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cherrychapsthicc · 1 year ago

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Oooo I have a request where reader is a scout and she has been with levi for a few years, then one day she gets lost during a mission and everyone assumes she’s dead (levi never gives up hope) but she was actually taken to marley. when levi and the gang go to marley before erens attack he ends up seeing her and tries to make her come with them but her memories are gone so she has no idea who he is or what hes talking about. Hope this is okay!

Til Death Do Us Part (Part One)

Pairing: Canon!Levi x F!Reader

Word Count: 6K

Warnings: Canon typical violence, grief, brief mention of self harm thoughts

A/N: did i have to look at an old post of mine to remember my formatting? yes, yes i did, it's been that long since i've posted ajkdibfiebgbeik.

ANON! i hope you don't mind me taking a few creative liberties with this, because the concept has me actually frothing at the mouth. like you've inspired a two, maybe three parter long fic which has been stuck in my head for MONTHS NOW! please i have such ideas for the next few parts but, i hope you enjoy part one!

Part 2

Tagging: @maries-gallery (there you are sweets)

Signature for a funding request? Done. Levi mentally crossed off one of the endless tasks on his list of things to do tonight. He’d had very little time recently, with Eren being kidnapped, finding out Kenny the Ripper was his uncle, Historia’s coronation, and now Erwin’s plan to take back Wall Maria. Paperwork had been stacking up, most noticeably the letters to families of the dead. There were times he felt like he was just repeating himself, each note feeling more and more insincere as the words ‘I regret to inform you’ burned in his mind, and for a man with no regrets, he sure as shit had to write about a lot of them. Levi didn’t know how much longer he would do this specific task tonight, he’d already taken a break to sign off on a few funding requests, training approvals, squad shifts, but now the long, long list of names beckoned him back into his abyss of grief, prompting him to think of all the comrades he’d lost in this seemingly fruitless war.

At least, with Eren’s newfound hardening ability, they actually stood a chance of retaking what was once lost, and that though alone kept Levi going, kept his wrist moving in the repetitive letters of his name. Though his fingers started to cramp, he just wanted to get this one pile done before taking another break to do different work. Four more to go, just four more…

“Need some help?” your voice carried from the doorway between his office and your shared bedroom, and Levi glanced up to where you were standing, leaning against the hardwood frame, your arms crossed over your chest, clad in one of his shirts, in soft disapproval as you watched him work, although your face held nothing but gentle understanding. Levi only realised how terrible his posture was when his back sighed in relief as he straightened up, looking to you as if you’d just offered him a fresh cup of tea, which of course, you were going to.

“You shouldn’t be awake, Corporal,” you chuckled at the use of your title, your feet padding against the floorboards as you walked over to him, your hands instantly travelling to knead his stiff shoulders, smiling delicately as he melted into your touch, posture relaxing against the back of his chair. You stooped to deliver a kiss to the top of his head, your thumbs digging a groan from his throat as you relieved his muscles of tension, inhaling his clean, almost lemony scent from the shampoo he used.

“And you shouldn’t still be working, Captain,” you retorted, your heart swelling as his hand covered your own on his shoulder, taking it to brush your knuckles against his lips, a silent thank you. His absent hum had you stooping, your arms draping down his front as you looked at what he was working on, your brows pinching in aching empathy as your eyes scanned his writing. Letters to the families of the fallen. No wonder he didn’t want to come to bed. “You know you shouldn’t do these so late, you won’t sleep, and we’ll need you tomorrow. More than ever.,” you softly chastised, looking at his face out of the corner of your eye. Levi rolled his own eyes, knowing you were right but not wanting to admit it. Comfort spread throughout his chest as your head rested against his in such a way he could feel your jaw muscles move as you talked.

You two fell into a blanket of silence, content to enjoy the moment of domesticity in a world where death lurks around every corner. He may not say it as often as he knew he should, but Levi was so grateful for you. Ever since you had wandered into his life and completely threw him for a loop, he was so so grateful for you, that you were here, alive, healthy. Still with him, like you had been for five years now. Five of the best, yet most terrifying years of his life. Terrifying because he was so scared of losing you. He was so scared of you dying out there. Of him never being able to say the things he can’t right now, not whilst there was still the danger of either, or both of you dying.

‘Will you marry me?’ was one of those things. One of the things he could never bring himself to ask. He wasn’t scared you would reject him, he was actually more scared of you saying yes. Simply because the thought of losing you having promised ‘til death do us part’ was even more harrowing. And he couldn’t do that. He simply couldn’t. So the silver ring just sits in his desk drawer, the one that needs the key, and has been sitting there for the last seven months.

The absence of your touch brought him back, looking up to see you dragging a chair over to his desk and planting yourself by his side, a spare, black feather pen grasped firmly in your hand as you split the second stack of papers. You always knew what he needed. Even before you two started seeing each other, you would often knock on his door late in the evening to offer your assistance. The first time it happened he thought you were just trying to kiss his ass into giving you a promotion, but it was only until after talking to you did he realise you really didn’t want that.

