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i feel annoying but the only way to check if i’m not annoying is to annoy my friends by asking if i’m annoying. oh life

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The way elon musk has chosen to publicly berate and abuse his transgender daughter has, somewhat ironically, proven to me that he is not a man. How can he claim that the “woke mind virus” has “killed her” while simultaneously acknowledging that she was previously suicidal due to her gender dysphoria before receiving gender affirming care. What a piece of shit. Vivian is so brave.

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Today was bad. It didn’t start that way, work was actually nice. Somehow the nice days always feel worse though. They’re so out of place. My apartment is filled with flies. It’s the peak of summer and I don’t have AC, and i don’t have the energy to clean all the food waste. I can’t remember the last time I took my trash out. There’s no groceries in my fridge, all i have is expired chocolate milk and some ramen. I gambled away 175 dollars today, more than i spend on groceries in a month. I can’t really bring myself to buy food anymore. It doesn’t feel worth it. I just eat it, and it goes away, and in right back where i started. Atleast gambling brings me joy sometimes, food just feels like a chore. I didn’t have any joy today though. I felt so stupid after. I know better. Im supposed to be saving money, im reapplying to college and my laptop is still broken. I need to get it fixed or maybe even replaced. It just stopped working one day, it wasn’t even my fault. I wish it had been my fault so I had someone to blame. The application deadline for school is in two hours. I don’t have any of my shit together, i need to mail back to my high school for my transcript. Maybe it’s not a good look to already be asking for extensions on assignments lol. My dad is going to ask why i missed this application deadline, and the only honest answer is that I didn’t try hard enough. I’m sorry dad, you didn’t raise a winner. It’s not your fault im broken.

I haven’t smoked weed in five days. Its felt like so much longer, but i got one of those apps that counts how long ive been free from it, and yeah. Five. Fucking nothing. I smoked every day for five years. How can i be proud of five days without it. Plus im vaping again, whatever. It’s not that serious. Maybe my problems arent so bad. Maybe a dude who smokes weed and vapes and gambles all day is a cool dude. I don’t feel fucking cool. I feel like im drowning. Life feels so paper thin

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When I was in the mental hospital, there was this poor girl who would stay up all night yelling prayers. She was loud and she wouldn’t stop, just went on about jesus and how he was fonna save her, but it felt… angry somehow. Her name was Deja, apparently because she always repeated these prayers. Other patients told me it was because her father used to beat her while yelling them. I don’t know how they knew that. She was kepr away from everyone else. Only way they could have known was if the nurses were gossiping with patients, and i have no doubt they were. I remember they would let us hit their vapes. They weren’t real nurses, im sure they were just underpaid workers just put there to supervise us. Its never sat with me right. It’s supposed to be a place to help kids dealing with suicidal thoughts. All they did was switch my meds around every day, further jumbling my teenage hormones. I fell asleep to the awful screaming of this girl, and i would have panic attacks in my bed and then pretend to be asleep when the nurses would check on me. All that place ever taught me was that talking about the bad thoughts only ever makes things worse. It taught me to be silent. It taught me if I ever tried again, i better not fuck it up. Some of the kindest people I ever met were my friends in there. I remember you shaley, emmet, and madison. Thanks yall for helping me get through that. Im sorry we don’t keep up anymore. I hope your lives are so wonderful :)

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Diary 2 or 3 idk

I dont think i’ve ever successfully explained my faith to anybody. Maybe because i don’t understand it myself. I have beliefs. I believe in god, but not *a* god. I see god every day, i think it exists between us. There is god between atoms. God is the relationship everything in our world holds with each other, the deep interconnectedness that brings us together. We exhale and the trees inhale. Death is just as sacred as life in god. “Everything eats and is eaten, time is fed.” The world throbs with neverending life, nothing ever leaves and nothing is ever created. It’s an inhale and an exhale. It’s push and pull. There is an invisible web we exist on, with rules and logic and love and care. That is where i see god. At the most wonderful moments in my life I have felt it. God and nature are synonymous. All life is equal. That is what i believe. Maybe it’s a form of nihilism. Nothing in life really matters because we are caught in the tides of it all. Maybe it’s buddhism, everything is meaningful because we are all pieces of god. Maybe its my own thing and i made it up. Anyways join my cult we meet on Saturdays because most church ruins a perfectly good Sunday

