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Survival Guide to Japan: Don't Say That!

Survival Guide to Japan: Don't Say That! Before you head to Japan, have you considered how you're going to catch a train? Ask for directions? What will you do when faced with the language barrier? Don't expect Japan to be 'English friendly'

  Reading time: 3 minutes

Before you head to Japan, have you considered how you’re going to catch a train? Ask for directions? Barter with a sexbot? What will you do when faced with the language barrier? Don’t expect Japan to be ‘English friendly’, the level of spoken English is generally very low/nonexistent and typically most, if not all signs and information, will be in Japanese only. No ones…

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Survival Guide to Japan: Don't Wear That!

Before you head to Japan, have you stopped to think about what to pack in your stupidly big suitcase? Read here so you can learn how to be 'sartorially' prepared!

  Reading time: 3 minutes

Before you head to Japan, have you stopped to think about what to pack in your stupidly big suitcase? Japan or ‘Nippon’ (日​本), meaning, ‘sun-origin’ may very well be a land of the rising sun, but that doesn’t mean you’ll find Japanese people dressed like the cliche ‘western tourist abroad’; yes, it’s a thing, so much so that I wouldn’t be shocked to find it in a fancy…

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Survival Guide to Japan: Don't Do That!

Don't do this if you're going to Japan!

  Reading time: 4 minutes

It is perfectly understandable to be anxious about what would seem a long list of’ do’s and don’ts’ when visiting Japan, after all, it’s essential to follow the expectations of Japanese society in order to keep harmony and avoid the ‘disapproving stare’, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Below, you’ll find my quick read ‘Survival Guide to Japan: Don’t Do That!’whic…

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Q&A with Matthew Tye aka C-Milk.

Exclusive Interview with YouTube star Laowhy86, aka C-Milk.

” People are always going to label that advice controversial “

  Reading time: 10 minutes

YouTube in China is an unlikely source of quality ‘vlog-bank material’ considering the Google platform is banned in China, but despite this, those that make it through the barrier seem to ‘make it’ well.

Matthew Tye or ‘C-Milk’, known also by his YouTube name of ‘Laowhy86’, is an American born China-based…

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The Creepiest Restaurant in Japan.

The Creepiest Restaurant in Japan.

Reading Time:

It was midday and the fact I was feeling heavily sluggish from both the anarchy of thousands of busybodies filling the streets and the feverous moist heat of Japan, I decided then would have been as good a time as any to find a place to eat, of course, preferably in shade. After squeezing my shapeshifting body through the mass throng which seemed to gather at every step I took, my…

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What is Japan really?

Do you like Japan? Think you know what it's about? You're probably very wrong. Read here to learn what Japan really is.

  Reading time: 4 minutes

Contrary to popular belief, Japan as a whole is not a country that is comparable to a scene from your favourite neo-cyberpunk film, whereby there is a juxtaposed combination of ‘lowlife and high-tech’, in fact, it is quite the opposite. In this quick read article, you’ll learn what life outside of the main cities of Japan is really like. Subscribe herefor more upcoming…

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Being A Freak In Asia.

What it feels like to be a FREAK in Asia.

  Reading time: 5 minutes

On a summer’s Sunday in Japan, I had visited my local supermarket to pick up my weeks food shopping, dressed casually in a t-shirt and jeans, my few tattoos stood visible and witness to what was about to be my first experience of being a freak in Japan. This article is about being a ‘foreigner’ or ‘alien’ in Japan and China and how your treatment between the two…

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  Reading time: 3 minutes

McDonald’s is a travellers ‘safety food’, no matter where you go in the world you’ll always see a ‘Maccas’, and when you’re clutching at your stomach in hunger you’ll forever find comfort in reading a menu you can recognize, well, mostly. Whether it’s two in the afternoon and you’re finding your connecting flight or two in the morning and you’re finding your way home after a night out in Tokyo, “cheeseburger” is universally understood. This quick-read article will offer an insight into McDonald’s in both China and in Japan and highlight the key differences, so, whether you’re heading to either destination or simply want to learn something very odd, read below with, ‘China’s McDonald’s VS Japan’s Mcdonald’s’.