“I’ll be honest, Sir, the paperwork you have to do is enough to put anybody off that sort of thing. I’m happy where I am now.”

After that he came to expect your nightly visits, often bringing some sort of warm beverage and stolen treats you’d cheekily nicked from the kitchens. He always vowed to one day to dob you in if you continued, tell the cooks exactly where their desserts went, but of course he never did. Turns out Levi has a secret sweet tooth not even he was aware of. But of course you knew. Somehow. You always knew.

His eyes glanced down to the movement of your pen, noticing how it perfectly mimicked his writing, flawlessly copying his style as the ink seeped into the parchment. The softest smile drew across his lips, before he leaned over, placing a small kiss against your temple. For a moment he thought you were too engrossed in your work to notice, until your other hand crossed over to take his, squeezing gently in gratitude.

Once again that blanket wrapped you in a comfortable silence, the only sounds from either of you being the monotonous scribble of metal quill on paper, the occasional little tink tink of the glass ink pot you shared, steady breaths and soft sighs as one letter became two, two became four and soon the ‘done’ pile started to look just as voluminous as the ‘to-do’ pile. And yet Levi couldn’t take his mind off that ring. That question. His fears. Should he marry you before he lost you? Would it be better to officially declare your dedication to each other before one of you died? Or should he propose after the war was over, when humanity was free from the tyranny of titans and everyday became a little safer? And yet that fucking ring taunted him. Calling him to ask you, to at least consider it with you, until–

“I’m going to marry you.”

The scratching of your pen stopped, as did your breathing. The impact of his words landing a solid hit on your concentration, mercilessly throwing you off rhythm, only for you to land in this new conversation. Struggling to recover, you slowly placed the pen down in fear of dropping it. You didn’t quite know where the tears in your eyes sprung from, which emotion had prompted such a response, but you finally chalked it down to joy. Pure, unadulterated joy.

“Right now? You should have told me, I would have got dressed.” you breathed, not quite having the tone of confident humour you would have liked. But Levi knew your uncontainable smile wasn’t from the little joke you made. He knew your searching eyes weren’t looking for some sort of humorous reaction from him, but rather any sign of deceit or doubt. He let you investigate, knowing you wouldn’t find anything other than his undying devotion to you. Your pupil’s dilating in realisation told him exactly what he’d expected.

Levi reached for your left hand, suddenly finding it difficult to hold your teary gaze as he confessed what had been on his mind lately, his thumb and forefinger gently squeezing and kneading the base of your ring finger, twisting the symbol of your union as if it was already there.

“Everything’s so… uncertain, right now. But with Eren finally proving useful, we might be in with a shot of sealing that fucking wall. Another step closer to ending this godforsaken war. If we make it out the other side, when this war is over… I’m going to marry you. That’s a promise.” when he managed to regain his courage to look you in the eye, his heart skipped a beat. Never had he seen his own emotions reflected quite like how they were now, shining back at him. Never had he seen so much of what he was feeling on somebody else’s face. Though he had seen the way you look at him from time to time, with a love that he was sure he could never match simply because he felt as if he could never love you enough, right now in this moment, knowing it was his words, his sentiment, him that managed to paint your features with the adoration you have now, he felt maybe, just maybe, he could do you justice.

You fumbled for words, trying in vain to think of anything to say back. But when words failed you, when you could do nothing but stare in awe at the man before you, your body acted on instinct. The first brush of your lips against his sent goosebumps down your arms, knowing it was in response to such a lifelong promise. When he opened his mouth for you and helped you onto his lap, that was when you poured everything you couldn't say out loud into his heart. This was where your words went, into your actions.

Your hands tangled in his hair, his own secured your waist. Neither of you wanted to move, neither of you wanted to pull away. Here, in his arms, against his lips, dancing with his tongue, nothing mattered. The world of rancid corpses faded away until it felt like nothing else, nobody else, existed but the two of you. It had always felt like the two of you against the world anyway. Your arms came to wrap around his neck, holding him as close to you as you could whilst you both drowned in each other’s presence, only realising his hands had moved from your waist when you felt his thumbs brush away the tears on your cheeks, pulling back just so he could look you in the eyes. “I take it that’s a yes, then?” the question was rhetorical, of course it was. He knew you would say yes, even though he technically still hadn’t asked you.

“Survive and find out, Ackerman.” you bargained with a teary, cheeky smile, your arms still locked around his neck as your forehead rested against his, closing your eyes in content as you basked in the comfort of his embrace, knowing he had full intentions of officially making you his, and him yours.

