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[clauguadarrama]

Manuscript of the same moon, that was never mine to lose (2/?)

[December, 2023 - Haunted]

Something keeps me holding on to nothing 

Come on, come on don’t leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something’s gone terribly wrong

Can’t go back I’m haunted 

After that first date, I had such a good impression of you and I really wanted to get to know you even more. I saw a lot of potential in you, and in general in the whole thing.

I remember that trying to find a day to meet each other, got a bit more complicated. I remember that we agreed that we could potentially meet on a Wednesday and that you would let me know if it was possible. As the day went by, I didn’t get any message from you, I started to get a bad feeling. As the hours went by through the day. It was becoming more obvious that you were not going to reach out. I decided to continue my day “as normally as possible”. I tried to work out to keep my mind busy. I couldn’t do it, I was hyperventilating through the whole workout and I ended up crying in the shower. Later that day, you texted me saying that you were so sorry, you forgot to text me that you couldn’t make it.

I was sad and pissed. I did tell you that I was disappointed about it. You were rather surprised that I had already feelings. To be honest, I didn’t have feelings yet, I just had a really great feeling about you and of course, I wanted to give it a shot. I recall you said that also you wanted to see where this could go.

I had a false sense of peace and security, and I was really looking forward to seeing you again, but it was never the right time. There was always something. And then, one day while I was at work, I got a text from you saying that you had something “awkward” to tell me. I remember the whole text saying that “you met someone you really liked, and that you were no longer looking for a relationship, therefore you would delete the app. You did wish me the best, and that sooner rather than later, I would find the right person for me.

I remember exactly where I was standing when I saw your message at work, by the window with the view to the funny statue outside of the office, just before lunch. I didn’t want to reply right away, because I was rather shocked and I wanted to first give myself time to digest it and think what to say. Honestly, I barely ate anything. I had nausea and the people at the office thought I was a bit sick or tired, but it didn’t make sense to tell them what was actually going on.

Back at the office, I went to the (faulty) coffee machine. I went through the message again. I drafted a small message where I wanted to thank you for your honesty, that I am happy for you, and that I wish you the best. As I clicked “send” I immediately got an error message. I refreshed the app, and just like that, you were gone. 

I couldn’t believe how fast you stepped out of my life, without even a chance to say goodbye. I thought, “he was such a green flag, and way too good to be true, I am so jealous of the girl that got him because you don’t get to find a guy like that every day”. 

I was numbed, I had already cried before the moment I already had a bad feeling. The woman was just too stunned to speak, move, or even to cry about it. 

[clauguadarrama]

Manuscript of the same moon, that was never mine to lose (1/?)

[July 2024 - The Manuscript]

…The only thing that´s left is the manuscript

One last souvenir from my trip to your shores.

Now and then I re-read the manuscript

But the story isn’t mine anymore.

Here I am, once again, doing what I always do with my thrown-out speeches, with a sea of emotions, whose waves are crashing into my deepest thoughts and feelings.

[December 2023 - Enchanted / All Too Well]

The air was cold,

But something about it felt like home somehow.

[…]

Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well

When I first met you, in my life there were a lot of new and exciting things going on. I had just moved to a city, that for years felt like a dream to live in, I was starting a new job with amazing people and thrilling projects, in the very niche area in which I wanted to start my career path, and I started this new chapter sharing it with the person who means the world to me, which is my sister. However, I had the feeling something was missing. 

We met each other in December, the air was cold and the days were short and dark. Nevertheless, December is definitely one of my favorite months, as this is such a magical season, as the darkness is needed to light up all the beautiful lights that light up the streets, and Christmas trees, and of course, the Christmas markets have a fairytale mist. I have always loved the holiday season, as I think that it is not only a time for reflection into the past and brings a lot of excitement into the next year, but it is also (at least for me) a season to be incredibly grateful about the people we have in our lives, and it inspires me to give the best of me. 

I hate dating in the modern world, one would say that there is absolutely nothing magical about swiping left or right. One can’t simply get to know a person just by a couple of pictures, a rather poor description about yourself or the same old pickup lines, and small talk over text. Trying to find someone who is worth it, or at least matches your energy is not an easy task. To try to find people that kinda match my energy, and at least that I knew that they took the time to read my profile, I asked “Who would win in a streetfight? Remy from Ratatouille or Stuart Little?” Although the question itself is super stupid and the answer doesn’t really matter (no actually it does, of course, Remy would win, I didn’t trust people who said that Stuart Little would win). I remember that your answer was one of the nerdiest ones I had. Of course, as the nerd-as paleontologists, your answer was that since Remy is a rat, he has the biological advantage of being bigger and heavier, so he could easily beat Stuart. I found that hilarious, 

Even though I was curious and kinda looking forward to our first date, I was really looking forward to seeing the Christmas market at Odeonsplatz, as that is one of my favorite markets where you literally feel inside a children’s book. To be honest, I was not really expecting a lot of the date itself, and I don’t know why, but I had the idea that you would be a little bit too nerdy or dorky for me. Back then I was a bit unsure if I wanted a serious relationship, but I wanted to meet people in the new city I just moved in, and I was a bit afraid of maybe not liking you and having to break your heart (and it is quite ironic how this thing turned out to be… two times).

To be honest, I feel so silly and maybe even a little bit embarrassing that I remember every single detail about that date. From the place where we decided to meet, in front of one of the lions, as it was winter, everyone was wearing black or grey jackets and coats, including us. I remember you said that to make it easier for me to find you, you would wear only one glove. That is the level of detail, in which I remember it all too well. To be honest, my first reaction when I met you was “oh wow he’s actually cuter in person”. I felt so stupid, because even though we were texting in German the whole time, I got a bit nervous when I met you, and suddenly I was too conscious about everything, including my questionable German. That immediately went straight into the rubbish.

