cindercia

[cindercia]

a (love) letter that i could not sent to you anymore

im sure to move away, cause i can't stay any longer in my own room without thinking of you and it never failed to not made me cry.

[cindercia]

a (love) letter that i could not sent to you anymore

this evening, im staying at my room, watch the door while hoping that you would come and hug me, and tell me everything's okay. but, it just only in my dreams.

[cindercia]

a (love) letter that i could not sent to you anymore

it's sadder when i know that you won't meet me nor coming to my place anymore.

[cindercia]

a (love) letter that i could not sent to you anymore

i miss you. im not that brave to send this to you but i really do. it hurts me because everything remember of you, i want to hug you so much. i want to talking to you, calling you, see your photos, knowing everything what you do even you're doing the same routine every day. i want to know you.

[cindercia]

a (love) letter that i could not sent to you anymore

"i see us in every place that we’ve ever visit, on every road that we walked by, in every corner of the room that we’ve ever stopped by, the feeling that arise when those memories come up would never fail to make me smile."

but now, it made me cry.

[cindercia]

Summer, Daisy, and You

i.

i see us in every place that we’ve ever visit, on every road that we walked by, in every corner of the room that we’ve ever stopped by, the feeling that arise when those memories come up would never fail to make me smile.

ii.

the late night talking that we used to do every time we’re going out together, the laughter that comes from your mouth when i asked something weirdly, sometimes makes me wonder why you chose to getting close to me?

iii.

you call me daisy, i call you love.

iv.

do you remember the moment when we stared each other and laugh together? that made me realize i already fallin all to you.

v.

the wind getting blustery, and the rain may fall from now on bring lightning that strikes and could kept you away, yet you decide to get closer and stay with me.

vi.

why you choose me over anyone else? this stubborn girl that oftentimes made you feel mad because i act so foolish.

vii.

“i am blue” you said. the color of blue suits you perfectly, anyway. but hope that blue-ish won’t bother and drown you to the deepest ocean and poof, you vanished.

viii.

you are the sweetest and all of the romance fiction has nothing compared to you.

[cindercia]

[cindercia]

"Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke

You said, "Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello."

Please."

Aku memperhatikan seorang laki-laki di depanku yang sedang menyanyikan lagu Stay milik Mayday Parade dengan sangat khidmat. Kenapa aku bisa tahu? Seseorang pernah memberitahu lagu ini padaku tiga tahun lalu, namun sekarang ia sudah meghilang. Sebuah masa lalu yang menyakitkan tapi sekarang aku tidak peduli. Omong-omong, suaranya bagus juga.

"Nyanyinya menghayati banget mas, pengalaman ya?" aku memberanikan diri untuk bertanya sekaligus membuka percakapan, kalau memang nyambung kan lumayan untuk teman mengobrol sembari menunggu kereta menjemput dua jam lagi.

"Eh? Iya nih mbak, kebetulan lagunya pas jadi saya sekalian nyanyi. Maaf ya mbak kalau suara saya jelek."

Laki-laki yang belum kuketahui namanya itu berbalik arah menghadapku, terlihat kaget dan sedikit kikuk. Sempat kulihat handphonenya seakan tergelincir dari tangannya, untung saja refleknya bagus tadi kuperhatikan jadi iPhone dengan kamera mirip boba yang ia gunakan tidak tergores sedikit pun. Tapi kenapa juga aku harus peduli dengan perangkat elektronik seseorang?

"Santai aja mas. Suaranya bagus kok, cocok kalo jadi vokalis band." aku tersenyum lalu beberapa saat kemudian menyadari kata-kata yang kuucapkan. Bodoh sekali. Aku berusaha semaksimal mungkin agar tidak terlihat seperti memuji tapi tetap saja ia pasti tahu maksudku.

"Makasih mbak."

Ia menyunggingkan senyum kembali padaku yang hanya beberapa detik sebelum wajahnya kembali datar menatapi layar handphone di depannya. Sempat ada jeda beberapa menit sebelum ia kembali membuka mulutnya, sepertinya ingin pindah tempat karena merasa tidak nyaman dengan perempuan sepertiku yang belum kenal sudah asal memuji, walaupun aku tidak berbohong saat mengatakannya.

"Naik kereta tujuan mana mbak?"

"Semarang Tawang. Biasalah, udah mulai masuk kuliah jadi mesti balik lagi deh ke Semarang."

"Loh saya juga mau ke Semarang Tawang, naik kereta Argo Bromo Anggrek Eksekutif kan?"

Hebat juga nih orang bisa menebak dengan pas, jangan-jangan kami berdua duduk bersebelahan? Aku berusaha menghentikan pikiran anehku, terlalu klise dan seperti cerita Wattpad yang dulu sering kubaca.

"Kok tahu mas?"

"Iya, soalnya kereta yang berangkat hari ini cuma ini mana berangkatnya jam sepeuluh malam, jadi ya mau nggak mau deh."

