childeapologist

[childeapologist]

Don't worry, we have Mualani at home

[childeapologist]

[childeapologist]

here's what we know so far

[childeapologist]

ohh we are so cooked

[childeapologist]

help me please someone anyone in the universe I'm so alone and I'll never belong anywhere or be understood

[childeapologist]

My partner and I have at least one huge verbal clash a month. I'm an autistic adult that absolutely has one or more other undiagnosed mental illnesses. I have a hard time working between my chronic migraine pain and mental illnesses. I am medicated but the side effects are almost as bad as what my medications are supposed to treat. I constantly feel trapped by my own state and existence. So I am entirely financially reliant on my boyfriend, and he did get me out of an emotionally abusive situation with my mother. I am grateful and I do understand how much he is doing for me. I hate feeling like such a burden no matter who I live with, but this is just where my life is at right now. However, I am an artist and I have a lot of media skills and I've been working towards an online career with all of my excess free time. I have a lot of symptoms of either BPD (borderline personality) or just Bipolar. My emotions can be so potent and extreme, especially when negative, it is unbearable. When I hit extremes, I start to just split and see the world in black and white. These arguments always push me to where I start splitting. It feels awful, it happens when I am so overstimulated that my brain HAS to start oversimplifying everything because that feels like the answer. I understand it must not be the easiest thing for someone close to me to deal with and it isn't fun for them to watch me go through it. However I also pose the question to him often: if it's awful to experience externally, then imagine what is going on for me on the inside?? It usually starts with me being upset about something that may not even be that big of a deal to start, and I am not even THAT upset to start. However, once I start trying to explain the situation to my partner, he will get so upset about things just because I didn't meet his expectations in my handling of the situation, he expected better of me, or so on. He cannot control my emotions and my reactions and I've asked him time and time again to let these things go and let me be me. But he will say "No this is just how I am, and I am mad at you because you are insisting that this is just how you are but you can genuinely do better,"

I will tell him I am already aware of these flaws and they are things that deeply bother me on a daily basis and I am already working on them, and I don't need him to remind me. I have told him time and time again that bringing up these faults just feels like I am being berated for lifelong issues or even sometimes straight up trauma responses I have, and that I do not need the reminders from him that I am so deeply flawed and sabotaging myself. I already know, I already beat myself up for it on a daily basis. I have explained that positive reinforcement works better for me.

It will often devolve into weaponizing my mental illness or the effects of it, like not being able to work or berating me because all of my personal projects aren't making progress as fast as I would like because the chronic fatigue and brain fog from my medications makes it hard to function.

He also gets mad when I explain that certain things are just tied to my mental illness and trauma responses and that they are not things I can change, not without a lot of time at least. And he gets mad that I am "copping out by saying that is just how I am." But when I ask him to adjust his approach, his responses, and his wording to deliver things better he insists "Well this is just how I am, sorry I'm just a jerk sometimes. I tell it like it is even when people don't want to hear it," as if THAT isn't a cop out from just being a more decent person.

I've explained to him how many of my trauma responses come from an actual abuse situation I was in in the past and I need some room to have these negative responses and it isn't personal and it isn't about him, and he gets mad at me and refers to this as "Holding him accountable for my ex's actions" when that is not what is happening at all and I have tried to make that so clear.

He has more of an emotional support system from his family than I do, and at one point he kept insisting that I reach out to his sister and his partner when I am feeling really down. And the one time I tried to do this, they villainized me and completely took my partners side, and he's been even harder to get through ever since then. It just turns into the "Oh this one is living here for free and still has an issue with it? imagine that" And yes I get it to an extent but also that isn't even what is happening here. Because my key issue here is that all of the monetary and physical support is great and I am eternally grateful but that I still have emotional needs that are not being met here, and my emotional boundaries are even being crossed on a regular basis.

I do not know what to say or how to get through to him or if this is even worth it anymore? Is it worth going back to my family who also doesn't treat me right? I know this next thing isn't a problem anyone here can solve for me but...I truly feel like I don't belong anywhere. I just wish that my SO made me feel like i belonged.

[childeapologist]

Every time I fight with my partner even over the smallest thing it turns into this big blowout where I have a mental breakdown and hit self harm/self exit ideation territory and every time it's his responses and how he mishandles my emotions that pushes me this far.

And I'm begging him to get therapy but he's just pointing at me melting down saying "oh you think I need therapy" as if that is the fucking point or means anything. You need therapy because YOURE doing this to me, because these arguments wouldnt escalate this far if you understood autism and you truly understood. I have nowhere to go and living with my mom is worse. I dont belong anywhere and I want to die.

[childeapologist]

[childeapologist]

"I am your favorite artist's favorite artist"

Happy Halloween!

[childeapologist]

I've been told that I need to "just get off that antidepressant and fix your damn meds" by my partner as if that's an easy thing I can just do.

This med has a whole list of withdrawal effects, forgetting to take it basically makes me feel like I have the flu and gives me terrible vertigo. Just going off this med will take time bc I'll have to he slowly taken off of it

It's not thay fucking simple and my partner just doesnt get it

[childeapologist]

I watched an hour and a half video about Amy winehouse the other day and I learned so much about who she really was that I never knew and I realized she is me frfr

I have substance dependency issues bc the world at base is just so boring to me I want to have a fantastical experience. I want to experience so much more than what reality is so I get high.

What really gets me is like, the video would talk about her days where she'd just spend the whole day smoking weed and writing music. And im like I can't even smoke weed and do art all day anymore bc my antidepressant stabilizes my mood so much I lost all my creative passion. And it's going to take time to ween me off one and onto a new one and I'm in this Neverending battle against SSNRI/SSRI nothing makes me better without making something else worse

[childeapologist]

Im am tired of just sobbing until I have a migraine it's a regular occurrence these days. I just am nothing and I have nothing

[childeapologist]

My boyfriend got all prickly with me for no reason while we were gaming yesterday and when I stood up for myself he kept doubling down and getting defensive and giving me negative feedback and negative reinforcement that I've told him time and time again only causes me to spiral. And this ends with me afk-ing from a game while sobbing and impulsively leaving the house without any shoes on to roam the streets while sobbing and my bf couldn't even leave his computer chair to come and check on me

[childeapologist]

siphonophores will never not freak me out. stop doing that its SCARY but also please don't ever stop doing that you ethereal marine cryptid

[childeapologist]

Hat Guy 🕊️

[childeapologist]

it's never right, but you just can't move on

for @hakurasakura ♡ happy birthday, yash! [insp]

[childeapologist]

For my birthday which is tomorrow ~