“I love you.” It was always a rare, special moment when Levi confesses his adoration for you, when he lets himself be vulnerable enough in front of you to speak his mind and heart. You once again allowed your actions to speak for you, still a little too choked up to come out with a sincere enough response. Tilting your head, you allowed yourself to lean forward further into his embrace, resting your cheek atop the crown of his head, your fingers gently threading through his hair. You knew one of his primary love languages was touch. You’d known this since before you were dating him. One slightly drunken, open conversation filled night, you’d actually managed to get some more personal information out of him. Of course nothing in comparison to what you know now, but more than enough to secure your affection for the ravenette.

“I love you too.” Levi smiled into your neck, knowing you couldn’t see such a soft expression. You smelt like him, in this shirt, using his shower gel, his cleaning products. You belonged to him, and everybody knew it. You belonged with each other. That familiar smouldering warmth engulfed his chest with this knowledge, the knowledge that nobody could take you from him. Nobody could steal you away. You’d be by his side even after the war ended.

If you both survived.

Could things get any worse? Probably not. If you were being totally honest with yourself, you knew this wasn’t going to be a pleasant day. You both did. But neither of you quite expected the literal worst possible scenario.

“We’re fucked.” you breathed, the slight breeze from atop the now sealed wall floated your cape like a flag, the proud flapping of the Scouts insignia simply adding salt to the already rather grave wound. On the one side, the Armoured titan, previously known as Reiner Braun. On the other, whatever fresh hell the Beast titan posed, surrounded by mindless, vile creatures. Up on the wall, Levi to your right, Hange to your left, Erwin beyond that. But with the wind how it was, only Hange heard your quiet lament, their hazel eyes glancing at you from beneath their hood.

“We’ve faced worse,” usually you could count on Hange to clear the air, reassure you with their boundless optimism. But even they couldn’t keep up the façade, from the greyish blue light of the sky, a light that vaguely reminded you of Levi’s irises, you could see the dwindling hope of escape. The harrowing realisation that this was most likely where the Scouts fell. Glancing to Levi at your right, you’re possibly the only person who could discern that same emotion on his unreadable features. The ever so slight crease in his thin brows, the slightly deeper frown. That’s when you knew you were fucked.

You released a breath, watching the condensed cloud evaporate into nothing, much like how you envision your souls in a few moments. Levi, as if sensing your resolve, turned his gaze from the beast before him, to you. But you refused to look at him. You didn’t want him to see you afraid. Not now. He’d seen you scared, when you’d awoken from a nightmare and thrown up the contents of your stomach, shaking and shying away from every soothing touch he tried to provide, but he’d never seen you afraid. However when he took a subtle step back and brushed his hand against yours, it was difficult to avoid much longer. Though you found not sympathy on his face, but understanding. He knew what you were feeling because he’d felt it too. You all had. Hell, even Erwin looked paler than usual, the man who always had a plan. But though his complexion may have drained of colour, he still seemed to be forming some sort of plan. Thank fuck somebody was. Even with that oversized monkey blocking the route for the horses, you were glad the Commander was able to keep a level head. You listened to him talk about the quadrupedal titan, how it must have seen you as you all snuck up under the cover of nightfall, but if you were honest, you weren’t listening very closely. Not until the furball opened it’s jaws and roared, crashing its fist into the ground moments before every single titan under 10m began running full sprint towards you.

With the ever increasing volume of the Armoured titan clambering up the side of the wall, your heart started to beat like a freight train. You were trapped. Surrounded. Certain death in every direction. Once again as if sensing your further distress, Levi locked his little finger around yours. A small display, but one that meant the world to your stuttering heart. He was with you, til the very end. He wouldn’t leave you. You nodded subtly in his direction, letting him know you were alright, before he stepped back up to where he was.

“Are you finally ready to say something? I could have had breakfast during the wait.” you couldn’t help but fondly huff towards the back of his head. A comment that was just so Levi. A perfect blend of no-bullshit blunt humour, even at a time like this. But he was barely graced with a response before Erwin began shouting orders, after what you felt was far too long a wait time.

“Dirk Squad and Marlene Squad! Protect the horses and the gate with Klaus Squad! Levi Squad and Hange Squad, take down the Armoured Titan!” a uniform salute with a chorus of “Yes Sir!” followed, yourself and Levi included. That was until Erwin stopped you in your tracks, calling back your lover’s name but, you noticed, not your’s. Your heart instantly dropped. He couldn’t separate you. He wouldn’t separate you. “I did say Levi Squad, but I need you to stay, Levi.”

Your breathing halted. But when yesterday was prompted by adoration, this was prompted by dread. You understood the reason, even before Erwin explained. You both knew he was the only one who could get to the Beast. The only one who could take it down. But that still didn’t stop the cold pit of bottomless dread opening in your stomach. You looked to Levi, who’s gaze had narrowed to Erwin. He knew the man was right. He knew this was their best shot at victory, but the mere idea of leaving you…

“It’s okay. Go, you’re needed.” you whispered, both you and Erwin sensing his hesitation. The ravenette’s gaze returned back to you once more, instantly softening upon your features, drinking them in as if this was the last time he would see you. You hoped to god that wasn’t true. Respectfully, the Commander turned his back, allowing you two as much privacy as you could afford at a time like this. Only mere seconds before Reiner reached the top of the wall.

