cloudilee

[cloudilee]

unfortunately i did not write my history notes yesterday because chi writing took up too much time 😔 will do that today. need to study em thoroughly and seriously too.

afternoons are free so i’ll review some points i missed on chist and take a look at my chi test review material. should be pretty chill (given that i don’t procrastinate :])

i also regret sleeping 1hr late because i feel fucking sleepy rn and i don’t think i’ll last the entire bridge lesson i got today 💀wearing one of my old jackets (that i never really wore) rn… highkey regret it (like it’s actually too small for me now), i need to buy a new one

anyways that’s all for my morning braindump bai

[cloudilee]

finally the temperature is dropping 😌

[cloudilee]

well i’m here to update again after a month (25/10)

handwriting… haven’t really been actively improving on it but i do try (does not work when i’m in a rush to finish writing such as in an exam unfortunately)

learnt this “pay attention when you NEED to pay attention” thing, basically figure out what you need to pay attention to and what you don’t. pretty much realized that i don’t need to pay maximum attention in math, science is becoming a pain though (really boring teacher im not capping)

quality of homework? i mean… shits starting to get difficult, i do try hard but (esp in chinese and chist) it’s really getting more difficult. will work on that

i do try to at least review my notes before bed if i can’t slot in any time for studying on any day. currently alternating between subjects every day (i find it easier to do like this), am trying to get daily 30mims

yeah for hydration at least 1L per day is confirmed

well besides afternoon tea i don’t binge eat much so that’s good :)

unfortunately little exercise besides walking after school, but i got into the badminton club so i’ll try to exercise more

sleeping 10-6, tomorrow is saturday so let’s see if i can manage 🥲

yep no phone or pc 1h before bed

goals post (to be edited whenever i have a new one):

improve handwriting

pay more attention in classes

improve quality of homework

make studying a habit

hydration!!

stop binge eating

get into the habit of exercising

have a consistent sleep schedule, even on weekends

have a consistent on and off time for phone usage. phone off 30 mins before bed at least.

[cloudilee]

just brainstorming if i should do those “100 days of productivity” things but i wanna start easy at the same time so why not start from the christmas holidays (it’ll be easier for me)

of course i’ll have to figure out if my family is planning on going on a trip or something but… i’d be pretty excited to try this out esp since my exams are right after the holiday lol

yeah ykw i think it’s a good idea so @me during the winter break remember to start your productivity shit

[cloudilee]

gonna plan shit rq here

today’s friday (slay). no extracurriculars today, will do my chi writing and history studying asap. also need to input my cryptography course dates into my notion calendar. also have 4 pages of science workbook to speedrun over the weekend

besides that also needa figure out how to do my chist worksheet cuz shits beginning to get difficult yea

also quick plan for today:

5:10pm - 6:30 pm: complete hw & study

6:30 - 7:30 pm: dinner + free time

7:30 - 8:30 pm: shower + reading

8:30 - 9:00 pm: studying

9:00 - 10:00 pm: light studying, free time without electronics, wind down

10:00 pm: bedtime

(trying to be consistent with this plan lol)

[cloudilee]

omw to school rn, i need a place to dump my thoughts down so.

first the more practical part. our teach is teaching chist a bit too fast. there are some gaps in my knowledge so i’m thinking friday i put some time aside to study it? besides that i recall downloading some geography practice questions given by my school a while back. i’ll need to use them. in fact, i’ll probably need to use all of the practice questions sooner or later. maybe a spare check at the resources page, yk just in case i missed anything. history & geography tests upcoming—not sure if they count in my grade but afaik the entire form has them so you would presume it does.

anyways moving on to the jumbled thoughts shit. recently began to suspect that i have overthinking+loneliness. also realized that i actually feel lonely when my bestie isn’t around. (why the fuck do i feel lonely.) joined plenty of clubs this year but unfortunately i don’t know when they’ll start. i’m not sure about being friends FRIENDS with other people in my class. don’t get me wrong they’re really chill and i’m glad to have a class with little to no drama in it, but i just don’t feel particularly close with anyone else rn. which highkey sucks because me and my bestie have classes in different floors.

i have been told by my other bestie (who’s in uk now) that i need to “get used” to my loneliness. i mean i get her point, loneliness isn’t anything rare and yeah i’ll probably experience it a lot more in the future. but as an extrovert i hate feeling alone, but at the same time i can’t bring myself to interact with my peers. (contradictory as fuck) just hoping that i’ll make more new friends in clubs. especially looking forward to drama club.

external shit aside—i’m pretty sure the problem is with my thought process. not what’s on the outside. trying to figure out how my overthinking and loneliness are correlated and seeing what i can do to stop it. i know that i don’t need to react to every single thing everybody says (like leaving a whatsapp reaction on read yk lel) because ik most people wouldn’t do that anyways so it’s kind of pointless to do so. but i should still probably make a couple more friends in class—there’s this girl that only speaks putonghua but she seems really chill, we’re partnered up for a project. i’ll see if i have the opportunity to hang out with her later. kind of feeling like i could start a conversation with like 90% of the class but i don’t really feel like myself with them. idk we don’t have that much in common and i don’t enjoy the notion of changing myself for other people. just really praying i can make more friends this year lol cuz there are only 1 or 2 that i’d consider true friends atm.