McDonald’s in China.

“extremely obese, mobility-scooter-owners-arse”

Ronald and gang first opened in China in the 90’s where the largest ever McDonald’s was established, consisting of over 700 seats, today, the brand in China has a newly registered business name, ‘Golden Arches’. So, does this new name bring with it a sense of luxury? Not so much. The name change itself is met with mockery within China as it comes across as, ‘peasant-like’ and ‘lowbrow’ when translated into Chinese, this, unfortunately, does match the interior.

Establishment. When entering the fast food establishment in China today, you will notice that the vast majority of seats will be occupied, but strangely, not by customers. Commonly, many Chinese people go there to use the free Wi-Fi (somewhat excusable), and some go there to sleep (not excusable). As you scan the restaurant for a table, you will see a meadow of black hair resting on tables, as people snore and dribble away. Of course, being a customer, you would expect the staff to grant you a seat by right, by shooing away pesky freeloaders, but they don’t, they will not help you at all.

Holding a food tray in my hand, I had once approached a non-customer who was sleeping and had tried asking him to move, but playing the ‘pretending to not hear you because I’m asleep’ game, I lost my patience and kicked his chair, to which he said, “so rude! I’m sleeping!” So, don’t be surprised when you stand with a food tray in your hand, looking like a fu*king idiot as you shovel slop down your throat, drying your tears with your fat greasy fingers, weeping because there ‘ain’t’ nothing you can do!

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Food. What about the food? If you’re ordering from the basic menu, expect the quality to be low, oily and generally awful, especially the rice (oh god the rice is bad), however, order from the premium menu and you’ll find yourself sitting happy as the staff wait on you with food that is sufficiently better. Like America, portion sizes are extreme, but at the other end of the scale, meaning burgers are the size of fists (Happy McFisting).

Delivery. Have you ever wondered why McDonald’s don’t deliver to your door? Well, actually they do, in China simply download the app and have whatever and whichever ordered straight to your door, just expect it to be somewhat similar in shape and consistency to that of an extremely obese, mobility-scooter-owners-arse, in other words… a pancake with tissue stuck to it.

Survival Guide For China.

McDonald’s in Japan.

“like gobbling a gay Treebeard or… chewing on Jigglypuff”. 

I know, I know, “Eat McDonald’s in Japan?”, but you have to try it, Japanese McDonald’s is like Dr Dre Beats, “hear the music as the artist intended”, but instead, “taste the food as Ronald intended”.

Establishment. Being in a Japanese McDonald’s is like being in one of their T.V advertisements, everyone really is having a good time, but just typically Japanese, quietly and respectfully; people are having lunch meetings (quietly), families congregate (quietly), teens sit on phones and chat (quietly) and elderly people sit alone drinking coffee (that’s universal). Staff greet you all at once despite being in the midst of flipping a burger or three and always wait patiently for you to pretend you can read Japanese before you decide, “fu*k it, that black burger thing“.

Food. The first time I tried McDonald’s in Japan I was surprised, not mouth-wide-open surprised because that would be weird, but surprised… inside. Everything tastes fresh ‘n’ hot, not like in Britain where everything’s a bit sloppy, warm and moist, like a teens tissue behind a radiator. The food is cooked fresh and actually looks like the pictures, and the menu consists of novelty items such as chocolate chips/fries, black-squid-ink burgers and a matcha tea and azuki beans McFlurry. The only downside that I can expose is the standard desserts; they’re either boring and age-old in origin like the classic Oreo flavour, or ‘Sakura flower’ flavoured ice-cream, which is exactly like gobbling a gay Treebeard or… chewing on Jigglypuff. 

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Verdict. This isn’t about McDonald’s as an establishment, because I’m certainly not paid for that, rather, this is about the differences between McDonald’s in Japan and in China. I understand that if you’re going to Japan or China for a short visit you’d rather try the local cuisine and that’s fine, that’s understandable, but if you’re thinking of living in Asia for the foreseeable future, then don’t be ashamed of yourself for wanting a burger, no one will judge you when you’re sat stuffing your face with a patty and gherkins… rice can’t always make you happy, but a ‘Happy Meal’ can.

