cherryoftheorient

[cherryoftheorient]

tumblr princess meeti era 💪💪💪🔥🔥🔥

anyways look at my bridgerton art i made this as hw for kat tsai’s color and lighting class lol 😭 also I LOOVE KATE SHARMA SO MUCH 💗💗💗💗

[cherryoftheorient]

forests

ink + watercolour

1000 creatures challenge (118/1000)

[cherryoftheorient]

It wasn't just the sex anymore.

Back then, when I fail to fulfill one of his "physical" requests, I would feel bad and stressed about it. It's not because he pressures me to do it. It was more on my want to fulfill his wants and needs.

But today, I was okay even when I did not do it. I was more happy on being honest with him with my feelings. Not really that honest. I am not planning to tell him that I love him. More on the fact that I told him that he means so much to me and that he is that happy little something in my life.

It was no longer just the sex but the connection we have even without it.

[cherryoftheorient]

The end of it

It’s been two months now since we left the company and decided to end our little agreement.

Days before that, he had been bugging me about how his conscience has been eating him up and that he wants to “clean up” our friendship. Not for the sake of his family but for the sake of his morality.

I got fed up and thought that if things are ending, I would rather that I am the one who ends things.

It hurts a lot but he thanked me. Not the reaction that I was expecting but it is what it is.

At that time, I did tell him that I am still ready to continue the agreement if he felt like doing it again. I was clinging to him. Clinging to the thought of both of us even if he always clearly state that I am just his best friend.

I admit that that time, I was ready to throw everything away if he decides to continue what we were doing. I cried for days and nights for his affection.

It still hurts now but I guess things changed.

There was this huge thorn that I got rid of that was lodging in my chest for almost two years. That constant fear of saying something or doing something that will make him decide to end our agreement. That dread I felt for the coming days because I know that the end of our “situation” was coming fast.

All of those heavy feelings, I realize, were gone the moment I ended things.

It’s like I breathed a sigh of relief despite the sadness I felt because I would no longer be as physically close to him as I did before.

I am not yet fully rid of him though. There were still some days where he asks me to do stuff for him (physically) and he still arranged for us to meet saying that it will be the “last time” coz he was already feeling bad.

Honestly, I am not looking forward to it. I try not to think about it coz if I do, I will just convince my self into thinking that I was excited for it.

I am okay now. Feeling incomplete because that warm body next to me is now gone, but at least the dread is gone too.

Even if that upcoming meeting turns into a simple coffee talk, I am fine with it.

I am realizing many things and I hope that soon, I will not think about our agreement anymore. I hope that someday I would learn to say no to him and finally, whatever we had would be the last.

[cherryoftheorient]

For almost a decade, iniisip ko kung ano mangyayari kung tinanggap ko yung mga advances ni K. Iniisip ko na siguro exciting ang makipag relasyon sa tulad nyang may asawa na.

Ngayon na andito ako at kakatapos ko lang ng "relasyon" ko kay R, naisip ko na mabuti nalang talaga di ko tinanggap ang advances ni K. Di sya katulad ni R na mahal ako (in his own way) at nag care for me. I am sure na si K ay ididiscard ako in a heartbeat di tulad ni R na ayaw mawala ang friendship and connection namin.

Oo, alam ko na di na kami katulad ng dati. Di na kami kasing close or sweet ng dati dahil sa distance at dahil na din sa di na kami palaging magkasama katulad ng dati.

Pero atleast alam ko na may isang tao na handang samahan ako kung ano man ang mangyari.

Ang tanga ko lang talaga para maghangad na walang magbabago. Umaasa ako eh, na atleast kahit yung samin eh di magbabago.

Pero diba, paano ako mag move on kung panay parin ako umaasa na babalik ang lahat exactly how it was before.

Ayun lang naman.

Sana unti unti na talaga ako maka move on.

Kelangan ko na ulit ituloy ang buhay ko.

[cherryoftheorient]

Last week during lunch time, after eating, I was fixing my self up. Applying lipstick again and I didn't notice at first that he was looking at me.

When I did, I asked him "Why?"

He smiled and asked, "Why are you putting on lipstick? You're wearing a mask. No one will see it."

"So I can look beautiful."

"But you already are."

"Ok, so that I can look MORE beautiful."

"There."

At the time, I thought nothing of it. But thinking back, I thought that was sweet of him.

I love how he touches my cheek and tells me how beautiful I am.

[cherryoftheorient]

I think of you tonight, as I lie here in my bed.

Are you thinking of me too?

You did not reply to my message. Are you busy? Are you having fun in your vacation with your family?

I took the risk and viewed her pictures and videos and saw a glimpse of you.

Hers is thr life that I would always dream of. A life where I could sleep at night and wake up in the morning with you by my side.

You went home to visit your family in the province and you took her and your son with you. That's something I can only wish for.

