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I was going to add that maybe a job would help 😭 something that takes up my whole day instead of having all this time to think LMAO

But honestly I think it's an issue with me and fandom culture and the idea of followings. Maybe I do need to lean into original pieces, or away from online spaces. Not sure!

maybe i just need to join a server or something lol

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OR i just need to like... actually be the one to reach out to people for once. But I don't read much fanfic these days, and I made one friend by being the first to comment and have felt like an imposter ever since, so...

maybe i just need to join a server or something lol

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maybe i just need to join a server or something lol

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A part of me is feeling very spitefully protective over my fic rn, mostly just glaring at the 4 bookmarks in my statistics and how none of them left a kudos :( I know it's not good to get fussy over numbers, but it's pretty sad to feel like people are hanging on to my fic or interested and not giving like... any indication at all that they enjoyed what I put out so far. Maybe they're just waiting for it to be finished to read, which is fair, but an ugly thing in my chest makes me want to withhold it if that's the case.

At the end of the day I wrote the fic for myself so it's not like I care about getting famous or whatever, but the reason I share my writing is for community: to reach out in the fandom and ask Hey—is there anyone else out there? Anyone else who likes this sort of thing, understands what I'm trying to say? It's depressing to get crickets.

Maybe it's too early to tell so I won't whine too much, but it is pretty disheartening to look at my statistics and compare 2018 to 2024. People were way more liberal with offering kudos and comments. Maybe it was just because the fandom was at its peak and I was writing in a more popular niche. I just want some more fandom friends, or anyone at all who's interested in getting grittier with the details of what we're making :(

For my recent op gen fic... I got feedback pretty immediately, so maybe it has to do more with what sort of niche I fall into. I think the x reader side of the internet as a whole on ao3 is pretty conservative with interacting with authors, so I'm curious how my mermaid fic will land since it's for a ship. I don't want to let the way people engage with my stuff (or rather, don't engage) dictate what I make, but it does make me wonder if maybe I should redirect this energy away from writing for fandom as a whole. I'm feeling some inspiration to do this original piece forming in my brain, so maybe I'll follow it and see where it leads me. Not sure.

There is a part of me that is also working on letting go entirely. There's like 4 people excited to read my fic and see how it pans out, and tbh that is enough for me. Maybe I should lean into that more. I've thought about not tagging my work anymore and just letting sit in its empty corner of the internet—I guess deliberately trying to keep my work lowkey. And I like that attitude a lot. I think the reason I struggle to internalize that is because writing is so personal, and so important to me. So when I see that people are reading or taking note of it... I want to know what they think, y'know?

Maybe it's an issue of coming to terms with learning to completely drop my expectations around any audience and just take any sort of love as gracious extras I didn't expect. Unfortunately it's easier for me to just lose my interest in writing altogether, which I need to make a conscious effort of NOT doing as I try to achieve lower expectations.

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i don't even know anymore

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Wait it's crazy how awesome it feels to unfollow and block people and not see them on ur dash anymore

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Insane how literally one person being nice to me will make me see my writing in entirely new light LOL now I'm like yippee!! I'm a genius!!!!!!

got all sappy about my writing a few days ago when the first draft finally reached completion and now i'm back to crashing out and hating my work because i'm in the editing phase and i literally cant see a single redeemable quality in what i've made

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this pisses me off like wdym "how"??? not clicking this article because it's probably not gonna mention 1. the wildly gross loss of cultural identity thailand has suffered to appeal to foreigners now that it's economy is entirely dependent on tourism, 2. the bait of thailand's image of a lawless land where you can have your joints rolled for you and where you can do anything you want with zero consequences, and ofc 3. that a giant appeal is STILL fucking sex tourism. sex tourism of GIRLS, girls that old white men can have access to, that fulfill their gross ideals of submissive asian pleasure banks. hello??? did the atlanta shooting in 2021 really not make you think about this at all?? no??????

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got all sappy about my writing a few days ago when the first draft finally reached completion and now i'm back to crashing out and hating my work because i'm in the editing phase and i literally cant see a single redeemable quality in what i've made

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i don't understand this website and how everyone goes "make your own post instead of adding your bad take on mine" when it's literally just a political disagreement or a counterpoint worth considering but then at the same time i constantly see posts like "you HAVE to engage perfectly morally beautifully eloquently with people on the opposite side so you can embrace diversity and learn how to morally police people more effectively and sit in your righteous little bubble so you can do nothing of actual value" anyways

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Got one (1) pimple and then sifted through ao3 to find bnha x reader pegging fics yeah I think I'll be getting my period soon.

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people listening to Tyler's new album and interpreting his songs about polyamory and feeling more fulfilled by music than his relationships as isolation/loneliness rather than him being confident and secure in himself and BY himself... LMAO allos will once again never be able to fathom life without a romantic or sexual partnership while still being satisfied sorryyyyy you need someone else to feel complete and to give you purpose. tysm Tyler Darling, I is my new aroace anthem

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the way people act like the world is ending when fictional media doesn't end the way you want ... 😩 like y'all write FANFIC, the actual perfect place to brainstorm the ending you want, or to continue the story where the original author left it. bruh. it is NOT that deep, they are fake people in a fake world.

and then people will literally shit on authors for not ending the story how you want... go write your own if you hate it that much 😭 why can't you just be grateful for what people have given you???? why do you care more about the characters than the real person writing them??

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mood tonight is laying face down with this on repeat while i cry about my writing

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NO IT DOESN"T IT MEANS NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGG

Reminder to self: "I feel so seen" is the response to many of the things I write, whether it's stories or letters or even crap jokes. My writing means something. Always.

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a sad but true reminder for whenever i go to write or edit or reread my work: i am unfortunately NOT leo tolstoy :(

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thinking about the proship arguments and the timeless question of writing for aged up minor characters... which at the end of the day i don't really care to be bothered by and everyone has the free will to do whatever they want, but... makes me curious about what people's takes are on things like colonizer romances 🥸