5 Things I Hate About Living In Japan.

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Do you eat McDonald's? Then read this! Reading time: 3 minutes McDonald's is a travellers ‘safety food’, no matter where you go in the world you’ll always see a 'Maccas', and when you're clutching at your stomach in hunger you'll forever find comfort in reading a menu you can recognize, well, mostly.

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Survival Guide For China.

Reading time: 7 minutes. This is a survival guide for ensuring you don't just survive China, but thrive in China.

  Reading time: 7 minutes

If you’re for whatever reason heading to China or, like so many expats, are in fact a teacher newly there, acting as fresh fodder for agents to tear apart and schools to order in (refer to image), you’ll be needing the Clueless in Asia guide on top tips for surviving as an expat in China. Why? Because despite what you think, you’re probably not as ready as you’d like…

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5 Things I Don't Like About Japan.

5 Things I Don’t Like About Japan.

  Reading time: 7 minutes 

“What’s this? A ranger caught off his guard?” Maybe Arwen, maybe, because I could very well be walking blindly into a mass online impalement from all the overseas ‘weeaboo’s’/wannabe Japanese’ out there, and I do mean overseas as in not in Japan. “Then why write an article about things you don’t like in Japan?” Because firstly, there are things about living in Japan,…

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China VS Taiwan.

Taiwan VS China. An honest and easy to read review explaining the main difference between to two.

Reading time: 4 minutes 

Since October 1st, 1949, China and Taiwan have both claimed to be the one and only legitimate China. During the civil war, the communist party, led by extremist-born-peasant and later identified as the world’s greatest mass murderer, Mao Zedong, forced the already-ruling government to flee to Taiwan, whereby they took two million refugees with them; thus creating division…

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Japanese Food For Shy People.

Reading time: Japanese Food For Shy People.

  Reading time: 10 minutes

So, you’re in Japan and loving life thus far, you’re dazzled by the pulsating neon signs of Tokyo as they submit you into seizure and you’re gawking at all the quirkiness and eccentricities of Japanese nightlife. You’ve heard so much about Japanese food and you  probably feel as if you should try it all, but, maybe you’re not feeling brave enough to try the ‘weird’…

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The Great Firewall of China.

Reading time: 5 minutes. Did you hear about why China has banned the new Winnie the Pooh movie? What about Peppe Pig?

  Reading Time: 6 minutes

In light of recent events whereby the Chinese authorities have banished the apparent and supposed inappropriate Winnie the Pooh and his new movie from China, I felt it necessary to put on a tie and type a report that sheds mere shards of sense on all this strangeness and explore what censorship really is in China… and what it is Chinese censorship actually censors; find…

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  Reading time: 5 minutes

Whilst I’m away seeing if I can control tensions between the warring fractions of Taiwan and China, I’m going to leave you with a light-read-review. I’m with you in spirit.

Hokkaido is the northernmost main island of Japan, it’s known for its volcanoes, natural hot springs and ski areas, but why am I talking about it today?

Well, apart from the winters waist-deep snow and picturesque settings, there’s the famous Hokkaido zoo; yeah, that’s truly terrific obviously, I mean, who doesn’t love a zoo, if you didn’t, isn’t that like, treason or summin? Come on, what’s not to love about walking with penguins and seeing a polar bear pace up and down because he’s stressed the fu*k out?

I love a good zoo, not because I want to see animals trapped in small boxes stuffed full of tacky foliage comparable to a hampsters cage, but because I like animals; I like that they don’t lie to me or try to scam me or… talk to me even, they’re good like that, their way of life seems simplistic, uncomplicated and without vanity, like a Japanese minimalistic furniture store.

So, why did I go there, you may ask, well, the truth is, I like snow, I like Japan, and I wanted to have a go on a snowmobile, like a big fu*king kid, giddy and giggling, clapping my hands together as I chase a squirrel around a tree.

