cle-oh-damn - Tumblr blog

[cle-oh-damn]

@thegreatgracie: @cleorgasm /cough/ nerd /cough/

@cleorgasm: oh yeah, cause /you're/ one to talk. go play with your action figures @thegreatgracie

[cle-oh-damn]

@cleorgasm: I CAN'T FIND MY LORD OF THE RINGS DVDS WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE NOW

[cle-oh-damn]

@cleorgasm: at least the weekend means I don't need to make up excuses to get out of going to school

[cle-oh-damn]

Well then learn how to drive, jackass.

Car accident, asshole

[cle-oh-damn]

What'd you do this time, loser?

Ow.

[cle-oh-damn]

I drag myself out of nightmares each morning and find there’s no relief in waking.

Finnick Odair (via piercethenics)

[cle-oh-damn]

@cleorgasm: my mom downloaded dubstep onto my ipod again i can't dO THIS GUYS

[cle-oh-damn]

When Ben asked who it had been that had raped her, Cleo wasn't sure what to say. Yes, she knew now. But that didn't mean she had any right to ruin Ben's life with the knowledge. Okay, that was probably a little dramatic, but it would at least ruin his relationship with Alice's brother. Cleo didn't want to be responsible for that. And, she knew Ben. He was caring and passionate and seemed to live by the saying 'act first, think later'. She didn't want him doing anything stupid, not for her. He had literally just said that he wouldn't be able to control himself if he met the guy. How upset would he be if he knew he already had met him? If he knew that Alice was living in the same house with him? It wouldn't be good, that was for sure. 

"I can't remember." Cleo told him, figuring it was her safest bet. If he saw through it, then she would tell him. But, she had spent so many years clueless about his identity, so she was pretty used to the feeling of it. "I was so wasted and so scared. I suppressed a lot of it, I think. And that's what these headaches must be." she told him, telling the whole truth except for her rapist's name. "PTSD or whatever. But it's coming back slowly and painfully. Little flashbacks here and there. Dreams, sometimes. But never his face." which had been true earlier that day. But that flashback she had gone through in the doctor's office had shown her everything, from start to finish, Todd's face included. 

Cleo's breathing was speeding up again, like the beginning of a panic attack or something. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Ben. What if the flashbacks don't go away?" she managed to get out through her gasps for air, which were starting to sound more and more like broken sobs. "I can't live my life like this!" it felt like her ribs were being crushed by a steamroller. Cleo hadn't had a panic attack in a long time. Not since the first few weeks after being raped- before she had suppressed the memories. They had taken her over and made her a nervous wreck, so she pretended they didn't happen, which eventually lead to forgetting about them. But now they were back and worse than ever, and she knew now that, while she couldn't live with them, she also couldn't escape them. 

Too Little, Too Late || Cleo & Ben (tw: rape, abentee father, ed, alcoholism, etc)

[cle-oh-damn]

"The doctor came back with my test results and said that everything looked okay. Then... she started asking me questions." Cleo began, figuring it would be a good place to start off. "She didn't diagnose me or anything, but... I think I figured out why my head has been acting up." 

Cleo took a breath and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes, though she was sure more would be coming soon. "Did anyone ever tell you why Alice and I stopped being friends?" she asked, deciding she had to start from the beginning. "If they did, they were wrong. I mean, yeah, I fucked her boyfriend. But... not even Alice knows why that happened." Cleo had to prepare herself for this story. She had never told anyone this, or written it down, anything. She hated herself too much for it. But, this was Ben. He wouldn't hate her. If anything, he would hate Todd for doing this to her.

under the break --> tw: rape, mentions of absentee father

Cleo took a moment to place her thoughts. Then, when she was prepared, she continued, avoiding eye contact with Ben completely. "You never met my father, but religion meant everything to him. Prayer, abstinence, all that jazz. Always told me that he only asked one thing of me: to keep myself pure for marriage. And I was going to, too. Sex scared me, to be honest, even when I got to high school. Obviously I was curious about it. But I knew it could wait, because it was supposed to be with the right person." she wasn't looking at her friend, but she knew that he was probably shocked by this point. "I told myself that if the opportunity ever arose for me, even after my dad left, that I would just say no. I was told it was that easy."

