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The Mormon Heretic Casts a Curse

So, this is a sequel piece to The Mormon Heretic and the Leviathan. @apolloendymion requested that I write some more of the stories, and this is another one. I'm going to put a trigger warning here that the story does involve partner abuse. Not from the heretic, but just... as a detail. Also, I guess, some medical stuff that involves death. It's Old Testament shit. Take it as you will.

Mormon seminary has four separate courses about the four separate parts of their canon. It’s on a constant rotation, and my particular ordering was Old Testament, then New Testament, then Book of Mormon, then Doctrine and Covenants. 

I got the Mormon Heretic for my OT year, which is 100% the best year I could have possibly got him for. And, also, absolutely the worst, because at that time I was a very orthodox Mormon, and this guy couldn’t have fucked with my brain worse if JFK’s dad gave him an icepick and a waiver. 

At that time I had an abysmal understanding of the OT, and to call my experience with it jarring would be an understatement. I learned that Elohim is a plural word. I learned that OT God itself doesn’t deny the existence of other Gods, and in fact relished challenging them to contests. The whole experience was so insane to me that I stayed after class one day to ask the teacher how he managed to bridge the divide between the OT and the NT. They're insanely different theologies, and he really refused to mince words about it.

He listened to my concerns, and I cried a little because I was fourteen and beginning to realize that there was something fundamentally wrong with the religion I was born into, and when it was all said and done he said that tomorrow he would teach the story of how he squared away the differences between OT God and NT God. 

And he did. 

I can remember having a sense that something was strange when we arrived at the building. There was a crosswalk where the exiting teenagers would pass the entering teenagers, and normally people would discuss the lesson as they passed. The group we passed just looked shell shocked. 

I sat down. The class arrived. Heretic stood up, and went to the front of the class, and he began his tale: 

He had a little sister that got married at nineteen. She then started making visits to the hospital. 

He, like his family, assumed that she was just clumsy. He was clumsy. He’d had multiple surgeries on his shoulders and his elbows and his knees because he kept doing dumb things to himself.

She was not clumsy. Her husband was beating her. 

She got a divorce. Heretic was old when the story was being told - I think in his early sixties? - and the divorce went shockingly well for the time. Sister was not blamed, husband was ostracized from both families, and life found a way to continue in its slow way. 

Heretic was, at that point, a new teacher in the Church Education System (CES). He was trying to be a spiritual guy, and teach spiritual lessons, but he just wasn’t doing a very good job because he was really, really, murderously angry with the guy that had hurt his sister. 

Sister had moved on. Or, he thought she had, he was hardly telepathic, but he felt like she’d let go and started her life anew, and her parents had supported her, and even her in laws had supported her, and things should have been easy to let go of, but they weren’t. And every day that he tried to let go, he got more and more angry, and every day he tried to pretend he was fine he ripped the wound wider, and one day he taught a spectacularly bad lesson and came home and wanted nothing more than to kill the man that had beat his sister. He instead said a prayer. I cannot quote it verbatim, but this is very, very close to what was said. “God, I know that I must forgive to be forgiven, but I want nothing more than to see that animal choke to death on his own shit.”(I know for a fact that the choke on shit part was in it. It is not a common thing to hear a seminary teacher say “shit” in the middle of class. It is also integral to the rest of the story) If this was a book, there would’ve been an immediate result, but instead Heretic felt a strange peace, grabbed ahold of it like a lifeline, and resolved to go to therapy. Which is how he got into Jungian analysis. Finding therapy in the deep South in 1980 was pretty wild. Jump cut forward to the early 2000s. Heretic has moved on. Sister is remarried. He is at peace with the world, but he gets a call from his sisters old in-laws. 

And the in-laws say that yes, they have ostracized the abuser for the last twenty years, but they got a call from him a few hours ago to please, meet him at the hospital, because he was sick. 

And the abuser was, in fact, very sick. He’d been vomiting for days. The doctors couldn’t figure out why, but they knew that at the present rate, they were running out of time. He was going to have some kind of exploratory surgery as a hail Mary, and the guy wanted a blessing first. 

And so the family had gone to Heretic, to ask him if he would be willing to bless the man that had beat his sister. It is one thing, to feel like you have forgiven someone enough to move on, and another to wish good things upon them. But Heretic had spent years and years in therapy, and he developed on an incredibly spiritual path, and he said that yes, he would bless the man before the surgery. 

And he did. 

