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[cjwriter]

Dropping the Holy Grail - An Insider View on Bi-Polar

“Like many people with not much core energy, I mistook nervous excitement for the Holy Grail. Eventually I was diagnosed with bi-polar. Nervous excitement, when it becomes the fuel you use to live your life, burns through you like a fire and leaves little left. Then you go down into deep depression. Such is the cycle of ‘bi-polar’.”

I cannot claim to describe this condition for everyone but I think the above captures something of core of bi-polar. I have had this condition I believe for almost 15 years – but have been diagnosed only since 2011. I was earlier treated for depression, which made me run away from the medical establishment because the anti-depressants made me go manic and sink into a whole new level of my low. The first allopathic treatment that was effective was Lithium which began in 2011 (under my mother and father’s care) and continues until today in smaller doses. For many years I dealt with this condition without medical help and this led to many insights about the nature of the disorder – insights which may not have had the space to form if I was under medical care. However, I would like to make it clear that I do not believe the medical establishment to be all bad. On the contrary, I have found them very helpful in their way. But they speak about chemical imbalances and management through medication, whereas I speak about the Holy Grail, Hell, how if you go manic you should definitely do your best to exploit your state into productivity, and how fire and water are the two primary elemental principles that rule us all. There is more to life than the conditioned reality – that is one of the best things this condition has taught me.

And I’ll say this too – Bi-Polar is not necessarily bad – but it is a damn challenge. I am going to tell my own story and also share some insights. I will put some words in the form of quotes also, as I believe these points are central. At age 16, I was taken by inspiration – and I think, luckily so. Although I had parents who loved and supported me I had no ambition and not much intelligence. Also, I had fallen prey to what western medicine calls ‘Fibro-Myalgia Syndrome.’ I had RSI type symptoms all through my body, digestive issues and got naturally depressed at having my health taken from me at such a young age. But even before this I was a similar type of child. I sludged my way through School, trying to get high enough marks to avoid punishment and never thinking about what would happen next. This all quickly changed when I knew I wanted to be a writer. My intelligence expanded rapidly. I recall how at the beginning of year 11 (age 15) I did not know what the words ‘anxious’ or ‘rational’ meant. I scored rather well at VCE (grades 11 and 12 – 16, 17 year old school) and moved from rural Bendigo to Melbourne where I studied Arts/Humanities. I made my way through University and graduated in 2004. But that is jumping ahead in my story.

“Sometimes you feel like Moses, that’s when you’re toasted.” Dandy Warhols

My first year in Melbourne I was doing my best to drink and smoke myself to death. This had begun at 15, when I was well into fibro-myalgia and believed I had no future. Naturally I projected this onto the world too – which is not so challenging these days: nuclear war, global ecocide, financial breakdown with anarchy to boot, the end of days, revelation, zombie apocalypse… you name it. I thought humanity’s self-destruction was imminent. My writing was getting better and better in Melbourne and studying philosophy in particular was remarkably inspiring. Now that I had a reason for existing I experienced a paradox – as the first true signs of mania ripped through my being I realized I wanted to live with a shocking intensity. Not so much because I loved myself or life, but because the stuff I was starting to think up in these new states of awareness was so good that it seemed I must stay alive long enough to be able to hone the skills to write it. It seemed like some kind of sacred mission. I was manic a lot in this first year in Melbourne, but at one point I went even further, experiencing states of ecstatic disgust whereby ideas and intelligences far beyond my conscious ability to hold or conceive flooded my awareness. It was as if eternity itself was living inside my brain. The intelligence was so far beyond me that it took from 2000 until 2010 that I began to ground this creative impetus through the completion of my first published novel, ‘Eluvius’. The Holy Grail was definitely blazing before my vision this time – and for the first time, but I was not yet holding it.

It’s a kind of creation-destruction, mania. Creation’s energy comes through you in raw ways, taking you beyond the confines of regular perception, and it does this by destroying you – by burning up energy fires that are usually used in minor doses each day for motivation and a sense of engagement with the challenge of life. With Bi-polar you are not used to a slow burning engagement with life, you are used to depression. So naturally when you feel engagement with life you get addicted to it and get nervous and excited. It feels like the Holy Grail. Instead of a slow burning candle that begins when we begin to feel awake in the day and starts to fall away as night comes, we have something like an end of season fire (called a bonfire in Australia) started by teenagers with petrol.

“Creation’s energy comes through you in raw ways, taking you beyond the confines of regular perception, and it does this by destroying you – by burning up energy fires that are usually used in minor doses each day for motivation and a sense of engagement with the challenge of life.”

It is such a paradox in so many ways – mania; a blazing state of heightened awareness that has nervousness and excitement at its core in equal measures. You feel like you are the best thing that ever happened to our species. You feel like everything is getting better and better and it will forever. You become this state and it becomes you. All life seems redeemed. If you are not socially empathic (like I was and still am), you will likely tell everyone about it. If you have a Christian background, you might think you are Jesus (or Moses maybe) or a newer version - ‘The One’ (like Neo from the Matrix). And it does feel like you have found the Holy Grail… or at least are very close.

