chxxymm

[chxxymm]

[chxxymm]

what my life feels like in taiwan

It’s like I’m running, running really fast, sometimes jumping, flying, even soaring until I fall, I’m free falling, I keep falling but I haven’t hit the ground, yet.

My mates back at home tell me I’m not missing anything, Melbourne is cold, it’s shit, it’s the same they say. Well, Taipei is hot, it’s unbearably so. Hot Melbourne weather never really made me sweat but walking to the convenience store across the street makes sweat roll down my nose and my clothes cling to my back. It’s humid and the air is suffocating, trapping you, I have trouble breathing. 

Sometimes it’s lonely, no, scrap that, it’s always lonely. I feel it at 12am, at 1am, at 2am, at 3am, at 4am, at 5am, maybe even until 6am until I finally fall asleep to the sounds of early traffic. But the loneliness doesn’t go away during the day, it’s there when I’m on the bus, it creeps up on me momentarily even when I’m surrounded by people, my friends. It’s not something that goes away with the presence of people, I wonder when it will truly go away.

I have an existential crisis almost every second day, sometimes more and they are the worst, they make me question every decision I’ve made until today, especially the ones that lead me to coming here. Morally, I’ve questioned if I’m truly a good person, or if I’m just a superficial being who does everything for my own gain. I'm not so sure anymore. 

But it’s not all bad, I’ve learned so much. In fact, what I see makes me feel ashamed, ashamed of all the things I’ve taken for granted. I’ve seen the youth here, they don’t give up, they work in conditions I would never accept in Melbourne, just to survive. 

I can’t really explain what I’m going through to any one, I think that’s why I feel so alone, some of my friends tell me to come home when they ask me how’s things and I say “kinda shitty”, but they don’t get it (and I don’t blame them). I don’t think I could ever expect myself to go through any hard ship if I can’t even do this for myself. Sometimes I imagine that in a parallel universe there must be the me that didn’t leave Melbourne. The person that will be going to Cashmere Cat and Mitski, who probably got a job promotion right now. I think about that person right now and sometimes I want to be that person, but I also know that person didn’t leave their comfort zone, that person would trade it to be me right now. 

[chxxymm]

[chxxymm]

Artists I want to see before I die

asap rocky arctic monkeys badbadnotgood ✔️ banks basenji ✔️ blood orange cashmere cat chance the rapper ✔️ childish gambino chvrches cigarettes after sex • clam’s casino ✔️ cosmo’s midnight crystal castles drake dvsn flying lotus foster the people ✔️ frank ocean g-dragon • giraffage grimes honne how to dress well the internet james blake ✔️ japanese wallpaper ✔️ joy. kanye west kaytranada kendrick lamar lorde ✔️ mark redito miguel mitski mura masa nell oscar key sung ✔️ radiohead rhye rl grime sg lewis shy girls sky ferreira ✔️ slow magic snakehips ✔️ ta-ku tame impala tennis tinashe toro y moi tory lanez wet the xx zico

[chxxymm]

Fortune Reading.