The surgery found that the man had a benign mass in his colon. It wasn’t spreading, but it had grown large enough to prevent food from going around it. Without an exit, things had built up back to the entrance. The man was throwing up because there was nowhere else for the shit to go. Worse, during the surgery he thrown up and some of the mix had managed to drain back into the man’s lungs. He survived the knife, but the combination of fecal matter and acid inside his lungs had created an infection that he failed to survive. He drowned in his own fluids. 

He drowned in his own shit. 

Now, at that point, the class had no idea where this was going. We were a bunch of children, hearing a story about this insane divine retribution, but the Heretic continued. 

And with tears in his eyes, he told us that God had answered his original prayer only after he had fully and truly forgiven that man. That if he’d wished death on another human being in anger, in rage, and then received it, it would have damned his soul, but that as soon as he was at peace, as soon as he could wish life and love upon the man that had wronged his kin, justice could be brought down. And be believed it, with his entire heart. He spoke about how God wants to give us what we want, but that he loves us so much that we will not give it to us until we have reached the point where it is not poison to us. We will have our revenge, but only when it is meaningless to us. When the only lesson that could be grabbed from it is that God heard us the first time, and held back out of love. Then, we will see those who had wronged us choke on their shit.  

The bell rang after that, and we left the class in a daze. When we went across the crosswalk, no one spoke a word to the students crossing the opposite way. We were all too busy thinking. 

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I decided to take a risk last night and show my mom a religious meme and all she did in response was sigh deeply and say “I can’t send that to my church group chat”

The meme in question

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A long time ago I already made the decision that I was going to be one of the ones to stay in the Church. That I wouldn't just live my life for myself, but to make things easier for all the queers who come after me. To be honest, I don't know how much good I'm actually doing, but at the very least I hope that if one of the members of my ward has a kid or grandkid come out as trans, it won't be the scariest thing in the world, as they can go, "Oh, so you're like Nikolai!"

So that's why, even though I'm still terrified, I am on my way to church now through the pouring rain, wearing a pronoun pin and a pride flag. If Bishop asks to speak to me in his office, I'll respectfully tell him no, since it's not like he can force me to. If I need the bathroom, I can try to hold it, but if the baby needs changing, I'm not going to make her sit in her own stink until we get home, just because Dallin H. Oaks thinks I have less right to use the facilities than anyone else.

Wish me luck.

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From The Backwater Sermons, Jay Hulme

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it's so refreshing telling people in real life about my religion and them either engaging in an actual non-argument discussion about it or just going "ok cool"

like it's the embodiment of

people in real life: hey man how's it going

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I was listening to a podcast of Sheri Dew and Elder Holland and he talks about his musket talk at BYU. Have you listened to it? If so, what did you think about that part and how he talks about how much he's cried?

I was not aware of this, thank you for bringing it to my attention. For everyone who is interested, here's a link.

He speaks quite a bit about how this has been a tough year for him as he has lost his wife and his health challenges, he speaks a tribute to his wife, he follows this by talking about his faith in the Book of Mormon. He follows up by saying that people wrestle with questions which cause them to lose faith and he mentions race, church history, and LGBTQ issues. He says to cling to what faith you have and these other things will get sorted out.

At 34:32, Sheri Dew asks about his remarks at BYU 3 years ago, which most of us know as his musket fire talk. He speaks for 3.2 minutes about this, going to 37:52

Elder Holland said what he was trying to get across to BYU leaders to be loyal to the LDS Church's teachings, not to say things which challenge those teachings or are aimed at church leaders. He knows that some were hurt by his remarks, and that their pain hurts him and he's wept for 3 years. He's wept as he meets with BYU students who experience "gender issues." He loves them. He declared that the BYU campus is safe for everyone. He has spent hours and hours and hours meeting with "kids who struggle with gay issues."

I'm glad he was willing to speak about this, and he spends a lot of time talking about how much he's wept and how he is hurt because other people felt hurt. It's obvious he feels deeply about this.

However, his remarks left me feeling a certain way, and I don't think it's the way he hoped.

If LGBTQ students are so safe at BYU, why is he needing to meet with so many who are struggling?

How did his address to faculty and staff to defend "the doctrine of the family and defending marriage as the union of a man and a woman" help make campus more safe for queer students?

If he recognizes that his remarks hurt many, why is his speech now included in a class required of BYU freshmen?

Did he ever apologize to Matt Easton, the gay valedictorian, whom he publicly called out in his speech?

If BYU is safe for queer students, why can't they have an on-campus student group?

Why are the university's LGBTQ resources located in the Women's Services office and not in the Office of Belonging where other anti-discrimination & inclusion efforts are located?

