cloudestine

[cloudestine]

Even if the world gives you so much pain, never give the pain back to someone.

Always remember that.

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How can I describe my life to you? I think a lot, listen to music.

— Susan Sontag, "Death Kit," published c. January 1967

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ask me

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[cloudestine]

I don't know what else to tell you because I too, am feeling it. The kind of longing — but from something unknown.

[cloudestine]

My friends call this the "It's-getting-heavy-again" habit.

I have already come to terms that rest is a luxury for an eldest daughter like me, that responsibilities always come first regardless. I have to work 3 jobs so I can provide for everyone.

When I realized the relaxation it gives me from running away temporarily to a place where no one knows me and I'm far away from my job and obligations, I kind of got addicted in it. It became a habit of mine to travel, to have a night out somewhere else. Anywhere but here. Anywhere but home.

How do you save yourself when you can't even say no even when you're already bleeding too much?

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“You can never have a peaceful relationship with someone who’s always at war with themselves.”

— 02/21/21, anastasiasyah (via anastasiasyah)

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“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”

— Steve Maraboli

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I call upon the moon and its intrepidness to be alone at night. I call upon the stars and its luminosity. Please shed some light. This is something I have been yearning. This is something that isn't settled on a whim. I wish I may, I wish I might, I wish to have the will to live tonight. I call upon the beautiful twilight. how it's adept at hugging the darkness. I call upon the cosmos and its ability to stay undivulged. Please give me elucidation. I might be a good fighter, but I can't fight all day, all year. I wish I may, I wish I might, I wish to remain alive tonight.

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I'm always going to be thankful that I met all of you in this lifetime. When everything sucked, you all remained shiny like a little ray of hope. And maybe, just maybe, hope isn't for suckers.

[cloudestine]

Some may say my friends are OA for being teary-eyed sa video call because they saw me cook for myself but I can't blame them because they saw me struggle for years. They witnessed all the breakdowns, the I-can't-do-this anymore cry. I didn't even think I'd reach 24, lmao.

[cloudestine]

April, 2023

[cloudestine]

SHAMELESS ⏤ 1.07, “Frank Gallagher: Loving Husband, Devoted Father”

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And as the sun sets, I will now let go the idea of you. I really tried. Trust me, I did.

Things have been different, and the pain will only continue if we keep holding on to the idea that it will get better. Maybe some things can't really heal even after a really long time.

I hope you find peace even after everything that happened. I hope in your next life, you get to do the things you wanted to do, live the life you wanted to live.

I hope in the next life, you'll be free. Goodbye to you, my 2016 self.

[cloudestine]

Can I get to know you

I don’t recommend it

[cloudestine]

Love should be easy, like sunshine on a summer day, like peeling oranges. It should be easy, but it isn't.

Some nights I still love the boy I loved when I was 13 even though I never think about him. He wrote me letters every time he missed me and played Panic at the Disco a little too loud. A girl I once held hands with all night told me that a full moon means the sun was happy that day and I still try to make the sun smile every time I look above. And it shouldn't have hurt when I told her I didn't love her anymore, I didn't. But some days I still do.

Love should be easy but it's old photographs, it's love letters that I still keep in a black box by my bedside table. It's puzzles whose pieces don't exist in my memory anymore. Love should be easy. It isn't.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire