chillonxixa

[chillonxixa]

August 20, 2023

I didn’t want to make a separate post for writing about Devin again because I’ve written about him a billion times and because my band is cramping from typing in the iPad. So here

I was seeing battle for 2 months, obviously pulling away from the other one because I wanted to forget about him. Obviously that shit didn’t work,’\

so we’re on this part of the pendulum where we see each other, we get drunk, we kiss and say shit that messes with my head, but he much so warms my chest and the back of my neck,

‘I hope you meet a woman like me and I hope I meet a man like you’ stupid fuck

I kiss you and you tell me ‘oh you like kissing me now huh?’ Lilke I always didn’t. In that moment I realized just how much I pulled back because I was scared to feel something, we went out on a date to that delicious sushi place and I felt anxious as fuck that we couldn’t be in a moment together. I felt palpitations thinking about how fucking stupid it was I even agreed to go on this date when I should have gone straight to your house or get fucked,

[chillonxixa]

August 20, 2023

I briefly skimmed over a theory relating fear and desire, in part because I didn’t want to oversaturate my head with TikTok therapy jargon and in part because I didn’t want to find another thing to gnaw at me when I’m trying to sleep.

last night was Lisa’s graduation party, it was a beautiful time. The usual happy occasion with a friend I’m dearly proud of.

but when I came home, I tortured myself by going through videos with that dreaded sad ass TikTok sound. I realize how I referenced TikTok twice now, I’d touch grass but I’m on night shift

from growing up and wondering if it changes not just your body but your soul, and if you listened to your heart. You’d turn out bad, to Laika the space dog, whose heart and breath rate doubled in his final moments, I was crying and releasing so much of the tension I hold.

this tension doesn’t come from someone draining the life out of me thank goodness. But the immense fear that the life I love right now will collapse from unforeseen unpredictable circumstances, I’m so fucking scared of wanting to die and feeling like im old like I did for those three years,

I look at old pictures of me in college, and I know I had fun at the time, but I looked so gray and miserable. I love my life right now, where im at with my self esteem, my family, my career, my friends,

I guess I jus have to keep doing what I’m doing, whatever it is that im doing right, but I don’t want to get too comfortable that it makes me too lazy to explore. I love my life here. But I know there’s more out there.

if it blows up in my face, I’ll be glad to have had the fucking audacity to try something new.

[chillonxixa]

June 3, 2023

I need to start journaling about the positive experiences I have. Like my hike with Lisa.

We went to get matcha then off to Starved rock. We weren't able to find it right away but it didn't matter because we filled the car ride with stories about our love, families, and dreams. My friend is a fierce woman who is scared of change, but remains curious despite her circumstances. I think people who have a beautiful curiousity in them like that never let that die, and one way or another, it comes out. It might even come out like a busted pipe one day, who knows. But I want to support them in whatever beautiful feelings they hold in the moments we have together or in their reflections.

We had a cute brunch and a beach day after that. This weekend (the last) made me realize how this is my last year in Chicago (according to current plans). And how this might be the end of an era. I still yearn to leave, not because I feel trapped, but because the opportunity wouldn't be there if I wasn't ready for it.

I find myself loving things that don't make me feel trapped. In relationships where my person cheers me on. In friendships who love to see my growth. In a city that doesn't bury me in reminders of being a failure.

I'm so scared, but so excited.

I look back at my previous posts and remember how I use a man's companionship to cope. Because now that I'm closer to feeling self sufficient and confident in my life direction. I don't feel the desperate need to have someone hug me. Do I wish things ended in a different way with Devin? Yes. I wish someone wouldn't have pushed the boundaries so far up the ass that I couldn't dismiss a behavioral pattern as a mistake. I am chemically attracted to men with a low self esteem, no direction, and zero ability to take accountability. But it doesn't mean I can't have standards and lay down a fat brick wall with titanium plating over it. I hate this shit.

[chillonxixa]

April 25, 2023

Thoughts on Devin on adderall.

I was bored and frustrated that Patrick didn't pay attention to me. And now that i'm over him, I'm not holding Devin up to this shitty dimly lit candle that makes everything else brighter. I get bored and thrive off of the thrill of crushes who are emotionally unavailable, when I know there's ways of finding men who can give me a relationship. I want to go to new york. That's never changed. I don't know what I want to compromise on. I just want to be happy and I know deep down nobody can give me that but myself.