This is getting tiring but it's hard for me to let you go. I thought leaving the company would be a solutiin but yoy went ans opened a business with me. Ensuring the connection even when we don't work together anymore.

I love you but I am hurting. I think I am alreadt emotionally dependent on you.

[cherryoftheorient]

It's crazy how I travelled an hour for a bootycall.

[cherryoftheorient]

So many things has happened these days.

We were called out by the management in the office for being way too close which I confess is also my fault for being too touchy.

Also, he's been giving out a lot of clear signs lately. Like mentioning that we are just friends thar sometimes crosses the boundary and things like that. Of course, he didn't fail to mention that our physical intimacy will come to an end in the near future but he wishes for our friendship to continue.

The other day I saw his chat to his wife and how he said "I love you".

I guess that is him setting the boundary between us.

I understand and in a matter of sense, I do not complain about it. Of course, there is that little sting I feel in my chest but then again, I can't deny the fact that I am in love with a fantasy of him.

Part of the reason why I am in to deep is because of the pretense relationship that I created on my social media.

I keep on getting hooked on the bare minimum things that he did because I've never felt those things.

I can feel it. Deep down, I am already pulling away fron him. Little by little. Although sometimes I go back a step behind, I could still feel my self progressing.

I did not cry while writing this and I think that's a good thing.

At the end of the day, no matter how much I prayed for it, a relationship with him is not a good idea.

Truth is, he never really remembered the small details about me while I do with him. Not his fault.

Anyway, that's just it. I keep looking forward to the day that he no longer has a strong hold on me. Our physical intimacy while I still do kind of enjoy still have become less and less exciting.

[cherryoftheorient]

We are not in a romantic relationship but the things that I am going through, the emotions that I have been feeling, are all things that I experienced when I was in one.

Sadly, I can't demand anything from you.

[cherryoftheorient]

These past few days, I've been on the edge and a little moody especially when I'm around him or in the middle of things concerning him.

I know our relationship is very complicated and although the sex is good, things are not up to my expectations.

Most of the times I get really tired of his fickle affection for me. It's like I am always chasing after it, to be showered by his little affection only to be shut down with him calling me his "bestfriend".

I longed for more. I know that I shouldn't since I am just the other girl, but I can live with it as long as he acknowledges that our relationship is romantic and none of this "just friends" bullshit.

I question my self if I was just imagining our situation. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not. Who knows?

All I know is that, even if he makes my heart flutter with his words and sometimes actions, I find that, lately, I more down because of him.

Shouldn't I be comfortable around him?

Wasn't that the whole point of it all?

Or maybe I am like this because he is keeping me from the world. Not "allowing" me to go out with people and such because I am too impulsive and might make decisions that I will regret soon.

I've lost friends that I got outside of my world that includes him. I rarely go out without him now because I had to keep my self available for the time that he asks us to meet. I had to do that because those times will be rare and will need to be timed.

I don't want to accept it but the truth is I'm already tired.

I'm getting tired of our situtation where I can't ask more from him and I just need to settle with what he can give.

I gave out so much in the past to my family, my friends, my past relationship. I am entering my 30s and I want to be the one to ask. I want to be the selfish one for once.

I'm sick of us not being able to go out publicly and needing to hide. I'm sick of sitting at the back of his car when he drives because it wouldn't look good because he is married.

I am a capable woman who worked hard for her reputation and I deserve to be shown to the public. I deserve someone who can show me off to the world.

I know I will leave this situation. I just know it. Maybe not any time soon since I can't just easily let go of the situation but it will happen. And I just know that when it happens, it will remove a great, big thorn from my chest.

I know the cards showed the same things, that he is the one and that our connection is special and that he will soon come in with an offer. But I am tired, Universe. I've waited patiently and have given my all. I'll leave the rest to you.

[cherryoftheorient]

Looking at his pictures and his family, it dawned on me how I am not part of that world.

I live in this little bubble of his fantasies but that's just it.

I am never a part of his reality. I am but just a small spark or a little corner that he goes to to fulfill his desires.

A little game to pass his time.

I wish I cam stop this now.

It hurts.

[cherryoftheorient]

I don't know what I am supposed to do now.

[cherryoftheorient]

All signs point to him loving me and that we are fated for each other but what's happening now is opposite from that.

I am tired and hurr. I love him, there is no question to that.

[cherryoftheorient]

someday

It feels like I finally breathe again. I still think of you - but you don’t consume my every thought. I still check up on you, but my stomach isn’t in knots anymore when your pictures pop up. When I look back on us, my heart still makes a fist - but not as tight. Letting go is a process - and slowly, I am releasing my grip.

[cherryoftheorient]

Having to hide is not fun anymore.

I am starting to feel degraded.

[cherryoftheorient]

It hurts because I know there is nothing I can do to take all of his stress away.

I want him to stay. I do. So much.