Last night I saw a fortune teller for the very first time. Interesting information ensued. Before I describe and retell what happened I think there are differences between a psychic (medium) and fortune teller but unfortunately I don't know the differences and Google just kind of left me more confused, however I'm going to refer to the person I saw as a fortune teller. According to her, to be whatever she does doesn't require a special innate ability, anyone can learn it and she paid to go to a special school for it. I am aware that there are many types of psychics and/or readings you can do in Taipei, another popular one is Tarot card reading, I'm also interested in doing that. What my fortune teller did was note down my name, date and time of my birth and with a special book she was able to tell me some things about myself (most I already knew) as well as provide and predict some things I have to take note of in the future. She began by telling me what she "knew" about me, however these things were based from the information she gathered from knowing my birth date and time, it didn't seem like she knew these things from being around me or sensing anything from my spiritual energy. Basically according to fortunes there are 5 elements; wood, fire, earth, gold and water. From the information I gathered from the session it seems that if you score in more elements you are more emotional (since you have "more personality" and maybe live a more conflicting life (not necessarily negative though.) Scores are from 0-3. Each element represents a different kind of "personality". Take everything I say with a grain of salt because it might not be 100% correct or right at all (also it's translated with my bad Chinese) but here's what I "heard" they represent: wood: heart, kindness fire: talker, respectful earth: stable, reliable gold: courageous, doesn't like to owe people water: flexible, uses their brain Most of my elements had 1s or 2s except for water, I had a 0. I also had a 3 for gold. The fortune teller said I don't like to owe people, no matter what, really true cause I hate owing people, especially money wise. As for having a 0 in water the fortune teller says I'm often lazy and I hate using my brain, she asked me if that's true and if I normally just say "okay yeah fine whatever". Other things she said were that I have irregular periods (very true) and that I should stop eating iced things (I always eat a tonne of iced things and Asian people always tell me to stop). She said that money wise I don't have to worry and that I also have a lot of luck so that as long as I work hard I will be okay. The fortune teller cost $100(NTD) to talk to you about each of 5 topics or $300 to discuss all. I paid $300 however the only topics I could understand from the board were career and relationships. In regards to relationships she said that I put utmost importance on my boyfriend (true) and that I have a lot of 桃花. I'm really sure what that means but my cousin said it means that I have a lot of male "friends" or "interests" (not really sure if she got that part right) however she said I'm really picky and I don't like people easily because of that. She said that I'll find even a slight thing I don't like about someone even if they're a probably a decent person all round. (My cousin was like omg yes) The fortune teller also said that I give off ice princess vibes and that a lot of people think I am unattainable and have my sights set too high. Whilst I've been told by people about that I'm not sure if that's really true. She said that I'll find my next boyfriend within my friendship circle, so it could be introduced by a friend and that I should go out more. (Hahahhahahahahahaa) But the absolute best part about this session was that she asked me for the birthdays of a couple of people I've dated in the past and she told me if they were good matches or not, this information wasn't news or a surprise at all though. Hahaha. But she actually was able to describe the physical attributes and personalities of both people and it was spot on. I was so surprised. I wanted to know a lot about career and whether or not any of this information was true I think the session left me more comforted in a long while. Firstly she predicted that I had recently changed jobs (true) and that it was okay to rest for the remainder of the year. She said the ideal job for me is something that involves talking. She said that as long as I find my own platform and stage to shine I will be the best off, something that I was pretty sure I already knew but the reinforcement was so good to hear. There were a few things she said I have to stop doing since they bring me bad luck. One of them was to stop eating beef and lamb which are my favourite meats. But the worst thing about this entire thing is that my unlucky colour was black so she said I should stop wearing so much black... that's literally 90% of my wardrobe. Makes me sad. In summary how I feel about fortune readings is that they still should be taken with a grain of salt. The fortune teller said that these predictions don't always come true, in fact, we should try to avoid the ones that are "bad" to not make them come true, also they change frequently. Some people pay heaps of money and go to these things regularly to the point where they depend on them out of insecurity. I think that's dangerous, also I know a lot of people are super sceptical about these things. For example, the fortune teller said that I will treat my future children really well and give them everything. I feel like that could be interpreted very vaguely because what kind of parent isn't good to their children? She also said that my parents have been spending quite a bit of money recently (they're renovating) and that it's a good thing, she also said I brought my parents a lot of money and luck the year I was born. (Hahahah) Anyway, I left feeling good regardless of whether or not these things are true because the fortune teller said mostly good things about me, since I am human I would like to believe they are true. Duh. Seriously waiting to meet the love of my life on plentyoffish.com so I can tell the fortune teller everything she said was bs. Bye.

[chxxymm]