I can't even fathom the thought of being with someone when I feel empty like this. When i'm hurt that things aren't going the way that I want. I don't know if there is a person like that that's not Andrew or Cheyenne or Clara or Ernest.

My life has been a love story for all my friends.

[chillonxixa]

April 3, 2023

Dear Devin,

Here is the love letter of many you'll never get. Your honesty disarms me. Your shame doesn't feel malicious. It feels innocent. Like it begs me to hold you in the moment you feel like I'm going to abandon you. And that part might feel familiar, but the trust I see I have now lets me know this moment is something new and special just between us. You're literally the most irritating man alive. I play this score and picture the gradual incline of emotions and memories we'll built together, until our eventual end of regular texts, love making, hard fucking, and dinners. When we check up on each other every now and then and pick off where we left off, without the regulars we had before, just two people who care for each other and wish the best. This kind of love, short term, I hope I'm not wrong, feels honest.

I don't think it would happen, but here are some things I wish could happen, that we'd experience together.

road trip together

travel to mexico

go to a concert (maybe)

tell each other how we feel (even if you don't feel the same as me)

[chillonxixa]

April 3, 2023

Northwestern still hasn't gotten back to me despite sending that dumbass fucking email but ok, so maybe i'm going to fill this page up with more bullshit about my dating life that haz zero direction besides to distract me. I promise you will cringe reading this one day, when you're on your day off and you're on a night shift sleeping schedule, reminiscing about the last moments where you felt almost teenager-like, zero responsibilities, where men occupied majority real estate in your mind. Where you spend rituals, seances almost, getting ready to look dainty, sexy, flirtatious, ready to sweep them off their feet, at least physically....since you're terrible at tuning into others emotions, which speaks to where you're at with your own.

Anyways. Devin came over to the house, he'd come back home from a weekend trip in Colorado. Lover, you're not aware of how cruel I can be about a directionless life. How much I project onto others, how terrified I am of a future not promised. Contradicting everything I project myself to be, a free spirit. If people are constantly misunderstanding me. If I attract emotionally unavailable people from this display of bright blaring sirens of feathers, that I remain a mystery, because even I can't solve and untangle my own mess/riddle of emotions. Who is at fault besides the coincidence or boredom that brought us together? You're aware of why you self sabotage as much as I am aware of how to disarm myself.

To love is to disarm your lover and yourself.

I'm excited to show him my room, and he seems disinterested to be honest. I love him more when he's gone. And he raises a good question, do you like being hugged, or just whoever is doing it at the time? I already underestimate your abilities early on, and I know that'd never go away if I let myself be with you. It's nothing to do wit you at all. He haunts me despite being a year and some months gone from my life. It's about the potential I almost lost and never recovered. How I was going to be bound to one role for the rest of my life because I thought I died at 25. I never want to feel like I'm an animated corpse on autopilot ever again.

I want to feel how I felt, a city dweller in Paris. A lover girl in Rome. A child in Amsterdam. An adventurer in Athens. A woman in London. Confused in Vienna. Peaceful in Belgium.

It feels like we're getting closer and closer to making love. I can't deny how I'm robbing my chance to get closer with the other one when I count your breaths against mine.

I clearly love you both. Although I doubt I'd hurt one, maybe hurt? That's overestimating maybe (despite what everyone else tells me). But at least scorn the other one into indifference.

[chillonxixa]

March 25, 2023

I'm watching Dolores O'Riordan on youtube on the big ass tv in the living room. She's soft spoken, not shy at all, but humble. Speaking in this beautiful confident cadence that airs security and the voice of a creative who was taken from this world too fast.

I think about yesterday. I met him at WIP for a graffiti and sip. And I'm starting to get sad chronicling this because when this doesn't work out, I'm going to reread how excited I was to give him his painting. And how much that smile lights up my heart whenever I arrive to our dates, because he's almost always punctual.

Bodies don't you see what everybody wants from you, if you could want that too, then you'd be happy.