You apologized because you didn’t make the scientific fact-based list of why Remy would win. After all, you didn’t have the time to do it. To be honest, I also wanted to do one but also didn’t have the time to do it, at the end of the day, we are both functional adults. Anyways, we did the mandatory thing to do whenever you visit a Christmas market, which is to get a cup of Glühwein. 

We did a bit of small talk, you were so charming and charismatic, and somehow, being with you felt rather familiar. I was genuinely curious to know what the hell a paleontologist does in real life. My only references were Ross Geller, Indiana Jones, and a bit of Jurassic Park, which are all jokes and references that you get for sure more than a thousand times, but I wanted to know all about it. To be honest, seeing how excited you got about talking about these topics was rather cute, and I found all of it genuinely interesting. At the end of the day, I am also a nerd who was really interested in biology. I think that when I told you about what I studied and what I was working on, I think I made it sound rather confusing and maybe not so exciting, trying to explain something with passion in your third language, it’s not so easy. I have barely felt myself whenever I talk in German. I can do it, but my German version is far from being my favourite version of myself. 

After some small talk, you casually asked, why or how I came up with the whole Remy and Stuart question. The real and blunt answer: to filter boring people, people who don’t have a sense of humour and people that will not take one extra step. The answer I gave you and I kinda chocked on it in German: me and my sister make jokes about it, because she hates Stuart Little (which is also true). I struggled to find the words in German and I asked you if we could switch to German. I am so glad we did because suddenly I felt like I could be more like myself. The English and Spanish versions of myself are basically the same thing. Once I felt that I could actually relax, be more like myself, the conversion flowed way much more easily, and I noticed how easy-going everything felt. 

It is so stupid how up to this day, about 8 months later after that first date, I still remember everything so vividly. I remember that we talked about the uncanny valley when we saw these weird ass looking animatronics at the Christmas market, I remember that you made fun of me because I ordered a Bratwürst with süßes Senf, I remember how you said: “it is so easy to tell that you are not from here because nobody would have a Bratwürst with sweet mustard, maybe some Leberkäse, but not with a Bratwürst”. 

Anyways, the evening went by, we had another Glühwein, I remember that randomly a girl you went to the university with popped out with her boyfriend and you catched up. I remember it was so silly when she asked us “Where are you living guys” assuming we were a thing and that we were living together, but the reality was far from that, I internally laughed a lot about it, because I thought “oh no we actually just met today”, but you actually answered way much more elegantly with a “oh no we’re not living together” and that’s it. I remember you talked about the Barbara’s Fest thingy, which you happened to tell me before by text. Also, it was quite interesting for me, because you mentioned that you wanted to start your PhD, and you were not sure where you would do it, but of course, Munich was your first option. At the end you exchanged numbers and I remember that it was so hilarious that at the end you mentioned “yeah I am terrible with names” and you were really waiting for her to say her name or to type it in as your contact. Later you mentioned that after a 6-year relationship, you didn’t remember the name of your ex-girlfriend’s dad, even though you really liked the guy… also you mixed my name at the very beginning and you thought it was Laura… that was already a major red flag from the very beginning, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. It is so stupid because I think that by now, you have already forgotten my name, or It is just a matter of time, but I definitely can’t say the same thing.

As time went by, the Christmas market closed and they sent us all home, I remember we walked to Universität, so you could take your bus and I could take my subway. Already with a couple of Glühweins running through our veins, I remember we had one of the silliest conversations. I remember you made fun of horse girls, and I was mad because as a girl, horses were my favorite animal (and I even got bullied for that, but that is another story… and funny enough, it was by a guy named Max, but that is another story). You also joked about people burying hamsters instead of flushing them away (?), that was a bit odd, but okay, I remember that I told you that I had a Yorkie, which I loved with all my heart and soul. I also remember a lot that we talked about how stupid pigeons are, and how we made a lot of fun of them of how low their stats are when you compare them to any other animal.

We finally reached our separating points, we wanted to keep the conversation going (or I least I had the feeling that was the case) but we needed to go back home. I remember you accompanied me to the U-bahn, even though your bus left first, you didn’t seem to mind catching the next one. We chit-chatted a bit more, and we hugged to say goodbye, after a (at least from my pov) lovely evening.

Honestly, that rather simple evening, was one of the best first dates I ever had, not only the combination of the charm and flare of the Christmas market, and the lightness of the mood sponsored by the Glühwein, but getting to see a glimpse of who you are was amazing. It was enchanting to meet you.

That night was flawless,

I was wonderstruck flushing all the way home,

after being enchanted to meet you. 

I was praying that was the very first page, 

not where the storyline ends, 

my thoughts echoed your name until I saw you again. 

These were the words I held back as I was leaving too soon,

I was enchanted to meet you,

begging that you were not in love with someone else.

I remember I got home, my sister asked me how did everything go, and I just said “that was one of the best first dates I ever had. I had so much fun and I really liked him. I don’t know where exactly this thing is going, but it was SO good.” I could not stop smiling and dancing across the apartment. I could not wait to see you again. It is one of those things that when you know, you know. I haven’t felt something like that in years.

[clauguadarrama]

Fundamentally broken

I went out for a run, as it felt as if I was running away from my fears and especially running away from the reality that you would not longer figure in any way in my life. It was not even possible that I could actually keep running. I haven’t slept more than 4 hours over the last week, I have barely eaten, and the night before I tried to drown my sorrows in wine. However, I kept running, my body wanted to escape.

I was tired, but I was even more tired of crying myself to sleep, so I kept running. 

