comedicdeficiency-blog

[comedicdeficiency-blog]

Calorie Crap-hole.

I can’t yet write about my injuries/fibromyalgia/health problems because thinking about putting it into words and putting it out to the world makes me want to throw up on my keyboard at this Starbucks on 77th and 1st.

So I thought I’d write about my current struggle resulting from the accident. I gained 20 pounds. Nobody tells you that you’ll gain weight when you break your legs. I guess because the doctors are more concerned with making you walk again, but still. 

 It’s like you can’t walk for a year and then when you can finally get up and move around, boom, you’re fat! Your cute clothes don’t fit anymore and your self-esteem is in the trash with the casts and the crutches.

My accident happened in 2014. This year I decided to lose the weight. For a long time it felt like added punishment. Not only was my life never going to be the same again,  I also had to lose the weight I gained. Weight I gained not because because I gorged out on 50 family size candy bars, but because of something 100% out of my control. I realized that feeling like pre-accident me was more important than needing to be angry about the fact that I even had to do it. Especially since I have never felt more disconnected from pre-accident me (I’m currently questioning every decision I ever made. More on that later).

I started off great, using Fitbit’s calorie counter + food tracker and exercising in the morning on a stationary bike while maintaining my diet of frozen food from Trader Joe's bomb freezer section. It’s bomb. I started losing weight. It also made it easier that I’m not a foodie, I can kind of eat the same food everyday and be fine. I love food but I’m not in love with food.

But I do have an obsessive personality with no real obsession. So I glom onto whatever I decide to be crazy about at that time. I would avoid meals to cut down on calories, forgo foods I wanted to eat, ate a banana and crackers for two meals (that was a banana for breakfast and crackers for lunch, I know its terrible be chill) so I would have “extra” calories for later. By 10pm, I had only eaten 1,178 calories. You need to eat 1200 just to a breathing human person.

After a conversation detailing my dietary habits, I realized what was happening. I was in the midst of developing an eating disorder. I was shocked. I just wanted to lose the weight so badly, I started rationalizing my poor eating habits. I don’t think it was about being thin, it was about getting rid of another reminder of my accident.

I’m still going to try to lose all the weight. I ‘m down 8 pounds so far. I do want to feel like my old new self again. I want to see what it would be like to look in the mirror and see 2014 me with 2017 scars. But I’m not going to devolve into madness again.

Simply because I don’t want one more thing to recover from.

[comedicdeficiency-blog]

I dont know what to write.