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[chiralsnail]

Hi T,

Are you tired?

Are you tired of being in meetings?

Are you tired of never having a day off?

Are you tired of adding things to your to do list that already seemed never ending?

Are you tired of missing the matches you used to watch endlessly before you got married?

Are you tired of the responsibilities that a baby has brought us?

I know I cannot offer you much.

All I have are some hugs,

silent moments when I trim your grey hairs,

and ten minute midnight noodles that comes as an unsatisfactory meal at the end of a tiring day.

But you need to tell me that you’re tired when you are.

So that I can give guy rest from being a husband and a father.

So that you can have a few hours of your own when you feel like your young self again.

You need to tell me “Hey, I’m going out for a few hours for myself, and don’t call me unless it’s an emergency”.

You don’t need to come walking with me in the park if that makes you feel old.

You don’t need to take our baby off my hands when you’re sleeping after nights.

I want you to be content. I want you to be happy.

I want you to be NOT tired.

It pained me to see you so tired today, to realise that I don’t see the the smile I fell in love with that often anymore.

I want you to smile.

I love you. So so much.

Sleep in which ever room you get more rest in tonight. And be there for our baby when you feel like your best self ❤️

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Intimacy

I think, If anyone were to ask me what I like most about you, it would be your patience when it comes to building intimacy.

I used to think that intimacy was detached from all the other things we do. That it was reserved for after nightfall, in the dark, under the covers.

But with you, intimacy is constant.

It's in the way you let me lie on your chest as we watch a movie, with your fingers gently tracing patters on my back.

It's in the way you pause the movie to focus on me, compliment me, kiss me, and then return to the movie again.

It's in the way you laugh at the stupid comments I make in response to the dialogues, your nose turned towards my neck, and I feel every exhale of yours on my skin, all the while your chest and belly move rhythmically against my skin.

Then there is the intimacy of you breaking into the silly namboothiri accent at the oddest moments, and breaking character when I say something very unexpected.

The intimacy of being being able to cook together, eat together, feed each other, and make fun of each other for consuming the aloevera drink, or the mango ice cream, or the thai sweet chilli flavoured crisps too quickly.

There is intimacy in how I cut run my hands through your hair, finding just the grey hairs, and snipping away as you read emails. All the while, I lean in sporadically to smell your freshly washed skin, or to place a peck behind your ears.

The things I through were meant to be separated, done at different times, all happen at once with you. The joy of simultaneously laughing and kissing, of hugging and speaking, of growing in intimacy through all of these, I hope it remains for a very long time.

I love you.

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Forget about fancy dates, i wanna flirt with you in kitchen while cooking with you

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Growing apart from my parents for most of my childhood, I never realized how nice it would feel to be physically affectionate with someone. I didn't know how good it feels to hug someone for a long time. I didn't know the kind of closeness that it builds with that person, I didn't know the how warm it is, how comfortable it is, or how secure it feels.

Looking back, I sometimes feel bad that I wasn't an affectionate child. But I do not want that same regret for the future.

So I want to hug you when I wake up. Yours will be the arms that surround me in the morning, as you yawn "good morning" into my messy hair.

I want to hug you when you come back from work, and you are just sitting on the sofa or the bed. I want to rub my hands up and down your back as I hug you, a gentle, soft massage for your tired shoulders.

I want to hug you from the side when we sit together in restaurants, or on beaches, or just in your car, and I want to lean into your warmth when your lips trace my ears.

I want to hug you goodnight as you breathe in my scent one last time before you fall asleep. I want long hugs as a I sit on your lap, long hugs when we exchange few words, but more sighs, breaths, and "mmhmm"s.

Long hugs when you squeeze me tighter, your arms almost crushing me to your chest.

I want the hugs you give to me as we cuddle, and the hugs you give me when I have done well in something, and the hugs that come out of no where. The surprise hugs. I want your arms to surround me, to make me feel loved, safe, comforted, warm, and desired.

Most of all, I never want to say "I wish I had hugged him then" I want no regrets. I just want to hug you!

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I frequently imagine a kitchen, and you and me in it.

It’s sometime past midnight and I’m boiling a kettle to fill up a hot water bag, hands pressing against my stomach to relieve some of the cramps. You appear at the kitchen door, holding a strip of paracetamol “one paracetamol is not going to harm your liver”. And I take your advice, as you fill up the hot water bottle for me.

It’s a lazy Saturday morning, and I’m in the kitchen wearing an oversized jumper and shorts, making a ham and cheese toastie, eggs on the side and boiling the tea for both of us. You look over at me and grin any time you catch me looking at you, as you set the table. Some random pop tunes play in the background, and we both dance in our spots to the beat.

It’s a Friday night and you’ve come back from work, wrecked, in dire need of a nap, and you find me doing dishes in the kitchen. even before i can ask "Is there anything you need?", you wrap your hands around my stomach, nose buried in my neck. “Yes, you. Let’s nap, please!” I drop the sponge and wash my hands, overjoyed to oblige.

It’s a Tuesday evening, and you’ve tried out a new recipe, and we’re testing it out. It tastes better than you expected and I am beyond proud. I lean to peck your cheeks but you turn to face me without notice and the peck lands on your lips. You flash a cheeky grin, "if that's the reward I get, I might learn cooking even faster."