Well, I was lucky (I suppose this is relative. I am saying not being hospitalized was lucky). I put a lot of it down to genetics. I was too stubborn and from no bullshit style people to think I was The One outright… and I was too socially empathic to go around sharing it. The little I did speak about it showed me people’s very loud rejection of my perception. And this hurt – afterall, I was only a teenager who wanted love and what I then called ‘a plane of mutuality’ (understanding and mutual social enhancement through free expression). But it probably stopped me from hospitalization too. Eventually depression came again – often and in waves. I wanted to die a lot. I asked for the help of my older cousin who found me a Psychiatrist. I got on anti-depressants, fell in love (unrequited), went vegetarian and experienced my first long lasting high wellness wherein my physical health greatly increased also.

Eventually I fell down again – things with the girl didn’t work out and I was not strong enough to follow the guidance that told me to put drinking and smoking away. I changed anti-depressants. This was when I became even more manic, with an even more intense low than ever before. I moved houses – twice. I fell in love again with a girl of my dreams from Slovenia, but she went out with another guy then left the country. But at least there were some new positives too. At 19, I had taken up yoga, met some positive new people who were escaping substance abuse like me, and taken an interest in things like astrology and energy. I could even do reiki (popular energy healing started by a Japanese man) – some guy I met taught me. But deep down I was still skeptical. One time I had finished a yoga session. I had been speaking the previous day with a close friend about how the energy at that time had a positive effect on the 3rd eye. After a full body relaxation technique, I was in a meditative state. I thought I may be able to ‘open’ my 3rd eye. I concentrated on the area between my eye-brows. A sense of a cloud being removed from that area occurred followed by a feeling of absolute clarity and peace.

Then I saw it.

With my eyes closed, something very small and ultra-violet in color coming closer and closer. I kept watching, not really knowing what it was until it got big enough for me to see – a demonic looking bat creature with big teeth, somehow not physical, but real enough. I was more curious than scared really. When it got to a crescendo of closeness it went ‘in’ to me, I experienced one of the worst feelings I have ever known. I was instantly up on my feet with my hands hugged around me, gasping in shock, some two meters from where I had been lying. An absolute doom of being hunted, stalked, gotten and terrified hit me all at once. It was an instant of crossover, where a malevolent intelligence foreign to myself entered into me.

I was experiencing psychosis for the first time.

After this I knew I needed to be fixed, but I was at my weakest physically. When I considered the medical establishment I saw a vision of myself sitting in a wheelchair in a mental hospital for the rest of my days. I knew I could not go that way and so I did the only thing I could – I decided to treat this ‘dark spirit’ on its own terms. I moved away from western medicine. Having this demonic bat guy fly into my forehead was not very nice. This was time of struggle was one of my deepest Hells. Whether or not you believe in Hell does not matter – a period of negative feelings, isolation from all things good, positive and happy in life. You can’t be reached through positive words and perspectives. This is Hell. From time to time with BP, you will find yourself here. Western medicine has some good strategies for crisis, but sometimes when you are in Hell you are untouchable in a way, and you need to ride it out. As far as crisis goes, I would recommend seeking help and telling your loved ones, particularly if you feel you may harm yourself or others. I suppose to make this make sense I should say – get help if you can, but try to rise out of hell in your way and on your own terms, because it is only your own change of perspective that makes it really change.

“From time to time you will find yourself in Hell (and when you rise, you may just have knowledge to share with the masses ;).”

After this time I became more and more into things like Traditional Chinese Medicine Theory (which I had the pleasure of studying a little), Ayurveda theory (I also studied a little of this at Melbourne Uni) and mystical knowledge in general. I began to learn that the old ways were the good ways and that energy was real and that what I believed, even if it was subconscious, influenced my life. Over time I took myself off anti-depressants and began to train in holistic bodywork. There is no doubt that some of the things and ways we experience are special. Many people with this condition are amazing artists, very intelligent and/or have a deep spiritual affinity with nature. Perceptually, our highs have the power to create masterpieces and set humanity free. They are also keys to unlocking multi-layered perception. And there is also this: the capacity to be aware of the dark side can be a precursor to wisdom, because you think deeply about what people usually hide from themselves. One thing I know is you’ve got to cherish the good sides of BP, because they help so much in accepting yourself and living with all the down-sides of the condition.

“The capacity to be aware of the dark side can be a precursor to wisdom.”

4 years after my experience with the ultra-violet bat was the time I truly held the Holy Grail in my hands. This year I had broken my focus, which for many years had been self healing and writing/music in equal measures. This year I realized I wanted to be a truly good, truly spiritual person, and not just a powerful intuitive (someone who can read people really well) like my holistic bodywork teacher had been (I had a falling out with this person, which was very upsetting t the time). I dropped everything and focused just on healing and spiritual purification. I was homeless for half this year, but the daily discipline kept me anchored. By the middle of the year I had used willful intent (‘white magic’) to get an amazing, mansion like house in the outer hills of Melbourne, despite having little money. It was a beautiful place and I felt triumphant. I also had a routine and felt really positive about a lot of things. The purification had paid off in other words. Then something happened in no way I expected – a novel came. It came in two parts – first over a week in my family home (before I had my own place), then secondly in my new rental house, 5 weeks later. It was a 6 week process whereby I wrote an entire manuscript in 13.5 days. The time I really held the Holy Grail was the week where I channeled the second half of the novel. Following invisible guidance I wrote from 10 to 3 each day and otherwise went about my business. The writing turned on and off like a tap. After finishing a chapter, I would start to wonder what would happen next. Before finishing the thought, the words would start coming through. I felt this guidance would never leave me. Never. I felt connected and masterful in all that I did: I spoke with beings who delivered on promises, met new people, was surrounded by very attractive women, had people over to my house for holistic therapy sessions, and was on the way to becoming a famous writer – my long cherished dream. I felt I had finally been delivered.