Cupping the back of your hooded head in his hand, Levi briefly guided you into his warm embrace, a sudden longing for him gripping your emotions as you buried yourself in his neck, closing your eyes and inhaling his scent as if you were both cuddled up in bed, back home and safe.

He wouldn’t say it now. He couldn’t say it now. As much as he may have wanted to, he couldn’t say I love you. Because that sounded too final. So he settled for the next best thing he could think of.

“Survive.” It was an order. From Captain to Corporal. From superior to subordinate. From lover to lover. It was an order, and you rarely disobeyed. You nodded as you pulled back to look at him, eyes swirling with your reflected determined agony. And once again when words failed you, when you could do nothing but stare at the man before you, you let your actions do the talking, and tugged him down into a searing kiss, your lips moulding instantly, perfectly, against his own. It was brief, a whirlwind of passionate promises, and it was over far too quickly, not even enough time for Levi to properly hold you. Still, the lump in your throat refused to flatten.

Your heads both snapped to your left the moment Reiner’s Armoured hand clamped over the side of the wall.

You were out of time.

“Go.” you softly instructed. A moment of reluctance, before you both turned your backs on each other. You, to join the fight alongside Eren and Hange, Levi to join the fight alongside Erwin and the rest of the Scouts. But the pit in your stomach refused to close.

“Couple’s time is over, I see,” Hange smirked upon your approach. How they could stay so calm given the circumstances, you would never know. But the weight on both your mind and heart matched that of the Thunderspears on both your arms. Biceps burning slightly, you mentally thanked your Captain and lover for all those extra ‘training dates’ he would call them. At the time, you knew they were an excuse to both spend time with you, and also make sure you were getting stronger. It gave him peace of mind, to know you were capable enough to look after himself. You’d never been so grateful for them until now.

“Hange, that might have been the last time either of us see each other alive, some empathy would be appreciated,” you stared flatly at the Section Commander, watching as they turned to you, their hazel eyes alight with the oncoming battle.

“If you wanted empathy, maybe the Scouts was the wrong place for ya.”

“Tell that to my eight years of experience.” you responded instantly, and despite the imminent death surrounding you, you couldn’t help but share a smile with the scientist. You knew Hange was quite empathetic, it was needed to be so high up in command. One needed to have empathy, to understand the feelings of the soldiers beneath them, before making decisions that would most likely put their lives in danger. You always thought it was something Erwin lacked as the Commander. Something you still weren’t sure he possessed.

Lightning struck behind you, not that you made a move. Eren’s transformations didn’t bother you so much these days. A far cry from the flinches and whirls of surprise whenever he would use his ability to shift. Rather, seeing the long haired titan filled you with relief. The fight seemed a little more even now. A little more possible. Less one sided. However you wanted to put it.

All eyes slid to the top of the wall, and the two figures standing against the greying sky. One significantly larger than the other. You figured Levi must have already zipped down to the front, assisting where he could. Your heart instantly ached to be by his side. A longing you knew wouldn’t settle until you were wrapped up in his arms once again, safe back behind the walls. All eyes watched as Reiner turned, seemingly ignoring The Commander, and sliding back down the wall he’d just spent so much effort climbing. Thundering footsteps behind you had you glancing at Eren’s retreating figure. This was bait. It must be. Reiner couldn’t know about all the soldiers armed to the teeth with spears that could pierce his armour like a knife through sponge. He couldn’t possibly know about the advancements made by the Scouts in the short time he revealed himself as an enemy of humanity. Both him and his gangly fucking friend. You tasted venom on your saliva as the blonde shifter began the chase, putting whatever overall goal they all had on hold as he went for the cadet.

“Can’t fucking believe this is working.” you hadn’t even noticed Moblit on the other side of Hange, his perpetually worried face even more creased than usual. You started to think whether the lines in between his eyebrows were actually embedded into his skull at this point. The joys of being Hange’s personal assistant, you supposed.

A soft chuckle rose from the scientist as they simply stood and observed, watching as Eren finally turned to face The Armoured. The last time these two threw down, it didn’t end well for him. But, you hoped, since Reiner didn’t have the help of the Colossal this time, wherever the hell Bertholdt was hiding away, maybe Eren stood a bit more of a chance. Not only that, but you had the power of the Thunderspears now. You couldn’t forget that. This was a battle you could win.