Seperti yang kuduga anggapanku memang salah. Sudah kubilang ini tidak seperti kisah-kisah yang kubaca dulu dan ya aku setuju dengan perkataannya, kenapa sih harus berangkat jam sepuluh malam? Kaya ngga ada jam keberangkatan lain saja.

"Saya malah nggak tahu karena yang memesan tiket teman saya tadi pagi. Dapet gerbong apa mas?"

"Oh iya makasih kamu udah ngingetin. Saya hampir lupa naruh boarding pass di mana."

Segera setelah itu laki-laki yang kurang lebih memiliki tinggi 180 sentimeter ini --berdasarkan perkiraanku saja sebenarnya jadi jangan terlalu dipercaya-- membuka tas yang ia bawa, aku tidak seberapa memperhatikan karena kebetulan Ibuku mengirim pesan untuk hati-hati di jalan dan segenap pesan nasihat lainnya yang biasa ia sampaikan ketika aku akan bepergian jauh.

Belum sempat aku mengirim pesan yang telah kuketik, laki-laki ini menepuk bahuku, ia berkata sambil menunjukkan boarding pass nya yang sedikit lecek entah tertimpa apa di dalam tasnya.

"Gerbong B seat 7E nih mbak, sengaja pilih tengah-tengah karena nggak suka terlalu di depan atau terlalu di belakang."

Sejenak aku ingin tertawa mendengar jawabannya tapi tentu saja kutahan, decision makingnya lucu juga. Tapi sebentar-sebentar, tadi ia bilang gerbong B seat 7E, kan? Aku melirik boarding pass yang ada di kantong jaketku untuk melihat detail penumpang.

Crap. Kalau ia 7E, aku menempati kursi nomor 7D yang artinya kami berdua bersebelahan. Aku tidak tahu ekspresi atau perkataan apa yang harus kulontarkan untuk menjawab perkataan laki-laki ini. Padahal aku sudah senang karena kisahku tidak mirip seperti cerita remaja bergenre romantis dengan alur klise, tapi kenyataan tidak mendukung keinginanku ya.

"Kayanya kita duduk sebelahan deh, mas." kataku sambil menunjukkan boarding pass yang sudah kuambil dari kantong jaket yang kukenakan.

Herannya ia justru tersenyum, entah senang atau hanya sekadar formalitas? Aku pun tak tahu, apakah laki-laki ini menganggap aku bukan sosok yang bisa diajak berbincang? Kalau memang iya, aku tidak bisa menyalahkan juga karena kuakui pengalamanku dalam mengobrol intens dengan orang lain sangat minim, kecuali dengan teman terdekat dan pacarku dulu. Iya dulu. Memang hanya kenangan masa lalu tapi kalau saat ini dibahas pun aku tidak ragu karena sudah berhasil terlepas dari jerat yang menurutku seperti benalu itu.

"Mbak boleh jujur nggak? Saya lega bisa bertemu mbak karena itu artinya saya tidak perlu bosan dan merenungi seperti orang yang sedang mencari tujuan hidup."

Kali ini aku benar-benar tertawa, tidak lama mungkin hanya 15 detik jika dihitung menggunakan stopwatch. Sempat sedikit salah tingkah karena ia melihatku lekat, seperti baru menemukan seseorang yang telah lama hilang dan baru muncul ke permukaan setelah sekian lama.

Ingat, ini hanya pertemuan biasa, setelah tujuh jam nanti aku akan kembali bergelut dengan kesibukan serta rutinitasku dan perlahan akan melupakan kejadian ini.

"Mbak? Mbak? Nggak kesurupan kan? Saya jadi ngeri sendiri, lho."

Aku tersadar dari lamunanku dan seketika menggeleng, "Nggak, tadi kepikir aja ada sesuatu yang tertinggal di rumah atau tidak."

"Masih satu jam lagi kalau emang ada yang tertinggal, mbak bisa coba hubungi orang rumah untuk minta diantar ke sini."

"Nggak ada kok."

Sebetulnya dari tadi aku haus, tapi terlalu malu untuk berjalan sendirian ke counter tempat berjualan minuman dan makanan ringan, meskipun jaraknya tidak terlalu jauh.

"Mbak haus nggak? Saya lupa bawa air minum tadi karena diburu-buru Ayah saya. Saya izin mau ke counter depan sana, mbak sekalian mau nitip?"

"Saya ikut aja deh mas, pegel juga ini kaki duduk terus-terusan. Boleh kan?"

"Boleh. Ayo."

Apakah laki-laki ini seorang mind reader seperti yang ada di film-film? Kalau sebuah kebetulan rasanya terlalu janggal karena dari tadi apa yang ada kupikirkan --sekalipun itu hal paling klise yang kutahu-- selalu benar, tapi kalau bukan juga ini seperti terencana walaupun kami baru bertemu satu jam lalu.

Aku bangkit dan menyusul laki-laki yang sudah berjalan lebih dulu beberapa meter di depanku sambil meyakinkan diriku kalau ini bukan apa-apa. Ya baiklah, aku tidak ingin terlalu memikirkan sebuah kejadian yang berlangsung tidak sampai 12 jam ini, yang tentunya tidak akan berpengaruh apa-apa di kehidupanku. Lagian buat apa juga kan? Kami hanya dua orang asing yang kebetulan bertemu secara tidak sengaja karena aku tahu lagu yang sedang ia nyanyikan.