And how when he got the painting he couldn't stop complimenting it because he said no one has ever made him anything before. He kept trying to interpret it and maybe I pretended like I didn't know what it meant

And now I'm getting sad because I love him or maybe I know I can, but I feel like the only people I'm ever afforded the chance with are fucked up, damaged, destructive people like Kevin. Or at best, juvenile men who tolerated me because I was pretty, but didn't like me as a person at all.

I'm crying because I think about how he spray painted "M+P" twice, each with a heart around it. He held by hand, to be annoying as fuck, but it touches my heart how cringe he likes to be. I love the way he sings. Someone who can make harry styles sound like satin and the equivalent to moss, in a human voic

I'm scared of the future, I'm not scared it'll be bad. I just want to know what my next step is. I'm ready, I'm not scared. I'm antsy, I'm ready to take on what's next for me. Then I can decide what I want.

[chillonxixa]

March 23, 2023

Ok rewrite, because I wrote the previous when I was sad as fuck

I don't know what's going to happen with my future and when all that happened it was really disappointing and difficult to deal with because the drama from my program felt it was never going to stop following me.

The healthiest way I've found to deal with my problems is to take time to myself to process and feel it all out. I'll go out sometimes to distract myself, I hang out with people I feel less self-conscious of showing my bad mood to.

The space I take for myself can turn into isolation where I'm stuck in a negative thought loop and not thinking of others. I talk to my mom the most and I still barely speak to her.

Even if I need that time to myself, whether you're my friend or we're together, especially if we're together, it's important to me that you feel secure with me.

I know it's difficult to ask for reassurance because we both know how fucking annoying it is to be on the consistently giving side of it. But maybe we could both work on that.

As for feeling like there isn't a desire to get closer

I felt some kind of way that time we had our first check in conversation at the park. You brought up that you were thinking about it but left it open ended for me. And it felt like you wanted me to take the lead on that conversation to feel me out, which put me in a weird mood. It seemed abrupt and we were close to my house too. I felt like I was talking about how much I value us, and how I felt secure because it felt like we were being intentional and careful with each other and own own feelings at the time.

And when it came your turn to talk, it felt like a jumble of how "sex muddies things up" and you kind of retold the timeline of our dates without reciprocating the same honesty of where you were at.

It felt odd and I thought I should probably reassess and ground myself.

I don't know if I'll ever be someone that'll be able to think of things on the spot, like I can, but I need time to develop my thoughts bc then I just talk too much and it's super unproductive.

I've been feeling like our dates are an errand you're squeezing in, and you've cleared it up how you see plans, but it pushed me to think we were leaning towards something platonic.

In the beginning I didn't care about when or what we did physically, because I know I can handle myself, but I'm starting to see the value in feeling things out before jumping into any of that. So if I pulled back on those things too, that's why.

I've been thinking about if communication should be a natural thing or not. Of course people have to work on their communication skills throughout their lives, but I'd like to know what you think.

What we want

I think we both have a good grasp at what the other person doesn't want out of a partner, but we don't really talk about what we want. And if we do, it feels super vague and it's agreeable so never feels like I'm closer to seeing if we're on the same page.

Maybe we don't know what we want yet and that's okay, we said we were going to feel each other out.

I didn't want to press for something that felt one sided though, which it did for a long time. It sucked but I still meant and still do mean it when I say I want to be in your life at any capacity, even if that's a friend, because I value you.

I still don't know what you mean by "needing too much reassurance"

I definitely don't need anyone. But the person you're with is supposed to feel safe. I don't get the consistency I'm looking for by the frequency of times we see each other or talk. But it's how we spend that time

This is important to me because I want to be with someone as ambitious as me. I understand that there's going to be gaps where we don't see each other, but I think we're only as secure as how valuable we treat the time we do give each other.

CONTINUE TOMORROW

[chillonxixa]

March 23, 2023

Maybe? I'm seeing Patrick Friday. I hate that I'm saying this, but the feelings I had while I was painting his birthday present feel fleeting. I feel guilty that I only thought about him in-between moments with Devin.

I'll spitfire.

He doesn't know what will happen with our future.: neither do I. I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen with my career, and it's not so much the career advancement, dick riding in the medical field, but more of the grand set up of a life where I can fuck off for a month and explore the way I want to. That'll always be my priority and I need to make this very clear when I see him.

