coffeeorbust913

[coffeeorbust913]

I roll into sophomore year barely being able to zip my pants let alone throw a ball. I'm still depressed because I can play ball, I've put on some weight, I'm still a virgin, and I'm still questioning my sexuality. Nobody knows all the things I'm going through. Baseball guys basically avoid me. I have my girl friends from freshmen year and a few new friends but there's this total sense of awkwardness because I'm petrified that they will sense that I'm attracted to men of that I give it away. Basically the first month of sophomore year is a drag. Until I meet this girl! Her name is Laura. This sweet little Mexican girl with big beautiful eyes. She was mutual friends with my friend Sara and a new friend, Kelly. I was love struck.

I couldn't believe it. This little Notre Dame football fan from Texas came all the way across the country to my school. I was totally into her and she knew it. I flirted and texted her daily. I would daydream in class about her. She even invited my agnostic butt to Church and to a family function. One night right before Christmas I openly confessed that I was into her. She told me she was into another guy. A guy who she had her great love story with eventually. I was devastated. I was either friend zoned or sought after by girls I wasn't attracted to! I was getting fed up! Not only was I dealing with this but my shoulder wasn't healing like it was supposed to.

Exams were over and I headed home for winter break. I spent a lot of my break hanging with family and friends. One of my best friends, Devin, who was basically family had become my confidant and drinking buddy. Occasionally her sister, Lucy, and her brother, Darren, would be there too. Sometimes it was a house party or sometimes I would pay the under 21 cover at the local college night club and rinse my stamp off so I could drink. Alcohol was a way for me to let go and cope.

I frequently found myself hung over on the weekends. My small group of friends at school noticed. Baseball season was a little less active but I started noticing more guys. I was so angry at the fact that I couldn't land a girl. Someone I could take home to my mom and dad. I lost faith. I lost faith in love and I lost faith in myself as a student and athlete. I wasn't healing right and I was the only player not to make a single appearance. Life wasn't going as expected and I was having a hard time.

[coffeeorbust913]

So I get to college...I'm this supposed college athlete with a bum shoulder, never had sex, whose only friends are family or live forever away from him. Still not sure what to make of my sexuality. I ride into college scared to death because I'm moving into a dorm, albeit only an hour away but still. I quickly felt like I belonged as I was befriended by my roommate and a couple guys down the hall. They were cool but I was totally uncomfortable around them. I was afraid that any scent of gayness they could smell like chum in shark infested waters. Within the first month of school they stopped inviting me to play video games and parties. There it was again. What did I say or do to make these guys feel some way about me? Girls on the other hand seemed to get along with me better which is odd because most of my friends growing up were male. I got really close with one girl, Sara (not actual name). We hung out daily. She was this this softball hottie. Long dark hair, pretty smile and bubbly personality. Unsurprisingly one of the only straight girls on the team. She was a blast to be around.

Rumors began to fly. People thought we were fucking. While she was hot there was no sexual attraction for either of us, but I didn't mind the attention because I wasn't being questioned as "gay" or "queer". Within a few months of school starting I had opportunities to hook up but never went for it. This was mainly because I was convinced I wasn't losing my virginity to a total stranger. One drunk cheerleader called other people's phones looking for me. She was going around the dorm shouting my legal name because she wanted me to "spend the night with her" and she claimed I had promised to fuck her. "OH, HELL NO!" I honestly never did so but it was a running joke for a while amongst some baseball, football, and basketball players on my floor. I was harassed daily and she wouldn't make eye contact with me for a while. Again, attention I didn't mind because a girl wanted me but this was a big girl. Pretty but not my type. Also, she reminded me of Shawna Easton from "Love and Basketball". Big ass titties but was throwing herself at me. I didn't want to lose it that way. Some desperate, horny cheerleader who I wasn't remotely attracted to? No way! I'm sure the sex would have been fine but I was inexperienced and scared to death, too!