"So, when that senior brought me to his car to be alone with him, I thought nothing of it. I was drunk, of course, but that's no excuse for..." she paused, trying to stop the tears from coming. 

"By the time he drove me home, my virginity and trust in the world was gone." tears were rolling down her face now, but she continued. "I said no. Tried to fight him off. But he was dead set on having me, and he did."

Too Little, Too Late || Cleo & Ben

[cle-oh-damn]

Cleo heard Ben calling after her, but she didn't want to stop until they were out of the building, where they wouldn't cause a scene. In the parking lot he cut her off and she gave in, lacking the energy or even the desire to fight him. She tried to regulate her breathing before she answered him, it being staggered from the combination of walking quickly and crying.

But, then there was also the issue, could she even tell Ben? Of course she could, but did she want to? How would he react? Would he insist she tell people? How much of this was too much? Cleo looked at him then, right into his eyes, and she knew she could tell him every part of it and that he would be there for her no matter what came out of her mouth next. 

"I just-" she stammered, realizing she couldn't even say it out loud if she wanted to. Not right now, anyway. So, as her bottom lip began to wobble again, she wrapped her arms around Ben's torso and just hugged him, burying her face into his chest. And that probably said a lot more than any words could. When Cleo was finally calm enough to speak normally, at least for a moment, she broke the hug and told Ben "We'll talk in the car. I don't really need eavesdroppers right now."

But, before they got in the car, Cleo gave Ben a warning. "You can't tell anyone about any of this. No if's, and's, or but's for any reason. I'm serious. Okay?"

Too Little, Too Late || Cleo & Ben

[cle-oh-damn]

Too Little, Too Late || Cleo & Ben

The doctor badgered Cleo for a few more minutes before giving up on her confiding whatever it was that she was obviously hiding. Cleo's head was too busy spinning from the memories of that night flooding back to her for her to care in the slightest about not showing how terrible she felt. How scared she was. So, the doctor prescribed her some painkillers for her headaches and told her to come back in a week if nothing changed. 

Slowly, Cleo made her way back to the waiting room, still not sure what to feel about her revelation. Todd Mercer, Alice's older brother. He was the one that had done this to her. He was the person who had ruined her so suddenly and completely. Tears were falling from her eyes now, too wrapped up in herself to care about anyone seeing. The last time she had felt this awful was when it had actually happened. What was she going to do? What the fuck was she going to do? She couldn't tell anyone! But, she couldn't let him get away with it, either! He had broken her. She would never be the same person ever again. He had betrayed her! Todd had watched her grow up, innocent and pure, and then he took that from her. He raped her. 

When Cleo finally got to the waiting room, she felt eyes on her and immediately felt threatened. No one could know. No one could see her like this. She had to get out of here. The brunette rushed to the exit, not even stopping to say a word to Ben, who had so kindly brought her to her appointment and waited for her. She knew if she even tried to say anything at this point, she would break down, and she couldn't do that here. Maybe a long time ago, back when she was herself, but Cleo was a different person now. A lot less trusting, and now she knew who to thank for that.

[cle-oh-damn]

A Reason For Broken Wings || Self-para

Summary: In which Cleo remembers details about the night of her rape. This includes the identity of her rapist, which she has been subconsciously repressing for years.

Takes place before "Too Little, Too Late || Cleo & Ben"

Trigger Warning: rape.

"Do you have a history of things like this?" The doctor questioned, scribbling away in her notepad.

"No."

"Is there anything else?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, like... flashbacks? Or weird dreams? Deja vu?"

Yes, she thought to herself. But out loud she uttered, "Maybe once."

"Well, sometimes people repress memories, Cleo. Things they just don't want to deal with, usually from traumatic events. And sometimes those memories come back."

