chiefs1983

[chiefs1983]

Happy Birthday 💛

Will take out some Sadaqa for you today InshaAllah

[chiefs1983]

Happy Birthday 💛

[chiefs1983]

I poured all the memories, the pain, the sorrow into a casket and grabbed a shovel. I dug and dug, day and night I dug. I dug until the blood from my hands colored the shovel red, until my shoulders went limp to my sides, until the world felt like it was spinning around me, until my eyes started to see black. I dug until I couldn’t dig anymore. And there, deep in my conscience I buried the hurt, the tears, the screams of anguish.

I buried you away, so I can go on living my life. I buried you away so that you wouldn’t haunt my every waking moment. I buried you away so that the only resurgence of this pain is in my screams as I dream.

Perhaps one day I, when I am healed, I will be able to dig the casket up. Raise you from the depths that you occupy in my mind and heart. Perhaps, one day I will be able to look at you and not feel the knife twisting in my heart. Perhaps I will be able to smile and remember the happy times, the laughs, the joy. Perhaps I will be able to remember that dream.

[chiefs1983]

I hope you had a nice birthday. I took out some sadaqa for you. You’re always in my thoughts, prayers and in my heart.

[chiefs1983]

I love you unconditionally. I didn’t know what that meant when I was with you. I loved you for the love you felt for me. I loved you for the comfort you gave me. I loved you for caring for me. I loved you for being my best friend. I loved you for making me happy. I loved you for removing my sadness. Now I have none of that. But I still love you. I love you even tho all I have left from you is the pain in my heart. And if you never think of me again or benefit me in any way I will keep on loving you. I will continue praying for you and taking out charity in your name. Because I now love you unconditionally.

[chiefs1983]

It’s been really difficult to keep you out of my mind recently. I keep thinking back to a time when you were mine. But no amount of reminiscing will bring that time back. All that matters now is that you are happy. I hope you are. I will keep praying that you are and stay happy, forever, in this life and the next. And when I’m not praying for you or giving charity in your name I will keep pushing you out of my thoughts and mind.

[chiefs1983]

Gave more charity in your name and continue to pray for you. Hope you are well

[chiefs1983]

Never will I find someone like you

[chiefs1983]

Keeping you out of my mind. It’s the only option for me to remain sane and normal. I have been giving a dollar a day to charity in your name. I plan to keep doing that.

[chiefs1983]

Nobody knows what I am going through. Nobody sees the pain, anguish, never ending torture beneath the surface. All the see is the normal me on the outside. The one who only slips up from time to time, when the pain rises to the surface and overcomes his demenour. Who, when realizing his pain is showing, forces it back down and replasteres the smile back on his face. I’m broken inside. My heart shattered. I exist eternally in this state of secret pain.

[chiefs1983]

You know, my sister said in 2014 that if you’re that close to your family, you won’t pick me over them. She was right lol.

Things have never been the same with her since that incident in 2014. We still don’t get along. I don’t know what it is. Maybe deep down I blame her for the mess in 2014. Maybe I deep down I think it would have worked out had she have helped instead of make things worse. I don’t think they would have tbh. You would never have been happy with me and without your family. But deep down somewhere I think I hold that against her. Maybe I’m just looking for someone to blame other than myself for the pain? I don’t know. And I don’t know if we will ever be able to patch things up between us.

[chiefs1983]

I have been trying to not think of you. It’s not that I want to forget you. I just wanted to push you out of my mind until it stops hurting to think of you. It must be a coping mechanism. Iv done it before when we initially went our separate ways. It worked this time for a short while. It helped me ignore the pain and bury it for a bit. It’s back again tho. I’m going to go back to trying to ignore it and not think of you. I guess it’s the only way I can keep functioning.

[chiefs1983]

I saw that it snowed up there. I’m glad. I hope you enjoyed it.

[chiefs1983]

I wish I had the maturity I have now back then. I could have been there for you more.

[chiefs1983]

I pray that in this new year and new decade you find happiness, content, and peace. I hope you spend every waking moment of this decade with a smile on your face and with joy in your heart. I pray you spend it laughing your magnificent laugh, smiling your illuminating smile, an outward manifestation of the happiness glowing inside you. I pray that you are blessed with health throughout the year and decade. I pray that in this year and decade you grow your relationship with your Lord, that your faith grows, and your presence with Him is increased, for it is in His rememberance that you can truly find peace. I pray that you continue to enjoy success in your work and all the other goals and dreams you have. I pray that you continue to command the respect of those who work with you, your team, your supperiours and beyond. I pray that those who try and stand in your way and are jealous of you are blessed with softer hearts and the hate in them for you is replaced with respect. I pray that your family are all also blessed with health and happiness this year and decade. I pray that the bond between all of you remains strong and any weaknesses in it are removed. Life is not all sunshine and rainbows. So when the tough times come, I pray that you are granted the strength of heart, mind, and character to see them through. I pray that you are blessed with the best in this world and the next, Ameen.

Happy New Years, and New Decade.

[chiefs1983]

I am a better man. I’m certainly not perfect. I make the same mistakes over and over. But I’m a better man. I had the love of my life. It wasn’t meant to be. But I still could have honored our love better. I made some major mistakes. I still make mistakes, but I will not make those major mistakes again. I didn’t deserve her nor her love yet I still had it and for that I am grateful. I will keep trying to be a better man. My life has a purpose. I will focus on that purpose from here on out. The pain will never go away. But focusing on that purpose will atleast make my life meaningful. Then perhaps when I stand before my lord, the only One who knows of the pain inside, I can have some face, and perhaps He will accept what I have done and the struggle I went through to be better. And perhaps, even tho I will not have you, He will remove the pain from me and replace it with peace. Perhaps then my life would not have been a waste and filled with horrific mistakes, purposeless pain, and regrets. Perhaps then it would have had some meaning.

[chiefs1983]

I failed you in almost every way. I think I learned from it. I try not to make promises I can’t keep anymore. I try and be a better man. I’m not sure how much better I am though. I have so many regrets. I’m all alone inside. I don’t need someone to fill that void. There is no one who can except you. But you are gone, forever.