chvmomile

[chvmomile]

Someone.

I’ve been feeling very low lately. I don’t know if it’s because of lockdown, my PMS, or my ‘real’ depression saying hi again. But I’ve been feeling very lonely, and kinda worthless even? I don’t really have much motivation to do anything, and I’m procrastinating most of the time. When I do something, I overthink everything I do, and in turn, I get anxious. I also feel so empty inside and I’m kinda looking for something - or even a someone - that can fill this void. I know how dangerous it is to be so dependent on somebody to feel better and I definitely want to avoid that. But it’d be nice to just have someone I can exchange my thoughts with without the fear of their potential judgement towards me. 

[chvmomile]

Low day.

Today was one of those days where it was really hard to get out of bed. It was probably because of how tired I was because I fell asleep at 4 AM. I felt very bad about myself for not getting anything done but I really needed some rest so I cut myself some slack. I will probably regret this decision the next days because I have so much to do. But I just couldn’t get myself to sit on my desk and work. It was difficult enough for me to stay awake. 

[chvmomile]

Dear 2020.

Another year over.. I still remember when 2020 started. I was in such a bad head space because so much happened 2 months prior the new year. So many things that became so important to me in 2019 were gone - the workplace that I admired, the person i was in love with, and my goal to finish my bachelor’s degree within 4 years. I felt like a total failure and had the feeling that I’m not worthy of anything good happening to me. I lost all hope and didn’t see the point in continuing with life because I would lose all the people and the things I love anyway..

Now one year later, I’m glad that these things happened to me. It was really hard to deal with so many “losses” at the same time, especially because something similar happened to me in 2018. But I guess these kind of lessons are necessary to realise that something better is meant for me. At that time, I didn’t see that the workplace I was at was actually very toxic for me. I also prioritised other people over myself. I also recognised that I was not over the trauma that happened to me in 2018 yet, I just suppressed everything. 

The only thing I was really looking forward to in 2020 was my trip to the Philippines in January and it was one of the best ones ever. Sadly, I lost my grandma, but I’m glad that I was able to see her one last time before she passed - Rest in Paradise <3. I also finished my bachelor’s thesis while I was there, at last.. However, I was quite anxious about going back home because I didn’t have anything or anyone to come back to - no job, no uni, no significant other, nothing. I distracted myself by spending more time with my family, but I must say, I felt a little lost for a while and didn’t know what to do with myself or my life. I still felt like a total failure and I thought that I was too incapable of doing anything right. So I was also quite anxious to apply for a job. 

Then March came around and the lockdown started. It was such a disaster for so many people.. But I must say that the announcement was quite a relief to me. For the first time in a long time, I felt like the whole world was on pause and I didn’t have to pressure myself to find a job or do something what other people expect me to anymore. It was really what I personally needed. That’s when I started my mental health journey. I used that time to work on myself and find myself again. I began journaling, got really into stoicism, started being creative again, took some online courses on graphic design and began reading. I also began to practise daily gratitude which made me appreciate the little things much more. I really did everything I wanted to do. I still applied for some jobs and master’s programs, and surprisingly even received some job offers. In the end, I got rejected by all of them.

What was really life changing for me was when my friend asked me to 1) open up an agency with him (which I haven’t really worked on the last couple of months, but I will in 2021), and 2) to join Epiclay. This really changed me and my perspective about myself because I was really convinced that I wasn’t good enough for any job. Moreover, another friend asked me to do a video project with her and I felt so honoured! I started to be more appreciative of my current friends because I felt accepted and appreciated again, and I realised that there are people out there who believe in me. For the first time in forever, I felt content with myself.

Admittedly, it was still quite a rough journey for me because there were so many days where I felt really low. Oftentimes, I was very anxious because my thoughts kept telling me that what I do was not good enough and that I needed to do better. However, I never considered giving up on myself or my life. I did the best I can to just continue and go day-by-day. I was also very unhappy with my productivity because sometimes, I just didn’t have the mental capacity to do more than just one task. I beat myself up everyday for getting exhausted after doing one little thing. But I learned that I should never ever compare my productivity to other people. I just work differently than others and that’s completely fine. Now, I do what works best for me. 

Another setback for me was that love-wise, nothing really worked out. Sometimes, I feel embarassed to talk about these things because yes, I know there are more important things in life than having a significant other. But what can I do - I’m a pisces and very romantic. Love is very important to me. I got dumped so many times and that really hurt my self-esteem because I felt so unloveable and like I was too much for other people. I realised that I just have high standards and my way of showing and giving love is way too precious. Not everyone deserves the kind of love I give.  

Despite the circumstances and the difficulties I had mentally, it was one of the best years in a long time. Every day, something new and/or exciting happened and created so many memories that I hold dearly in my heart. I feel like everything I have and what I do is really meant for me - the job that I have, this time for myself AND I got accepted to one of the best master’s program in my country! I’m finally doing what I truly enjoy and passionate about. I’m also very happy with the people I have in my life and I’m thankful for those who left me because I don’t have to deal with their bullshit. But I’m also thankful for the lessons they taught me. I also accept and embrace myself much more. But most importantly, I’m ending this year with a grateful heart. 

[chvmomile]

I created this blog to have a save space to express my feelings. I’m currently on a mental health journey.. and oh, what a journey this is. There are times where I feel so awful about myself, and other times where I’m extremely motivated and just want to create something, like now. It’s currently 2:00 AM as I’m writing this. For this reason, I wanted to have a little outlet where I can write down all my thoughts - both negative and positive ones.  

Ever since I started my mental health journey, I’ve always had the urge to share my thoughts and feelings with other people to show that life is simply not perfect. We all struggle sometimes, and that’s alright. Whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. I hope that when you’re reading my posts, you feel a little bit better, or at least a little less lonely. But I’m glad you’re here and that you exist. 

So here’s to new beginnings. This is a new beginning to me because I’ve actually had Tumblr since 2011, I think. I’ve always used it to share my personal life and experiences. I probably overshared back then and said things that I should’ve kept to myself. But I’m grown up now and I understand much better how much of an impact my words could have on other people. Therefore, I’m sharing my thoughts and feelings more responsibly now. 

Welcome and enjoy!