coldlittleturtle-blog

[coldlittleturtle-blog]

silent scream.

“mega enjoy kan di binus” 

“kalo mega hepi ibu ikut hepi” 

“im happier, ms. thats what matter” 

“gue lebih hepi”

“wahhh mega seneng gue dengernya” 

“sekarang mega jadi lebih ringan, gak lagi mega berat kebanyakan pikiran” 

“yes i dont know the old mega but i approve this new mega” 

everything that helps u sleep at night, babe. 

dan banyak lagi pesen ‘im okay’ without really knowing the truth of this devil 

i never really understand whats happening with me, thats all. i said im recovering, i read that the worse is really the middle of recovering. how you will think how good everything is, until the sudden fall. 

[coldlittleturtle-blog]

mic drop.

“no need to see each other ever again, this is my last goodbye mothing more left to say, don’t even apologize”

i am done with feeling pity for myself. cause thats all ive been doing. cause i dont know what else to called for this never-ending stories. so here it is, the last rant. cause i am not gonna waste my emotion for u, there’s no more anger, no more hatred. goodbye. 

u know about u cant really relay on people. so u basically putting ur guards up and just keep ur circle tight cause u just people dissapointed u 

despite what ive been saying, that, i like this major- it cant help but have it perks.

like i know, having bad btch on groupwork one of the factors- but im saying perhaps this because of me, once again. this is because of my shitty self which need a lot of work.

i have been quite a mess since forever. my grades quite nice, i can say i worked my ass off for every score i got. despite that, still, im quite a problematic student. i skipped class. i went in and out to 'guru bp' or student advisory just to rant my thoughts and how it bothers me. 

the depression i got when i was on economic major and bravely quit, is one last straw. all i knew back then was i cant go on, this has to stop. and im sorry, but perhaps quitting this major and start a new life on would probably the best idea. well, maybe it was.

ive never felt the relapsing and recovery as real as those 9months.  i went off dancing. my emotional eating was at its highest. i become a master at numbing the pain. i cry every now and then, i cant sleep. i told my mom i went off watching kdramas when in real life- i just distract my brain from thinking stuff.  and not able to sleep soundly cause the terryfing dreams i'd face if i close my eyes.

im pratically high. i 'open' at any possible genre, even kpop. i always said kpop is just a bunch of beautiful boys that looks like girl. and they dont even use alphabet. but there i was, watching running man and fell in love with bigbang. loser got me. and then all the hype song they had which i can dance with.

i fought my battles alone. cause i had no one to go to. other than those suicidal preventions site and tumblr posts.

i found out talking to those student advisory when i was in school is a bullshit and just coverin my attendance which was mess cause i often skip class. fact is, everytime i 'ended up' skip class (aka skip school) i was already arrived- my nerves just got really bad and i cant bear myself getting out the car and go to school. why am i feeling this- cause i just done the same bullshit today. i texted my student advisory asked her for a private session. it'll be on monday, but yeah- i thought everybody goin thru the same shit why would i be important. 

so i asked her again to 'can i just share it here, no need to come directly to u' and she said she's on a rehearsal (shes a drama club supervisor too) and i went no, its okay it doesnt have to be now.  and now i dont know what to answer again or just 'not saying anything and just let it slide to monday'

the point is. i realized i have spent years talking to the same 'advisory' they are no help. theyre just there-

so i see this as a 'im not going back there again, imma fight this my own- imma share it to this little circle i have and NOT some strangers with titles'

bts saved me. those stupid tumblr posts saved me. and i found out i get help from those things- and not some strangers. after bangtan i met u. i opened up my wars. my wounds are wide open now, and i feel everybody know the real me. the shit ive been going thru.

i realized now.. i dont need to be moping around tellin my stories to people who dont even care.  but i can inspire those who can appriciate, and be a good person for them. a good friend, cause they know my worse, and they're worthy my gold. 

all im saying is that, i am done with all this. yes, i am likely to be having those days, but i will go through it simply. i am gonna work my best on school, i am done pitying myself but i will still know my worth. 

i am done telling the stories. but i am also done numbing the pain. i am going to embrace those shitty feelings cause thats what it means to be a human. and for my past- i forgive you. i will not talk about you anymore, now i am just grateful that because of you, i can be this person right now. 

i am still going to make a post about it, later on. but just know, that everything i will write in the future- will be just fine. 

this is my story. and i am gonna be just fine.