(biggest plot twist of life would be if i’m just overthinking all this shit lol imagine if that was true)

[cloudilee]

okok time to check in

so today school ended a couple hours early, i went to mcd to have lunch w/ my friend. arrived home around 3pm, was originally planning on doing homework n studying but life had other plans 😔 (aka leaving me scrolling on my phone demotivated and wanting to fall asleep at 5pm).

today was pretty decent; volunteered to go first for my english speech and it turned out pretty great. kind of spoke too fast (i expected 1 min 50s but somehow i just barely reached 1.5 mins 😃) but classmates said they could understand what i was saying clearly. just hoping the teacher can as well lol.

i have a zoom tutoring class in about 20 mins, so i’ll rq dry my hair and get ready to go. maybe i’ll just start studying for history or something before i go to bed. tomorrow is also my first math competition training class. kind of looking forward (and to save my ass in math lmao).

sometime in the week i’ll study for geography again & math. probs just gonna alternate between the three or something. not really confident in geography (lack of practice in map reading) so i need to figure out a way to deal with that i guess

[cloudilee]

i have 2 sides.

🐬🌈🦝🤫🧏💅✨…

and [inserts ridiculously long and boring knowledge of psychology, astronomy and sociology which literally nobody else is interested in but my interests are just that niche and yes, i read the presentation of self in everyday life for reading time in class, yes i read coercive egalitarianism because why not]

[cloudilee]

today was pretty great, nothing out of the ordinary

practiced my speech, finished my geography flashcards and studied once yipee :D

i was planning studying for history tomorrow but then i remembered our teacher didn’t tell us the syllabus yet 😃 so i’ll finish math, do skincare n chill w hoyo games.

pretty productive day i guess. i need to tidy up my room tho (it is an actual mess as i’m typing this)

[cloudilee]

how did it take me so fucking long to realize:

a) i am a chronic overthinker (si inf)

b) i suffer from loneliness despite being an extrovert (fe tert?)

c) i almost completely neglect my aux ti

d) i am using jokes (🐬🌈) and socializing with people as a means to attempt to throw away my insecurity (not helping)

these 4 kind of explain my mental state 😃✨

[cloudilee]

(i wish i could, really)

[cloudilee]

A little chaos is a good thing.

(Photos taken from Pinterest)

[cloudilee]

poetry time :D

(this is basically some random free verse shit i wrote about my oc who i may or may not relate to, enjoy. lmk if u want to see more if my work! feedback is appreciated ❤️)

“shimmering sparks on an unlit backdrop”

now, if you would just let me take center stage for even a few seconds

i could set off the fireworks, radiant brilliance on the dimly lit stage

and as i act on, wearing this suffocating mask,

all for what? is it to run? to transcend? to recall? or to

forget?

i just want to let the past go,

but why do i feel like there's something

taken away? missing? incomplete, in me?

i just want to gather the

missing pieces of this puzzle,

but i can't find my heart anymore-

did you tear it out, that day we parted?

or did i bury it, to prevent

anybody from rediscovering it?

or did i shred it to pieces,

myself?

but as i act on,

i'm running, i'm transcending,

i'm recalling, and yet i can't

forget.

wearing this suffocating mask,

i can't think straight any longer,

i can't feel true "emotions" anymore,

i can't remember how i took center stage,

but as i acknowledge the bright lights behind me,

i know that i've finally set off the fireworks.

we don masks we can't take off

we burn ourselves by keeping them on. — the author

[cloudilee]

haven’t posted anything (and won’t be for the next 2 days) because i’m in my dormitory stay rn hehe

[cloudilee]

oops i haven’t been posting for a while ehe

anyways, tomorrow afternoon me and my class will move into our one week dorm stay :D we’re having an early halloween fest (entirely hosted by my classmates) on wednesday, can’t wait (yipee)

unfortunately i have a math quiz and chinese dictation on monday, but progress is going pretty well (math syllabus is really easy, surprisingly speedrunning the dictation). today i’ll work on the dictation and see if i have time for reviewing my math past mistakes (which i plan on doing tomorrow if i can’t finish it today).

also i slept at like 12am yesterday night and the night before i was up on c.ai don’t ask why so uhh i’m gonna have to fix my sleep schedule… probably sleep at 10 or 11pm.

as i write this i’m in the metro on my way to my (boring) courses (haha almost getting on the wrong train because i still don’t know my way haha 💀). just have to make it to 11am and then i’ll be fine :)

also some updates on my writing (yes i write). yesterday i wrote 2 free verse poems about my ocs (if yall hate that fuck off lol) and added some words to my book, though i spent most of my time reading the original version i wrote when i was 9 (i based my current book off it originally but there’s zero resemblance to the og now 💀 maybe i’ll make a post on it) and adding comments and laughing my ass off at the illogical goofy ahh shit which is thought was cool.

also started working on another book (will probably post about it?) that’s just me trauma dumping two mcs overcoming their own weaknesses and (hopefully, idk how the story entirely goes yet) becoming healthier versions of themselves. (yeah i will definitely post about this) i drew one of the two mcs while in my tutoring class instead of paying attention because who wants to pay attention in tutoring classes :]

at my station now, bye for now :D

[cloudilee]

you know you’re cooked when you ask the teacher a question but the answer leaves you even more confused 💀

[cloudilee]

i did the day before’s but i forgot yesterday’s 💀💀💀

just realized i forgot my journal entries 3 days in a row 💀