“If possible, exploit your mania into productivity…(If safe)”

Little did I know the ‘guidance’ I had that had allowed me to write the novel and promised me a wide and imminent release of this piece of fiction soon petered out, (I told them to piss off, I believe, as more and more promises remained undelivered) and I ended up in a despairing nothingness with impaired digestion for some four or five weeks. This also is general: when you have this condition, your constitution has a significant displacement in natural order of the body’s energy and its self regulating systems. The whole way of BP seems unfair, but I think the above is the reason why.

“When you have this condition, your constitution has a significant displacement in natural order of the body’s energy and its self regulating systems.”

The year I wrote my novel, I had been under the guidance of an older woman. A lot of the purification and exercises I did where thought up by her or traditions that she prescribed based on healing wisdom. By this time in my life, I had experienced significant improvements in health, largely by my beliefs and their relationship to my body. I did this through holistic body work. With this unexpected artistic experience I had learnt to ride the high waves really well. You could say the focus of my will was honed in this way. Well, after getting depressed over the novel experience, she came and met me at my home. She insisted that what I was actually searching for was neutrality. I thought she may be mad at the time – afterall, as I knew, I would soon end the quest of my life holding the Grail (perhaps placing it in the trophy room in my modern day palace) with a burning high that would last until the end of my days. I would dazzle and entertain people, write several masterpieces (combining opera, metal-rock, literature and interactive multi-media visual arts in ways unconceived by humankind before) at once and perhaps never need to sleep again, having four or five girlfriends’ in the process. I would be successful, rich, and superhuman. But after the book, I was somewhat baffled. I think I was ready to listen. She said that she had been high many times. The problem she said was the polarity of the thing – the see-saw that, in our folly of humanity, we could not help riding. She said highs brought Hell afterwards – lows, and she said lows brought Heaven afterward (because it was the only way you could manage to climb out again) – highs. I actually listened this time and began to consider that neutrality may be the goal, not mania. It was a huge challenge given that chasing the ‘high’ feels magical and powerful and profound and amazing and the other one like forgetting everything you have ever gained, changing your name to Tony Smith and getting a factory line job…but slowly my goal shifted.

Our bodies don’t know how to keep balance – that’s why we go up and down without significant medication or at least high effort on our part. I survived quite few years without medication, but my quality of life was somewhat questionable, and after the novel – when I really, truly, that one time, held the Grail unimpeded, I began to observe my highs and lows with increasing objectivity and detachment. I began to Drop the Hoy Grail. The nature of life conspires to reflect back to us what we hold inside. I suppose I could say, looking back, that this neutrality slowly came to me and deepened through the years, but there was also grief related to letting go of my hard gained self identity as someone who could work the manic-magic. I wasn’t easy, but I am so glad I went that way now.

Now we arrive at the best part (I think). This is all the stuff I have learnt about how to think about BP so that I can find the neutral point that was and is missing (but is there in my life more than ever). If you feel you could benefit, please read on. I’ll be fairly blunt with the points. Don’t try to digest them all at once. I imagine you could read one point and come back to it later, and maybe try to take in the other points later.

In a way there is only two states ruling the body – fire and water, hot and cold, which relates back to day and night. FIRE is active and rules the day (the light of the sun being thought fire) and WATER passive and draws us into sleep at night. Too much fire is mania and too much water depression. There is water within the FIRE and fire within the WATER (if this is breaking your brain look below). Breaking this down – FIRE and WATER are the 2 ruling elements (existing on the 1st level), and ‘Fire’ and ‘Water’ are the secondary elements (existing on the second) that are inside the ruling ones:

FIRE

WATER

Fire inside WATER

                                            Water inside FIRE

So how does this work? Well, the Water inside FIRE is calming, like a natural pill to bring down mania. The Fire inside WATER is a driving force that allows you to have motivation and feel it is possible to handle the earth with all its shocks, challenges and day to day struggles. It is also things like sexual energy and the energy we use to exercise. You can go further with this metaphor and look at mania and depression - if the FIRE draws all the energy from the WATER (mania), all that is left is ashes and the stagnant emptiness of cold, non-moving water (burn out). If the WATER puts out the fire all that is left is a state without the will to live (depression). FIRE is the heart (also the mind) and WATER the kidneys (also the brain). The mind is the perceptual part of the brain, which is physical, so the two are connected very deep. When we have BP we experience cycles of FIRE going beyond proper control of the WATER, making WATER take over the FIRE. In some ways, our fiery nature oppresses our watery nature. Then, when our fiery nature has had its way with the watery, it leaves it lying there damaged in the mud.

Hence we go from mania to depression.

Well, nice metaphors, but what to do?

There are Counter-Measures in constitutional matters, and Pro-Measures. For example, it is winter here. A counter measure is warming up water to drink, bathe, and wearing extra clothing. A pro-measure is to take off clothing so that one can soak in the soothing coolness. If one is prone to cold, this may be impossible, but if one has a hot and dry constitution, it may be favorable. Firstly consider that mint is cooling and chili is heating. If your fires are burning high, spicy food will likely make them burn higher. Ginger tea may not because it is a deep, nourishing heat, but caffeine likely will, because it is an empty, irritating heat on the system. (As an example of how I think, if I am a bit manic and want to exploit it, I will probably feel like a strong coffee, but instead drink strong ginger tea because it will make me stable enough to get a lot of creative work done). Sitting for hours next to a computer will likely heat you and irritate you also. If you want to cool down, what would you do?