Eventually, I thought of doing something I wanted to do, and even though I was completely unprepared, at that moment felt like the perfect escape from reality. I ran half a marathon, completely fuelled by a broken heart (+ 1 chicken strip and 4 raviolis).

I can believe I actually managed not only to finish, but to do it with a rather decent time (even better than some friends of mine who actually have trained for months).  

Now my whole body hurts my back, my abs, my arms, and of course my legs. I can’t barely walk and I have blisters on my feet. Nevertheless, the physical pain is nothing compared to the pain caused by the crushing reality that I just lost a wonderful “what could have been”.  The most ridiculous and embarrassing thing is that you were not even mine to lose.

Now I realize I am capable of doing things that I thought I was not good enough to do. I’ve been running for years, and I never registered for a race or a marathon, because I thought I was not good enough for it. I just proved to myself that I can do it. (And maybe one day, could I be good enough for you?) Now I actually have the courage to run a half marathon (and maybe even in the future a whole marathon). I guess there is a positive takeaway from this.

When we were at the park and people passed in front of us running quite fast, I remember you joked saying “Wow this person is fundamentally broken”. We both mentioned that we started to run out of heartbreak. So this is what heartbreak does to a person.

Thanks for breaking me to a fundamental level and giving me the guts to run half a marathon. 

[clauguadarrama]

I think that the reason why I am hanging on to this pain is because it is the only way I can still have you in my life.

[clauguadarrama]

I know my worth, and I will never go on sale

Honestly, I am a bit pissed because I don’t get what this thing of agreeing to take things slow so we can actually get to know each other is actually leading to when after that you just disappear for days without any warning, note, heads-up or whatsoever. I have been empathetic and patient about the times and also understand that you are busy... but I find it annoying and even feel disrespectful about this lack of communication at this point.

I know that we are not a couple, but under my own terms of conditions, I do need some sort of reassurance that there is interest and effort on the other side. These things just don’t spontaneously happen, I know, and I recognize that maybe I am not the easiest person to date, but I really believe that I am worth it and in almost every situation, all things that are worth it, are not easy.

When you asked me how come I am still single, I gave you the short answer that I am picky and I tbh I don’t go on 1000 dates because I don’t like wasting my time. But a really important factor there, and maybe the most important one, is that I know my value, I am not for sale. Like any respectable premium brand, I rather stay unsold and rot on a shelf, than lowering my worth. Even some brands decide to burn unsold items, rather than lose their value by lowering their worth. I rather burn, as I would have been burned in another time as an alchemist witch.

Maybe you do it every once in a while, but usually if it is not fundamentally necessary, I don’t like to bring up details about my past relationships, but for this time I will. I don’t want to date another Johannes, I am pretty sure he was not a bad person, and I really loved the guy… but I absolutely HATED the way he made me feel. I promised myself I would NEVER let myself fall again into a situation where I have to bed and constantly doubt my self-worth.

It took me over 20 years to build the level of confidence that I have right now, and I think I owe it to the little 6-year-old who got bullied and manipulated to hell by her so-called friends, I owe it to the high school girl who someone who introduced herself as a friend, isolated her to the point were as a typical American movie, she had to eat alone in the bathroom. I owe it to the girl on her bachelor’s, who couldn’t even drive back because she had panic attacks and her parents had to pick her up. I owe it, to the girl that rebuilt her own life, completely alone and from scratch by moving to a different country, and. has moved like four times already. All of those versions of myself, live within me and they deserve much better than this. I am soft, but not available for mistreatment.

[clauguadarrama]

June 21th, the longest day of the year.

It would be even a bit ridiculous to think that I could forget that today is your birthday. When you told me for the first time when was your birthday, and you said it happens to be on the longest day of the year, and that is always really fun. I was mesmerized by your big smile and energy you showed  when you talked about it, and generally how exited you were about it. I swear I remember the sound of your voice so vividly when you said it, as the words flowed from the person who meant the world to me. So, did I forget your birthday and I didn’t write to you because of that? Not at all, quite the opposite actually. You’re still so present, that the main reason I can’t write to you it’s because it fucking hurts. From one side I can’t say hello to you and risk another goodbye, and on the other hand, I know you have a new life, one that you were really exited to begin with, and I really don’t want to bother you, at the end you got what you wanted. 

Even though I won’t say it directly to you, I do wish you the very best. Turning 25 years old sounds like some grown up stuff, but you have a complete life ahead of you. I really hope that all of these last 24 years were amazing, as they ended up shaping an amazing human, but I wish that the years to come are even better. I hope that wherever you are, you’re doing amazing things, and having the time of your life. As from my side, everything is going okay, I can’t truly say I’m fine, but honestly I’ve being growing up a lot, and realizing I’m much more capable of what I initially thought I was. I’d love to tell you all about it, as part of me thinks you would be proud of me. Other part of me thinks you won’t really care, so I think I better stay without knowing and give you the benefit of the doubt.

I have to admit it, I wish I could hate you, as that would definitely make things much easier, but I simply can’t and I can’t make all the pain go away by making you the villain, cause you really are not. People always say “you don’t know what you have till you lose it”. With you I always knew it, and I really miss it. However, quoting again one of my favorite artist (which you never really gave a damn, but it’s okay I guess). I hope it’s nice where you are, and I hope the Sun shine and it’s a beautiful day, and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed… your name, forever the name in my lips, just like our last kiss. 

[clauguadarrama]

folklore, track 8, min 1:41

Dear J,

Honestly, I don’t know when or even if you will ever get to read this. Neither I know if it even makes any sense at all to write all of this in the first place, but I honesty don’t know how to get a lot of things out of my chest, my thoughts and feelings are driving me crazy and I know that actually saying this to you it’s sadly not longer an option, so I guess that the old reliable paper and quill will have to do, even if it’s a digital version of it. As I do not have any remote idea of how to wrap my head and put into words all what I think and feel, this will probably will be a huge mess, but so am I, so at least it goes in line I guess.

