chisticastell

[chisticastell]

Otra vez vuelvo a ésta esquina oscura, lejos de todos, lejos de mí. Una vez más de no se cuántas. Las que sean necesarias hasta que yo termine con ella, o que ella termine conmigo.

[chisticastell]

No puedo dormir y no quiero estar despierto. No quiero estar aquí, pero no tengo fuerzas para moverme.

[chisticastell]

La última vez que la vi, vi en su rostro el desgaste que le había causado luchar por esta relación. Vi la frustración en sus ojos y como había absorbido mi enfermedad. Ya no brillaba y sus ya ojos no sonreían como la primera vez que la vi.

[chisticastell]

La peor parte de perder a mi mejor amiga a causa de las drogas, es que mi mejor amiga no va a estar ahí para ayudarme. Porque antes de perderla a ella, me perdí a mí y por más que intentó, no me dejé ayudar.

[chisticastell]

Loving A Drug Addict

I am not an addict. But try and love one, and then see if you can look me square in the eyes and tell me that you didn’t get addicted to trying to fix them. If you’re lucky, they recover. If you’re really lucky, you recover, too. Loving a drug addict can and will consume your every thought. Watching their physical deterioration and emotional detachment to everything will make you the most tired insomniac alive. You will stand in the doorway of their bedroom and plead with them that you “just want them back.” If you watch the person you love disappear right in front of your eyes long enough, you will start to dissolve too. Those not directly affected won’t be able to understand why you are so focused on your loved one’s well-being, especially since, during the times of your family member’s active addiction, they won’t seem so concerned with their own. Don’t become angry with these people. They do not understand. They are lucky to not understand. You’ll catch yourself wishing that you didn’t understand, either.

“What if you had to wake up every day and wonder if today was the day your family member was going to die?” will become a popular, not-so-rhetorical question.

Drug addiction has the largest ripple effect that I have ever witnessed firsthand. It causes parents to outlive their children. It causes jail time and homelessness. It causes sisters to mourn their siblings. It causes nieces to never meet their aunts. It causes an absence before the exit. You will see your loved one walking and talking, but the truth is, you will lose them far before they actually succumb to their demons; which, if they don’t find recovery, is inevitable. Drug addiction causes families to come to fear a ringing phone or a knock on the door. It causes vague obituaries. I read the papers and I follow the news; and it is scary. “Died suddenly” has officially become obituary-speak for “another young person found dead from a drug overdose.” Drug addiction causes bedrooms and social media sites to become memorials. It causes the “yesterdays” to outnumber the “tomorrows.” It causes things to break; like the law, trust and homes. Drug addiction causes statistics to rise and knees to fall, as praying seems like the only thing left to do sometimes. People have a way of pigeonholing those who suffer from addiction. They call them “trash,” “junkies” or “criminals,” which is hardly ever the truth. Addiction is an illness. Addicts have families and aspirations. You will learn that drug addiction doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if the addict came from a loving home or a broken family. Drug addiction doesn’t care if you are religious. Drug addiction doesn’t care if you are a straight-A student or a drop-out. Drug addiction doesn’t care what ethnicity you are. Drug addiction will show you that one decision and one lapse in judgment can alter the course of an entire life. Drug addiction doesn’t care. Period. But you care. You will learn to hate the drug but love the addict. You will begin to accept that you need to separate who the person once was with who they are now. It is not the person who uses, but the addict. It is not the person who steals to support their habit, but the addict. It is not the person who spews obscenities at their family, but the addict. It is not the person who lies, but the addict. And yet, sadly… it is not the addict who dies, but the person.

-“Lessons I learned from loving a drug addict” Alicia Cook, WCNC Oct 19, 2015

[chisticastell]

Me pregunto si la vida se fuma un cigarro después de cogerme.