So, without further ado, here are my Top 5 things I like about Hokkaido.

5. Setting.

I spent a few days tucked away in the capital of Hokkaido, Sapporo city, which has somewhat of an urbanised ’30 Days of Night’esque’ vibe to it…well if it’s snowing… and if there wasn’t a great big fu*k-off-mall there.

If you aren’t familiar with the film, ’30 days of night’, it’s set in Alaska, somewhat barren and overwhelmingly white from snow, and there are loads of vampires that talk in a funny, breathy language; I suppose it’s not really that similar then, though, Japanese people are quite pale and they do talk in a… (steady now).

That’s not really a good comparison, is it? Let me try again.

Sapporo, it’s nothing like ’30 Days of Night’… (Yeah, I haven’t got much to say about this hence why it’s fifth).

4. Things to do.

If you’re a camera neck-strap wielding tourist, snapping pictures of literally everything, from lampposts to drainage covers because you think it’s cool and unique, then you’ll be jumping for joy at all the touristy traps Hokkaido have laid for you, literally (figuratively) waiting to snap you by the ankle and charge you a fortune.

Now I don’t know whether or not I’ve presented this before, but I get irritated by most things, but surprisingly Hokkaido seemed to suppress that inside of me with its large maps of neverending activities, gosh so many activities. As mentioned previously, you’ve got the Zoo, you’ve got the malls, skiing, Onsens, parks, temples, mountains, and most amazingly, drift ice sightseeing.

If you’re not interested in drift ice sightseeing then you’re probably a murderer or a racist, but for the rest of us normals let me expand on that a little further. If you’re unsure of what drift ice sightseeing is, then allow me to decrypt the activities name… you see the sight of ice drifting.  

If you want to smash into ice and fear for your life at the zero risk of death, then you need to be in Hokkaido between January and March. If you’re a murderer but feel upset by being left out, then you can join the drift ice tour, sit back, close your eyes and pretend that the sound of ice smashing is someone’s head crunching under your hateful and probably small feet.

3. Food.

It’s Japan, so, I mean, everything is amazing, truly, I cannot stress this enough. You know when you watch Gordon Ramsey slap up a banging meal and those failing restaurateurs shovel in a mouthful (not of Gordon), and go “oh wow, that’s amazing!”, Yeah? Well, I always wanted to experience that, but I never did until I lived in Japan.

Now, don’t tell me that you’ve experienced that, because you haven’t, that’s bullshit straight away and I’m not having it, popping down to the pub and having a ‘two for $10’ will never qualify for the standards of ‘tastebud-nectar’, nor will going to a ‘fancy’ restaurant, because you know what, in the west, food just does not compare to the east… well, Japan anyway.

In Japan, everything, and I mean everything is fresh, not ‘fresh frozen’ (whatever that is) nor microwaved, it is all fresh, scrumptious, and to die for; even McDonald’s in Japan is at another level.

Now, I usually whine about not having a proper Christmas dinner since living in Asia, but for the first time I didn’t, nope, I was actually in Hokkaido last Christmas and enjoyed one of Japans many barbecue restaurants. If I remember rightly, to complement the food and make it more festive, I think I just shuffled my beef around my plate and shaped it all together with my hands and turned it into a turkey… the oil held it all together. 

I forgot to mention, Hokkaido is also famous for its beer.

2. Asahiyama Zoo.

Alright, it’s small, so don’t expect, ‘Neverland’ after my hype, but its diversity of animals was impressive. Once you’ve skipped past all the sh*t, like, a frog, and a shite bird and other stuff that you can find in your garden, you get to the heroin of animals, like wolves, polar bears and penguins.

As the entire Asahiyama zoo and surrounding areas were covered in a vast and immensely deep blanket of snow, the individual habitats almost blended into one large snowy savannah, creating a sense of wilderness and free-roaming animals, which I loved because it meant that I could pretend I was in the ‘Poles’ (I wasn’t going to fall into the trap of which pole has what animal).