"Is that what this is?"

"You tell me. Is there anything that you went through that you might have wanted to forget?"

~

Cleo smiled drunkenly at the boy as he spoke to her, the alcohol having yet to loosen up her flirting skills. Despite how much she had consumed she was too nervous and shy, especially around as cute a guy as this, to actually flirt back. At least, not physically, like he so obviously wanted. He kept playing with her hair and hands and touching her arms -which were tightly crossed over her newly acquired chest, mind you- so she could tell her was interested. And he kept licking his lips, which according to Alice, means that he wanted to kiss her.

And, of course she wanted to kiss him, too! He was the hottest, most popular guy in school, and they had a past together. Nothing more romantic than a sandbox kiss, but still, they had grown up together. She knew him almost as well as she knew her best friend. He was like a brother to her... up until now, at least. Because of this logic, and how he treats her in comparison to other girls he goes out with, Cleo predicted that it would be a pretty smooth sailing relationship, if he decided to ask her out at the end of the night. She already knew he cared about her, and there wouldn't be any awkward "meet the parents" thing, and he would never hurt her! Of course he wouldn't. This was Todd Mercer she was talking about, after all. He loved her, at least in the friendship sense. At least, that's how he acted. She hoped. Oh, now she wasn't so sure. Calm down, Cleo kept telling herself. This is the new you. You're hot now. Boys like you now. You can do this.

So, she took a deep breath and got ready to try her luck at flirting back when he leaned in next to her left ear and said in a low voice "do you wanna go someplace... quieter?"

Cleo's heart jumped into her throat at the tone of his voice -it was like out of a sex scene from a movie or something, for Christ's sake- and she nodded, smiling up at him. He smirked a devilishly, took her hand, and they made their way out of the party. It was probably somewhere around 2 in the morning and Cleo probably should've been taking this time to call home and tell her mother that she was alive and safe and all of those things that the harebrained woman tended to worry so much about, but she was too busy watching the way Todd's brown curls bounced when he walked to care about anything else but him. They got into the car, both of them in the back seat since he was the leader in all of this and why on Earth would Cleo question him? Why would she know to think ill of anything this boy did?

Todd pulled her into his strong arms and they got to talking as if it were the most natural thing in the world to be in this position. He asked her about her grades and other casual things, and she asked him about his senior year. That was what most intrigued her and his answers only did so more.

"It... pushes you out of your comfort zone. Shit happens and you make mistakes, but it's okay, because everyone else is making them too." Todd told her, his voice sounding like these thoughts were new to him. "You're gonna be fine, Cleo. Just... don't change one bit. Stay this girl -this one that you are right now- and don't let anyone destroy it for you. If you do that, you're set." he said. The girl looked at him curiously, a huge grin on her face, and it was the most painfully innocent thing Todd had ever seen in his life. Cleo was ecstatic, her heart beating fast, and Todd began moving towards her, leaning in for the first kiss.

Their lips met in one sweet peck and Cleo giggled, looking up at him with the brightest brown eyes Todd had ever seen. The last time that they ever shined like that. Innocent and pure and good and Cleo. That was what made him hate himself the most -he took who she was and turned her into someone totally different. He turned her into a monster.

Todd took her face in his hands and quickly things in the car heated up. If it was a cartoon, the windows would've been fogged up in under three minutes. Cleo had never felt like this, had never been touched like this, and Todd had never felt so guilty. After about 10 minutes of making out, they started shedding clothes, and that was when Cleo started to get nervous. She had never gone this far. How far were they going? Was this okay? But she couldn't voice any of this! Todd would judge her and be offended and think she was a scared little baby that didn't want to be with him, and she couldn't have that. Not after all this progress she had made tonight. 

They went further. Todd took the lead and soon enough it was R rated activities going on. It felt nice though, once she could get past the pain, which he did help her with, the darling that he was. Cleo had never realized how big Todd's hands were before now. 