Social Media Cleanse

I decided to delete all my social media apps until September 1st because of a few reasons. I really don't know how to explain this but I know I can't be the only person that feels unnecessary pressure to always be available. The convenience of phone technology and internet connection means that there really isn't an excuse as to why I couldn't have replied within 24 hours, let's face it, more like 12. But then what happens when I don't want to but I was clearly online and available? Is it rude? I think this sort of "anywhere, anytime" technology is a blessing and a curse for me. On one end I love being able to be reached everywhere at any time but on the other hand I feel suffocated and anxious almost. I always feel various degrees of guilty "seeing" a message and not replying, not just within the hour but for days, maybe even not at all but simultaneously liking several photos on Instagram or clearly being "active" on messenger. As I grow older and especially ever since I came to Taiwan I began to really "cbf" with small talk. To be honest, I can't hold an on going online conversation with someone every day and at this point in my life, I don't really see any need to. Nothing changed in the last week since you asked me "how are you?" and I haven't done anything different since the last 24 hours you asked me "wyd". I was telling one of my close mates this and he said what I feel is normal and that everybody has their own lives to live so I shouldn't feel bad. I don't know how to reply to some messages sometimes and it feels so forced trying to continue a conversation I'm not 100% into. When I talk to people in real life I always hope to bring some kind of entertainment whether it be by cracking a few jokes, giving/receiving advice, listening or just having a genuine conversation. I just find that unless I'm having something I feel is meaningful, I really don't want to have it. I know these are techniques and things you need to know and do as an adult and frankly I think I have no problem with doing routine or boring in real life I just don't always feel like doing the same online. I sometimes feel so shit watching my phone ring out just so that I don't have to answer it and some days I really don't reply to a single message on my phone. I guess that is one of the main reasons that prompted the deletion of my social media, at least for awhile. In real life I can go home after hanging out with my friends all day, take a breather and recoup, so I guess this is my way of doing it online. Secondly, I spend way too much time on my phone. Several times this year I honestly thought of downgrading to a non-smart phone just so I could live without one but then I realised I seriously cannot live without Google, Maps and Music, even if I still had text and call options. I spend so much time stalking and lurking, especially on Instagram and Facebook to the point where most of the information I feel like I'm consuming is just rubbish. It's like trashy celebrity gossip magazines, some temporary entertainment that kills your brain cells at the same time and is probably really emotionally unhealthy. I wanted to see if during this time with social media I could church some creative juices, maybe catch up on some reading, spend more time thinking instead of absorbing all this trash. So basically I am just trying to look out for my emotional wellbeing, in a way this might be a really extreme thing to do for some people but to me, it's just another social experiment I'm curious to see if I can handle. As someone who studied Media and Communications I might analyse a lot more things in regards to social media than your average person, however, by no means am I less affected. A lot of my friends, (mostly female but male as well) feel down after seeing celebrities, social media influences or just every day people's posts, portraying their lives in a certain way or whatever. A quote I saw when I was younger was that you should never compare your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel. After studying social media in detail and just from everything I've seen, very little people are comfortable showing anything less than the better or best parts of their lives, sadly, this can negatively affect a lot of people. (Blah blah a good selfie probably wasn't taken the first time, without a filter or some editing.) But really, I don't even want to go into that. Anyway, something I realised today is that Facebook is so convenient for tracking what bands are coming to Melbourne and as someone who goes to a lot of concerts, that's probably the thing I'm feeling most anxious about- possibly not knowing if anyone is coming to town. I'm also having trouble coordinating hang outs with people because I deleted all my apps except for Wechat and Line because I need it to talk to my ex coworkers and family. I wish I had done this earlier because apart from a few times I've really wanted to check Instagram, I've been feeling more content than ever. Well, guess it's only been one day. Let's see how I go for the rest of the month.

[chxxymm]

It was important for me to know where I came from. For awhile I struggled with identity issues i.e where did I REALLY come from? Did the origins of my birth dictate who I was or was it more about the environment I grew up in? Was it both? I wanted really badly to know because it felt like no matter where I turned to I could never fit in 100%. Recently I travelled to Meinong, Kaohshiung and I felt like the puzzles were finally piecing themselves together. That’s where and when I realised that my past and story comes long before the place that I was born (Auckland, New Zealand).

My Grandpa came from a small town in Henan, China. Just before I quit my job at CBA, my co worker had a customer with my exact same last name. He excitedly called me in when he had an appointment. It turns out they were from the same small town as my grandpa who passed away 7 years ago. They couldn’t believe they would find someone with the same last name (my last name is so rare I’ve never met anyone with it) and when they started telling me stories about the place they were from, I suddenly felt tears streaming down my face. I thought about my grandpa and how he saw his own parents being washed away in a flood and how he escaped from China and had to start his life in Taipei as a man who didn’t speak the local dialect. I never had a real conversation with him because when I was young I couldn’t understand his heavy accent but he was one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. The rest of my family on my dad’s side live in Taipei as very traditional Taiwanese people. 

My grandparents on my mom’s side were all raised and born in the small town of Meinong. Every time I go there I am always touched about how simple and pure the people there are. My grandparents own different crops and tend to them 365 days a year which has made them the tannest Asians I have ever met. When I’m there I feel very stupid. I don’t know how to describe this feeling but I think that there are certain life values and attitudes that you cannot gain from books or even the most prestigious university degrees. Time slows down in the countryside and I had a lot of time to think. I thought especially about my mother as it was her birth place and how she must have felt leaving it behind. When we are young, it seems like most people want to move to bigger cities and experience more things. A lot of people moved away from Meinong and many families sell their crops to start lives elsewhere in bigger cities. I finally understood how much of a sacrifice it must have been for her and how much of a challenge it must have been to move from Meinong to Kaohsiung to Taipei to Melbourne. I also thought about my dad who studied and got a master’s degree at RMIT and how difficult it must have been both of them to migrate to New Zealand and then Australia, more than 7,000 km away. They must have felt they didn’t fit in, too but they made it work. It puts my own identity problems into perspective and now I can understand why they didn’t want me to do this at first, but I’m glad I did.

