chocolate-chip-socks

[chocolate-chip-socks]

I don’t feel good. I’m not happy. Not in a suicidal way, no, but that I am not happy with who I am and how my life is going right now.

All I wanted was to see some effort, the bare minimum. Why am I settling for something and begging for someone who would rather just go smoke than be with me? Sure he’s stressed and I should be sympathetic but it’s not fair for me too.

What am I doing...? Partly I don’t have any faith that he’ll do anything but also too why is it that I had to ask him to come see me on my damn birthday? Situation sucks thats for sure. I really hate this and I just wish I could be on the grind to be someone I’m proud of. I am struggling to be on that grind.

I miss having friends who love me and I miss being able to feel secured. I hate feeling like a house pet even though it’s partly my fault for not reaching out. I just want to be happy and secure and help others with that. 

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Fairy Fashion Girls ♥

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30 DAYS ANIME CHALLENGE : BR CREATORS

day 04: favorite female anime character ever → lucy heartfilia [ ルーシィ ]

“Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you.”

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“Don’t judge me unless you have looked through my eyes, experienced what I went through and cried as many tears as me. Until then back-off, cause you have no idea.”

Lucy Heartfilia → requested by @whiskas-pandastar

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I sit here in anger over the fact that I let him do the same mistake again- waste my time and string me along. I feel so disrespected and angry in that every time we talk about it I am hopeful that things will be different. And they sorta are, but also not.

He let's me know that we'd call at 12am. Then it becomes 1am. 2-2:30am. "Give me 20 minutes and then we'll call." He's at 2% and its been over 40 minutes since he said that. I call and no answer. I check again an hour later and see his phone is being charged and that he's active on Facebook.

This is such a fuck you to my face. I am at a point where I feel extremely disrespected and Im so tired of it. On the one hand, I dont want to give up on him. On the other hand, I am just so tired of being so angry when this happens. Im angry.

What will happen when we can talk? I'm gonna be so angry and I'm gonna start cussing him out basically because I've expressed this so many times that I am tired of him doing this to me. Then he sits there and feels guilty and says sorry. But here's the thing though- he may feel guilty in the moment, but that guilt is not enough for him to remember the next time he has a chance to make a choice of whether to do better or to mindlessly do what he's been doing, no regard for me.

I am so angry. A part of me wants to call him right now and keep calling until he answers so I can let all my anger out. However, I understand that is a bit irrational and childish so instead I sit here typing this long text out in anger. Quite frankly, I dont even think I'll be able to sleep. This is the third time I've been too angry to do my paper because of the same shit he's done.

A relationship cannot last solely on love. If that was the case, then we call those relationships toxic. Rather, a relationship needs to have respect, time, effort. These are things I feel he has lacked heavily today and has given all of that to everyone but me.

Something I question is if he truly loves me, would he disrespect me like he's been doing alot recently? Or is he simply infatuated with the idea of love because having somebody love you is a great feeling. Is it being in a relationship that he enjoys or is it me?

I asked him quite alot recently of what his mind was running when we became official because it was pretty random. The answer I got was simply "you." You in that I was the reason why he wanted to be in a long term relationship. In that I was someone he wanted to be better for.

I just dont think I see that anymore.

In that on a number of occasions I feel like it's not me, but its the benefits of being with me. Because I dont deserve this disrespect and I deserve to have someone who puts in the same effort I put in. I shouldn't be the one who has to constantly drive back and forth to go see him. Yeah, you dont have a car but you should find ways to see me rather than make me do the work all. The. Time.

You dont get to just reap the benefits of me by slapping a sorry stamp everytime you fuck up. I knew you wouldn't call me at 12am. On a Saturday night? That would be nice but its extremely unrealistic from you because when have you ever gotten back from going out at 12am? I knew this and asked to just stay on your laptop. Instead you just did whatever you wanted to do.

I am angry. But I am more hurt than anything. And I am tired of feeling this way.

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2/28. You left to go hang out with your friends and got drunk since 8pm. Its almost 3pm now and I called your name for you to show your face. You exchange a few words with me before disappearing again. I had called your name a few times before texting you for you to finally show your face again. I asked if you could hear me and you said barely, you were watching tiktoks, to which I replied, oh ok and only for you to disappear again.

A friend once said that what you would do for someone, you cannot hold them to the same expectation. But it really hurts that even after not talking to me for hours he still doesn't want to talk to me and wants to do his own thing (which is fine, doing your own thing), but its coming to a point where I feel like I'm nothing more than a decoration and something for him to enjoy at his convenience. A part of me feels like he's falling out of love and im just watching this all unravel and it hurts. Alot.

They say to date a guy who loves you just a little more. This relationship sometimes feel one sided and a part of me is hoping for something to change but another part of me knows that the person who changed was me. Part for the better, others for the worse. It makes me really sad that I put alot of happiness into him when I forgot about my friends ish. I love my friends but covid is really limiting so it actually sucks because I dont have as much freedom as he does.

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We spent a wonderful 4 weeks together and it was a blast.

Day 1 of being back in Chicago- I don't really hear from him because he wakes up late and is in a meeting, then does work till 11:59PM. I dont hear from him until 20 minutes after we agreed to call. He apologizes and I understand, no big deal. But then he tells me he's going to go to the gym and the only time I can talk to him is while he's getting ready to leave. He has a major exam on Friday and yet he makes it sound like giving me 5 minutes of one on one time is more of a hassle but he can spare over an hour going to the gym.