[chisticastell]

Goodbye letter I wrote to my doc in rehab

Dear Tina, It is incredibly difficult to write you this letter, as being without you is the hardest thing I’ve done in such a long time. Before I met you, I was a wreck. Depressed, alone, self-loathing. I tried so hard to be good enough for those I cared about, but they weren’t ever pleased with me. I basically felt like shit. Then you came along and turned my whole life upside down. I’ll never forget the day you were introduced to me. I was blown away. Honestly. I never felt so fucking amazing in my entire life. I didn’t even know it was humanly possible to feel so euphoric, so blissful, so confident, so energetic and alert, so… alive! You gave me the type of feeling I’d been searching for my entire life, and I fell in love instantly. From then on, you were my obsession, my world. You were on my mind all day every day, and whenever I wasn’t with you, I spent all my time frantically, desperately trying to find you again. You took away all my pain and sadness and replaced it with pure, indescribable joy and happiness. It felt as though heaven was coursing through my veins whenever you were around. You made me feel more bliss and pleasure than anyone or anything else ever has, and I will always be grateful to you for that. Make no mistake, you had and always have a special place in my heart and in my memories. However, you are also extremely detrimental to my life, and I can no longer allow you to be in it. It took me far too long to realize this, but you have brought far more hurt and destruction into my life than goodness. You never took away my pain and sadness, you just postponed it, then multiplied it by a thousand. For all you gave me, you sure liked to take. You took and took and took; nothing satisfied you. My car, my phone, my laptop, my education, my future, my family, my money, my friends, my mental health, my sanity. Even my free will. I was your slave. You controlled my every thought, my every move, my every decision. The entire time, I felt like you were lifting me up to heaven, when in reality you were dragging me to hell. I felt you were giving me wings, but you took away my sky. For every time you made me feel euphoric, you also made me feel lower and more depressed than I thought was possible, even worse than I felt before you came along. For every time you made me feel confident, untouchable and bulletproof, you also made me feel weak, vulnerable, shameful and self-loathing. For every time you made me feel accepted, you also made me feel isolated. For every time you made me feel awake, alert and full of energy, you also made me pass out and sleep for days at a time; sometimes I would be so drained I would struggle to get out of bed or even open my eyes. For every time you lifted my mood and made me carefree, you made me irritable and angry, with more cares than I even wanted to think about. And for every time you made me feel alive, you made me feel like I was dying. For every single good thing you ever gave me, you took it away and made me feel nothing but more pain and misery. You took everything I had, and you won’t stop until you have my life. Well I’ll tell you right now that’s not going to happen. This is where we will part ways. I’m sick and tired of you making me sick and tired. I’m not letting you have any more of me. I’m standing on my own two feet and taking back my life and my freedom. I will always cherish the good times we’ve had, but bringing you back into my life will mean nothing but bad news. Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do because you were my crutch, my best friend, the one I relied on to get through everything. But I know that I need to do this. I thought you were the solution to my problems, when in reality you caused them and made the already existing ones worse. I will always miss you, but I will not miss the misery you brought into my life, and I know I can’t have one without the other. So, with a heavy heart, I say goodbye forever and don’t ever come back.

[chisticastell]

Lo más valioso que alguien puede hacer por ti es ayudarte a volver a confiar, te está regalando otra vida.

[chisticastell]

Todos se aburren de mi ¿Que me hace creer que te quedarás?

Mientras-no-estabas (via mientras-no-estabas)

Si, ¿qué?

[chisticastell]

See my face when I slide through Every place I will find you Every time we fell apart Girl I see you in the scars Baby take my hand, let me be your man Let me take you away from the cold Baby be my diamonds and gold

[chisticastell]

Somos casi novios; El problema es que el “casi” está lejos del “somos.

(via s-o-r-d-o-m-u-d-o)

[chisticastell]

Regla matemática: “si está fácil, está malo”.

(via murallamuerta)

[chisticastell]

Me gustas porque no te pareces a nadie.

[chisticastell]

We are offered it once and we decide to try it, We like it so much that we begin to buy it, It’s so great, euphoric it’s the happiest we could ever be, We were blinded by the pleasure of our disease and couldn’t see, It was just the start, this feeling dosent last forever, One day you’ll need just a hit to feel a little better, No one understands you, they say your not the same, But you haven’t changed at all your just sick of all the pain, You don’t seem to care, all you need is this high, It makes you feel so much better helps you get on by, But a day would come where no one’s there you have nothing left, So you take a hit and hold it in deep inside your chest, It’s not enough so you change your ways, you move to a syringe, You prepare your shot, flick the bubbles and then you stick it in, It’s terrifying at first, but then it feels so damn amazing , No worries about life, but then here come the cravings, Spend food money on drugs, why eat when your high, When did the past two years happen to pass on by, You’re stuck in this loop, of chasing that same hit, But someday you must learn the greatest high is when you quit

(via thelyricstomystory)

[chisticastell]

Por ilógico y absurdo que resulte, a veces hay personas que te quieren porque sí, porque eres tú, sin explicaciones.

(via yazbelth67)