There are not enough words to actually describe how confused and shattered I am. All my castles crumbled overnight without any kind of warning sign. I still can’t remotely process what happened. Deep down inside, I know why and probably if someone else looked at the situation with a cold and analytic head, it was the decision that made a lot more sense. However, my heart definitely can’t see it that way, since sometimes what makes more sense it’s not necessary what makes you happy. I actually think that’s even something that can be paralleled with your dream in some way. Even though continuing with your masters that was aligned with your bachelors is what made much more sense, it wasn’t something that made you happy or were really passionate about, and if you could take the path that lead you to that happiness, well obviously you had to go for it (but in your case, I have absolutely no doubt that the narrative will go in a much more positive way). I have a bunch of unsaid things, that I hoped maybe one day I could tell you, and honestly if I didn’t do it before, it was because I didn’t want to scare you by maybe appearing to be crazy, way to much or simply just that you thought that I was exaggerating and it wasn’t real and I just said them to sound “nice” and “romantic” or maybe even “cheesy”, but for me where things 100% real and I which I still mean.

I’m a person who cries a lot, because I feel things way too deeply and I think that by now you already know it. But I don’t cry just when I’m sad, I’ve also cried out of excitement and happiness, but the last thing it’s something that actually doesn’t happen to me that often as you might think, however it happened while being with you and probably you can even recall it. Actually it happened in a really “normal” day (‘cause for me every time I got a chance to see you, it was definitely everything but ordinary) and we were not really doing anything “special”, we where not on a fancy dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower or at an eccentric event with the Queen Elizabeth (which may or may not be a reptilian idk), but I realized how happy and complete I felt. That I had someone in my life who’s simply amazing, someone that I genuinely admire, that made me feel wanted and simply made me enjoy the simple moments in life. I know my life it’s far from perfect, it has never being and it will never be, and I’m okay with that, but at least for that moment, it felt like that.

Another moment I had, that I did told you about, was at a party where I would have loved for you to be there ‘cause I wanted to share the moment and dance with you and simply just laugh and enjoy the evening with you, just like the night we met. It is really easy to miss someone when you’re feeling alone or sad, but missing someone when you’re having fun and you’re happy, it’s a completely different thing. For me when you get the chance to share something that is already amazing with someone, not only makes the moment more meaningful, but it creates an amazing synergy, and it also becomes something that when the persons involved look back at it, they relive it and get to smile at it again, and it’s something amazing and unique for both persons. Why am I bringing this two moments back? Because thanks to these I realized how special and relevant you were becoming in my life, and that you were someone I would have definite loved to have in it for the long run. You were definitely not just someone I was having fun with, but someone that I really truly cared for.

I really thought that we could not only be like a great couple, but an actual team. Probably I didn’t really showed it, because of the fear of loosing you, but really when you used to talk about things that you were really exited about, seeing how your eyes used to lit up was a really amazing feeling. Seeing that spark, curiosity and passion was truly amazing, and I know that it will lead you to amazing experiences. I really never knew how I could express my support for your new plans and how happy it made me to see you that exited. Honestly I feel kinda ridiculous of a lot of details I thought that could be cute but probably were more embarrassing, at this point I don’t really know, maybe from all the unsaid things I have and plans that will never take place, I might keep a couple for myself, but I just want to let you know that I was really willing to not only be there, but be part of it as the team I thought we could be. But apparently, as much as it hurts and it’s really tearing my heart apart to say the least, it seams like the only way I could actually support you is by letting you go. I just wished that you wouldn’t gave up on me so easily, when we were faced to a challenge or an inconvenience which up to the day I feel like we could have had a ton of solutions for. I always said that you were definitely worth all the effort, and I still believe you are, but as harsh at it sounds, I simply guess that I wasn’t for you, and I’ll have to deal with it, ‘cause also I never wanted or can force you to stay if you don’t want to if you simply just don’t feel that way.

I’m really mad and maybe even a bit ashamed, that probably the very last picture you will have of me, it’s the one of a terrified crumbling child, who has holding on to someone who wanted to leave so bad, that it even became selfish from my side. I’m so sorry for that, but I didn’t want to dive into a reality that was completely different from the one that the two previous moments made me realize that I wanted in my life. I’m so sorry, that I was really stubborn into accepting it, (and actually I still can’t completely process it) but it was something that completely caught me by surprise and I was in complete denial, since it felt like I was living an absolute nightmare. I just don’t want you to remember me for that, I know (and I hope you do as well) that I’m so much more than a sad, scared selfish child. It could be said that my “basal state” it’s to be afraid and anxious, and I can’t easily shut it down and sadly I can’t get rid of it, but I really hope you had a chance to see that I am much more than that, or at least I believe I am. In case you didn’t, then I could actually easily understand your decision and you can even stop reading the rest of this completely unstructured sad try of a letter. I just don’t want to be defined by the things I’m afraid of when there is so much more than that. Fear is not the main drive is my life, but it’s actually the people and things I love. You may have your own point of view and things that you probably think I am, and I have no power or influence over that, but I’m not just that last picture of a broken bundle of fear.

I just don’t want to focus on the negative and on the “what could have been”, I already have to deal with that myself. Honestly, what you said of “you’re the perfect girlfriend, and if we were in the same place, we would be together” it really made me feel like dying and it really keeps hunting my mind, because I feel you gave a permanent solution to a probably temporary problem, but I don’t want to go again into the point we ended up in circles. At this point, were there is absolutely nothing left for me to do, I think I really want to actually thank you, and not only just making you feel bad about a decision you made me really clear you already made.