The highlight here is the ability to be able to walk with Penguins and I really do mean walk side by side with them, albeit there is a red line drawn across the snow to ensure you don’t molest the waddling birds, but there’s nothing more than that separating you from them.

Why does it deserve not only a place on my list but second in position? Well, that may stem from the time that I dedicated to getting to the zoo, (over three hours), so I feel as if I need it to not be a waste of my time.

1. Because It’s Japan.

Japan, is just Japan no matter where you go, its consistency of high standards and courteously perfected manners are flawless. Okay, Tokyo isn’t really ‘Japan’ in my opinion, as it’s more of a cultural cyberpunk circus of western themes, anime, clubs and lap dances.

Outside of Tokyo though, people are without a doubt, the most kind, patient and gentle that I have ever experienced, and you know that if I’m saying that, it must mean something, considering that I myself hold manners in the highest of regards and find flaws in almost everything (or as the Chinese call me, “picky“).

The Japanese people blow me away with their consistent consideration, patience, and soft faces, especially the middle-aged women, whom I wish wholeheartedly that just one of them was my mother (seriously, I’m not picky, any one of them will do).

If you’re a ‘Weeaboo’ or a ‘Japanophile’ (I know a few), who has never actually been to Japan, yet devote your entire life believing that you yourself are Japanese because you watch anime, then Hokkaido may not be the ‘Japan’ you know. It is, however, as Japanese as sushi or temples, in the sense that it is traditional and an ‘everyday Japan’.

As my time in Hokkaido came to end, my mood was dampened for just a second, before I reminded myself that I live in Japan anyway, so I wasn’t going to miss a thing (you cheeky bastard, Lee).

Am I here to encourage you to piss-off to Hokkaido? Nah, I’m not, I’m here to tell you what I think about it, and whether or not you want to go has fu*k all to do with me.

See below for more images of Hokkaido I took whilst out and about. 

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Reading Time: 5 minutes. A review of Hokkaido...but not a helpful one, Reading time: 5 minutes Whilst I'm away seeing if I can control tensions between the warring fractions of Taiwan and China, I'm going to leave you with a light-read-review.

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  Reading time: 3 minutes

You know what a capsule is, right? And you know what a hotel is? Now imagine I have both of them in my hand���POW!

Capsule Hotel.

Thank you, Vladimir. At least someone appreciates me.

Now then, let us begin this bite-sized article that’ll get you clued up on what’s been going on in Japan because let’s face it, it’s depressing reading about oil-fueled wars and preventable disease day in day out.

The first Capsule Hotel, or ‘Pod Hotel’ was developed in Osaka, Japan, in 1979 and then the rest of the world copied and did it worse sometime after 2012 (typical). They are essentially like cupboard spaces that are stacked on top one another fitted with a mattress and TV and are intended to provide cheap accommodation in a cramped city where there isn’t enough room to perform a judo chop… or something else that represents no space.

Obviously, if I’m talking about it today, that means I’ve ‘done it’, ‘done it’ referring to ‘stayed overnight’, not slept overnight, no, I didn’t sleep and why I didn’t sleep will be revealed shortly in this bite-sized article about Japan’s Capsule Hotels.

It was 10 pm and after borrowing down alleys swollen with flashing neon signs, overhead-low-hanging wires and bars that can only seat five drunken businessmen at a time, I had found the tall and rather slim ‘Capsule Hotel’.

As I approached the hotel I was knocked into by a dumpy looking western tourist as he walked blindly backwards taking selfies, he was suffering the heat with his red face, static hair and beach clothes on and offered no apology. I pushed him aside, entered the hotel and took to removing my shoes… I didn’t run back out and hit him with them, instead, it is customary in Japan to remove them.

I took to checking in where I was greeted by another non-japanese, this time though he was an employee, one who insisted that he needed to shout English at me because apparently, I didn’t understand it. After giving us a list of instructions like I was about to go go-karting or some other activity that requires an explanation, myself and my wife, accompanied by her mother and auntie parted ways to find our tombs for the night.