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I think it’s less about the painting and more about the way the artist holds the paintbrush

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Being known definitely scares me. It’s kind of paradoxical. I think i am a bad person, but I won’t let anyone get close enough to my heart to confirm the suspicion. And I will never be proven wrong, because anyone who tells me otherwise doesn’t really “know me,” whatever that means. Im not sure if it’s truly possible to know another person. Maybe it’s stupid to try.

I think installing the concepts of heaven and hell in our children is harmful. It’s been harmful to me. I don’t even believe in it on a rational level. And i suppose i do want people to have some sense of responsibility in their actions, and maybe the threat of hell ensures that. Or the promise of heaven. But I wish i did not carry this guilt or this fear with me. It does not feel like god. This is not what god is supposed to feel like. I have felt god in my life, but in brief moments. He is not with me now

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The thing about Cottagecore is that is a fetishized aesthetic of country life, divorced from labor and idealized by a primarily urban audience with a backward looking ethos of tradition. They are not prepared for the stresses of a rural life: farming; harvesting; tapping pumpkins to ensure none of them have been replaced with flesh; losing out on income by having to use one of your pigs in a blood sacrifice to paint protective sigils over your doors and windows; checking cracks and chimneys for the flesh-vines of the Pumpkin Lord; having to decide, before the Growth is complete, whether that's really your tradwife or an amassment of vines, leaves, and blood in the shape of your tradwife; ignoring their desperate pleas that "I'm me! No! No!" as you burn them alive, realizing too late you picked wrong; and the exploitative corporate nature of commercial farming in 2024. All seen through a deeply colonial lens, of course

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i like tumblr. this is fun. i feel like im writing a message, sealing it in a bottle, and throwing it into the ocean. Hopefully nobody ever sees it, i can write whatever I want. If someone does see it, they were really meant to. Yknow?

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diary 1

tw, self harm, sexual abuse

When i was younger someone broke up with me, the reason they gave was that I was manipulative. At the time this made me really angry and confused, I really didn’t understand. I hadn’t intentionally manipulated them. To me manipulation drew the image in my mind of a puppetmaster pulling strings, and i was no all-knowing controller. Only after years of contemplation and self introspection did I understand what they meant. I had been manipulative, without realizing. I wasn’t treating them with respect. I hadn’t intended to hurt or control them, but my actions had. I’m sorry. Im even more sorry for how I reacted. Thank you for teaching me the most important lesson of my life. Im sorry your pain became my wisdom. It really isn’t fair

But behavior has to be learned somewhere. An earlier relationship in my life had to teach me the pain i unknowingly passed on to you only two years later. I was 14 and she was 20. I’m 20 years old now, and I cannot imagine doing what you did to me. How could you watch me hurt myself? How could you threaten to hurt yourself if I didn’t do what you wanted me to? Why were you my sex education? You’re twisted and perverted, and you taught me that was normal. That’s how relationships were supposed to be. That’s what “adults” do. And the worst part is that I couldn’t tell anyone. To this day, your name gets caught in my throat. I hope you learned something from me.

But behavior has to be learned somewhere. I believe you were telling the truth about your mother. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I know you’re a victim too. I remember crying with you. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m sorry.

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There’s a single dead pixel on the screen of my phone. I have no idea how long it’s been there, for all i know it’s been since I got this phone. It’s so tiny I can’t imagine anyone would notice it in casual passing, but i’ve seen it and now i’m going to notice it every time i look at my phone. It’s a single weed in a grand garden, beknownst only to the gardener who spends all his days staring at the plants. There’s over 3.5 million pixels on this screen, but only one that I can distinguish from the others. It made itself known by being so broken it couldn’t be ignored. It’s punk as hell.

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I can’t keep living like I’m watching clouds through the window