comainche

[comainche]

i will fill this out properly later, but i am black. i can use the words written on this blog. however, i will censor it with non black writers or others i don't know so that i do not make anyone uncomfortable.

[comainche]

I am not talking with him in here.

requested by anonymous

[comainche]

[ID: excerpt from ‘Could Have,’  a poem by Wisława Szymborska

“Listen,  how your heart pounds inside me.”]

[comainche]

continued from.  @shaides​.   ████   ❛ 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐬

𝐓𝚮𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝚮𝚨𝐃 𝐒𝐋𝐈𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐃 𝐄𝐅𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐋𝐘 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝚮𝐈𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐏𝐒—a casual expression that he hoped would fade into the noise. but it had not faded, instead it made the silence louder. he swear that he could hear his own heart pounding loudly against his chest like hard knocking on a wooden metal door. his eyes do anything just stare—he averts them as far away as possible to remain distance—despite that he had bared his soul for shades to see, and placed it at his feet. he felt shades staring at him, and he didn’t bother to check if it was through him or not. he already felt embarrassed, he didn’t need the confirmation that his feelings were unreturned.

the bond they had built had never crossed the line until they went to prison together—there things got intimate, and comanche had always felt it. he had always loved him, but in prison he was allowed to express himself in more than just one way. their connection made him realize that he had been lying to himself—he had always loved shades, loved hernan. his best friend before everything else. now he realizes that his confession may have ruined everything. he feels the fear next. it builds up from his stomach and into his chest, like a vine. it wrapped around his heart and he squeezed tightly as if to contain his emotions from overflowing any further.

the silence is broken by shades—the sound of his name sounds foreign on familiar lips. he watched briefly before tearing away his gaze. he swallowed hard—the realization was hitting him like a thousand boulders against his unprepared body. he listened for more, something else to pull him along past this feeling of uncertainty that continued to build as soon as the seed was placed. the silence replaced the sound once more, and no matter how hard comanche tried to find words to break it, they fell silently off his tongue. the confirmation of his own feelings emits out to break the silence. i know. he hears it loud and clear. for a moment it’s all he hears on repeat—over and over again until it screams in his head. his eyes start to fill with tears, and he urges them to stop. his whole body halts and he freezes as if shot by some form of ice. he breathed in deeply and exhaled just as quickly—it doesn’t change the way he feels. in the end he’s unable to reassure that everything is okay—instead he feigned a smile to appear satisfied. though he had trouble masking that feeling within his eyes.

[comainche]

❝ i love you ❞

𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞’𝐬 𝐚 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐢𝐦— the silence lingering between them is louder than one could ever imagine. he feels it immensely ringing in his ears —are his lungs collapsing from the lack of air? how long had it been that long since he took a breath? even though it feels as though all of the air in his lungs had been taken, it was done with a softness… with words that brought him both happiness and sadness and in this moment he has many scenarios playing in his head — yet he can’t bring his mouth to move, he can’t speak so he stares, embarrassed , at this man whom he had shared most of his life with — his best friend, his lover… a man who he seemed to have loved for forever.

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭. his hands get clammy and he can feel himself getting hot. inside is different, i’m different. he tells himself this religiously, the only person he is trying to convince is himself. truth is...he knows it's not true, but he believes that maybe if he says it enough it will be true, it will erase the feelings he has for comanche — 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒏 𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒔…

he stutters when he starts, unlike himself. ❛ c-che… ❨ @comainche ❩ ❜ it comes out as hoarse and like a whisper. he doesn’t know what else to say. 𝒅𝒐𝒆𝒔 𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒊𝒕 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌? he grapples with the fact that this could potentially be a deciding factor in their relationship and how it moves forward… is he ready to move forward, or push him away? he turns his head — thank whatever holy fucking being for these sunglasses… — sunglasses, they always bring back memories of darius.

❛ i know. ❜ he says, in a low, understanding tone, followed by a nod. ❛ i know, darius — me too. ❜ i love you. shit… would that suffice, or had he just ruined what they could have had? he couldn't say it — his tongue wouldn’t let those words fall… 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚 𝐜𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝.

accepting random questions.

[comainche]

I used to think that’s what love was: Knowing someone so well he was like a part of you.

Lauren Oliver  (via quotemadness)

[comainche]

shaides​.   ████   ❛ 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐬

he keeps his emotions under lock and key as he looks upon his best friend — this is their normal, much different to how it was once before… things were different inside… he kept reminding himself whenever those feelings would rise up and catch his words in his throat — things outside are different, we’re different… it was desperate, and his internalized hatred he held for himself that he refused to let seep into his outer appearance and behavior. he clears his throat and gives a smug smirk.❛ how shocked were you to see lucas show up at seagate again?  you know i was part of the reason his ass got sent back, right? ❜    ❨ @comainche​ ❩ 

𝚮𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐄𝐒 𝐈𝐓—𝐈𝐓’𝐒 𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐅, 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝚮𝐄 𝐖𝚨𝐒 𝚨𝐋𝐖𝚨𝐘𝐒 𝐖𝚨𝐓𝐂𝚮𝐈𝐍𝐆. emotions fought for dominance on his face, he felt it. the distance had only made the feelings inside him grow stronger. but he got out under the veil of something wrong—forced to be a snitch with nothing to say worth saying—so he said all he knew. just like clockwork he’s back at it. he washed away his emotions, same as him and flashed a smile on his face—a short laugh emitted at the thought of ‘carl lucas’ forced back at seagate, 

❝ you serious?… shit, wasn’t expecting to see his black ass anytime soon—things was different, you know? ❞ he swallowed hard, built up his facade and rolled his shoulders back, ❝ rackham wasn’t runnin' shit—and considerin’ how that nigga escaped prison—man… he was treated gently—instead of being locked up somewhere else. ❞ comanche shook his head and sighed, ❝ didn’t know you were apart of that—how’d you get him sent back? ❞

[comainche]

Darius looking at Hernan

requested by @theodette

[comainche]

Rivals? We ain’t got none.