We've come back from a long trip and you are looking through the fridge for something to eat, as I sit on the counter top, swinging my legs. We settle for instant noodles, and share the same bowl as we alternate between using the fork. I hold the bowl warm bowl as you feed me and your self. And after we finish I set the bowl aside and bring my warmed hands to your neck, pulling you closer so we touch foreheads. "Thank you for the trip" I whisper, and you rub the tip of your nose against mine. Your hands are already pulling my hips close to your waist, making my legs wrap around you. "Shhh, not allowed" you tell me. "Okay...what is allowed?" I ask you, and you lift me off the counter. "I'll tell you in the bedroom".

So yes, you, me and the kitchen.

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We we sitting like this on my bed today, and my heart still flutters thinking about it ❤️

27.03.2022

[chiralsnail]

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Can you pull me close, and stop when our noses touch?

Can you let my heartbeat still a little, as you brush noses with me?

Can you take my hands and guide them to your chest?

Can you untie my hair, and let it cascade down my shoulders?

Can pull away momentarily to fix my hair, and then lean back again,

Eyes closed, lips slightly parted, noses touching again?

Can you pull me close, and this time, please don’t stop even when our lips touch.

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I could be in the middle of a crowd, and I’d catch a glimpse of you,

That way you smile, the way you direct people, the way you shy away from then centre or attention.

Oh, how you distract me!

I could be in bed, trying hard to ignore the pain in my legs, and you’ll lean in closer to camera.

Your lips come close enough for me to gasp, and for a few moments, my pain is gone .

Oh, how you distract me!

I could be in the car, talking to you, when your hands brush my stomach, and you raise your eyebrows

“Hmm?” You ask, but I’ve already forgotten.

Oh, how you distract me!

I’ll be listening to songs that I love, when all of a sudden the lyrics are about you.

Memories of you flood my mind.

Oh, how you distract me!

Even now as I write, knowing I must sleep, all I can think is,

Oh, how you keep me awake!

Oh, how you distract me!

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Hug.

I’m here ❤️

[chiralsnail]

Why don’t you meet me on the staircases of old castles, overgrown gardens and libraries?

Just like when we walked though the memorial garden that day—

So that when I am mesmerised by the beauty of the past, your gentle touch can pull me back into the present, as you turn me to face you,

“Remember my rule about staircases?”

How could I not?

Though the past has the ability to distract me for a few moments, it’s the future you promise that captivates me fully.

I wait in anticipation for the near future—

why do your thumbs brush my lips? Is that what your lips are aiming for?

But your other hand cups my cheek, and your eyes dart there, so... there instead?

When you move hair away from my temples, tuck it behind my ear, I wonder if the kiss will be on my forehead?

I wait in anticipation of the future that is far away—

Will you still hold my arm on the stairs and remind me of your rules when we live together?

Will you still find time to place a kiss on my feet when I sit down on the stairs, tired from wearing heels?

Will your lips find mine on the stairs as we impatiently make our way to our bedroom?

NOSE!

You kiss my nose, snapping me out of my day dream.

The near future I had so eagerly waited for is now the past.

I smile. You smile.

And I still eagerly wait for my future with you.

In the meantime, why don’t you meet me on the staircases of old castles, overgrown gardens and libraries?

[chiralsnail]

I’d like you to lie on my stomach as you scroll through your phone, on days when I’m not in a mood to talk. Just to let me know you’re there for me, just to let me know you care for me.

After a long stretch of silence, I’ll bring my fingers to your hair, massaging your scalp, an invitation to talk. Or an invitation to do something else.

You know that I’m ticklish, and yet you test it again, how I shiver when one finger touches my skin, but not when your whole hand holds me. I think it’s strange, you think it’s “complex”. That works for me too. It seems like you’ve learnt plenty of ways to take my breath away.

When your lips continue the work of your hands, you know how my breathing will change, you know how much I’ll giggle, you know I’ll pull your face up higher, just so i can catch my breath.

You’ll still smile as you do now, I hope, when I cup your face in my hands and say “hey, T”, and you’ll raise your eyebrows to say “hey” back, just for a split second, before continue to make me giggle again.

🐌

[chiralsnail]

“Sit with me?”

“Why didn’t you tell me it was hurting you?”

“Sleep on my chest...”

“I shivering because I’m so excited, because you’re so beautiful”

“Do not compare your self worth to anyone, not even me.”

“You’re the only one I love. You’re the only person I want to marry.”

12-02-2021

After dropping k home.

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I don’t know where I’m gonna be five years from now, but I pray to God it’s somewhere with a beautiful view and beside you.

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Can we be like this one day?

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Let my tenderness undress your hurts and cleanse your wounds. Let my sweetness wrap around you, and cloak you. Let the strength of my love make your heart a blossoming garden. Come let me shelter you in my chest and calm all your fears with the sincerity of my devotion, and offer you the life that beats in my chest inscribed with your name on it.

e.v.e.

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When the car halts at a red light,

I’m a fan of how you take my hand, open them up , and interlace your fingers with mine.

Lace them more often.

When our foreheads touch, and we’re catching our breath,

I’m a fan of how your hands find mine, you glance at me momentarily, and you bring my knuckles to your lips for a quick kiss.

Do that again too.

When my hair is a mess,

I’m a fan of how you comb your fingers through my hair, only to grab my hair again and pull me closer.

Grab my hair more.

When i wear tops that show off my arms,

I’m a fan of how you pin my hands above my head, and drag your lips along my skin.

Keep doing that too.

When we lie down to rest, your arm thrown over me,

I’m a fan of how it snakes round my stomach, holding onto me, while your other hand strokes my hair.

Rest more with me.

When we are, when we walk, when we sit,

I’m a big fan of how our hands just touch, how they collide, how they interlock, how they test, how they rest, and how they learn.

So be with me, always.