complicated-human

[complicated-human]

07-26-21

Hi it's me again. I just want to make a promise to myself today. This will be the last time I will allowa myself to be hurt again by someone who doesn't deserve any ounce of my time, respect, and love. This will be the last time I will let any insecurity to eat me inside. I don't want to entertain any self doubt and questions that judge my capability to love and to be loved.

Kung may regrets man ako sa buhay, ito na yon. I should have never entertain and put my guards down. I let him to destroy and hurt me kasi I was so dumb to think that me being with him is possible. Hahaha.

I promise to myself that this will be the last time I wi talk about him and this will be the last time na magsasayang ako ng oras to check on him. I loved him but I should love myself more. Wala naman nang mababago hahaha. Sayang kirot sa puso, sayang oras to feel lonely, sayang oras to feel I was less, sayang oras to blame myself hahahaha.

Masakit oo, pero di na to dapat magtagal pa. Ang dmai ko nang nasayang na oras ayoko na ulit magsayang pa. Ito na yung last time na ioopen ko pa to sa utak ko. Ayoko na. I want to be happy again because I deserved to be happy. Hahahahhaha.

Di na kinaya ng utak ko magenglish. Mas spontaneous pag taglish. Hahahahahah. Bye.

[complicated-human]

07-21-21

Hi my it's me again. Never thought I would write again. It's too painful this time so I badly needed your accompany. I don't know where to start honestly. It hits me everywhere every fucking time. And I don't know how to recover from it. I have so many questions, so many doubts, and what ifs. I just want an answer but I don't have the courage to ask for an answer.

These past few days have been tough for me. I was once again left by someone whom I loved so dearly. I thought everything is fine, that we're both busy with our careers, and we still got the connection despite time constraints. We barely talk and it makes me sad. Until I found out that someone is mentioning his name. I was shocked at first. I took the courage to view the profile and tried to stalk him for a while. Unconsciously, I shed a tear after seeing that they were already lovers. I started to lose focus in my work and I can't barely think. I just want to go home instantly.

Why do people take me for granted? Why do people keeps on leaving me behind? Is it my fault if they can't stay happy with me? What's wrong with me? Is it the karma I deserve for all the wrong doings I did before? How long will I suffer from this kind of love? Questions that keep on flashing to my mind but still unanswered.

I starting to question now my worth, my capacity to love, and be loved. I don't know now what kind of love do I really deserve. I just don't know what to do. I'm still torn between holding on and letting go.

I want to still hold on because I don't want to have regrets in the end. He keeps on giving me vague answers towards questions I kept on asking. I want to let go because I also love myself. I wan to heal and move on from this shit.

Why there are still people who loves hurting people? Why do I keep attracting wrong people in my life that will hurt me in the end. I just want to feel that I am loved, I am worth it, because I am and I am one.

I just want to heal that's all.

-j

[complicated-human]

It took me couple of months to finally make a new account here on tumblr. I previously own one but decided to delete it later on.

I created this account for the ff personal reasons:

(1) I just want to redeem myself back. For some reasons, I have lost my self for a long time right now.

(2) I want to create a new safe haven for me. I felt the urge to do so because I was feeling unsecured with the social media accounts that I have as of the moment. This will help me to cater my untold reflections and thoughts and will definitely flaunts my real self.

(3) I want to reconnect myslef to my old self who knows how to compose his own thoughts and who was able to communicate it through writing.

(4) I want to improve my self in terms of communicating. I have a hard time communicating whether be it in writing or in oral so this is very new to me. This also concerns my vocabulary. Huhu

I have stated these reasons to always remind me why I created this account. So, this is me embracing change and fighting to get my self back. Cheers to new beginnings!

-j