Most people will not be able to answer this question, and that is not your fault. We are not educated in the natural.

Lemon in cool water. Standing with bare feet on the grass. Spirilina. Mint tea. Swimming in the ocean. Lying on the Earth and breathing deep. Sitting down under a very big, old tree. There is also the fact (as I hinted above with my coffee vs. ginger tea example) – cruel as it may be, that our pathology (fiery manic state) is addicted to its own nature. It wants you to ramp up on more pathological heat. It feeds it. If your pathology is cold and damp, it probably wants you to eat a whole bunch of sugar and then not have enough energy to stay awake - to lie down and sleep in the middle of the day thinking ‘I just want to die’. Such is the cruel nature of pathology.

Chances are you have a long term disease which is not a recognizable disease in modern medicine. In the words of Chinese Medicine, you likely have lingering, long term pathogen. These are either heat based or cold based. Mine is heat based. Chances are you also have weak kidneys. Kidneys are the deepest energy in the body (ruling life-force). Probably not able to picked up by Modern Western medicine again (when I felt so weak I was dying in 2012, my kidney function test turned up A-ok!). I think one of the best things anyone with BP could do is to consult a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner and enquire about general health. These people are special – they can tell from listening to your pulse for a couple of minutes and looking at your tongue what is probably wrong with you. In my case weak kidneys revealed that I fluctuated between kidney yin deficiency (hot, sleeplessness, mania, inspiration and hard core will and good ol constipation) and kidney yang deficiency (cold, sleeping deep, depression, no will to live and shitting fine). Kidney Yin is like kidney-WATER, and kidney yang like Kidney FIRE – this is a simplification, but it will do here. I had what is called a chronic condition, and it is recognizable as Irritable Bowel syndrome in Western Medicine. Fluctuating digestive issues is usually just a part of a whole psychology going on, but Western medicine doesn’t do interrelationship very well. This kidney/IBS knowledge provided a neat correlation for me with the ups and downs being the two kind of kidney weakness. I have been on Traditional Chinese Medicine herbs for half a year now and can honestly say they have changed my life. I have never been so calm and grounded. I don’t believe this will happen for everyone, but it may – and it is worth finding someone who can give you such knowledge.

“Make your hobbies healthy.”

Many things our modern society calls hobbies are actually escapism. Your hobbies should be healthy – they should make you feel good and more connected to life. Learn to heal yourself. Many problems we have are shock and trauma that are stored in our systems from the time/s they happened. When you get the power to let this go, there is so much more energy available and you feel so much better. There is more holistic healing stuff going on out there than ever. Find something you like and do it. If it is worth doing, chances are it will cost money. Do it anyway – think like this – am I worth investing in? Or, if you are in a position where this is impossible, read books on Adaptogens (which are herbs that can help everyone, absolutely everyone and are more widely available than ever), take a basic course in Naturopahy or read David Frawley (author) on Ayurveda. If you like plants, grow herbs. If you like nature, take walks and meditate. Get out there and make the things you love the things that make you happy and healthy – I think this is the insight that has allowed me to rise from the mire and continue to do so.

To finish:

“When you hold the Grail in your hand don’t let them convince you it has no magic, but eventually, over time, realize that this is not a natural way. Your core energy is disturbed or may have never been there – through inheritance, illness, shock or at an inner death from the brutal state of the world. This core energy, although you may never have an abundance of it, can improve. Illness and shock can leave the body, you can rise to life and meet it on its own terms, and calm can return to the mind and emotions.“

Links

Scizandra berries - http://www.dragonherbs.com/prodinfo.asp?number=548

Ayurveda - Ayurveda Nature’s Medicine by Dr. David Frawley and Dr. Subash Ranade: http://www.amazon.com/Ayurveda-Natures-Medicine-David-Frawley/dp/0914955950

Adaptogens – Adaptogens: Herbs for Strength, Stamina and Stress Relief by David Winston and Steven Maimes: http://www.amazon.com/Adaptogens-Strength-Stamina-Stress-Relief/dp/1594771588

GAPS: Started by a Doctor who looked into the diet-mental health connection. Gut and Psychology Syndrome http://gapsaustralia.com.au/

 Email: wwartrevolution@gmail.com

[cjwriter]

Instinct Vs. Intelligence

Intelligence opportunistically shifts through the baseplate of instinct.

That’s who we are, the highest order of how we operate.

Our folly is in that we choose to believe our intelligence superior – “we can be anything we imagine, we create life through the baseplate of our beliefs, as you will, so you are.” These ‘new age’ ideas imply that if only we knew the right things, we could control the creative currents of life itself.

I don’t know what happened to make us this way, or why life went in this direction with its creation of us either, I can just read the dynamics underneath the game.

Instinct is the driver

Intelligence only turns the wheel.

And it’s right there in front of your eyes – a television show comes to mind, Stranger Things, about a young girl with psychic and telekinetic powers. When we watch, many of us indulge in thinking and imagining having these ‘superpowers’ like her, but the reality is she strains and even passes out from exhaustion when she uses this power. Her nose bleeds everytime she accesses this ‘special’ part of herself. And perhaps even more to the point - it is only when her passion, the core of the instinctual life force is aroused, that the power manifests. She can’t just mildly sit there and ‘turn it on.’ It is her instinct, the driver, who makes the superpower possible – and her instinct is marked and strained by it living inside her.