[cindercia]

[cindercia]

I saw you in my dream

You looked so breathtaking, and I had never seen you wearing a tuxedo until today

Brought the sunflowers bouquet —our favorite one— in your right hand while the left clean up your hair

The smile on your face seems more adorable that is still and will always be my favorite

I was standing 17 feet across from you with my father

The songs that have been prepare before were hear

We have been waiting for this since a long time ago, aren't we?

I walked and almost cried

Never thought I was in this moment for 29 years of my life.

Slow but sure I come up with you

Looking at each other and holding hands as the vow spoken alternately

It was a sweet dream. Right?

In my dream, I was with you. We are married and living happily ever after then as a family

I cried a lot

Looking at your graveyard

You are six feet under the ground now, babe

All the plans that we created before can never be realized

You leave me with all the sadness that filled up my heart

What should I do now?

Alienate me from everything

It's been two years, but I am still the same

Neither drowned nor moved on

Hoping that we will meet again later

In a different universe, in a different life

[cindercia]

Left Side

Where is the God when I need him? I confide my feelings, a fear of being abandoned, being degraded, being crestfallen, being cursed, judgment. But He never has the answer to at least, helped me pass through this. I have been searching for something since I was a kid, but I do not know what it was. Is it happiness? Quietness? Wealthy? Dignity? Luxury? Fame? Still, I do not know.

As I grew older, I asked myself, "What is the thing that you have been searching for?" I feel my body partially answer, "You will never found anything, my dear. Only dreams that will apprehend you with all the traces in the ceiling and floor. A world that you wrought with the sadness, pain, and things you left behind will conduct you to deep cliffs that no one ever knows where it is. Try to digging your tomb inside there, and again, no one will ever ask where you have been. You all alone, thinking how your life is a mess even though you try hard to prove it wrong."

Then one time, The Bliss came with a smile on his face, walking towards me as the father walked on the side of his daughter. For the first time, I felt secured and halcyon. The tears fell from my face. Finally, there is someone who looked for me, he was standing and asked, "Want you come with me?" I looked at his dark eyes as the wind flew all the sadness, my heart brimming with peace, I grabbed his hand, then he accompanied it gently, and slowly we vanished.

[cindercia]

denunciation

most people think that her life is perfect, having family who always support her no matter what

her friends think that she is a kind, friendly, social butterfly, smarts, beautiful, and all the compliments that she affords

anybody could assume that she has everything

but,

do you know that her life is not that "perfect"?

she used to be outstanding and cultivated all the time

wearing her mask properly

no one ever knows it because she covered it as well as she could

she never has wrath in her mind, as someone said

who knows?

not the person that you think nice, friendly, social butterfly, famous, et cetera

she tired to hear it and she is not used to it, actually

don't ever try her

you will get trampled with her angriness that she had kept throughout the time

she could be the most person inconceivably that you wish never to know

condemning every single phase of her life simultaneously

restraining herself while her head gets rampant

wished she can slaughter everyone who tides over her life through extortion

trying to relinquish her sadness, angriness, emptiness

trying to conquer her own fight until she can acquire the victory in her life

she is the plaintiff of herself about why this happened? why that happened?

she is the defendant of herself about, why her? from almost eight billion people in this world, why her?

if anything or anyone could atone her life, maybe she will get a serenity

relieving the shackle that hinders her happiness

until one time her head is full of malice that gave her weapon and unwittingly it could be the end of her life

the rage inside her becomes destructive and finally bursting all over her

physically, mentally

then,

she dies.

[cindercia]

Exulansis

Blood in his hand, a corpse in every view, regrets inside his soul, all the disappointments he ever felt were in his grasp. Destroy every piece of hope, spreading hatred he never imagined before. Congratulations, you've awakened the devil that exists, consumed by your idealism.

[cindercia]

My 2021 started with :

[cindercia]

2020

I couldn't remember all the things that I have done this years. For me, 2020 neither amazing nor great year because most of activity was full of coincidence and tragedy yet memorable both happiness and sadness. and yeah I'm feeling grateful that I still alive until now and finally I found my peace and ease. Thank you for all the people that always around me when I feel down and almost giving up I love you with all my heart, hope new year can be my best year even though I know I shouldn't expect more if I don't wanna get disappointment.

366/366 has been finished.

[cindercia]

Rest

I never wanted to living my life. Even in the next life, never.

[cindercia]

Peregrinate

Woke up in the midnight and then started to look around the ceiling. It was so strange, I never came into this room that every corner was colored with black . Where am I? The only thing that I remembered before I am here was I talked to my friends about our hopes. A kid that has a dream to go out from this place with walls surround it. I want to see the sea, the ridge, and other region even it is impossible. Maybe I am not as strong, smart, and persistent as them but I am sure if I tried to reach, it will happen whatever it takes. And after a while when I finally realized, the corner in this room have been turn into starlight.