You hoped all was going well on Levi’s side as you fired your anchors, engaging your gas as you linked up with the rest of your squad. The kids you had watched grow from children to soldiers in the span of a month or so. You were almost proud as you watched Connie and Sasha’s teamwork, as you heard Jean’s brutal yet determined encouragement. As you witnessed Mikasa’s impressive skills and Armin’s brain work. You half wished Levi was here to see how his squad gelled so well thanks to his guidance. That flare of pride only grew as the shockwave of Thunderspear explosions rattled your ears, Hange and Mikasa’s coordinated attack striking Reiner in the eyes. You were part of the second stage of attack, the spears that would fly towards the nape. The explosions you so expertly dodged –you weren’t Corporal to Levi Ackerman for nothing– before landing soundly next to the section commander and their assistant.

“One more round. One more attack, and–” you covered your ears the second Reiner opened his mouth. A desperate scream of terror induced rage shook the buildings beneath you, loose stone and rubble jumping around as you tried your damndest to shut out the ear-splitting scream. It seemed like a split second of forever when he finally stopped, your eyes wide, your breathing unhinged. What the hell was that just now?

Hange turned their attention to Armin, the brains they knew the kid possessed now working overtime as those blue eyes looked back to them in confirmation.

Yes. That was a signal. Yes, most likely to Bertholdt. Yes, you should all get the fuck out of here as fast as you could.

As if on cue, your squad looked up to the trajectory of a barrel, and the body that just flew from it. It was Bertholdt, without a shadow of a doubt. Fear lanced through your chest, your last thoughts turning to Levi as you engaged your gas with the intention of getting out of the blast range. Not that you could. You’d all seen what destructive power the Colossal titan possessed. You were all as good as dead.

“REINER!”

You couldn’t tell if it was the wind in your shattered eardrums, or whether you did actually just hear yet another desperate scream. Though this one sounded much more human. You chanced a glance behind you, only for your heart to break ever so slightly. This was Bertholdt. Throughout the entire time you’d known the kid, he was never once ruthless. He was never once cold blooded. He was nice. Sweet. A little shy. And seemingly hung up on…

Annie.

You understood now. You understood how Armin got through to him last time. If anybody used Levi against you like that, you would have acted the same. That raw, unbridled compulsion to protect him, and you knew he had that same compulsion. That same urge to keep you safe, no matter who got hurt in the process. You were brought out of your strange reverie, considering the circumstances, by the severe lack of explosion. Firing your anchors into an intect spire, your twisted feet finding purchase on the rough stone as you watched the scene unfold.

It was Armin who confronted the wolf in the guise of a lamb, and though you couldn’t quite hear what they were saying, you could tell from Bertholdt’s expression, the blonde had once again brought up the subject of Annie. That same hollow eyed look you recognised from before. The wild, unrestrained gestures from the taller man. No, you thought. Kid. They were all still kids. 15 at most. Were those who used these two any better than you sending out those same 15 year old kids to die at the hands of the man eating monsters? What was their agenda? They must have an ulterior motive. Their sole purpose couldn’t be to wipe out what was left of humanity. What would be the point? Where did they even come from? Was there really nothing left outside these–

“MIKASA!”

Your head snapped back to reality, eyes re-focussing on the dark haired girl currently tumbling from the rooftop. Bertholdt had landed a harsh blow to the side of her head, a counter attack to the vicious slice of her blade to his ear. You were moving before you’d even registered firing your anchors, gas hissing behind you as your instincts to help the cadet kicked in. Instantly your hands fell to her wires, only slightly tangled due to the short fall.

“Get up. He’s gonna transform and we’re right beneath the blast range.” It was a short, firm order, and one the girl didn’t hesitate to follow as her limbs were untangled. But she seemed to pause, obsidian eyes set on you. “The hell are you waiting for? GO!” you shouted, desperately ushering her away with an outstretched arm. You had a feeling she knew what you did. Mikasa was faster than you, not by much, but she’s a young Ackerman. She would just be able to clear the blast range. You, on the other hand…

“Thank you.” she muttered earnestly, before turning on her heels and in a short leap and pull of a trigger, she was gone. You took your chances the opposite way. Mikasa would have wanted to get back to Eren, no matter how close or far away the boy was. You, on the other hand, like most, simply wanted to clear the blast range. A quick glance up had your stomach dropping. Bertholdt was already at his peak height, high enough to simply bite his hand and transform. You weren’t going to make it. You were still very much beneath the explosion. Maybe you wouldn’t be caught up in the flame, but the shockwave would definitely send you spiralling.

A strange calm settled over your racing mind as your thoughts turned to Levi, a gentle smile pulling at your lips as you relaxed into your fate. With your eyes closing, the thunderous explosion rattling the earth behind you, you held his hand one last time, your mind’s eye showing you comfort, before searing agony seized your spine, and you remembered no more.

Nope, not you… that wasn’t you either, not you, not you, not you–

Levi scanned the small crowd of survivors, most ashen faced and bloodsoaked, but still breathing. Hange’s arrival had been a welcome relief with the circumstances as they were. He couldn’t have fought off Mikasa alone, the little Ackerman having overpowered him due to the exhaustion that clung to his bones like lead. He felt heavy. Limbs, muscles, mind. Everything felt heavy. He’d chosen some kid over the Commander. Some child over his friend. He’d convinced himself at the time it was the right thing to do, Hange too nodding in agreement, but could he really sleep at night knowing he let Erwin die?