Good show. Retro 80s style and about secret military corruption.

You see, it is actually a very immature position that seeks and desires the glorification of intelligence above what makes us a part of the Earth, and human at our core. For think, if a single mother, without much money listened to logic (her intelligence), she would leave her child because it was too hard. (Even saying this seems to break something so sacred. I would be socially punished for saying such a thing, more than likely).

The reason she perseveres and rears her child, with love and affection, is instinctual. The sacred thing that we act from but never name -

Instinct the driver.

Leave your imaginings and desires to escape, your fantasies that spring from an immature, distorted culture. Live here, inside your core, your body.

For intelligence can only turn the wheel.

There is no

As above, so below;

For below is so much greater than above.

Instinct the Nurturer, Intelligence the Adventurer.

A wise man once said to me, our intelligence belongs inside the core of us, home within itself, coming to terms with whatever is presented.

But culture makes an adventurer of this heart, this sentience, this intelligence. It wants to make it an acrobat, to flip and walk tightropes, to risk its life in the expansion of self. And it asks this of you daily.

Have you ever come to terms with the fact that you can never be in two places (or more) at once? Or do you spend your days, split in 3, emotionally in the past, conceptually in the future, in a frayed and distorted present?

If you find instinct, you will realise that where you are is lucky, and folly. The thread of survival, of the species’ continuance has brought you here. Imagination and novelty mark us distinct from the animal kingdom – and here we have arrived. For you have money and can do things our ancestors only dreamed. In an ancestral sense, you’re a child set free in the heart of Disneyland. But you also belong to a world of folly, where the impulse of freedom to express capital is driver of a train to our own extinction. We are destroying the planet.

The paradox, the irony.

For in our capacity for novelty, with our soaring imaginations, we could never have conceived this folly.

Here we stand, in a place of Butterflies and Necrosis; Butterflies fly from the heart of our inner child, where we command our desires to life, day by day, but Necrosis tears at us in a larger sense – mass extinction on the cards through damaging the very fabric of reality we inhabit. Where once all was green and tribes were divided, the arid spreading of civilisation continues, consuming all in its wake, without check.

And that is where you are, I am.

That is Earth, the reality we know – Butterflies and Necrosis.

Butterflies, and Necrosis.

Chris-James Melchizedek

[cjwriter]

Liquid Philosophers

The Ancients carved the pathways of our language sense into stone.

How these ancient-chisels came to be here, embedded in our sky-world as tablets of truth, no one quite knows

But what I do know is that these Ancient currents are no longer pulling us back.

Something greater is pulling is forward: the promise of our own power.

The birth of inner space, like currents of nectar emerging from the womb of the Great Mother.

The ‘philosophers stone’ is a concept I am familiar with, because it is words that have described the alchemist (seeker of truth’s) quest to find the ultimate knowledge. It is the desire to find the still-point, the nexus of karmic resolve, the ultimate gravity that the Ancients set up for us to experience as Grace, transcendence, and power.

Unconsciously, as a young man in teens and twenties, I took to this quest with unrestrained conviction.

There is nothing wrong with truth seeking, only with binding ones essence to truth carved in stone, to the archaic outer-space of the Ancients intent.

Outer space has been mapped. There is nothing more to ground conclusion upon. Inner space is being born

Stone is an echo of Earth; the element that ties all else together, the gravity of our forms. Here we are, spirits - animal-sentience embodied here (however you want to define it spirit/soul/essence/consciousness). The material world that is our home has the appearance of concrete solidity.

This is the essence of Earth, of stone.

But I am being pulled on a new current – the washing, cleansing, emotive and often terrifying pull of Water.

Like the kiss of a woman’s womb when she makes you know she is wise because she births life.

Truth is liquid

My sight, which sees truth and imbibes itself not on, but with life, as inner space. I am becoming a liquid philosopher.

The act of realising truth is not finding a carving on stone – and all that poetically implies. It is seeing geometries dance through water, cohere into beautiful symmetry, touch our heart with their/it’s essence, then watching them flow on down the river.

But I want to go the old way!

So much, so many times...every day!

I want the gravity of stone, to attach myself to the fixed and clear truth of those ancient tablets – the laws set in stone at the beginning of time.

And so again and again I find not only the stunning beauty of water in motion, of my cells alive with the ongoing dance of life, but also the weight of my attachments, the stones pulling me down.

Some days I even drown.

But the water always receives me again.

There is pain, joy, and a sense of being torn apart to birth new life – perhaps something like what a woman may go through to give birth.

The Water is here, with us, as an invitation to find our power, the dawn of inner space.

Let us dance on the currents of this beautiful, burning, dancing symmetry.

Let us become liquid philosophers.

[cjwriter]

Love of the South

 When the love of South

Lands warm within me,

And the still, clear dream of Earth touches skies,

Innocent currents

Carry the cries of the past

As childhood joy remembered.

The glistening dance of homeward lands,

Makes itself known again;

Not as toil and pain,

But the touch and promise of magic,

Comfort and simplicity.

 If our fates cry our misery,

Does our destiny dance the skies alive?

 Destiny in clear green leaves,

Drenched in the essence of stars.

Destiny in magic forests,

In 3-tiered life,

Space dancing through the night.