If you want to be a "driving force in my life": all that I ask is that you are honest, so I can make my decisions based off a reality that exists.

I could have been upfront too. I'll admit my decision not to was cowardly, I misinterpreted when I should have asked. I've been thinking about whether communication should be natural or not. I wanna know your thoughts on it.

I don't know if I'll ever be the kind of person to think of things on the spot. The last time we had a check in conversation like that, I could have been down to talk about it, but you brought it up, said you've been thinking about it, but felt like you left it up to me to lead the conversation. And you brought it up towards the end when we were already close to my house. I felt some type of way about it because i was talking how much I valued our connection and you went off on a tangent about how having sex muddies things, so it didn't really feel like an intentional conversation. Again, I question if communication should be natural or not. Of course it's something every person needs to work on for the rest of their life but goddamn

I'm getting angry writing this, and I can feel the resentment.

Sometimes our dates feel like an errand you're squeezing in, and now that you've communicated that you have certain thoughts about making plans, not giving an evening to someone because you have things you want to do, I understand. But that's why I'm telling you what it feels like on this side.

I think we've established what we don't want for the most part, and we've beaten that horses's dead body to the ground, but I think we both never really talk about what we want, and if we do it's vague enough that we can both remain agreeable.

To be honest, I still mean it when I say I could tell you were going to mean a lot to me early on. But I wasn't pressing on you for something bc I didn't wanna press for something one sided. Because it's selfish to say that and not mean it when you declare value of someone's friendship.

I still don't know what you mean when you say these women were "needy" or "needed a lot of reassurance". I don't need anyone, but partners are supposed to be a safe place for you (of course not abused for it, like an endless well of positivity). But I love check ins, even when I'm sad and feeling like I want to be alone. I don't gather consistency from the frequency of us talking or seeing each other, but how well we show up for each other in the small time we do see each other. And to be honest, I like you but it's felt like it's leaned towards platonic.

Maybe in the beginning I didn't care much when or what we did physically, because I know I can handle myself, but I'm starting to see the value in feeling things out before we do any of that. So if I pulled back, that's why.

I'm crying writing this right now hoping I'm crying because my period's coming and not because I'm remembering how hurt and confused I was. Or how scared I am to love you, because when I say I could love you. It's not going to be the one that feels safe to entertain because I know we won't work. It's because I don't know if it would or wouldn't if I took the chance and that scares me.

[chillonxixa]

March 22, 2023

I have a lot of chemistry with Devin. I find myself acting nervous around him, being so full of energy that I need to justify these intense feelings of warmth under the guise that it's because of some niche topic this week i'm interested in. Instead of just saying

"I like spending time with you. I forgot what it meant to just enjoy someones company, and to have someone equally reciprocate acts of warmth and affection. No I'm not in love with you in the sense that I see us being together forever, because the world brought us together at this point in time, bc it knew we were ready to receive our end game. But when you ask me if I'd attend your funeral, the events between us right now and you dying, us losing touch of each other, and never seeing that New York visit come to fruition. hurt me.

Because of course I'd come, but I want to be there when they're reading your eulogy, and telling me and everyone who has more of a right to be there than me, that you overcame your mind and renovated that camper van. Toured the US before you found the love of your life and had little Devin babies, you (hopefully) fathered in a loving and healthy way. Even typing it out that you'd live out a future with someone else aches a little bit, but that's to be expected when we check in regularly (now) with these bids of affection, with days/nights we spend together in each others arms.

I love these little protests we do. I don't make anything of yours because I don't want to come to terms with the possibility we both feel the same way. but that UGH, like a cry to be held when you can't directly ask for me to jump into your arms. Or the inevitable aggressive displacement of our bodies, so they finally meet each other in the way we've been desiring from the week, but run away from.

You meet someone and you can't almost tell right away that they're going to mean something to you. When you told me to touch your tumor, picked out of Lisa's vase and told me you were going to get me the darkest flowers, when you asked if I was going to give you the side corner besitos I usually give you, when you challenge me with "you wouldn't take a picture with me", pointing out the photobooth when you see one (we couldn't use the one yesterday because it only gave one photo strip),

I love you. But I know it's an escape right now because I've been so desperate and you caught me in a time of high strung confusion for Patrick. I love you so much that I can see past that and that I want to be a part of your life, even if it's just an acquaintance you catch up with every once and a while.

