christinamariehollis

[christinamariehollis]

Definition of Love.

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. But that’s the thing. Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end, or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn’t her or him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It’s not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it’s not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s her standing there, admitting she’s just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and saying, here. Do what you will. Mash it into a million pieces, mash it into meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. Just as long as you have it. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it’s a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.

[christinamariehollis]

when i tell you that the ocean isn't infinite it just looks like it is, what I am really trying to say is: this pain won't last forever, it just feels like it will.

[christinamariehollis]

Icarus

They tell me I’m fussy; with lovers, with books, with music. I tell them that I would rather freeze than be lukewarm. I tell them that if it doesn’t set me on fire, then no thank you. I don’t want it. It’s taken me years to confess that I would rather be alone than settle. The truth is, I cannot stand the taste of in-betweens. Half-measures will never be part of me and contentment will never be my currency. If it cannot fill me up to the brim, I don’t see the point of it. I want all or nothing and I’m okay with it. And they say, “Girl, how do you think a wildfire starts? From a spark. Relationships need kindling.” And I cannot make them understand that I am not afraid to build on things, to work hard and relentlessly on something, but I must stop apologizing for the fact that, truth be told, I cannot seem to want a love that does not engulf me. Someone told me that once you’ve tasted fire, you crave it, no matter how badly it burned your tongue. They weren’t wrong. Maybe Icarus knew what he was doing all along. Maybe that boy just wanted a taste of the sun.

[christinamariehollis]

My head has always been in the clouds -- seeing the best in people and falling in love with potential. But my gut? Oh, my gut has never let me down. She keeps her feet firmly on the ground.

[christinamariehollis]

I should have known.

Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you. Counting my foot steps and praying the floor wouldn’t fall through, again. My mother accused me of losing my mind, but I swore I was fine.

You’d paint me a blue sky, then go back and turn it to rain. I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules every day. Wondering which version of you I might get that night.

Well maybe it was me and my blind optimism to blame. Or maybe it was you and your sick need to give love and take it away. And you’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand. I look back and regret how I ignored when they said, run as fast as you can.

I see it all now that you’re gone. I see it all now, it was wrong. Don’t you think 19 was too young to be played by your dark twisted games when I loved you so. I should have known.

You were an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry. Never impressed by me acing your tests. All the girls that you’ve run dry have tired, lifeless eyes because you burned them out.

But I took your matches before fire could catch me, so don’t look now. I’m shining like fireworks over your sad empty town.

[christinamariehollis]

Delayed Reaction

I wish I knew why this still hurts as much as is it does. And I wish I knew why I think about this as often as I do. It’s been almost 2 years, but it feels like just yesterday. How do I erase 10 years of memories as quickly as you did? In the beginning it was so easy to hate you. But as time has gone on my heart has unwillingly softened. I wish I could continue to curse your name, but all that does is break me a little more. I can’t understand why my mind has chosen to block out the bad parts. All I want to do is clench onto the toxicity and the abuse, because its the only thing that keeps me from falling apart.

You quickly latched onto the first one who would love you. But I’m finding it treacherous to give my heart away again so quickly.  I still know you like the back of my hand. I still know you better than you know yourself. And if there’s anything I’m completely, absolutely sure of, it’s that you’re terrified to be alone. You find your worth in a woman who loves you. Or at least one that makes you feel loved. So in my heart of hearts I know that this is simply just your assurance. But it doesn’t make it any less painstakingly devastating.

And maybe the reason all of this still aches the way it does is because I haven’t given my heart to another yet. I’m not sure you ever gave all of it back to me. As much as I want to hate you, you’ll always have some part of my heart. Even if I wanted it back, sadly I know it just doesn’t work like that. But for the life of me, I can’t risk repeating a heartache like this. So I’m overly cautious and refrain from letting myself get close enough to anyone who could possibly break me even more. But I am going to love again one day, no thanks to you. I guess it’s then that I’ll finally fully let go of this. I just wish that the waiting wasn’t so melancholy.

[christinamariehollis]

I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.

[christinamariehollis]

Just because you bury something doesn’t mean that it stops existing.

[christinamariehollis]

Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You matter. You’re important. You’re loved. And your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not.

[christinamariehollis]

Such wounds to the heart will probably never heal. But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever.

[christinamariehollis]

Self Conclusion

How the hell did you end up here? You used to wrap yourself in fairytales like a blanket. But it was the cold you loved. Sharp shivers as you uncovered the corpses of bluebeard’s wives. Sweeter goosebumps as Prince Charming slid one glass slipper over your little toes. A perfect fit. But by the school yard real princesses floated by you on fall winds. You saw the gulf between you and the rich girls and vowed to stop believing in fairytales. But the stories were in you, deep as poison. If Prince Charming was real, if he could save you. You needed to be saved from the unfairness of everything. When would he come? The answer was a cruel shrug in a hundred fleeting moments.

From every boy masquerading as a man that you let into your body, into your heart. You learned that you didn’t have whatever magic turns a beast into a prince. You surrounded yourself with the girls you always resented, hoping to share their power and you hated yourself. And that diminished you even more. And then right when you thought you might just disappear, he saw you. And you knew somewhere deep it was too good to be true. But you let yourself be swept because he was the first strong enough to lift you. Now in his castle you understand Prince Charming and bluebeard are the same man. And you don’t get a happy end unless you love both of him. Didn’t you want this? To be loved? Didn’t you want him to crown you? Didn’t you ask for it? Didn’t you ask for it? Didn’t you ask for it? So say you can live like this. Say you love him. Say thank you, say anything but the truth. But what if you can’t love him back?

[christinamariehollis]

I’m willing to compromise when it comes to many things - but not love man. Not love. I’ve done that too many times and it’s taught me exactly what I want from what I don’t want. And listen, it’s not like the type of love I want is from a fairytale... no. The love I want is a very real thing. It’s out there. And it has nothing to do with posting fucking pictures or dropping everything to answer a text message immediately that aren’t even urgent - that shit is high school to me. What I want in love is respect - even when arguments arise. I never want to cry my eyes out till I’m sick because of an argument again. I want a love that has commitment. Has tenderness. Has laughter. Has playfulness. Has passion. Has morals and above all else... is always felt. Never again do I want to have to question whether or not the man that I am giving all of myself to, loves me. And never again will I ever entertain a man who tells me that I am asking for too much. I know what I want. What I want exists. And if one doesn’t want to give it to me then I won’t break my head over it - he’s simply not for me.

[christinamariehollis]

All she wanted was effort, she was simply after the type of treatment she deserved. She gave her time, patience and energy to a relationship that felt more like a situational hell. She was trying to be good enough for someone who was comfortable with mishandling her heart.

Never again.

[christinamariehollis]

I still hold onto a small childish hope that there’s someone out there in this crazy, wild world so completely, utterly meant for me even that stars will sigh, at last! in relief at our meeting.

[christinamariehollis]

Sweet girl,

It wasn’t that you weren’t enough,

it’s your energy...  it asks

others to rise up, and not everyone

is willing to go where they

would grow.

[christinamariehollis]

Daily Reminder:

If they wanna talk to you, they will. If they wanna be with you, they will. If they wanna make things work, they will.

Don’t let things be one-sided. It’s not healthy, and its not fair to you.

[christinamariehollis]

It’d be nice to hear how much I mean to someone.