Destiny in crystal waters,

Overflowing granite sentinels,

Winding like graceful serpents,

Down twining bird filled arcs;

Destiny in belonging,

To family greater than blood,

Where in a flood of heart, respect and integrity,

We were brought to our knees by tears.

 And yet it was fate that brought me here,

That driving of pain to the mountaintop.

The weight of the South:

Fate in ambition.

So much ambition,

Carved in stone,

Like memory engraved

To bone.

 Oh South,

How I carried you all these years,

A burden like lead upon my shoulders,

A pulsing brilliance that burnt like the Sun into my brain

And made me wonder why I had so much pain.

So much fear and woe to this place that birthed me,

Earthed me,

And brought me here.

 Oh great South.

I wanted the best of what we had,

And many times even more,

But as nature told me once,

“Seek the valley, not the mountain,”

Lest you end up forever poor.

 And so I let destiny sweep and shift,

Changing me into its pulsing flow.

Oh, where will we go?

Although ultimately, destiny is a mystery,

One thing I know – we’ll go next to Bendigo.

[cjwriter]

The Geomantrix

Here is a poem which is my attempt to mythopoetically capture human evolution. ‘Evolution’ is the sense of a deep vision of the human mystery and journey - not scientific or christian etc.

1. There was a blooming, Into life. We hovered through spaces echoing our sense, Suspended, weightless; In sentience’s mystery. To touch was to know, To feel was to be. Kinship hovered about us, Death told us who to touch Without thought. Safeguarded in essence, We dwelt here forever.

2. Until it came. Who knows how? This cresting wave, This building event, Alien to our sense, Like an omen of missing light; A cloud outshining the moon.

Through evolution’s vortex we dawned. Some danced, Some fought, Others were ground to dust by this great force; But One we became, Emerging with higher thought, in re-fashioned space. Where nothing was, outside was born. Where All was, inside became possible. What was One, Was now three

3. Who knows how we came here? Fashioned by a dance greater Than the nature of our home. We wore the mask of that wounded dragon, It’s legacy reaching forward, Backward and inward to refashion chaos’ mask Into the One. Through division we have shone, A timeless wheel of geomantric spin, Cohering in multiples to witness itself Shedding a skin. Free to express Through eternity.

CJM @ eternalmotherpublications@gmail.com

[cjwriter]

The Geomantrix

Here is a poem which is my attempt to mythopoetically capture human evolution. ‘Evolution’ is the sense of a deep vision of the human mystery and journey - not scientific or christian etc.

1. There was a blooming, Into life. We hovered through spaces echoing our sense, Suspended, weightless; In sentience’s mystery. To touch was to know, To feel was to be. Kinship hovered about us, Death told us who to touch Without thought. Safeguarded in essence, We dwelt here forever.

2. Until it came. Who knows how? This cresting wave, This building event, Alien to our sense, Like an omen of missing light; A cloud outshining the moon.

Through evolution’s vortex we dawned. Some danced, Some fought, Others were ground to dust by this great force; But One we became, Emerging with higher thought, in re-fashioned space. Where nothing was, outside was born. Where All was, inside became possible. What was One, Was now three

3. Who knows how we came here? Fashioned by a dance greater Than the nature of our home. We wore the mask of that wounded dragon, It’s legacy reaching forward, Backward and inward to refashion chaos’ mask Into the One. Through division we have shone, A timeless wheel of geomantric spin, Cohering in multiples to witness itself Shedding a skin. Free to express Through eternity.

CJM @ eternalmotherpublications@gmail.com

[cjwriter]

The Geomantrix

Here is a poem which is my attempt to mythopoetically capture human evolution. ‘Evolution’ is the sense of a deep vision of the human mystery and journey - not scientific or christian etc.

1. There was a blooming, Into life. We hovered through spaces echoing our sense, Suspended, weightless; In sentience’s mystery. To touch was to know, To feel was to be. Kinship hovered about us, Death told us who to touch Without thought. Safeguarded in essence, We dwelt here forever.

2. Until it came. Who knows how? This cresting wave, This building event, Alien to our sense, Like an omen of missing light; A cloud outshining the moon.

Through evolution’s vortex we dawned. Some danced, Some fought, Others were ground to dust by this great force; But One we became, Emerging with higher thought, in re-fashioned space. Where nothing was, outside was born. Where All was, inside became possible. What was One, Was now three

3. Who knows how we came here? Fashioned by a dance greater Than the nature of our home. We wore the mask of that wounded dragon, It’s legacy reaching forward, Backward and inward to refashion chaos’ mask Into the One. Through division we have shone, A timeless wheel of geomantric spin, Cohering in multiples to witness itself Shedding a skin. Free to express Through eternity.

CJM @ eternalmotherpublications@gmail.com

[cjwriter]

My 'Visual' Artistry

I had an experience years ago that changed me forever. There is a collection of myths in native Australia about the Shamans being swallowed by the rainbow serpent. I daresay this happened to me. The human world disappeared and all that was left was the spiritual world. I wandered through this place for a long time and it was only 8 or so years later that I really integrated it.

But it wasn’t just empty. I was also being shown something - initiated somehow. There was a sense that symbols echoed our DNA, our biology, our very fabric.

As time went on I used my hand at mapping some very subtle, spiritual things. I became very interested with the idea of symbolizing truth and and also generating maps for spiritual development. I drew, painted (a little) - but mostly I just gained clarity in how to symbolize, and thus give understanding to subtle things in our reality. I came to know this as ‘spiritual-conceptual-design.’