The Sara rumors picked up again but I began telling people nothing was going on because she was getting harassed. I felt like such a piece of shit. This girl was becoming one of my best friends. Winter swings around and at this point there aren't many teammates (I forgot to mention I was on the baseball team) I speak to at this point. School is going great and I befriend a few people in my dorm. Most of them are girls, and not athletes. One is Sara's roommate Chelsea, a southern girl with some bite to her. We eventually wore that down! Another is Jamie and her posse. Fun story about Jamie...her and I shared a bottle of VERY Cheap vodka at a party one night... straight from the bottle...wasn't a great next day! Anyway...my best friend's (Steve from high school) birthday was in November. This girl who had been hanging around was very flirty with me. She was another cheerleader with big boobs, blond, but a little smaller than the other girl. Sara, Chelsea, and this girl (Kendra) went to his birthday with me. He and Sara had a thing for each other. So we are at this party and this girl is following me around. Nice girl but I'm annoyed. We're drunk and somehow I end up in the bathroom with Sara. We weren't doing anything but laughing about how she made out with my friend and he walked out with a raging boner. This Kendra girl was FUMING because she liked me and I was in the bathroom making tons of noise and falling on the walls with another girl. I didn't care! I had to tell the girl I wasn't into her. I was basically an asshole at this point. Angry high school me was coming out again. I could feel it.

Around this same time was volleyball season and I always had a thing for volleyball girls. I always thought they had the best legs. God! A few of them were absolutely gorgeous! One of them being someone who would eventually become one of our posse. I stared so hard at one girls butt my baseball coach caught me staring. SO embarrassing but also funny. This was great! No male attractions! I was convinced that maybe it was a faze or just a guy crush.

Through winter of freshmen year I basically became a homebody. Baseball season was picking up at the end of January. I was excited! First week of practice rolls around and I'm not the most out of shape player but I had ruined my shoulder and had been rehabbing it for a while. It wasn't going well. Throw on top of nearly an overload of classes with zero sex life and I have this pent up frustration. I'm in and out of doctors and eventually have to have an MRI. Come to find out I tore my labrum in my shoulder! FanFUCKINGtastic! I had to miss my first college baseball season. Baseball was my outlet! It was my way to decompress and made me happy! I end up in a sling and pillow for 6 weeks. Talk about rough. Most my professors were pretty cool about extending deadlines except one. Our personalities clashed and I let her have it because I could barely type and she wanted me to do an entire presentation when I could barely move. On top of being frustrated with her I couldn't complete some daily tasks like zipping my pants and putting socks on. Chelsea had to come help me in the mornings get me ready for class. This poor girl had to help me zip up my pants. That's the closest any girl had been to my penis honestly and I wasn't the least bit bothered. I was so depressed by now. I felt like an infant learning things over. I could hardly get off when I masturbated even. You try rubbing one out with the opposite hand with a pillow in the way while being stressed and depressed! It doesn't go very well! Spring semester ends with me barely out of my sling, I'm still rehabbing over summer, and I'm still a fucking virgin who can't figure out his own sexuality! I was a damn mess. Mentally, I was broken! I needed help...

[coffeeorbust913]

Okay continuing on with who and what I was attracted to. Up to this point I had only felt that tingly romantic kind of love with one person. She was sweet and pretty and athletic. When she broke up with me I was crushed! I had a HUGE crush on Jessica Simpson! Why this one person them? Why him?

Again, all through school I didn't find myself attracted to any other person. As I got older I swear people could see right through my fear and hard exterior. My junior and senior year in high school I became more angry. Not with others but with myself. I hated the way I was feeling but I also hated the way I was acting. I was always a happy kid. I had always been stubborn and opinionated but I was turning into a JERK! The people I was closest to were turned off by me and had a difficult time being around me. I could sense it. One of my best friends growing up basically stopped talking to me unless he had to or if we were in a big group. I got confirmation when his mom approached me about it. Part of our falling out was finding different interests but I take most of the blame. The only other person who was there for me isn't in this world anymore but that's something for another time.

As high school was wrapping up I decided to focus on school and sports. I went to junior prom with a girl that I always was attracted to since we were little. She was a little latina with a sweet demeanor. Very pretty. I even kissed her after prom. I thought maybe I could date this girl. Then I got into my own head. I was SOOOO confused!