Why was the insert of resources for LGBTQ+ BYU removed from the university newspaper last year?

I'm aware that our top LDS leaders have a policy of not apologizing. I feel that Elder Holland tries to come close to doing so in these comments. Even if he's not apologizing for defending teachings which exclude and marginalize queer people, I wish he would've said something like he wishes he phrased things in a way that was less hurtful.

I know gay individuals who have met with Elder Holland and share that he was caring, and wept with them. He is aware of the hurt and pain they experience in this church.

It sounded like this podcast episode was recorded near the beginning of August, shortly before the latest Handbook changes regarding transgender members was released. I suppose he feels hurt because of the trans members who feel hurt by the latest restrictions, and it causes him to weep. We need more than his tears.

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the thought of Jesus whittling……….. i’m soft

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It’s midnight and I feel the inexplicable urge to make a tongue-in-cheek flowchart of D&C 129 in MS Paint

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🎵 "Pioneer Miku sang as she walked, and walked, and walked, and walked..."

All my LDS/Mormon peeps out there will get the reference XD

Utah Pioneer Miku!

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Utah Miku!!!

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Anyone who thinks Jesus would be picking a political side if he showed up today has forgotten that his core followers included an anti-Rome zealot and a guy who was until then a tax collector for said Roman rulers. And he expected them to play nice and work together.

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So I went to my Bishop with my concerns about the new policies (figuring, hey, if I lose Bishop roullette and get my temple recommend taken away for criticizing the Church, it might as well be worth it), and he showed me a really interesting verse. In D&C 74, it's talking about the early Church being conflicted about children of mixed member/non-member (aka Christian and Jewish, basically) marriages, and how they were considered unclean by the Jews since they were no longer circumcised. Anyway, long story short, the Lord reveals the following:

"Wherefore, for this cause the apostle wrote unto the church, giving unto them a commandment, not of the Lord, but of himself, that a believer should not be united to an unbeliever; except the law of Moses should be done away among them"

The key to this verse is that Peter gave a commandment that was not of the Lord. We tend to attribute a lot of infallibility to our leaders in the Church, but this verse plainly says that here was the head of the Church, a prophet of God, giving a commandment of himself in order to solve what he saw as a problem for the Church.

I see this as a direct rebuke of the doctrine of prophetic infallibility, and a reassurance that the Lord lets his prophets have agency, for better or for worse. As my Bishop said, "The Lord allows agency at all levels of the Church." We also chatted about the Plan of Salvation, and how there's a plan for everyone, even if the Church doesn't acknowledge one currently. It was an incredible talk with an ecclesiastical leader, and it showed me that there is hope that the Church can and will change over time, especially as we strive to live the Two Great Commandments of God.

You've been a huge help to my testimony when it's been weak, and I hope this helps you as much as it helped me. Much love from Colorado!

Thank you for that kind note. Also, I recognize the courage it took for you to speak with your bishop.

Your bishop gave great insight, that here we have being taught in our scriptures that sometimes apostles teach their own opinions as commandments when they are actually in opposition to the Lord.

I think it's insightful to see that the Lord's way was more liberal and inclusive than the apostle thought, which reminds me of Joseph Smith's teaching that "Our Heavenly Father is more liberal in his views, and boundless in his mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive."

The LDS Church teaches that prophets and apostles are capable of error, despite being called of God and receiving revelation, which makes sense because these are imperfect men so it seems obvious they may make mistakes. If it weren't this way it would be unique in the history of the world.

However, in practice Latter-day Saints often teach that the prophet of the church literally cannot lead church members astray or teach false doctrine, as a way of emphasizing the importance of following the prophet.

I think holding up our apostles and prophets as infallible is unfair to them as it puts them in an impossible situation, it doesn't allow them to grow, it makes them less likely to correct previous errors and therefore prolongs the time we live under the incorrect teachings & policies, and it may make them cautious to act.

I agree with your bishop that there's a plan for everyone, even if the Church doesn't acknowledge this. I have siid something similar, that I believe I'm included in God's plan even if I'm not in the church's version of that plan.

I think your bishop gave some wise insight and underlines my belief that the things which are right about the church can fix the things which are wrong.

Thanks so much for sharing!💖

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hopping on the bandwagon

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The war chapters aren’t boring, they’re actually a fascinating story that teaches how fascism rises to power. But ya’ll aren’t ready for that conversation

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sweet salt model miku. special musical number miku. service project activity miku

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Just went to a dance. They had a competition for who would be the ultimate rizzler. I cannot believe I witnessed that.