Eluvius, my novel’s front cover

When I was working on this novel we hadn’t reached the Mayan end of time date - 21/12/2012. I was very interested in the notion of the galactic alignment. As I found through research, the Galactic center is aligned with a place in the stars loosely between Sagittarius and Scorpio (you can actually view it at the right time of the year in the right place through Saggitarius A). This is an Australian book so I wanted to emphasize Australia’s connection to this 2012 galactic alignment phenomenon, which I imagined and conceptualized as a volt of earth kundalini shooting from Ayers Rock/Uluru up to a pinnacle which then flattened out and filled the sky in rainbow energy. The rock is in the Galactic Alignment position - between the two constellations. Conceptually I designed this and then Giouse Prochilo of Metafork made the image. Feel free to download this image for a better look.

On the back cover I have the conceptualization of the main characters and themes in the book. My graphic designer placed the seed of life (Drunvalo Melchizedek introduced this in his early work) in the background of this image - this was not my doing. But the triangulation of characters was, as was the characters placement and the ring. The two bottom characters are the main characters in the book, and in their own very strange way, regular guys. At the top is Thoth, the ancient Egyptian God of Science and writing, and in the middle is 'Trevor’, a secret government experiment to bring the soul of God into a body. The left side, like the left side of the body symbolizes the magnetic force of attraction. The character is young and receptive to the spiritual reality projected by the electric force, symbolised by the veteran of higher dimensions, the Rev. Doctor Albaney on the right. The culmination of their spirit is Thoth, the electro-magnetic force at the top, who is an influence from the 'God-world’. Between the the men at the bottom is a line of connection that is ethereal and alive. The line to Thoth is more solid and coming from a higher place. In the fourth and more mysterious position - in many ways the sum of all the other three, the center point of the triangle lays Trevor, the mysterious God man who has relationships with both above and below. At one point he comes from being with Thoth to visit the men in 'our world’.

As for the book itself - unfortunately the printers went bankrupt after my initial print-run. Eventually, when I have the energy, time and resources I will re-print it. I do have some sample chapters which I can send your way if you are interested at eternalmotherpublications@gmail.comCJM

[cjwriter]

The Concept of the Eternal Mother

In my early twenties and late teens I was on an intense quest to understand truth and grasp life’s puzzles. Motivated by frail health, I moved away, slowly but surely, from the skeptical, science-based programming of culture to embrace a more holistic and ancient minded sense. Through experience I was shown that things like chi and chakras existed.

Looking back, I think my deeper sense of purpose and continuity stepped down into my life (you could call my ‘soul’, I guess) when I got remarkably ill at age 18. I lost ten kilos in about six weeks, and probably experienced a rush of ancient survival impetus, being propelled on by the oncoming force of death. After this time-period, I became psychic and also channeled artistic inspiration from far beyond the confines of my conscious abilities.

My intellectual capacity also expanded at a remarkably fast rate.

By the time I was 24, I had done a lot of healing. I was much better health wise, but also equally programmed by the new-age spiritual fields. I believed that life had behind it a spiritual purpose, and that each person’s life should be a heroic quest to understand then ground this purpose into reality. I also soaked in a lot of modern ‘mystery school’ and theosophical material. This eventually landed me in dogma – believing that life had behind it an ordered spiritual system based on dimensional hierarchy (ascended masters, dimensional levels etc.) aka J.J. Hurtak, Alice Bailey, Helena Blavatsky and so forth. I had also gone through a lot of exploration of my family and genetics – who were not Christian, and wondered why they were atheists who believed in nothing when life had the capacity to be so profound and magical.

What I did not understand at the time was that life showed my parents magic – and the reason they perhaps didn’t share this with me was that they were elevated beyond words when these kind of events happened to them. They were not unspiritual, closed hearted atheists, just anti-church. Very early on they saw the corruption of their peers through church and other Abrahmic religions.

My quest to understand my family and deeper sense of self eventually led to me recognizing that they were all spiritual in a very humble way, and that they did not need to seek. They were also somewhat celtic, or indigenous British Isles in their ‘religious’ sense.

In 2010, I was in the process of publishing my first novel, Eluvius. Like many writers (aussie and otherwise), I could not get a publishing contract. I decided to self-publish, and had just began to think of names for my publishing company. I recall I was at Orrylle Defenestrate Bascule’s (Melbourne writer, artist and musician) art exhibition in Fitzroy Melbourne, at the time, playing music on a solo acoustic guitar. I played a bunch of mainly my own tunes, including one I wrote at age 19 called The Eternal Mother.

I had been going through ridiculous names like ‘Quantuum Geomantric Publications,’ and ‘Green-light-Shakti,’ trying to distill the intensity and purpose of my writing aspirations into the name. But the notion of ‘the eternal mother’ came from the sidelines and seemed to sum everything up perfectly; all that had been revealed to me about the nature of reality.

Hence I named my sole trading Publishing company, Eternal Mother Publications.

It was a spiritual truth we all shared, I believe – although it has become a hidden one. It was, and often remains hidden, because we are conquered. All indeginous traditions felt the sense of the Eternal Mother. It is just our human nature, aligned with planet and conjoined with itself, spiritually expressed.