I never did anything about it. I just went through the motions and avoided any contact with other people. The only parties I attended were with my friend Andy (again, not his real name) or with my friends who were basically my family. This secret was eating me alive and staying away was the best way I could control it. People asked me why I didn't date. People asked me if I was gay. My own family was starting to question my sexuality. I had people who tried to hook up with me, which I almost did with a couple girls. On a funny side note, my mom was a cock block one night. Mind you I'm a virgin. A 6 foot, semi-fit, ginger with pale aqua marine eyes. I would like to believe I was an attractive guy but I had this dark cloud hanging over my head and I couldn't shake it. No umbrella would save me for the storm of pent up feelings that were about to be released!

[coffeeorbust913]

Okay...let's go back to my discovery. When I first really recognized my attraction to men I was about 15 years old. I was a three sport athlete and in honors classes but never really fit in with one group of people. I played soccer, basketball, and baseball. I had a couple good friends through junior high and high school. A classmate once told me I fit into several different groups but never ever did I feel like I belonged. I never fit into one box. I wasn't a popular kid. I was an athlete but never the top player. I didn't dress like the preppy kids, I wasn't into my feelings, I had bad luck with most girls, and I was insecure about myself. I didn't have a good physique, I was made fun of for my strawberry hair and freckles, and I had this soft voice. The locker room always made me feel uncomfortable. People would be walking around nude and here I was insecure about myself. I had an identity issue. Throw on top of the fact that I'm discovering that I'm into dudes and you have a whole mess of a person. My first guy crush...

There was a guy who was an athlete named Parker (not his real name) who I was attracted to. He was dark haired, well-mannered, great physique, golden brown skin, and KILLER smile! He was sweet and genuine and I realized I was crushing on him. Thank goodness he wasn't on any of the teams I played on. I literally hated myself for feeling this way. Honestly, that may be the only guy I was attracted to in school. I had some celebrity crushes but never a classmate. He and I had English class together. I would catch myself staring occasionally. When the semester ended, my teenage self was relieved I didn't have any more classes with him.

I hated myself totally at this point. My looks, my behaviors, my lack of true friends, and now I figure out I'M GAY? What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel so ashamed? What would my family think? How do I keep this a secret? My head was spinning. I change in the same locker room with other guys. I don't look at anyone. I more keep to myself. I'm more afraid of someone seeing me than I am wanting to see them. Am I really into guys or was this just a one time thing? Why did I feel some type of way about this one person but not the others?

To be continued...

#lgbt

[coffeeorbust913]

So this is my first blog post that I'm doing because I want to and not because I'm forced to (I had this strange college professor who thought it was a good idea to blog about the shitty books she made us read). Here is why I decided to finally start blogging. I am a homoflexible man (I heard heteroflexible flexible before so I'm claiming homoflexible). Basically, I'm attracted to men but the occasional female or trans person will catch my eye. Back in Spring 2018 I went and seen the Love, Simon film with my then fiance. We both loved the movie but I, for some reason, had such a strong connection to it compared to him. I was drawn in. I honestly didn't know it was a book adaptation. Okay enough babbling. I recently dove into the Simonverse. Recently, I read "Simon" in 6 days followed by "Leah on the Offbeat" in 4 days and "Love, Creekwood" in a few hours. I'm currently reading the "Upside to Unrequited". I'M OBSESSED! I don't know what it is about the books and movie that have me so moved. Maybe it's that I relate to the characters? Maybe I feel for the characters who come out? I didn't get the great coming out story or support I thought I would get. So, maybe I'm envious/jealous of Simon and Bram? Even maybe Leah and Abby? I don't know what the real answer is but it has inspired me to share MY stories and life! This isn't about attention. I don't want that necessarily. This is just for me to share thoughts and stories and feelings. I've had this itch to get things out in the open because I sometimes struggle saying what I want to say. If people want to follow my journey that's awesome! If not that's cool too but this is for ME! If you do follow my blog I hope you enjoy it and maybe my story can help you!

Love, Coffee