In these hotels, male and female are separated, a good thing too considering that in Japan they actually need ‘female carriages’ on trains because some bloody pervert keeps wan*ing on women during the rush hour, which is technically a biological attack (true story).

Before you can enter the Matrix-type-space, you need to put all your luggage and belongings in a locker located outside of your cell cupboard pod.

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As you can see, the isle is narrow with a capsule in stacks of two: top bunk and bottom bunk, for me, I had to have a top bunk as it felt less claustrophobic. The ‘pod’ itself is roughly 180Lx90Wx100H in centimetres and to enter the ‘pod’ you simply lift a blind, yeah, that’s the door; I was expecting a shutter of sorts, but instead, the only thing stopping you from having your feet tickled by a mental case is a blackout blind.

Welcome to my crib, let me show you around. Done.

Throughout the entire night, I was kept up by non-Japanese tourists coming back from piss ups, people shouting to one another with, “which is your locker?!” and men having a gossip right outside my pod at 1 am. They had a total disregard for people sleeping, and considering I had to be up around 4 am the following morning, I wasn’t particularly aroused happy.

What I found most awakening (no pun intended) was the contrast in cultures; in Japan, there is a certain way of doing things, a strictness, a thoughtfulness, a consideration to all peoples and most of all, politeness. These qualities are attractive, and for me, not only are they welcomed but also embraced. It is so easy to get used to this and forget how in most cases, this is typical of Japan and not necessarily of other cultures. This then, explains why some Japanese people don’t like foreign tourists…and to be honest, I can see why.

When in Tokyo, you become exposed again to multiple cultures because of Tokyo’s tourist attractions and you’re quickly reminded of how unthoughtful, how inconsiderate and how unpolite other cultures can be and in truth, I am utterly embarrassed that the Japanese may judge me based on the actions of other foreigners.

Staying in a Capsule Hotel is like closing your eyes in a men’s changing room, someone’s rustling their clothes every five seconds, someone’s messing about with their duffle bag, men keep clearing their clogged throats, sniffing, snoring and the odd occasional groan from the guy tugging himself off (another true story).

When you wake the washing facilities in this particular hotel were located on the ground floor and were refreshingly pleasant and clean, and because I was up early I had the pleasure of avoiding the mouth-breathers whom I was glad I’d never see again. There seemed to be at least a hundred million showers, so there’s no danger of queuing up in the morning.

The capsule is a chamber of man sounds, that’s all it is, so if you can’t sleep through that, don’t bother. If however you’re drawn to the element of ‘no doors or locks’ around complete strangers drunk in the night, then you’ll fit right in (because you’re probably the kind of person who keeps everyone else up). If you’re a female, then according to my wife it was quieter in the ladies pods, but then again, she grew up in China, so… doesn’t really mean anything.

A night in the debauchery chamber will costs you around £30.

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Reading time: 3 minutes Have you heard about Japans' Capsule Hotels? Want to see inside? Read this and take note. Reading time: 3 minutes You know what a capsule is, right? And you know what a hotel is?

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Mt. Fuji And The Stupidity Of Dreams.

Ever wondered what climbing Mt Fuji is like? Well, stop wondering. I'll tell you all right here and you may be a little surprised.

  Reading time: 10 minutes

As a boy, I was completely enamoured with mountains and trees, my fascinations were not limited to just these by any means, I liked GayboysGameboys, Pogs and kissing Barbies as much as the next kid, but mountains and trees, for me, were shrouded in a smoky mystery, lived a vast history and had a complexity that I felt I only saw; I didn’t see them for their gargantuan…

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17. No, But Seriously.

Is living abroad worth it?

Clueless in Asia is, and has been fun, it’s allowed me to express views that under normal scenarios would be met with offence and outcries for my arrest, but for some reason, when you add a pinch of humour and write it in a ‘blog’, s’all good; maybe that’s more of a reflection on you than it is me. Or, maybe you’re like me and you think, “has it all gone a bit far?”

I like to think of this space…