chronicle-21

[chronicle-21]

My first tumblr post.

I want to discuss something that has been on my mind recently. It has bothered me deep down for many years, and the feeling of not saying anything is painful. I hope that by writing this, others are able to relate.

My high school friends were never my true friends. There. I said it. Years of never saying anything that I wanted to say to them because I was young and too nice. I was afraid of having no friends. If I ever said anything, I made the mistake of pouring my heart out on social media. Dumb mistake, but I was desperate for someone to understand.

I think part of the issue was that our families were way different raising us. My family was lower middle class, and sometimes my father did not have a job. We did not always have much money, but we got by okay. We never took true vacations or went out of state for anything. My parents scrounged at every penny to save up to send us to Disney for marching band in high school. One of my favorite memories. As teenagers, my siblings and I learned the value of money. When I turned 16, my parents made me get a job. I have worked ever since then (I’m almost 30). It was from then on that I bought everything (for the most part) myself. I felt the pain of buying things with my measly minimum wage jobs, whereas my friends had their parents pay for everything. I won’t lie, growing up I’d be a bit jealous. I never spoke of it. It was deep down. I wished that my parents would pay for everything. As an adult, I know and understand my parents situation, and I believe that it has humbled me and taught me empathy for others. My friends didn’t understand this at all. I’m glad their families had the ability to afford their lives, but I also think they did them a disservice.

Once we all graduated high school, we all went our separate ways and went to different universities. People grow and change, and that’s okay! When we first met back up on school holiday breaks, I noticed that they became, I don’t know, egotistical? Narcissistic? Full of themselves? They were all in a similar major dealing with med school, while I was getting my degree in education. I sensed that they didn’t take my major seriously. I understand that they had similar stories and class information that they were excited to share with each other, but it was all they talked about. I could never get a word in edge-wise. I felt like a third wheel. It became so that EVERYTIME we hung out, they would only talk about themselves and their classes. I just couldn’t relate. None of my classes were science or math related (or at least not on that level). It got to the point where I met them a restaurant after not seeing them for six months or more and they never talked to me or asked how I was doing. They greeted and acted like they liked seeing me, but I don’t think they cared much beyond that. I just sat there and listened. I could have interjected, but that would be rude. I could have tried to put my two cents in, but I just could not relate. It was one of the first real breaking points in our friendship that I realized that they didn’t care about me. I was beneath them.

I was sent on this downward spiral of realizing over all these years that I was: 1) Not going to fit in with them, ever. 2) Always be viewed as beneath them. And 3) They didn’t care about me truly. Let me explain. Please. I beg. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. Here’s some examples that stick out to me.

-Growing up, we would give gifts to each other and like I had mentioned, we didn’t have much money. My parents would sometimes give $20 to split between three friends for Christmas or birthdays. Sometimes it would be my paycheck money. I would often find gifts at Walmart (for example, cheap jewelry, shirts, cute accessories, etc) or places like Big Lots, or sometimes things at the mall if something was priced right. I can remember one of the friends saying, “Oh, did you get this at the dollar store?” I remember feeling embarrassed. Trying to find a gift on a budget, and I felt like a fool. It gets worse.

-I used to buy jewelry candles back when they were a craze. I loved the surprise of not knowing if you’ll get a real piece of jewelry or not. I remember I found several rings that were real stones and real silver. Not diamonds but I felt excited to have real silver and real gemstones. I wore them out to eat and one of my friends commented that they liked my rings. I explained jewelry candles. My other friend spoke up and said, “Yeah, they look like something you get from a ring candle.” I’m not here to impress you people. I was wearing it because it made me happy. Similarly, they would look at what brand purse or jacket I was wearing and comment on it. Sometimes almost implying I got it thrifting like I couldn’t just buy it full price. (I was an adult at this point and working full time).

-My high school graduation party, none of my friends came. They were all supposedly on vacation. Fine. I can’t do anything about that. Let it be known that I went to all of theirs and bought them all gifts. Better gifts than I had ever gotten them before (had a better job with more hours in school). Never got any gifts from them.

