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When people ask me for advice, I always tell them to let go of what doesn't make them happy anymore, and I am in awe of how many people still choose to endure the pain until they no longer can just to have a little bit more time with the person who causes them so much pain in hopes of turning things around. People are really stubborn, aren't they?

And then I think through, and I find myself laughing because even I can't follow my own advice.

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Let's make Labor Day a productive day! 😋

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at Boracay

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What I'd give to be in the beach right now. Boracay Sem Break 2013. (at Boracay Island, Philipines)

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"I wasn't the first so might as well be the last."

There were no grand gestures but thankful for all the simple things -- they really do matter the most in the long run. Thank you 😊

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April 13, 2014 sunrise.

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If there's something I learned from the past few months, it would be about how people never stop missing the ones who left.

It has been almost 7 months since gramps left and the pain is still surreal. There was no time wherein I looked back on that week and shed no tear. They say time heals, it really does, but it doesn't really fill in the emptiness. I miss the greatest man in my life, the one I know I can always run up to no matter how bad life gets, and the one who treats me like a princess even during the times when I didn't deserve to be. I would have hated every single thing in the universe, whatever life played that took you away from me but I can't because I know that's not how you would want me to take everything that happened. I will always remember how your mere presence could light up the whole room -- your corny jokes, your stories about your childhood that I will never get tired of listening to. How I wish I could listen to them again.

I miss you, gramps. Beyond what words could express, beyond the understanding of how much a person could terribly miss someone.

And if what they say is true, if we would see each other again, you'll be the first one I would love to hug up there.

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Comfort

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How vacation so far looks like

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"Life is not meant to be lived in one place." An incomplete summary of adventures and sunsets. ☀️

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Here’s my piece for the “It Came From 1984” show at Bottleneck Gallery. Wish I had more time to work on the lighting for this, but I was really happy to work on a tribute piece for Sixteen Candles!

Prints will be available at the gallery and online at the gallery’s website. 

Opening Reception / Feb 7th 7:00pm-10:00pm

www.bottleneckgallery.com

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To the best gramps in the world,

I miss you. I miss you everyday. It's been months since you left us but the pain is still there.. Your absence is very much felt. The separation when I moved to college was still not enough to be a sort of preparation for this. I can't believe the person who raised me up, who has always been there for me, is not by my side anymore. It's still surreal in some ways.

The day you left us has got to be the worst day of my life. I've always been scared by the thought of you leaving. If someone were to make me cry before, all they have to do is mention you being gone -- that was my worst fear. I can't believe I'm living in that nightmare. It's real.. You're not here anymore. I can't drive off to where you are or get a plane ticket and fly off to see you, it doesn't work that way. And it sucks. How I wish it was that easy.. What I'd give to see you again.

I just find it so unfair I was not able to tell you all the things I wanted you to know. How sorry I am, how much I love you, how important you are to me. I know I've had my shortcomings and there might have been times I've disobeyed you but man, not a second did I not regret those. I'm thankful that God has given me a loving and forgiving lolo like you. You've made me realize how important the little things are.

I miss hearing you tell your stories about how life was back when you were still a kid, how you go to school, how big the worth of 75 cents were then, how your dad used to spank you for being a hard-headed kid, all those. Even your corny jokes, gramps. I miss them. I remember you always asking me to pull your white hairs and I would always complain about how tiring and boring that was, but now, I miss them. How I wish I could still do it. How I wish I could hear your voice again. There was a time when you told me "Pag wala na ko, maaalala mo pa rin ako pag may puting buhok. Ha ha!" and oh boy, how right you were about that, gramps. I almost cried when you told me that.. Just the thought of you being gone scares the hell out of me already. I don't even know how I get through everyday knowing you're not here anymore.

The words I heard on the phone while you were in the hospital still echoes on my head, these painful words repeat over and over my head and they still make me cry. "Che, nirerevive na lang si Tatay." I broke down when I heard those words from the other line. It was impossible. You were not going to leave me just like that. You weren't suppose to leave.. I didn't want you to. I wish my last words to you were more memorable -- more meaningful. But it wasn't. I was in shock, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say when I saw you struggling.. I wish I was able to hug you for the least.

Gramps, even at your last breath, you still did not fail to teach me a huge life lesson: how important it is to tell the people you love how you really love them -- how important it is for you to make them feel your love because we'll never know when's the last day we're ever going to be with them. It sounds like such a cliche but you'll never really know what it means, and how it feels, until you're in the situation itself. Now, I understand what that truly meant. I wish I knew it before I even lost you.

And gramps, thank you for showing me how much a person can really love. The love you had with lola was priceless. I saw how you took care of her, and I saw true love. Thank you for letting me see how two people grow old together. It's a genuine thing I would also love to experience for myself. Although I know you don't want it right now, I'm not in a hurry. Hehe. I can imagine you giving that look about boys. Hahaha. Help me choose the right one, okay? I know you'll be there to guide me through everything. Just like you always did.

I know I'm not being coherent with the things I'm saying anymore, I just don't know how to tell all these but I know you understand what I'm saying, gramps. You've always understood me. You know, when you left, I felt really alone. People were there for me but it felt like I couldn't run to anyone anymore, like no one was going to protect me from bad things anymore, because you've always been the one to do that for me. I felt strong and confident because I know whatever happens, I can always run up to you and you'll still be proud of me no matter what. I would want to live on with your legacy, you've touched so many people's lives. I know it because during your funeral, a lot of people we did not even know were there, grieving for your loss, sharing all their stories of their encounter with you and how much of a great man you were. Gramps, I never got to say this to you but I'm proud of you. I'm proud to have you as my lolo, I'm proud that I'm your favorite apo. Hehe. Everyone knew how devastating it was for me when you left because they saw and knew how much you cared for me. That's why you're my favorite person as well. No one can change that, gramps. :-)

Honestly, death doesn't scare me that much anymore 'cause when it arrives, I know I'll be able to see you again. (But not so soon, please... Hahaha) And when I go to the life after this, you'll be the first person I would want to hug up there. :-) I know you're in a better place now, gramps. Know that you'll always be in my heart, no matter what. I love you very much, gramps. I owe everything to you. I'll wait for the day when I'll get to see you again and hug you, and get your puting buhok again. Haha. Love you, gramps!! Thanks for everything. You've been the best man in my life. I miss you.

Love,

Your favorite apo. ;)

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Snake Island in Honda Bay, Puerto Princesa, Palawan. January 2012.

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Manuel V. Pangilinan Building.

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First sunset of December 2012. ☺ View from the hospital room. #sunset