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maybe we both came into each others lives at a weird time. ive been told that i shouldnt use your mental health as an excuse as to why any of this hurt happened but i think we’re both really delicate people especially you. you sort of had a crush on someone else when i first looked at you and thought that you were cute. that was alright. then i kissed you at that party and you didnt want me to and that was fine. i was really fucking upset but like, i remember i got drunk and apologised to you about it.
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i do this weird thing of really liking someone and it feels way more when i want them and cant have them and i know that it loses it when i actually do have them. i dont know what that says about me as a person. my last relationship i think i really liked them a whole lot but also when we were together i never wanted to kiss or stuff like that. its not that i wasnt attracted to them, i think maybe i was just happier to not do that stuff. i guess its different for everyone you meet how you feel about them and shit like that. all i know is that i loved them and was attracted to them but it was more cool that we were just best friends first. i think maybe that i liked the relationship bc it was long distance and so there werent the expectations that came with a face to face relationship and i probably have problems with romantic relationships bc i havent experienced a face to face one properly. plus it was started when i was a teenager and i think you put a lot of weight onto stuff when youre a teenager that doesnt even really mean as much as you think it does.
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i think that i have a real problem with relationships with men. i like guys the most but also theyre really a bit scary and they dont know how someones brain like me actually works and it just ruins things. the reason ive dated girls and non cis guys is because theres just this understanding between people like that. i dont think it has anything to do with the fact i grew up with an abusive dad bc i only really registered that he was abusive to other people when i was basically an adult so idk how far into my brain that got. but i dont entirely trust guys and i feel like im not something that bad even find attractive. im kind of weird and i know that im not conventionally attractive and i look kinda funky sometimes. im just sort of an outside of the box of what people think is feminine and masculine and maybe thats a bit intimidating to guys? i dont know honestly. boys have liked me before but i think they were very special guys.
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