ciarydia

[ciarydia]

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[ciarydia]

i found this documentary on youtube about africa’s great civilizations throughout history and it’s really good and chock full of info dispelling harmful myths and preconceptions about african societies, the first part is 2 ½ hrs long and the second part is another 2 ½ hours so there’s a solid 5 hours of content here completely for free and most of the scholars in the documentary are black african scholars and academics speaking about their own people’s history

[ciarydia]

Really hate how “mommy and daddy issues” just a jab at the child and not the parent

[ciarydia]

[ciarydia]

practicing with clip studio paint referencing this adorable edit of karin by @blksasuke !

[ciarydia]

11/17/2020

YESTERDAY (11/16/2020) WAS MY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

i do school in person and i met some teachers or whatever. the school is pretty big and like i didn’t get lost yet but i might. the school has awesome teachers.

the math teacher is pretty cool, for the first time i actually understand math. like wtf is synthetic division?? whatever the fuck it is, i understand.

i had some bald white dude that didn’t let people charge their phones in class which i really stupid. fuck is someone charging their phone gonna do??? hurt you?? stupid bald man. that’s why you don’t have any hair. he’s very particular with his words too. like he’s not that bad but at the same time i hate him and hopes his cat bites his nose off in his sleep.

for lunch i didn’t even go in the cafeteria. i just sat on a bench and waited till lunch ended. an administrator asked me if i was okay and i said yes, BUT BITCH! i was NOT okay, the very opposite of okay.

but today (11/17/2020)

i had art for second period and she saw my drawing and she liked it, which is great. but now she’s gonna expect too much from me. she also wants me to stay away from manga and cartoon styles but that sucks too. thats a form of art that should be embraced. art teachers really need to stop telling their students to not pursue the form of art that they love just because its not standard.

my next period is digital design, im learning photoshop right now and its really cool. i can’t wait to start drawing using that software. we had to use adobe sparks to make a comic and that was cool. when i first stepped in the class the teacher went “who the hell” AND WHEN I TOLD YOU I WANTED TO SCREAM. like he curses almost every sentence. so im standing there tryna tell him im a new student and there was a student standing right next to him on the other side of the desk.

this dude called her a stank booty lil girl. I FUCKING YELPED. this teacher isnt haitian and like he’s white but he uses creole words and expressions in his speech. YOOO HE ASKED ME IF I WAS SMART. LIKE DEADASS IDK AM I? but i told him that i passed all my classes and my tests and like he said i was smart. if only he knew my brain was empty.

no thoughts, only rocks.

BUT WHEN I TOLD HIM I WAS A SENIOR THAT DUDE JUST SCREAMED OUT FFUUUUUCKKKK AND HE DRAGGED IT OUT. HE HIT HIS HEAD ON THE DESK-

(bro im writing this rn in class and this nigga just sneezed next to me. he over here sniffling and shit. GO HOME PLEASE)

lunch is coming up and they do lunch by the floor levels. first lunch is first floor, second lunch is second floor and so on.

im on the third floor.

im hungry but im not gonna go to lunch.

my 6 period teacher is testing so ive been in the c.s.i room for this class the whole time. listening to them talk about sports and stuff. very boring and the football coach talks shit about everybody and it dont make any sense. THOSE ARE CHILDREN.

he also talks shit about the other football coach. and the coach also talk shit about people with anorexia, like calm down bruv.

[ciarydia]

10/20/20

i woke up this morning and thought of you. i wonder if you thought about me at all. resisting the urge to text you. to see if i was on your mind..

[ciarydia]

10/19/20

i don't usually dream. but if i did, it would be about you. i just know it would, i swear. if my thoughts when the sun is up is plagued with your being, why wouldn't it be the same in the darkest of nights?

when i blink my eyes, a brief image of you appear. it's just barely long enough for me to know its you, i swear. if all i see when i blink my eyes is you, why wouldn't it be the same for a prolonged blink?

[ciarydia]

10/19/20

i crave you. your voice, your thoughts, your presence. i crave the intimacy, warmth and happiness that comes with you. the caringness of you. the persistence, ideas and validation. the freedom that you provide with your words that wrap around my brain.

i crave the laughing, jokes and smiles. the long conversations full of meaningful nothings. i crave getting to know your little ticks, exploring your fears and you mine. the nights of wondering, pondering about the universe and the somewhat infinite space. i crave you.

[ciarydia]

10/18/20

feeling real unlovable right now. not in the platonic sense, i know there are people that “love me”. but in the romantic sense. i will never be enough for someone and that’s okay. i need to stop falling for every person that pays me attention.

im tina from bobs burger.

no one will ever love my smile. or laugh, or even my personality on a romantic level. no one will ever love me, or even like me enough to be in a relationship with me. maybe im okay with that. i know that im not worthy enough to be loved.

it doesn’t make the pain go away. it doesn’t even make it hurt less.

i should’ve just shut up. i regret saying anything. im so stupid and i kinda hate myself. im not even stable enough to date someone. probably. nor am i hot enough. definitely.

"just because it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't worth your while." -(unknown)

[ciarydia]

Actually, life is beautiful and I have time

[ciarydia]

10/17/19

my crush rejected me today. it’s fine, life goes on and it wasn’t meant to be. i can’t cry the tears i feel in my eyes? it doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

“i wonder if i could take back every “i love you” ever said to you, would i do it?” - (faraaz kazi)

i would never take them back, in that moment, when i spoke them i meant it. can i ever see myself saying it again though? absolutely not.