There is actually so much to thank you for in such a deep way, that words can’t just simply describe. Thank you so much for your time and effort. I know that you were always terribly busy and tired, but you always made the effort to see each other, at least just for a bit. You made me love Mondays, the least favorite day of the week for everybody, but for me it was the day I got to see someone who was one the way to becoming one of my favourite human beings. Getting to see you smile and the shape that your eyes took when you did it, was definitely one of the most amazing things my eyes had ever set sight on (and I’ve seen quite some amazing things tbh, fuck glaciers and the Grand Canyon, have you ever seen my (ex)boyfriend’s smile? That’s something completely out of this world!).

I also know that the effort was not only trying to make a space within your schedule, but it came and showed in other different ways. I know that trying to text me every once in a while, was something you were not really a fan of, but you knew that it was something that I appreciated, so you tried. Actually I think that not being in the phone 24/7 and actually get to live your life outside of it, it’s how it should be and it’s not a very common green flag to see, as much as I may not be that used to. Nevertheless, honestly the fact that still you tried it, meant the whole world to me. I really don’t need someone telling me nice things over the phone all of the time, and specially if they don’t really mean it and it’s just shallow. There are other things that I know that you were not really a fan of, but you kept trying because of me. I’m sorry if I ever pushed too much or overwhelmed you in any sort of way. Believe me that all that I was actually trying to do was trying to show my affection for you in a sort of way. Thank you also for really showing me to trust you, in a lot of ways. I think that at the very beginning, maybe you knew it, maybe you didn’t, but I was really really anxious all the time, but with a bit of time, you showed me that you were a reliable person and there was really no real reason to be anxious.

Linked to the last thing, besides thanking you, I also want to say sorry in a certain way, cause I know that dealing with an anxious person it’s not always easy, and even more within a relationship. I’m sorry if I ever felt like a certain burden or if I made you feel pressured in a certain way. I really didn’t mean it, but the reason I said “in a certain way”, it’s because it is something I can’t completely control, and I would never seek to make you feel that way on purpose. I don’t want to blame all of my problems on that, and I shouldn’t and it’s something I’m working on, but it’s not easy. Also, if I ever said or did something that made you feel bad, angry or whatever feeling that was definitely not positive at all, with or without anxiety, I’m terribly sorry. I would never do something consciously knowing that action would have a negative repercussion on you. The very last of my intensions would be to hurt someone I care for.

Back to the actual positive things, I can’t thank you enough for how you handled the couple of panic attacks that I had, and in general the whole thingy. You never made me feel like I was crazy, and you were always really kind to me and really listened to me, no matter how overwhelmed I was or how silly the situation appeared to be, you were there, with the best disposition and always helping me find the positive things out of every situation and reminding me that it wasn’t the end of the world, without invalidating my emotions. That honestly it’s something really difficult to find in a person. Sometimes people that care for you want to help, but sometimes even though they have the best intentions, they don’t know exactly what to say or do and even sometimes they end up making the situation a bit worse. I think I was really lucky in that aspect and you always showed a calmed and caring attitude, so really thank you for that. That was honestly one of the very first signs that made me realize that you were one of the “good ones” and someone really worth to get to know more. I honestly thought that shortly after that I wound’t simply know anything from you again, but no, I had the chance to continue confirming that statement, which I still hold today.

Thank you so much also for always bringing the best of me. You brought to life a version of myself that suddenly was fearless (I really like Taylor Swift okay? and she put feelings into words much more better than me). You helped me not only to recover, but actually to build a security on myself that I think it was never really that strong. To discover new things that probably otherwise I would never think of, because I was too scared, but thanks to the feelings I had (actually have, they just simply go away even if I wanted to) and trust in you, I began to overcome it. Thanks for always supporting me and cheer me in whatever I was doing or will do. You never looked at me as if I was inferior, never questioned my capabilities or anything remotely close to that. I honestly think somehow you always believed more in me that I do on myself. But now I think I’m actually starting to believe it. Maybe at this precise moment it’s even silly to write about that strength, since it was completely destroyed, but I mean, I know it is posible to get there, ‘cause I was there at one point and even though this time I will have to build it myself and it will probably take a freaking long time, you made me see it’s possible.

Thank you for letting me getting to know you, I really would have love to continue doing it so. Every little new thing that I found out about you or that you told me, never failed to amaze me. Thank you for telling me your crazy stories and adventures, I have absolutely no doubt that you will make so much more of those and you will meet all sorts of people within those adventures. You’re a terribly good person, with such an amazing energy and a heart of gold, and I’m sure you’ll attract good people along the way. Thank’s for sharing with me that terribly positive energy, your hilarious sense of humor, I always laugh a lot when I was with you. Other thing that keeps coming back to my head every once in a while is how you one time you said “you’re as weird as I am” and proceeded to give me a kiss. That moment was maybe like what, 5 seconds? But every time I randomly remembered, it made me smile like a complete fool. Thank you so much for telling me a bunch of random facts, about whatever was going on, whether if it was about a random corner or building in Straubing, a typical dish or a book you liked, or how you treated a patient, I loved learning from you. Although if you ask me, tbh my favorite facts were the ones about yourself or a random childhood memory. I know you’re not the greatest communicator in the world and you’re a bit of a more private person, but when you decided to open up a bit it was amazing, so also thank you for the trust I believe you had in me for you to feel confident to tell me about yourself.