Yeah, he decided. Yeah, he could. If you would just show your face already so he could relax for the first time since yesterday evening. So many among the dead. Though it may have technically been a victory, nobody was celebrating. The air stank of death and decay, iron lingering on his tongue. He just needed to know where you were. Collapse into your hold and just let the world around him melt away. He just needed to see you, to feel you, to touch you–

“Captain Levi, Sir…”

He was so sick of hearing that tone. Using that tone. It was a tone of informative grief. He’d used it time and time again when he had time to visit the families of the fallen, but not once had he ever heard it directed to himself. He’d never felt his blood freeze with so few words.

Not you… not you, not you–

“What?” he responded, flat toned and stone faced. Emotions pummeling against the solid wall he’d spent years constructing, filling in any cracks that may have appeared over the years. It was Mikasa currently using that tone, not something he ever expected. The girl was just as cold as he was when she wanted to be, and most of the time it was directed at him anyway. But hearing so much emotion in her voice, so much sympathy… it instantly had him on edge.

“The Corporal… I wanted you to know that she, she saved my life–”

A crack.

“I attempted to take down Bertholdt but he anticipated it, sent me down. Caught up in my ODM gear, the Corporal helped detangle me…”

A split.

“I think she knew… I think she knew she wouldn’t make it out but, she did it anyway. She saved my life, I’m here now because of her and I’m– I’m sorry.”

Shatter.

It was you. It was always you. You were here you were there you were everywhere you were–

“Gone…”

You were gone. Gone. The word repeated in his head, a carousel of grief circling in his mind. You were gone… you were gone. It no longer sounded like a word. Looked like a word. The O was wrong. Was there always an E? It looked distorted, sounded twisted. You were gone. Levi always thought when his walls shattered, it would be overwhelming. It would drown him, emotions welling up and spilling over until he was ready to burst but he felt… he felt nothing. Like the sudden void in his chest had absorbed everything. A piercing silence screamed in his ears. There was nothing, nothing nothing nothing–

Because you were gone.

And suddenly the weight of the ring didn’t feel so joyous anymore. Suddenly the next few years weren’t filled with hope, but rather agonising emptiness. He couldn’t see it. There was no future. It stopped here. There was nothing left. Nothing to work towards.

He told you to survive. He’d fucking ordered you to survive. It wasn’t like you to disobey. Not once did you question his orders. Not once did you fail to follow them. He could trust you, he could rely on you, he could love you with so much of the heart you stitched back together, using your own red string. The sutures bursting, the thread fraying. You were gone.

“Levi…?” it was Hange. Levi’s mind pleaded with him; ‘Let them in, please let them in, we need them, we need help, we can’t do this alone!’ a ridiculous folly. He’d done everything alone. He’d always been alone. It didn’t matter that he had you, that you’d been with him. You and him against the world.

The idea made him laugh bitterly.

“Levi?”

How long had he been on autopilot? How long had his muscles remembered this feeling, and taken over. How long had he simply been going through the motions? Judging from the gentle glowing flicker of candlelight, it had been the rest of the journey back. From Shiganshina to HQ. He felt cold, but he didn’t feel cold. He didn’t feel anything. He last saw you atop the wall. Alive. Breathing. Feeling. Shaking, crying, shivering, drowning, drowning drowning drowningdrowningdrowning–

“Levi!” Hardwood bit into his knees but it wasn’t the bite he deserved. That pain, this pain, he needed it, craved it. Anything, anything anything to take this away. To drown, he needed to drown, in what he didn’t know, but he needed to drown. He winced at a harsh claw in his hair, only to realise it was his hand, scratching against his scalp. It was his tears soaking his sleeve, his voice that cracked and sobbed. His heart that shattered in his chest. He was drowning.

And it was pathetic. Looking down at himself, shrivelled, curled. He looked like a child. A scared, disgusting, broken, tired, so so tired–

“She’s gone…” they were the only words he’d managed to choke out since he lost you. At least, the only ones he chose. All other words were empty, devoid of thought. But those two, these two, they consumed him. You weren’t just gone.

He’d lost you.

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cherrychapsthicc · 2 years ago

Text

Rush

Chapter 11: Something About Us

Pairing: Eren Jaeger x f!reader

Rating: Explicit

cw: violence, angst

Summary: It might not be the right time. I might not be the right one. But there’s something about us I have to say, ‘cause there’s something between us anyway.

Notes: Thanks so much for all of those who have stuck with this story through the end. Nervous and excited to hear what you all think. Also, I know it’s cheesy, but I did use song lyrics for the summary because I I thought it was fitting. Song is “Something About Us” by Daft Punk.