Sometimes I think it’s important to look into your past to find out who you are. I want to travel to Henan one day and New Zealand again. Now currently living in Taipei, every day is fucking difficult. I wish I could say I was partying it up every day like what my friends think is the case. I think people romanticise these kinds of trips too much, I don’t want to burst your fantasy bubble but problems don’t magically go away when you move to another country, they multiply and expand and away from your friends and family you find yourself spending time with someone you may have neglected and not like very much, yourself. I’m spending every moment I have here reevaluating the last 23 years of my life and thinking about the next how ever many years I live. It’s hard but I think I have a little more insight about the person I am today. Honestly, I still don’t know entirely though. I’ve learned a thing or two about being grateful, being humble and being kind but at the same time it’s made me realise what a flawed human being I am. I’ve made a million mistakes and I will probably make a million more. I just want to be happy and proud of myself. I am working on that.

[chxxymm]

I’m sorry for not understanding your feelings. I’m sorry for the fights we had and deleting you from my life, you don’t know how much I regret it every day. I wish that I had made a different decision that night, the days and weeks after. I wish I had had the courage to tell you how I really felt. I wish I could still call you my friend, anything.

I generally hope that you are doing well and that you excel at everything you do. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and a stupid decision I made and that you find someone more kind, caring and compassionate, who can listen to you when you want to talk about anything or everything, when you want to share your deepest, darkest feelings. For awhile I aimlessly searched for your replacement but I never found anyone (like you). All I found were people who said they "liked" me before I felt they even knew me. Do you know what I’m trying to say? Before, I always wanted you to admit you liked me, but then you did and I realised you were right, that wasn’t the most important thing, our friendship was. I shouldn’t have ruined it. Someone like you who valued me as a person, a friend above all else was always better than someone who only likes me because of things they see on the surface. It never feels like these people know the real me. There’s so much before the filters, behind the scenes, bad habits and mood swings and fucked up thoughts and you saw it all. I know you have your new friends and as much as I don’t want to feel jealous I sometimes catch myself thinking, do they get to laugh at your jokes? Do they get texts on a Friday night to hangout? Do they get calls from you at midnight just to talk to the sunrise? I hope they appreciate your good taste in books, music and fashion, but even just how genuine, funny, kind and pure you are. Even after everything, that’s how I always saw you.

I miss you terribly, but I also remember the promise we made, so even if I pick up the phone and I want to dial, I never get past just staring at your name.

[chxxymm]

Ah. It’s the middle of July. I think about you a lot. Sometimes I ride my bike all the way to the biggest park in the city. It’s about an hour’s ride. I made a playlist, it’s called “songs to break up to” and it’s not actually as dramatic as it sounds, just a soothing selection of songs from a long time ago. It’s time like this when I’m biking in the middle of the night when I really miss home or I don’t know, maybe you as well. I shouldn’t have made rash decisions but choice lead me here. I know the choice is right but I can't help thinking about "what if". Like what if I hadn't been so weak. I like living here sometimes but nothing feels home because my bed is hard and my clothes don’t feel like me and even the image I’m portraying on social media feels fake. Unreal. That’s how being here feels like. Like I will wake up from this dream and it’ll be over. I wish I had just one person that truly understand me here, that would be enough. But that one person is several seas away and the ocean already washed everything away.

[chxxymm]

eighteen

Something that makes me irrationally nervous is replying to messages, especially the ones I don’t want to reply to.

So after talking to my friends about it it didn’t seem as irrational anymore, since I know I’m not the only one. I think this just makes me a little bit anxious sometimes and I don’t want this to come off as “omg so0o0o0o many people talk to me I can’t reply to them all because I’m TOOOOo0o0o0o popular” no, I swear to god it’s not that.

It’s kind of the feeling I get I sort of don’t want to talk to someone and they call me and I don’t want to pick up but I feel really bad that I don’t want to. Or it’s seeing someone’s message and not replying but then being afraid to like anything on FB or Instagram just in case their feelings get hurt.