-Was a bridesmaid, in one friend’s wedding. I probably shouldn’t have agreed to do it, but I was. My others friends were bridesmaids, as well plus some of her friends from college. The bride was the one I was closest to. The whole thing with the other bridesmaids was beyond stressful. The bride had no maid of honor but one acted like they were. She was one of the friends from high school. She had us do all these super extra unnecessary things last minute. I found out later that these extra things were part of her gift! I spent hundreds on this wedding that wasn’t mine and she had the nerve to do everything free and play our hard work off as her gift because she was cheap. We had all made that gift ourselves and she had the nerve to make it her gift since it was her idea. She had her masters at that point and was working a good job. I worked at a grocery store going to school part time. I had went and took a painting class for one of my gifts that was customized. I paid $280 for a bridesmaid dress and had it fitted and seamed, plus shoes and nails. The dinner for the bachelorette party at a vineyard. -The bride may have been trying to have been nice to me when she offered to pay for my dress and then I could pay her back. I had been making payments on it since I also had my car bill, phone, and other things. It felt like a slap in the face. I guess the others girls paid theirs off in one payment and she found that out. I splurged and paid the rest of the money on it because I was embarrassed. It wasn’t like it was too outrageous to afford, but I just had other things to pay at the time. All her bridesmaids were in the medical field and came from good money. The one girl’s family owned a lake. That same girl also wouldn’t talk to me the entire time. The night of the bachelorette party, the one girl’s mom paid for our room and all the other girls got a bed. I had to sleep on the pullout couch. It was super lumpy and uncomfortable. Once again, embarrassing. I left the hotel in the middle of the night and drove home. I didn’t live far. I drove back in the morning and got brunch with them. Acted like nothing happened.

-Mid 20s: My friends were all back in town. We decided to meet back up. They decided to meet at bar in downtown. I go and they all have their significant others with them. I would have brought my boyfriend at the time if I had known. I felt like a third wheel. The bar was loud and cramped. Live music was playing. After we greeted each other, no one talked to me. I was sitting on the end and tried to conversate over the music at the bar. I had weird feelings and thought about leaving. The live music ended after a few hours. My one friend got up and went out to her car to get something. She came back in with two pretty boxes with my two other friends’ names on them. They opened them up in front of me. They had been invited to be her bridesmaids. I awkwardly sat there trying not to cry and feeling confused. These were my childhood-high school friends. I played it off like it didn’t bother me. I thought to myself, “Why invite me then?”. Stupid me stayed friends with them for several more years. I went to said friends bridal shower and wedding, like a fool. I got her nice gifts, like a fool.

-One friend has a weird thing about comparing herself to other people. I think it’s insecurity mixed with ego? I’ll explain. She always has to have the best things. A new car, a half million dollar house, private universities, the fact she’s been with her high school sweetheart who is a douchebag, honestly. They have an unhealthy relationship for various reasons. They are mostly together for (what the kids these days call) “clout”. They both have good jobs. She’s in the medical field and he was selling medical equipment last I knew. They like to bring up bad things each other did to each other in front of guests. For example, he tried to cheat on her in college, and she’ll bring it up to guilt him in front of people. “Remember when you tried to cheat on me...”. In public. They do it to each other. He lied about his political party because he was working for a politician and was trying to schmooze his way up. He later admitted he just lied to everyone and didn’t share the same the beliefs. Amongst many other things. They are married now. He wants kids, she doesn’t last I knew. They get on Facebook and use the hashtag #powercouple. Point is, she always wants to know what I’m up to. I’ve had to watch what I put on social media. I used to be more open and now I realize that people use that to judge or compare themselves to you. I don’t put where I work or where I live on there. I realized it’s nobody’s business. When I bought a house with my husband, she was wanted to know where exactly I lived so she could look up how much we bought our house for. I know this because I remembered her saying she loves to creep on people and find out things. We bought a home that we felt was affordable and had character. In high school, her and husband lived off of the high of being our grades most well-known couple. Everyone knew them together. They went to France together. They had their engagement photos done in London. She gets on Facebook for their anniversaries (how long they have been together and their wedding anniversary date) and says something like, “Can’t believe I’ve been stuck with you for 12 years. You gets on my nerves, but you’re a good cat dad to our cats. And you can cook. Haha. I love you. Or maybe I love the cats more”. Cringey.

An ending to this long story? Yes, for the most part. I want to mention that I made my own mistakes with them. I’m not perfect. I also know that I never said anything mean or degrading either. I realize that I never really spoke up to them. When I did it was because I was upset or frustrated with them. I was too worried about being alone. I was friends with these toxic people, and I eventually stopped seeing them. The last straw was seeing them on Instagram all hanging out without me. It’s fine. That’s their choice, and I wish they would have done it sooner instead of stringing me along. I’m not angry. It was my sign that we weren’t friends anymore. I deleted them off of social media. Nothing has been said to each ever since.

I want people to know that it’s okay to grow and change. It’s not okay to make others feel bad. It’s not healthy to compare and feel above others. Please don’t be afraid to speak up like I was. The fear of having no one scared me badly. Sometimes having just one good friend is better than having a group of friends. I ended up find my best friend after all of this! We’ve been best friends for six years now. It’s the most healthy and rewarding friendship I’ve ever had. We build each other up and can talk for hours! We don’t judge each at all. We love the simplicity in our lives.

I really just wanted to vent. I hope other people have similar stories to me. Feel free to share.