Previous Chapter | ao3 | Epilogue coming soon

Rush Series Masterlist

Rush Series Taglist

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Bam.

Eren’s knuckles collide with Reiner’s jaw, causing the latter to stumble into Bertolt, who catches him and shoves him back up to his feet. A trickle of blood seeps from the side of his mouth, a split lip forming from the punch. He wipes it with the back of his hand, a cocky smirk forming on his face, challenging. As soon as he advances, Eren pounces first, gripping his collar aggressively as he wrestles him into the ground.

“Don’t fucking talk about her you fucking piece of shit!” he screams, spit flying from his mouth, a blind rage clouding his vision.

“Eren!” Armin cries out, attempting to intervene.

Reiner glares at him with a wild expression, animalistic and violent. Almost snarling as he wraps his hands around Eren’s neck, nails digging into his throat, choking him. There’s a struggle between the two, Reiner getting the advantage momentarily as he rolls over on top. Eren’s fists are clenched around his big brother’s shirt, trying to shove him off him as he fights for breath. Unable to escape, he shoves a knee into Reiner’s groin, resulting in him loosening his death grip and clutching his abdomen in pain.

Eren takes this chance to pin him against the floor again, yelling out repeatedly, “Don’t fucking talk about her! Don’t fucking talk about her!”

A crowd of brothers surround them, yelling and cheering, rowdy from the scuffle occurring in front of them. Armin enlists Jean’s help, launching themselves into the crossfire to try to lift Eren off Reiner. Erwin and Levi break through and manage to drag a disheveled and slightly bloody Reiner away from Eren, who is still fighting to get his hands on him.

Once they are a safe distance away from each other, Erwin’s voice booms out, “What is the meaning of this?”

“Why are you two shits fighting?” Levi asks, glaring at them.

“He started it!” Reiner points at Eren, wiping the remaining blood off his mouth. “He’s fucking crazy!”

“Eren, explain yourself,” Erwin demands.

He remains silent, nostrils flaring as he breathes heavily, staring at Reiner with a ferocity overwhelming his body. With no response, Erwin sighs, frustrated. “Chapter room. Now.”

He picks up Reiner by his armpits until he’s standing on his own, shoving him towards the stairs. Levi approaches Armin, saying, “Come with us. I need you to keep an eye on Eren while we talk to Reiner in private.” Armin nods, agreeing to help.

They follow them to the chapter room, where Erwin and Reiner enter, leaving the rest in the hall. “Wait here,” Levi commands, disappearing into the room, shutting the door.

Eren slouches against the wall, burying his hands into his face, groaning. His head is heavy, the realization of what just occurred weighing him down. He stays like this for several minutes, almost forgetting that Armin is right beside him until he hears him speak, worry laced in his voice.

“Eren, what happened?” he asks, sitting right beside him. “Why did you do that?”

It takes a couple seconds for him to muster up the courage to reply to his friend. “Armin, I fucked up. Majorly fucked up. I’m a fuck up.”

Armin remains silent, listening and waiting.

“I lost it when he started talking about her. I just fucking lost it.”

Hesitant, Armin asks, “Is…is something going on with you two?”

Before he can answer, Reiner exits the room, avoiding their gaze as he quickly walks pass them and down the stairs. Shortly after, Levi appears in the hall, beckoning Eren inside.

“Wait for me downstairs. I will explain everything later. Please, Armin,” he begs, standing up to enter the chapter room.

Armin agrees, leaving Eren with Levi and Erwin to discuss his fate in the fraternity.

Inside, Levi directs Eren in a chair, facing the two seniors, who study him closely. The president is the first to speak. “Tell us why you hit Reiner.”

There’s a split second where he considers lying. Make up some bullshit excuse about how they were just messing around and it ended up going a little too far, leaving out any mention of the real reason. Continue being a coward and hide from the truth to protect whatever dwindling integrity he thinks he still has. However, he remembers the vow he made to himself just a few hours ago. No more lies, no more manipulation. It’s time that he’s honest. With her, with his friends. Most crucially, himself. He’s digging his way out of this ditch he recklessly buried himself in.

He takes a deep breath, trembling with residual adrenaline from the fight earlier. “He was talking shit about Sigma Nu Kappa. He’s always saying something disrespectful about them. Tonight, I got fed up and hit him.”

“What kind of disrespectful comments does he say?”

“Calls them losers. Ugly. He’ll insult them any chance he gets.”

“Has he been saying these things for a while now?”

“Yeah. Ever since the beginning of the semester. When we first partnered with them.”

Levi leans forward. “So why did you hit him tonight? What did he say that triggered you to react the way you did?”

He swallows hard. “He called my friend an ugly bitch. That’s when I really got upset.”

“Mikasa?”

“No,” Eren answers, then states her name.

This seems to surprise them. Levi sits back against his seat, seeming intrigued; Erwin’s brows relax as he states, “She’s the one you nominated for sweetheart.”