Thank you for bringing into life and making me understand what a bunch of silly love songs and cheesy phrases actually meant. The fact that a song popped you into my mind was definitely not a coincidence. I sent you a bunch of them, which sometimes I’m not even 100% sure if you listed to them, but just to mention an example, Aerosmith’s “I don’t want to miss a thing”. To me the phrases of that songs were silly and maybe at some point maybe even a bit creepy or weird, but now I totally got it. I can’t stress enough how much I will miss just simply hearing the peaceful breathing and heartbeat, of the person which I adored (still do as much as it hurts). Waking up next to you was one of the more wholesome experiences I have ever had in my life. I really thought “I can see myself waking up like this everyday, and I could never get tired of it”. I know I’m more of a morning person, and being already wide awake it was rather convenient, because it was really really sweet getting to see how you slowly came out of your morning voice and you could barely open your cute eyes. I can’t describe how heartwarming it was, there was not a better way to start the day. When you gave me random kisses while we were watching something or not really doing anything, I swear that my heart always skipped a bit, I felt like it melted and I just couldn’t help but sigh, cause it was such a curious feeling of warmth, peace and pure happiness flowing thought my veins. Nothing of what was happening in the world or in my life mattered at all, everything stopped for a moment and there was only you. Also, one of the perks I had of being small, is that I always had the perfect height to listen to your heart whenever we were close. That amazing beating heart full of passion and an amazing desire to enjoy everything that life has to offer.

Even though the Netherlands it’s bordering Germany, it’s amazing how within a few km you really can notice that you’re in a completely different country. As I was walking around, I realized that a bunch of people where speaking in German instead of Dutch or a random language, and I realized I felt the same way I always do when I hear Spanish outside Mexico. It’s a feeling that for a few seconds you feel familiar, you feel you’re connected to your home. I just realized that I was starting to feel like Germany was become my home, and if I had that warm feeling it was in big part because of you. So thanks for making me feel like home, a place where I felt I could safely be myself and be happy… now it’s even silly to write it, as I couldn’t stand being there and I can’t wait to go back to Mexico. However, I will be forever grateful that you were there in one of the most life-changing moments of my life. I’m not ready to face the crushing reality of how it will actually be missing you, when I really get to feel your absence,  as I know that right now I’m still in a shock and denial phase, and the moment I realize you’re definitely gone, it’s going to hurt as hell, and I’m definitely not ready for that, but I have to other option but to just face it.

Thank you so much for making me grow as a person and even making me learn a lot myself and even about my own culture by contrast. That was something really fun, sometimes weird, but in general, quite amusing. I would have loved to take you to an authentic Mexican party, cause I know you would have had a lot of fun. Thank you so much for opening up my eyes and mind into new ways of seeing and value things and in general to experience life.

I’m really going to miss a lot your little expressions such as “it’s better than nothing”, “extaaactly”, “that is true”, and your little “meh” all which I can perfectly hear with your voice as I’m writing them. I must admit that I just realized that I adopted some of them and now it’s not uncommon for me to start a frase with an “I mean…”. I don’t know if you know you do it, but I noticed I got it from you. Somehow, I am taking little bits of you with me which I will always have.

As I said it to you on the very last time I saw you. I know you will have a wonderful time, not only with your freshly started studies (which I hope they are going great) but in your career in general and everything that comes ahead. I have absolutely no doubt, that you will be an amazing doctor, that you’re going to safe a bunch of lifes. I actually find it amazing that even now you’re already doing it, and in a relatively short time, you’ll be able to make it with a much greater impact. That is something completely worth to admire, and I’m really glad that people’s life’s get to be in someone’s hands who’s not only capable, but goodhearted. At the end of the day you’re not working with machines, chemicals or bacteria, you have in your hands actually people, that like you and me, they feel love, have their own dreams, passions and ambitions. That combination of being goodhearted and obviously intelligent, it’s not found in ordinary people, so I’m really glad you’re one of them. That’s why I really liked that postcard that will remain unwritten “There are heroes, superheroes and then there’s you” I think that there is no actual way to better resume it. 

I was really lucky to have you in my life, even if it was just for a little while, I would honestly loved if it would have being so much more, but I guess that life it’s unfair, things are not always easy and unlike many fairytales where there is a “bad guy”, sometimes the “bad guy” it’s just the simple situations that life puts us through. People always say like “it was for the best” and “things happen for a reason" but I’m tired of hearing that. Sometimes life is just shitty and that’s it, there is no further explanation, it is what it is and deal with it. I know that reason why this hurts so much and I wasn’t able to get out of my bed for three days it’s because of much it means to me. I know that this terribly big pain is what I have to pay for what I lived, and even though this pain it’s terrible to say the least, I honestly don’t regret it at all. If I had to choose between doing it again, knowing that I would feel exactly this same pain, I wouldn’t safe myself the pain and probably would do it all over again.

I honestly don’t know what I will exactly do with my life as for today, and even though I may or may not have a plan or a certain path to follow, many things could happen, doors close and open all the time, and opportunities that I didn’t even consider may arise, my life at this moment it’s a white canvas for good or for bad. I would really really liked to paint it along you, but that it’s obviously out of my hands now. However all the positive things that you left in me, and how you helped me grow so much, it’s something that I will always have with me. Also believe me that you’re definitely taking a piece of my heart with you to Karlsruhe and whenever you go, what you decide to it, it’s completely up to you. From the bottom of my heart, I really wish you the best, always and for absolutely everything, continue choosing whatever makes you happy, because at the end of the day, I think that’s the most important things in life because it’s what you actually take away with you. Whatever that something or someone might be for you I really hope you find it. As the incredible human being I’m sure you are, I truly believe you deserve nothing but absolutely the best and everything that is as equally as good as you are. I’m also having a lot of trouble to close this text, that I intended to make a letter but by now it’s more like an essay. This is because I know that as you’re reading this, I’m shortly living in your mind,  but and as soon as you finish reading it, I’ll be gone and the memories you have of me will slowly fade away, until I become nothing but a blury name. But as I said, sometimes life it’s just shitty and there is anything we can’t do about it.