Historically speaking, we have all had to wear the religion that the conquerors gave us (whoever they may have been), and that is why we started fashioning mansions for the Gods in the sky, forgetting their place within us. But within our natures lived – and still lives, under all the conquering and conditioning, the knowing of the eternal mother.

Pragmatically, getting this back is a remarkably noble, yet painful quest (in my and others I journeyed with’s experience, at least) – but I do have an exercise in another blog that assists in getting back the lost neural pathways (see An Inner Revolution, Thinking with your Whole Brain).

Next came the symbol itself. Being into sacred geometry and the like, I knew that language was regarded as the ‘air’ element. I also knew, that in mystery school tradition, it was symbolized by the octahedron – the real time, 8 sided diamond. There is, of course, the merkaba which is a combination of the two tetrahedrons, representing fire. But I had not seen the combination of the octahedrons in this way. So I placed two of them together.

I realised, at this point, that my publishing logo was a brandmark that stood for who I was as a writer, and also a soul. Hence, next came the heart below, and the rainbow above (the rainbow never quite made it, we could only fit 5 lines into the detail of the image at the time L I guess it can be redone in the future…)

I also put a cup, the receptive symbol inside the heart (on the image it actually looks a lot like a harp too, which I like J ). The rainbow was for the idea of global unity, the cup the notion that I was receptively in service to this quest. The two octahedrons represent a balanced use of the power of Air (historically considered a vast and remarkable power). Hence my brandmark became a commitment to my intent as an author and a human being. See below.

[cjwriter]

Poem - Paper Mache Cell

Existing on the scent of an oily rag. Sometimes I feel like I’m made out of paper mache

Where are the ancient depths that call? The tread of animal purity that echoes through the valleys and sings the body’s song? No… I have TV, mobile-waves, exhaust fumes, fluoride-water, poison food, sugared microwave dinners, houses in rows, counter-cultural culture, and cells, cells… cells Where are the waves? Do you recall the cry of the sky, feeling-watching it blaze through you as currents of knowing? Do you recall the singing rocks, the voice that will never find form but that echoes through you, pushing you past pain to know your heart again? Do you sense the pulsing valleys, the gorge crests that pull you miles down the line but leave you sitting there still, gasping in wonder at the vastness of it all? For the rhythm and beat of hoofs directed you through the Earth and sky. Spears and fishnets crafted from tree and skill, held in hand, wafted the scent of earthly rhythms. The tribes open radiance delivered you to the next camp, to discovery and elation; the next season of kinship, where living seeds of the giving trees pulsed the cry of you children’s hope as you pounded them into paste.

Do you recall?

The stillness abounding in every cell?

But my nature does not live here. I exist on the scent of an oily rag, and having so much of never enough makes my mind twist. Sometimes I think it can eat pictures, nurture my form with recipes, make houses with empty lists of instructions. Sometimes, I want to jump online and grab it all. Then I’ll have all I’ll ever need! I cry like a toddler and scream and kick things when I can’t force things to come right to me, to get my instant fix. Instructions from Google become punishing parental figures who don’t love me anymore… And where the hell is that money I ordered, anyway?                                                            :(

In this paper mache body-cell, In a technocratic, industry bred hell, I sit and wonder, watching, sometimes waiting.

But I’ve tasted the other side, and please, join me in the hope of another way.

[cjwriter]

ABC Interview for Dark Hope, Legacies Graphic Novel

As you may know artist Phillip Spinks and I have released the independent Australian Graphic novel Dark Hope, Legacies (https://www.facebook.com/darkhopecomics)

Here is an interview I did with ABC about it this week:

http://www.abc.net.au/local/stories/2014/09/22/4092533.htm?site=centralvic

CJM

[cjwriter]

Words are Magic

There is no doubt that there is something about the written word that is magical. Words dance on pages like colors on a canvas. Spoken, they convey other people's world's to us. Words both hold and convey the part of us that is subtle, mind-like, spiritual. We need to be careful of words; after-all, they can make worlds appear and disappear, or mark the difference between entering a country's borders or not.

In politics and Law, words officiate create boundaries to our lives and the mysterious sense we call time. In art they are the building blocks of plays, novels and movies. Colors are the building blocks of visual art - yes, but it is only the words that can tell us where to go to see them and in whose world's they originated.

Back through the ages it was mainly the elite that had access to words: the Bard, Politcal-Aide, Priest, Court-Jester, Doctor, Healer to the King. The significance and power of words was then felt. No one could deny these rare magical signs, omens, symbols were a powerfully mysterious force. We are all taught words as a matter of course. Literacy is more widespread than it had ever been. This is our heritage. It is easy to forget the magic.

But hear me that the magic is still there! Nothing has changed in the essence of the word, only our attitude toward it. I love the word and working with it in my life. This is my first blog about my mounting day-job: a professional writer. I write info for people for websites and promotion, create structures for programs and courses, edit documents and creative writing and am also a creative writer myself. I have written novels, comic scripts, articles, essays poetry and plays. But all that is beside the point – words are magic.

In the occult the word corresponds to the heart chakra (green), ruled by the element of Air, symbolized by the 3 dimensional diamond. It is the lower octave of the father and manifests the throat chakra (Ether/Sol element - blue) through accessing the unity of fire (gut chakra - yellow) and water (sacram chakra - orange). All of these forces are within us, lined up the spine in a rainbow line, ascending in vertical octaves. The symmetry is amazing.

Hope you enjoy the world/word.

Chris-James Melchizedek

20/9/2013