colorfulwerewolfphilosopher

[colorfulwerewolfphilosopher]

The sun is shining confidently and the sky is filled with insubstantial pink clouds, it is a beautiful day. I am sitting in the front seat of my Station Wagon, glancing at the sunset thinking nothing could ruin this perfect evening ride. I relax my legs and turn up the radio, “We don’t talk anymore”  by Charlie Puth plays. My mind pauses for a quick second and visuals of you instantaneously appear.

The last time I saw him, Kayden, my best friend, was the day he left California for Korea. It would be the last time we would see each other.  By the end of that day I was terribly upset, but what was more unsettling was the permanent feeling of a lost friendship. The friendship felt like the build up of fireworks, a glittery shower up in the night sky full of sparks to abruptly nothing at all. How can something so good just end like that? It was not a Peter Parker and Harry Osbron situation, no fights, arguments or disagreements. Distance and new priorities, that’s all it took to take away the unbreakable bond we had. It shouldn’t but it happens.  

We got along really well but we were a contrasting pair. He was all big, tall and muscular, the center of attention in high school. He looked like someone who avidly picks up heavy objects, puts them down just to do it again a trillion times for the fun of it. All eyes were on him, and he got along with pretty much everyone. Meanwhile, I was short, lean and on the quieter side. We were on opposite ends of the spectrum, but somehow it worked.

We met during biology class and got paired up together by our teacher. I still remember our first interaction, I didn’t see it going anywhere yet it was the start of something great. “Hey Chris!” he said. “I guess we are lab partners for the year, that’s exciting.” “Yeah”, I quickly replied. For a few classes it was all just hellos and goodbyes. It was clear from the interaction that it was just us being civil with each other, until one class.

“Hey Chris, we should do the assignment at my house!” he yelled across the class. “Okay, yeah sure, that works. Where do you live?” I replied. “Oh yeah,I’ll text you my address”, he said.

He lived a few blocks away from my aunt’s place. His house had large arched windows with light gracing through all, photographs of children gazing through the walls, floors with a homely blend of sweet-toffee brown. It screamed perfect and a house full of love.

“Welcome, Welcome, Welcome!” he said. “Wow”, I gasped and looked around. “Your house is sick! And OMG wait is that the new REM station?” “Yeah, OMG don’t tell me you play that too” he screamed. “Yes!, yes I do! Wow.. I really can’t believe someone like you would play a nerdy game like this.” I said. “Are you kidding, I’ve been dying to meet someone who plays this too” he replied. Just like that we got along like two peas in a pod. We spent hours just talking, chatting, arguing about different ideologies, family life, and the future. It was crazy how we instantly clicked, for a moment two boys with complete differences seemed to share the same blood. I absolutely loved the instant and intimate connection we had that I did not expect.

[colorfulwerewolfphilosopher]

Part 2 of the story starts here! Listen to this audio while reading the first paragraph of part 2  #thelasttimeisawyou

[colorfulwerewolfphilosopher]

Few months passed, and it’s senior year. We are no longer lab partners but we are still extremely close. We would always hang out with each other after school at his or my place, we were each other’s go to for anything. At points when the weight of my day is too much inside me, not like a tangled up charger but like a ticking bomb and I need to release it somewhere safe, I know where to go. If I had to vent, he knows what’s coming. He let’s me know what he thinks, what sort of worries and self-doubt prompted my concerns. I always felt safe, our friendship was like the delicate colors of nature, soft browns of wood and the lilac sky, an earthiness that endures a lifetime.

“Chris, buddy I gotta tell you something later. Like usual, 5pm at my place?” he said across the locker hallway as he rushed to his next class.  

“Yeah, for sure,” I replied. Something was off and I didn’t know what.

It was a beautiful evening, the air smelled like the greenery born of the trees,I continued to walk in his neighbourhood at a slow pace. The sunset blooms red and gold as if it could speak of love and the pond was calm. It was an amazing walk but nothing prepared me for the heart wrenching scene I am about to witness. It got noisier and unsettling, I could see a huge van parked in front of his house. 

“Chris!!!!” he shouted as he carried boxes to the van. 

“Hey… Uh..  are your parents going on a trip?” I replied with confusion.

“Yeah.. about that, that’s what I wanted to tell you today, buddy, I know this is coming out of nowhere, but it was all of a sudden too and I didn’t know until a few days ago. I am moving to Korea.” he said. 

My heart stopped for a while and I frantically replied, “ Wait, what, when, what!?”

“Yeah, like tomorrow morning. It’s all of a sudden, but my dad just got a promotion and it requires an immediate transfer to the office in Korea.” he said slowly. 

“So this is your last night?” I said.

“Yeah”, he answered. 

My soul felt wafer thin and my heart broke. It was just so sudden and I couldn’t take it all in. But I set that aside as I realized this was the last night, the last time I would see him in a while. You never know or think that the last time is the last time, you would always assume there is more, you think you have forever but you don’t. 

“Alright buddy, I’ll see you… when I see you.” he said trying not to cry. 

I hugged him, “ You take care buddy, don’t forget me, keep calling me when you are there.” I said. 

“Of Course bud.” he replied.

[colorfulwerewolfphilosopher]

Listen to this audio while reading part 3 of the story! #thelasttimeisawhim

[colorfulwerewolfphilosopher]

Those were the last words I heard from him. The entire night we were playing games and talking about life. I didn’t want the day to stop but, the stars filled the sky like snowflakes at night. It was midnight and it was time for me to go home. We hugged tightly one last time and waved goodbye at the front porch as I walked home. I saw him standing there all buffed and jacked up but he wasn’t himself, I could tell this was hard for him too. That was the last image I saw of him.

It’s been two years now and I never got that call. Just like that song on the radio, we literally don’t talk anymore. We still text but it never goes past “How are you?” and “I am good!”. I can’t gather my mind to see how our friendship can be tainted by distance. I can’t help to think and question if that bond we shared meant nothing to him. I find myself sometimes dwelling over old memories we had, it gives me the feeling of warmth and safety I could not find anywhere else. Everyone says that we can let go of pain as it lives in our past but the void between our friendship will always be painful as I will always keep the door open, experience all the chilly and freezing wind, hoping for change.    

I had to learn how to enjoy my life without him, reading essays and blogs helped me with this. It made me understand that these things happen all the time, it can come out of nowhere. It feels like an uppercut to the ribs but sometimes, all you have to do is just let go.

He cannot be replaced, I have yet to find a connection, bond, and brother that is replaceable. What stings is what exactly caused the downfall is forever unknown and the shock of the sudden end to the friendship is indescribable. For the first few months I felt as if there was a force pressing down on me, it was hard. However, I am no longer trapped in my feelings of confusion, anger, or sadness anymore.

Now as I close my eyes, the force that was once pressing me slowly morphs into a carnation, slowly moving and then completely gone, poof, vanished to nothing at all. That’s when I know I am finally letting go and moving on with my life without him. Finally.