I can’t deny that when someone doesn’t reply to my messages and I know they’re “active now” I get a pang of sadness sometimes, I mean, yeah they probably didn’t see it but they might also just “cbf” replying to your annoying ass. I guess I don’t really mind anymore because when I do the same, and I do it HEAPS more now that I’m in Taiwan. 

Phones in general are just such a blessing and a curse because there’s almost no reason why you couldn’t reply and sometimes, I admit I take days to reply. I feel like more than 24 hours and I owe them an apology or some half assed excuse like “I didn’t see this” (9/10 I did) because I feel like you owe them an apology for not replying. But back in the day there was no pressure to reply instantly if you were sending an email or whatever. That’s why I love talking to old(er) people because they honestly hardly ever expect you to reply right away.

Most of the time I don’t reply because I just don’t want to give a half assed “lol”, I want to sit down, feel comfortable, be in he zone and reply to your message. I think too many of those conversations with no “quality” really tire me out and make me not want to talk to people.

Speaking of which I haven’t left the house in 2 days and now I am finally getting dragged to go out by a friend. I admit sometimes I cancel on people when I feel like I can't give them my 100% or full attention. I think I stain myself too much because I want to be able to give my friends my all, I want to give them 100% quality conversations with jokes and make them feel good when they finish talking to me, which is why I avoid their messages or avoid talking to them when I am not feeling that.

Okay, this was me, checking in after quite a long time. I haven’t left the house in 2 days, and I only had to because I ran out of food and had to go to the convenience store. In a way Melbourne kept me way active because there was never a day, an hour that I wasn’t doing something. I feel like the complete opposite here. Not a bad feeling. 

Paperhentai, out. 

[chxxymm]

seventeen

Ah, sorry for the lacklustre updates. Let me try to sum up what has happened since my last (also arguably lacklustre) update.  I quit my job, I moved out, I made a couple of new friends, I went to Singapore, I became one of those unemployed people that sleeps after 3AM and wakes up after 12PM, I slept (a lot), I got lost heaps, I struggled to buy laundry detergent at the shops because I couldn’t read Chinese. Okay, stop here before this becomes another sob story.

I still think about home a lot, and my family keep asking me when I am coming home. Truthfully, I really want to sometimes but at the same time I have given myself one year and I just know that I will hate myself if I cut my stay short.

It’s hard to say exactly what I miss, but I think it’s just the little things like coming home to your own room, having a car, knowing where everything is, even buying groceries at a super market you’re familiar with, knowing more people in your city, etc.

I was talking to my ex-roommate about it and she said she did the same thing as me because the country town she lived in was so small, she felt suffocated growing up and living somewhere knowing everybody around, which was relatable because I felt the same way in Melbourne sometimes. But towards the end of her journey she realised that she missed the very same things that were annoying her before her move. And I feel the same way. I think it is very comforting to be “at home”, wherever that is for you.

So, with that being said, there is still a very long time until I go “home” but until then, I really want to make the very most of my stay here in my temporary home.

[chxxymm]

Hello friends, I went to Singapore and made a video. Pls watch, bye!

[chxxymm]

lonely for you only

[chxxymm]

sixteen - FAQ

Questions I get asked every day that I don’t want to answer anymore.

What did you study/Where did you study? Media and communications at the University of Melbourne.

Did you grow up overseas? Yes.

Why did you move to Taiwan? 3 main reasons: 1. I wanted to experience a different environment and culture and see what life outside of Melbourne was like. 2. I wanted to go back to my roots or more specifically, my parents’ roots and experience what they did growing up. 3. I craved the opportunity for personal growth and development and the challenge to see if I am able to integrate myself in Taiwanese society. What are you doing here? I am currently working in a media and advertising agency under/owned by Samsung. How good is your Chinese? The speaking is near fluent with a pretty obvious ABC accent. The reading and writing is on a primary school level, I can recognise 500-700 characters maybe. When are you coming back/When are you leaving Taiwan? The plan was a year, maybe come home by June 2018.

Have you met any new/good friends? I have made some new friends, some of them I would consider close friends already. I have to weed so hard though, I feel like in Melb I never had to seek out because I didn’t have a shortage of friends. Moving here I try to make a effort with every person or interaction I have. It’s different. 

Do you miss home? Yes if I am actively think about it but doesn’t feel like I’m really here yet, so nowadays, I don’t.