I see where I land in his priorities and I am not up there. I am merely just something to enjoy at his convenience. I used to always stay up and wait for him to come back so we could spend a little time together but I have to learn how to respect myself enough to stop sacrificing myself to someone who doesn't even do the same for me.

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Its been quite a while since I wrote something here, but here goes nothing.

I hate the holidays because I dont really have family to celebrate it with. The only person is my mom, but because of her mental health she doesn't do much which means I have to pick up the slack. Unfortunately, my mental health is also fairly low this time of year so I dont have the energy to do much either.

I was on the phone with my boyfriend because he randomly called me to tell me some random (but funny) news. He then goes downstairs where his parents, brother, and his brothers girlfriend gathers around and talks about anything and everything over some beautiful smores cupcakes.

It was in this moment I realized how different our worlds are, and how envious I am of his. I am envious of his house, which is complete with family and is filled with love, while mines is very empty and still packed from moving in the summer. I am envious of the support he gets from his parents in them helping him with his education and for him to overall succeed, while mines doesn't even know my majors. While he does work hard for his goals, I am envious of the immense support he gets while I have to search for the resources and help. Not to mention, money is a big barrier that I simply cannot spare.

I want to be able to bond with my parents more but that means opening up my heart. There is a major divide simply because my mom is too critical and my dad is across the country and does not care too much of me.

I question whether or not the reason why I have such a cold relationship with both of them is because I am unforgiving and I am overreacting. But then I remember the reasons why I have this cold relationship and validate myself and my reasoning. While I have every reason to not forgive them and build a better relationship with them, I think its time I forgive myself and start trying again. As to the rest of my family consisting of my cousins and aunts and uncle, fuck you. I am not a second thought or option. I deserve better than the way you've treated me in the past. Holding a grudge over something you did for over 10 years is pitiful, and I am angry because your immaturity has caused a great divide where you exclude me and my mom from any family function. I have tried to forgive myself for the whole situation and tried to move on from it but it is still extremely frustrating because of the grudge you still hold.

I hope in the future I build stronger relationships with people who are my real family, not the one by blood.

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You dont notice it at first

But then one day it hits you.

Theyre slowly losing interest.

The things they used to do for you and how they would go to the end of the earth to make sure you were happy.

Now its replaced with dread and anxiousness. Looked at as if its a bothersome. A burden.

Im sorry.

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9/5- I tell you im coming much later, hide my stuff, then sneak into your room and cover myself with your blanket and pillow but in the same way you left it when you left to go get food. I scare you and I have VIDEO PROOF AHAHA. Later in the night I get a little dolled up and we have a cute date night. We go out and take photos. You are cranky and make us leave so you and your bros can cook and prep your room for the night. Rose petals on the floor and you hand me roses. Steak and wine night with a movie. You try to be cheesy and put on the most romantic movie on Netflix. I love you so much for that. You even offer to cut up my steak into pieces. So you remembered the little things. End of the night I am wine drunk and we have great sex. I told you, wine drunk me is horny. Next night you blindfold me and use rope on me. God bless you did boy scouts. We also watched 365 days the day after and the boat scene was so disappointing because we have wild sex like that whenever we see each other 😂 I love you and I absolutely love how thoughtful and considerate you are

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We're talking and he said

"We're not married yet"

Im here, flabbergasted

"Yet?"

Nonchalantly he goes

"Yes, we're not marred yet"

I think my heart just melted

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I was SO angry and frustrated with you. You made me stay up so much later than I wanted and I cried because it felt like you were being so selfish with your time, completely disregarding mines. Fucked up my sleep schedule like are you serious. I send lengthy messages to which you proceed to ignore because you're "way too lit" . Im literally so close to cussing you out but everytime I say something you would say "I'm sorry" in the purest voice with sincerity. I knew at this point I wouldn't have a productive call with you so I decided to let it go till morning. You said you'd call me, even tho it was 2 hours later and im still extremely pissed and unimpressed, what was sweet was how you kept saying you love me and how much you wish I was here with you. Even in your drunken state you still manage to give me love confessions, which was really cute. Too bad I couldn't hear much because you were so drunk it was muffled. Whenever you're this lit you always insist on us sleeping on the phone together, which is cute because we rarely do it. Im still extremely mad at you but I still love you

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This time he was too fucked up to call...

It's like we drift farther and farther apart.

//sigh I hate how he neglects me and has trained me to be less aand less needy. This makes me sad

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Without you in my life, I wouldnt be as happy. Yes dont depend on a person for your happiness but that also doesnt mean they dont help.

I have your photo as my wallpaper and it makes me really sad how I cant see you for a long time. I miss you everyday, some days are alot harder than others. I love you.

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I'm so genuinely hurt we are long distance. I really wish I could be with you. Hug you. Kiss you. Be in your arms. Just cuddle with you and fall asleep. Today especially was harder for some reason; not sure why, I just knew I was looking at you and just so heartbroken I couldnt be closer with you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes

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So we got together because one of his bros sat us down and talked to us about how we could be missing out on something great because of fear.

I asked him last night if he remembered this and asked him what was his turning point to decide to date me. He said when his bro said "what are you waiting for" and he thought, a sign to date her.

This boy has constantly reassured me he loves me and that hes happy to be with me even if I drive him crazy. I love him

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I've been super whiney lately because hes been so busy the past few days and barely has time for me. So I told him how hes so cold hearted for not doing the "you hang up" fight with me but when he tried to say "you hang up" instead of me replying "no you" I just say "no" LOL