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[city-gh0st]

I’m hardly ever on here anymore but I do have other social media places I’m a lot more active in.

You can find me on my analog Instagram where I post photos of my scans. I’m new to the whole process but it’s definitely a hobby I’m passionate about!

Check me out on Instagram @shutter.gh0st

[city-gh0st]

your man doesn’t have the mental strength to caramelize onions 

[city-gh0st]

I feel like I’d lose so much if I actually decide to transition. 5/7 days I wish I did go on hormones but those 2 days is what really stops me from taking the next steps.. I still feel like my partner prefers a femme presenting partner..

[city-gh0st]

(he/they)

Felt good the other day even though my feet were screaming trying to break in these boots

[city-gh0st]

I just want all the trans ladies with bad parents to know that they’re amazing daughters, no matter what your parents said to you. You’re all strong, amazing girls who went through so much. And, I’m very proud of you all.

[city-gh0st]

honestly i think we should just start reacting to people without masks like they reacted to socks in monsters inc

[city-gh0st]

Sometimes you just need a 32oz beer on a Sunday after work

[city-gh0st]

Stop convincing yourself you’re wasting your life away. The time you’ve spent resting and healing was and is necessary. You’re not a waste of a person if you find yourself struggling right now. Healing, recovering, sitting with your pain is foundational. It’s not a waste. You are still whole.

[city-gh0st]

[city-gh0st]

Fuck it, masc off

[city-gh0st]

I think about the fitness journey I’m going through right now and how difficult it is to have a set schedule/routine for the week in regards to my workout. I know it’s possible to curate my own thats effective but it’s still so daunting without a trainer.

I’d ideally like to have a personal trainer that can both guide and educate me but having a general financial instability makes that impossible right now.. I’m hoping within the coming weeks I’ll finally find employment so my financial struggles will be somewhat better than they are now..

[city-gh0st]

I go on YouTube and my homepage feed’s algorithm is now a good amount of fitness videos. Throughout the week I’ve been watching similar kinds as a sort of both inspiration and insight on how to go about with my weight loss journey but today (a not so good day emotionally at that) I realized that diet and workout culture can be very toxic sometimes.

The first thing I noticed is that majority of these videos getting recommended to me are of cis white males. Their genetic makeup is different than those of AFAB folks. Being AFAB means that your body is more prone to storing fat rather than losing fat and gaining muscle. That’s because of child bearing purposes. The body is adapting to what we were supposed to do when we were still primitive beings, and that’s to bear children. Given that, these types of videos getting recommended to me makes me feel a mixture of jealousy and a bit of unfairness. Throughout history (and even still today), women had to work twice as hard to get where they want to be in comparison to their male counterparts and it’s a bit frustrating that that still comes into play in regards to muscle mass and losing fat. Of course this isn’t always the case and there are plenty of other factors on why that can or cannot be true but I’ve noticed that these men in these “Magical 3 month weight loss, ab gaining” videos have it good. They have testosterone to make their goals be achievable quicker. Nutrition definitely plays a big role in all that and I’m sure there are plenty of AFAB folks/women who can get the same results in the same amount of time but the fact that genetically, women are designed to be child bearing is beyond frustrating.

All in all, I’d love to just see more BIPOC trans folks doing these kinds of weight loss/muscle gain videos on youtube. Being cis is one thing that’s not relatable, but being both cis AND white is just like damn. I can’t see myself doing that.

Maybe I’m not seeing the type of content I want because I’m not searching hard enough but I still think it’s partially YouTube’s algorithm’s fault for continuing to put white folks at the front page first before BIPOC

[city-gh0st]

I gained weight on testosterone because it made me hungrier, but YMMV of course

Yo I was thinking this too 😭 it can literally go one of two ways and I know I probably don’t have control over that if I ever do go on T

[city-gh0st]

It’s been a while and to be honest, staying at home and not dressing up to go outside has made me feel really.. indifferent about my gender lately. How I want to present myself, be it masc or fem, has always been a rollercoaster for me. Majority of the time I feel like I don’t belong in either category but maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s what being non-binary or gender fluid means.

I went out to do some chores today and dropped off a package so naturally I put on my binder and a hoodie. I’m not sure if it’s because I gained weight during these past few months or if I really wore my hoodies fairly form fitting in the past but I knew that I didn’t feel good with how.. tight it was. It made my muffin top slightly pronounced and the curvyness of my waist even more defined and I just.. didn’t feel right. The dysphoria kicked in hard. The hard reality of not being where I want to be weight wise was also just as heavy and I didn’t feel good overall. I managed to get through the day and worked out a little bit after I got home. It’s time like this where I wished so badly for things to be somewhat normal again just so I can frequent the gym like I used to.

I know weight loss/goals takes time and that things like these shouldn’t be rushed but I know if I had just a LITTLE bit of T that I would reach my body type goals a little sooner

[city-gh0st]

All Black girls have good hair.

[city-gh0st]

Since I know none of yall have lost your energy for supporting black people right now, you should check out this blog with over 1000 black-owned online shops.

https://themadmommy.com/black-owned-etsy-shops/

[city-gh0st]

I think about how I have one leg in and one leg out in this closet I named “Out But Not Really”

I feel like I’m doing half the work for myself and actively avoiding the harder parts that come with this journey. I put my preferred name in my bio on social media but I don’t actively tell people it or make a huge big announcement, asking for folks to respect me and my name. It’s resulted in people being very unsure of how to address me by because they don’t know if everyone is on the same page or even just generally aware of me and my identity/name.

But having that whole big announcement is the scariest thing. From hardcore religious people putting on that endless bantering about lgbtq+ folks to women like JK Rowling who glorify and encourage outward transphobia.

That part of me that’s still inside the closet is still comfortable there. Or maybe I’m hiding.

General self image was already a problem I faced throughout my life growing up so a famous and wealthy white women and even a large population on earth disliking and even hating you for merely existing is more than just salt on a wound.

Living my life and my truth is something I’m actively working on and I’m truly grateful to finally have the means to help deal with these things through a professional. Friends, family and even a partner you trust are definitely people that have helped me figure out myself and been there when things became difficult but there’s always that explicit bias. They’re always going to want the best and care for you but talking with a therapist gives you a different and unbiased opinion on what I’m going through. Going has helped me hold myself accountable but also is slowly making me proud of the progress I’m continuing to achieve.

Maybe I am out but not really but I think that’s part of the process.