I love you, in a self serving way I'll admit, for what you've shown me about myself since January 28th, at that Jersey Shore themed Birthday Party in the middle of a blizzard. That we both didn't want to go to.

[chillonxixa]

March 22, 2023

You're going to be seeing a lot more entries than usual, because I'm unemployed and don't have the health insurance to process my thoughts with someone an hour a week. I miss the freedom of violently throwing up my emotions, just to be able to focus on something else that's grating at my soul (it was school at the time)

I saw something on TikTok recently that said not to prioritize chemistry over character because chemistry won't take care of you on the hard days. And that when the reality of the world sets in, so will the inevitable dissipation of chemistry.

I know future me will acknowledge the following feelings are foolish and the complete opposite of self-serving, where self sabotage doesn't even begin to explain how dumb of a fucking decision this is.

Because I'm a slave to a monkey brain that loves affection and the touch of someone who knows how touch starved I am. Who can kiss every space it takes to disarm me from the metaphorical barrel in my mouth my dramatic self imagines, because a microscopically planned future isn't in the cards at the moment.

I'm not as much of a free spirit as everyone thinks. All the chances I take (non-romantic) are calculated, I look forward to, I dream of, for months on end. A pinterest board. Endless conversations with my friends and especially mother about. Surprises and spotaneity never held any ounce of novelty to me. I'm a scared person, not have too much cowardice to paralyze me, but enough that my heart sinks the same way a small child does, who doesn't know how to verbalize that plummeting feeling.

PART II because I didn't get to the tea

[chillonxixa]

March 17, 2023

How do I want to be loved? In the same intensity as I want to love someone. I've moved through this earth with every challenge I can possibly face. I hesitate to use the word challenge in fear of paling in comparison to my mother, therefore coming off like a fucking asshat. But the proof is in the DSM pudding.

I want to love someone by supporting them with their dreams. Pep talk is so big to me. Because I'd allow the space for them to grieve their mistakes or the timelines that didn't match up in their plans. Because I understand how much it hurts to be ambitious. I understand that we can't be entertainment clowns that are wells of affection and positivity all the time. I think that giving someone space, who won't abuse it to become distant and confide in the safety of another person is what defines the ultimate meaning of trust for me.

I don't want someone to assume so negatively of me, to think i'm being condescending, or taking pity on things they find beautiful and motivating. I want to know every phase of their life that has made them, them. I want to know what they want to become. What qualities they miss about themselves. What they're happy to have left behind. What makes them aware of their mortality, what makes them run towards being alive.

I don't think our goals have to clash. It shouldn't be hard to find someone like this, but it's proving to be some fucking quest. To find someone who wants to see the world, who wants to fuck off from the rest of life to learn. awe, and immerse themselves in all the senses traveling to undiscovered land touches.

I want to love someone who already moves with conviction, to believe in themselves into a state of delusion. I'll be there to catch you.

[chillonxixa]

March 13, 2023

It's not so much that these men are worth writing about, as it is my delusional passionate urge to mirror my own desires onto them.

I do not know them. I make stories out of the 5% I do have of them.

[chillonxixa]

March 13, 2023

I realized that I've used this blog to chronicle seemingly significant moments in my life where I needed to vomit up these overhwhelming feelings I couldn't hold in. But since I'm unemployed as fuck right now and in a moment of uncertainty, maybe it would be fun to give you a peak at what's happening right now in this god awful (knock on wood) boring life. So I'm leaning into the boredom. I'm also acting as a pseudo-literature writer the way I've always wanted to have the talent, but could never paint a visual with words the way I'd like to.

Sunday* we were supposed to go to starved rock but I got too rocked at Sharif's birthday party, a gathering of almosts I think I could have had if I had a sliver of substance and standards in my early undergrads years. It was enlightening to see how wonderfully witty, smart, and sweet men could be. I don't know how long me and Sharif will be friends given how my sex addiction ruins every ounce of good thing in my life. I hope his girlfriend sees how self destructive/much of an coping mechanism sex is for me.