I will always think really highly of you. The affection I have for you will not just disappear, I care for you in a completely unconditionally way, even if we’re apart, and by now I think that I definitely just didn’t cared or had feelings for you, there is so much more than that, which I’m afraid to acknowledge, and by now it doesn't even matter anymore. If you ever need anything, I will always be there for you, no matter where I am. Just be conscious that I will not be able to act as if “nothing happened”. Keep that amazing spark you have in that kind soul of yours.

My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever […] you have bewitched me body and soul […]

I wish you have a really happy life, which I know you’ll have.

-Claudia

Written somewhere in the Netherlands, as I couldn’t stay in a place and city that screamed your name.

[clauguadarrama]

Una carta al cielo

Lo que son las cosas mi amor, cuando eras apenas un bebé, el veterinario te había dado muy pocas probabilidades de sobrevivir por un problema en tu corazoncito. No solo sobreviviste, si no que te curaste, viviste y compartiste con nosotros (casi) 12 maravillosos años. El veterinario siempre lo decía, este chaparro es un milagro, y vaya que lo eras.

Llegaste a nuestras vidas y las llenaste de amor, cariño y aventuras. A donde fuéramos, siempre robabas suspiros con tus hermosos ojos y tu forma tan particular de caminar, como si dieras pequeños saltitos. Fue un gran honor haber crecido juntos, literalmente compartiste la mitad de mi vida, cuando nos conocimos era una pre-puberta, viste mi etapa de directioner, mis crisis existenciales, me acompañaste en cada uno de mis desvelos en la universidad y hasta estuviste presente en mi graduación de la carrera. Lamentablemente, a mí me tocó ver cómo tu hobby favorito pasó de lanzar juguetes desde la ventana del departamento a tomar muchas siestas, ya que no tenías tanta energía como antes. Sin embargo, nuestro cariño por ti nunca disminuyó si no todo lo contrario. Te volviste parte fundamental del núcleo de nuestra familia.

Siempre sacabas lo mejor de nosotros con todo ese cariño que tenias para dar. Siempre te recordaremos como este pequeño perrito de carácter hermoso, ojos brillantes y tan consentido, literalmente eras el rey de esta casa (siempre nos hiciste como quisiste mi amor). Compartimos tantas cosas juntos que es imposible ponerlas en una lista, desde vacaciones, salidas, incontables anécdotas y millones de cariños. Nunca fallabas, siempre que llegábamos nos recibías con una hoja, flor o croqueta como regalo de bienvenida. Extrañaré siempre el sonido de tus patitas corriendo por toda la casa, el como llegabas y rascabas la cama o el sillón pidiendo que te cargáramos y ver a aquel bandido de chanclas y calcetines que se los llevaba para luego ofrecerlos como tributo.

Lamento mucho y me rompe el corazón que te hayas sentido mal, pero encuentro un poco de consuelo en que donde sea que estés, ya estás descansando sin ninguna clase de malestar. Tu partida nos ha dejado un hueco enorme en nuestro corazón y te haz llevado llevado ese pedacito contigo. La casa y nuestros corazones no son lo mismos y es evidente que nos faltas. Sin embargo, nos quedamos con todo el cariño que nos diste, el cual es totalmente irreemplazable e inolvidable. Siempre vas a ser nuestro Yago bebé, mi corazón, mi amor y mi vida. Ahora sé que al mirar las estrellas, de todas las ellas, la más pequeña, juguetona y la más brillante de todas, eres tú. Siempre te he amado, te amo hoy y siempre.

[clauguadarrama]

Trust Fall

Con una acción tan simple, no tenía la menor idea de todo lo que significaba y como todo el tiempo negaba lo que estaba frente a mis ojos.

Nunca olvidaré ese momento en el que estando de ridículos y simples, decidimos hacer un par de “trust falls” sólo para pasar un poco el rato y reír como siempre lo solíamos hacer.

Recuerdo que cuando yo te tenía que atrapar tenía un miedo increíble de dejarte caer... sobre todo porque me sacabas más de 10 cm y 20 kilos y aunque quisiera hacer lo mejor para evitar que te lastimaras, era muy pequeña y mi fuerza no daba para mucho, sin embargo, más que yo me lastimara, mi prioridad era de que tú no lo hicieras. Aunque a mi me pasará algo, con que tú estuvieras bien era más que suficiente para mí y con eso sentía que ya había ganado todo. Te dejaste caer y sin problema alguno te atrapé y ninguno salió lastimado, todo perfecto.

Cuando era mi turno de dejarme caer, sin ningún problema me dejé caer. Esto es porque realmente nunca había tenido tanta confianza con alguien ni un afecto tan grande y admiración como la que yo tenía por ti. Jamás me había mostrado tan vulnerable ante a alguien y que al hacerlo saliera mucho más fuerte, alguien por quien metería mis manos al fuego sin dudarlo ningún momento. Conforme la gravedad hacía su efecto y seguía cayendo, no tenía medio, porque sabía que me ibas a atrapar, que no me dejarías caer. Cada milisegundo y milímetro en el que iba cayendo se volvía más largo, sin embargo nunca me doble ni metía mi pie. A medida que caía y pensaba “no hay problema, estando contigo sé que no voy a caer”. Sin embargo, llegó un momento en donde ya no había más espacio ni tiempo para que pudiera seguir cayendo y de manera inevitable llegué al suelo. El golpe fue lo de menos, cuando mi cuerpo llegó al suelo lo primero que pensé fue “no puedo creer que me hayas dejado caer”. Nadie me había dejado caer de esa manera, y mucho menos intensionalmente. No mides lo traicionada que me sentí en ese momento, ya que yo nunca le había sentido tanta confianza a alguien para dejarme caer de esa manera, pese a que me dejaste caer, en ningún momento me flexioné ni dudé de ti y de todas maneras terminé en el suelo.