"Do you want me to, Cleo?" Todd asked her softly between fluttering kisses on the tops of her breasts. Cleo looked at him in confusion, not sure what he was talking about. It couldn't be sex, could it? Did Todd really want her like that? Already? She was shocked, and flattered, but also knew she wasn't ready for that. So, when he specified, she tried to tell him no, but her words were slurred now from the alcohol she had consumed. "Okay, do you not want me to not do it?" he asked, smirking down at her.

"Yes." she managed, smiling thinking that she had heard him differently. Thinking that he understood. But he didn't. It was the opposite. And soon enough, she realized that. But it was too late. Strong hands of the oldest Mercer child had her pressed down against the backseat of the car, and he kissed her furiously. She kissed him back, hoping that was all he wanted to do, but she wasn't so lucky. He pressed a knee into her stomach and she cried out, and he tossed off his boxers and pulled out a shiny wrapper. A condom. What? No. She had said no. Hadn't she? She had said yes to saying no. At least, that was what she had tried to do. But Todd didn't seem to get it. Maybe he hadn't understood her.

"Todd, n-" 

"Yes"

What? She was way too buzzed for this. What words were even hers anymore? She could barely tell. The next thing she knew, Todd was deep inside her and she was screaming, looking in his eyes the whole time. The eyes that looked just like her best friend's. The eyes that had watched her grow up and that she had shared her first kiss with was now taking her purity. By force. She struggled against him, yelling through the hand that was now clamped over her mouth, but he was too strong. It was over. This battle for her virginity was lost.

Todd had stolen it in the back of a rusty old Sudan and with a malicious look in his eyes. Todd Mercer, boy of her dreams. Todd Mercer, her best friend's older brother. Todd Mercer, the boy that had taught her how to ride a bike, and skip a stone, and punch correctly, and who she shared her first kiss with. The boy she trusted most in this world. 

She had been betrayed.

And when he was done, he drove her home as if nothing had ever happened. Like everything was back to how it was the previous day. Like her virginity was still in tact. Like he didn't just steal her innocence. Like she was okay, lying in his backseat with her naked body covered by his sweater and tears still running down her face.

By the time Todd had pulled up in front of her house, Cleo had managed to pull herself together enough to get back into her clothes and sit upright. She had never felt so disgusting or betrayed or used in all of her life and as soon as the car came to a stop, she was out the door -running into her home and far away from Todd.

Her rapist.

~

Cleo shook her head slowly to the young doctor's question. 

"No, nothing."

Wouldn't she ever learn to speak up for herself?

[cle-oh-damn]

Text @ Blondie

Ben: Awh, Cleo... it's alright, it'll be okay.. I'm sure they will know what's wrong and they will help and I'll be here for everything.

Ben: It's okay, Cleo.. We are all human, we are freak out over things like this, it's normal.

Cleo: don't awh me. i'm not a fuckin puppy. i just lost it for a second. i'm fine. the doctors won't find anything bc there's nothing wrong with me. i shouldn't even bother going. it'll just be a waste of money.

[cle-oh-damn]

@thegreatgracie: @cleorgasm clearly ive been too lenient

@cleorgasm: @thegreatgracie CLEARLY. he was texting with smiley faces earlier. where did we go wrong?

[cle-oh-damn]

@thegreatgracie: @jollygreenegiant wrong bc im taking away ur man card for this

@cleorgasm: @thegreatgracie i can not believe it has taken this long for that to be taken from him wow

[cle-oh-damn]

Text @ Blondie

Ben: Ha ha ha, Cleo.

Ben: Well.. hopefully the doctor will be able to tell you what's wrong?

Ben: No problem, Cleo.

Cleo: i calls 'em as i sees 'em

Cleo: if they can't they're not getting paid bc that is literally their job they had better know what's wrong with me i'm too fucking freaked out i can't do this anymore ben

[cle-oh-damn]

@fuckmila: @cleorgasm they're not even good they sound like they're 12

@cleorgasm: @fuckmila wait do you mean they AREN'T 12?