cluelesskilljoy - Tumblr blog

[cluelesskilljoy]

Yeah I love manipulating my friends for my own gain, the gain is called "hanging out", obtained via such cruel tactics as "showing interest in stuff they like" and "being generally complimentary and charming"

[cluelesskilljoy]

What if we smoke a joint and film a sextape?

[cluelesskilljoy]

please watch this two second clip from santa clarita diet

[cluelesskilljoy]

it's always "you need to quit using the demon blade that is corrupting your soul and encouraging you to shed oceans of blood in its name cold turkey, you need to stop right now" and never "let's discuss some harm reduction techniques that will help you to form a more positive, safer relationship with the demon blade"

[cluelesskilljoy]

Wait that’s fucking weird lol

[cluelesskilljoy]

Rejection. It’s all I’ve ever faced my life. From lovers, from family, from friends, from opportunities to success. I kept going. Kept thinking maybe it just wasn’t right. But I’ve reached that threshold where my fragile heart can’t take it anymore. Each time I get rejected now, it’s like some squeezing my heart and shattering it into uncountable pieces. It makes me feel small, worthless. Like every cell of me was created to be hated. To be looked at with resentment and disgust. Who could love you, my brain says. Look at you, you sorry being. So peculiar. So unlovable but so desperate for love. Wish I’d realize the only solution is to be alone. It’ll be lonely, it’ll hurt but I promise you it won’t burn like when you are rejected. If only I could kill that tiny ray of hope and give up. It would save my life.

[cluelesskilljoy]

[cluelesskilljoy]

Does anyone else feel lonesome?

Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.

Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.

Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.

Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.

[cluelesskilljoy]

Does anyone else feel lonesome?

Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.

Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.

Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.

Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.

[cluelesskilljoy]

[cluelesskilljoy]

nobody talks about the fact that you can have all this crazy shit in your head, and want to open up and talk about your feelings but no matter what, you just can't make out the right words and properly put your thoughts and emotions into words

[cluelesskilljoy]

[cluelesskilljoy]

[cluelesskilljoy]

need a polite way to say "im not engaging in a discussion on this topic with you because the conclusions you have reached are based on so many interwoven layers of misconceptions it would be easier to just like, hard reset your whole brain, just start over as a baby and try again"

[cluelesskilljoy]

I had a dream that a bunch of people were making jokes about how the economy was so bad that gay people couldn't afford closets and were just "in the corner"

[cluelesskilljoy]

[cluelesskilljoy]