Today me and Devin laid in bed all day. Watched Hellraiser as much as our attention spans allowed us to. It was great sex. It was awkward at first, and I saw the moment it dawned on both of us that we usually get drunk when we hang out. We bypassed that gradually though. He was in the special ed classes in elementary school, the short bus had to take him to separate school. Called it inclusion teachers and resource. When he told me he wanted to be a director, I felt like this cute urge to look him in the eyes, but he urged me, scolded me even, not to look at him with eyes of pity. "I've never talked to someone who's had such a bad perception of me." "What do you mean?" "Every time I try to be endearing, you always think it's something bad. Or you talk about not knowing my intentions. It makes me wonder why I give off that impression." "That might have something to do with me and not with you"

I love the minds of writers, maybe if I start writing more, I can gain the song of the keyboard beneath my fingers. Composing the vivid moments I make out of mundane life that replay over and over in my head when I'm in the uber home listening to Lala land's soundtrack.

[chillonxixa]

March 9, 2023

I can really say that Patrick is the first guy I ever dated.

I didn't jump into bed with him or hang out so consistently that we just impose the assumption of a relationship together. He's a good guy, who grew into a self sufficient responsible person in spite of what he's been through. And he probably did have feelings for me. But I'm the one who blew them out of proportion.

I clearly need behavioral classes on cues and double meanings because when someone tells me that they want to do things with me, I take that to the moon and back to the depths of my delusional little heart.

In think what happens is that I'm a pretty girl with a weird little twang that intrigues people into thinking I'll awaken something in them. And finding out I'm sensitive, makes me seem like I'm a layered challenge to be taken on, when i'm literally just neurodivergent scared fragile person that's lived through a lot of punches.

But the same when I say that they're people who let me talk most of the time just to mirror me back, who love the attention I give them because they liked to be liked.

I like my own reflection. Feeling like I'm this bubbly little ball of sparks and flames tamed by this sensitive and gentle force. I look for my own peace and understanding from other people when I can't even be that for myself. We're always constantly projecting, with the only solution presenting itself to constantly check yourself just as much.

I'm hung up on these words because I'm addicted to looking forward to things. Ambition is infectious and engulfing, I don't blame people for seeking temporary refuge in my flames.

[chillonxixa]

March 3, 2023

I really like Patrick but my mom is right and I'm getting tired of not speaking my mind. There's a difference in being careful and just straight up not being comfortable with someone. He's always gotta be saying doing our own thing this, doing our own thing that. We talk about so much of what we don't want, I want someone who's self assured to tell me what they do want. And not in the way that they want someone to behave at the bare minimum, but how they want to be ideally loved. What triggers them. What they've done to work on those triggers. How they're going to continually work on themselves, so that I know I won't be picking up the damn weight all the time. I'm tired of this shit. I know dating isn't supposed to be easy.

I shouldn't be mad at him. He has this figured out just as much as I have. He's literally 2 years younger than me and has had less relationships and sexual experiences it seems. I think he's a kind man, a great one, maybe not on the pedestal I wanted to put him on before, but at the end of the day he's just a man.

He's just a man.

[chillonxixa]

March 3, 2023

I'm really fucking irritated. I need people to get the fuck off my case.

I asked Devin why he doesn't try to get back with his ex. "Why you don't like talking to me?" I told Patrick to think about whether or not he's over his ex. Why do I keep talking about this? Well for the former, I know we'd never work and I'm starting to care about him as a person and want the best for him. Which is what I told him. For the latter, I didn't want to break my own heart chasing after someone who compares me to a ghost of a person.

I talked to all these people after Theo and Michael trying to convince myself I was really over it. Especially Michael, and look how that over correction turned out. *you can reference that in the previous posts*

I insisted on my neediness for closure. I wasn't opening myself up to other people. I could barely process how miserable this academic journey was making me. Like the rock tumbling down the fucking cliff, trying with all my force to push through that steep angle. I wasn't opening myself up to people in a genuine way. I just kept adding projects to occupy myself. I couldn't not be occupied and face how isolated I made myself feel.

I was a hypocrite telling everyone to open up and work on themselves, hiding under the guise