him the same thing about me recently. I thought you still hated me. He wants us to be friends i told him he could give you my number. I hope you take the offer I'd like to thank you. I'd like to here about how your life is going.

[confessions-of-a-venting-freak]

Rambling entry #1

05-01-24 CW: talk about suicide

I graduate in two weeks. I wasn't supposed to. I was originally going to be in the class of 2025. If you had asked me two years ago what i thought of doing after high school I would've given you some sort of I don't know or maybe this or that. But the truth was I didn't know because I didn't plan on being alive that long. I was supposed to be gone on my sixteenth birthday. I still don't fully know why I didn't go through with it. There were multiple reason as to why I didn't. One being my siblings, another my 3 best friends at the time, but my biggest reason was him. It sounds idiotic. To have your number one reason for staying being one of the most complex relationships that was in your life. He gave me thoughts of a future where I had seen none. He planted thoughts of children, adventure, and so much more. He water the seeds that he planted and it blossomed into hope. He was my escape from my reality. In his arms all of the thoughts that plagued me would fade and it was just him and I. Although we weren't perfect; we didn't have healthy examples of love in our lives. As a result, we hurt each other. We hurt each other many times. I've forgiven your for everything even the things I shouldn't have. I cant hate you or put up a front of hating you. I don't understand why you despise me so much but I could make some guesses. I think of him pretty much daily. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. I never explained just how much he had meant to me. I could never put it in the correct way. The way that would tell him that he was ... I still cant find the right words to describe it. Now we haven't talked in over a year. After I re-cut my hair after promising to grow it out you had gotten so bitter and would lash out at me. Even after I said I re-cut it because it reminded me of you. How was I supposed to cope with a reminder of you that was attached to me? I'm no longer in love with him but I still have love for him. I wonder how hes doing, what hes up to, what he looks like now. If he ever needed help in any way I would still be there for him. I am grateful to have had him in my life. He gave me a second chance even if he didn't know it. He gave me hope and with that hope I somehow got better. Things happened in life that changed my course but there wouldn't have been a course if he hadn't been my tranquility. Now I have worked to graduate a year early squeezing my senior year into my junior year. I'll walk on stage with my sister now. I wouldn't have made this accomplishment if I had left when I planned. I will forever be grateful to him for saving me. I never got closure with the way everything happened and I want to contact you at least once a week. I likely would've by now if I had a way to. No I definitely would have. I want to thank you for it all even the bad because now I can have a future even if it wasn't the one you painted for us.