Cuando te pregunté sobre porque me dejaste caer y sólo me respondiste “quería ver qué tan lejos llegaba” algo dentro de mi no sabía si estaba decepcionada o enojada, sin embargo la emoción o estado que sin duda me gobernaba era el estado de shock. Hasta la fecha no sé cómo razonar esa respuesta.

Viendo en retrospectiva, ese pequeño momento que pareciera tan trivial terminó siendo un resumen de lo que fuimos, alguien dispuesto a darlo todo por el otro sin importar lo que sucediera, con tal de que la persona a la que ama estuviera sana y salva y sobre todo feliz y eso era la mejor satisfacción que él mundo le pudiera dar. Por otro lado la otra persona de manera intencional deja caer a alguien a quien que le tenia la confianza más ciega e incondicional que se puede tener.

Al final del día al hacer las cuentas, tú perdiste a alguien que estaba dispuesto a hacer lo que sea por ti y tu felicidad y yo perdí a alguien que me dejaba caer aproposito y en lugar de verme como una compañera me veía como una competencia. Todo el tiempo eras esa persona que me dejaba caer y trataba de justificarte diciendo que eras buena persona, hecho que ya no estoy tan segura que pueda sustentar.

[clauguadarrama]

Extracto de una Carta, Diciembre 2017

[...]

Mi amor esto si creo que no te lo había comentado, o al menos no tan directo... pero mi vida terminé amándote mucho más de lo que tenía planeado (además cada día te amo más entonces imagínate).

Sinceramente estaba aterrada de querer a alguien y salir lastimada y ponía barreras ridículamente altas para evitar salir lastimada y no tenía intensión alguna de quitarlas (like never).

Pero mi amor, contigo me di cuenta que poner esas barreras era estúpido, amor gracias a ti ya no tengo miedo de querer a alguien, el amar a alguien no tiene que doler, si no todo lo contrario. El amar a alguien no es una carga, si no una fortaleza más que le da sentido a las cosas y te inspira a salir adelante.

No es desvivirte por alguien y quedarte sin nada para ti, es compartir los momentos y sentimientos que hay entre dos personas.

Obviamente requiere esfuerzo y echarle ganas, pero mi amor me hiciste ver que es algo que vale toda la pena del mundo y no es algo que te va a destruir, si no todo lo contrario. Amor en serio muchísimas gracias por destruir esos esos estúpidos muros que solo iban a hacer que me perdiera un montón de cosas... Maybe me protegían pero tampoco me hacían feliz. Pero mi amor tú me has traído toda la felicidad del mundo, ¡no mides lo feliz que soy a tu lado!

[...]

[clauguadarrama]

No Hearted People

There are people that are presumed to have a "cold heart", or simply just to lack of one (e.g Forget her bro, she is a bitch with no heart.), but what must people don't know is the story behind it. Sometimes a person who seems to have their life together and to be super carefree and looks like turning down people is their hobby... deep down inside there used to be a heart that was open to everybody to come in whenever they wanted, until one day something happened. 

People always talk about that magical feeling when someone wonderful comes into your life, how they make you fill complete and they make the best of you come out, they help you to be a better person each day. You share your passions with them and so they do, you share your visions of the world and sort of magically, you start to experience the world in new imaginable ways. You share everything with that person, wonderful feelings, experiences, including your heart. 

But suddenly something goes wrong and within a minute everything is gone. The dreams and plans you built together will never be fulfilled, the magical feelings that need to be feed day by day, will starve to death until they stop existing, the wonderful experiences will become nothing more than just long-distant memories, but what about the heart you gave that person?

Science has plenty of laws that helps us to have a better understanding of how the universe works, and among them there are two fundamental laws by which everything works. The Law of Conservation of Matter (or Mass), discovered by Antoine Lavoisier around the 18th Century states that "for any system closed to all transfers of matter and energy, the mass of the system must remain constant over time, as system mass cannot change quantity if it is not added or removed." And in the other hand we have the Law of Conservation of Energy, which states that "the total energy of an isolated system remains constant. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed; rather, it transforms from one form to another." So, what does this have to do with cold or no hearted people?

When you love someone, you feel like you are giving a great part of yourself to that person, but when is gone, even if you don't want to, they take a part of you with them. When they leave and you already gave them your heart, in someway it's like your heart doesn't fully understand that you have to let them go and move on, and so do you. The heart is a really annoying and stubborn thing, once you give your heart to someone, the heart holds on to that person, it feels like your heart could 't live without them, so when everything with that person is over and in someway they still own your heart, it decided to leave you and follow them instead since you can't. 

So what if your heart is like energy or matter? It can't be created nor destroyed, just transformed. So when a person leaved with somebody else's heart, the person who's that heart belonged now just has an empty heart-shaped space. 

Is not like the people who trend to be "no hearted" or maybe are cold or sometimes sour where always that way, is just that it could be that once they loved too much that they lost so much, even a fundamental part of themselves. And the remaining part transformed into fear, fear of losing again a big part of themselves which can be masked into not caring or being a sour person... what is left is so precious that is not worth to gamble it with just anybody. Is hard to trust people again once you gave it all to someone and didn't get something to stand by yourself out of the deal. Is not like this people lost the capability of loving, with the love of friends and family that heart-shaped space is once again filled, but the first person that this people need to start loving again is no one but themselves.