Eren nods. Levi, unable to help himself, blurts out, “She was Mike’s date to formal, right?”

He confirms this with another nod, the mention of formal causing him to tense up a bit. The night when everything came crashing down.

“What exactly did Reiner say about her?”

“Called her an ugly bitch,” he replies, feeling his skin tingle with anger again, recalling the conversation in his head.

“What would provoke him to call her that?” At this point, it sounds like Erwin and Levi are posing questions based on their own curiosity, rather than to investigate the incident. Either way, Eren continues to be completely candid, the truth flowing out of him naturally. In an odd way, it feels cathartic.

“He saw us kissing at formal,” he replies. “After I nominated her tonight, I guess he decided to confront me about it. This whole semester, he’s been telling me not to get with a Sigma Nu Kappa. Like it would be some disgrace or whatever. He’s a fucking asshole.”

“Wait, hold on. You kissed her?”

“Yes. We’ve been together for the past few months, hooking up in secret. Nobody knew.”

They pause on the interrogation for a minute, quietly absorbing all this information. Finally, Levi clears his throat, summarizing, “So, Reiner confronted you tonight about your secret relationship with the Sigma Nu Kappa, said some awful things about her because he’s a grade A asshole, and his disgusting comments provoked you to hit him. Is this accurate?”

Again, he nods. “I couldn’t stand around and let him talk about her like that. I care about her.” Admitting it out loud doesn’t scare him nearly as much as he thought it would. In fact, it doesn’t scare him at all.

Erwin says, “No matter how justified you think you were in doing that, violence is against our rules.”

Fearing what’s about to happen next, Eren murmurs, “Yeah, I get it.”

“It’s strictly against Alpha Tau’s code of conduct to strike another brother in anger. We do not condone violent behavior against one another, or anyone for that matter. We have no choice; we have to expel you from the organization.” In a more sympathetic tone, Erwin adds, “I’m sorry, Eren.”

His heart sinks. Another consequence of his rash decisions. He has to accept it. “What about Reiner?”

“We are investigating this further. Between you and me, he claims your violence against him was totally unprovoked and out of nowhere. Off the record, we don’t buy that. To be honest, he’s been on our radar for a while now. We’ve received several complaints from other brothers about his disrespectful behavior. Once we gather enough evidence against him, he too will be kicked out.”

Levi adds, “I know it seems unfair, Eren. I understand standing up for someone you care about. But rules are rules. Since we were just in deep shit with the Student Affairs Committee, this is the only way to deal with this without causing another big stink.”

“Yeah, I understand.” I fucked up, I deserve this.

“Off the record, why did you take that Delta Mu Pieck to formal instead of her?” Erwin shoots Levi a glare, which he responds with a roll of his eyes. “What? I said off the record.”

“Because I’m an asshole,” he replies. He could easily blame Reiner for influencing him the past few months. At the end of the day, Eren is the true culprit behind every one of his fucked-up decisions. It’s time that he finally takes accountability for it.

Levi lets out a small, disapproving hum, crossing his arms over his chest.

Eren adds, “If it’s any consolation, she ended it with me that same night. Not because I took Pieck, but because she had enough of my bullshit.”

Levi clicks his tongue. “Sounds like you deserved it.” There’s a hint of sympathy in voice when he suggests, “It’s never too late to apologize and make amends.”

“I’m afraid it is. For me, at least,” he comments, staring down at the hardwood floor.

“Well, it doesn’t hurt to try.” He clears his throat nervously, giving his last piece of advice to his now ex-brother. Erwin has a small smirk on his face, amused by Levi’s slight change in demeanor. “Anyways, come back later this week to drop off your pin and any letters you have. Sorry it has to be this way.”

Eren shrugs, saddened by the outcome, though not completely devastated. Definitely not in the same emotional state he’s been in the rest of the week. If someone had told him this a few months ago, even just last week before he got dumped, he probably would have thought this is the worst feeling ever. Now, there’s nothing worse than the dread in his heart, not knowing how to mend his relationship with her. Or the emptiness he feels in the midst of her absence.

He stands up and approaches the two seniors, placing an inverted fist over his chest. It’s their official fraternity salute. A final goodbye. They mimic him respectfully, Erwin adding, “Good luck, Eren.”

He slowly walks down the hallway out of the chapter room, taking it all in one last time. His fraternity career was short-lived, and he wasn’t the most outstanding Alpha Tau brother to ever exist. Still, he tries to savor it, knowing he’ll never experience it again.

If only he understood this feeling with her sooner. He would have never let her go.

Back downstairs, Eren finds Armin lounging on the couch in between Connie and Jean. When they see him, they all hop off and bombard him with comments, buzzing with excitement.

“Eren! Are you in trouble?”

“That was insane, man. You clocked that fucking bastard.”

“Reiner stormed out of here fucking pissed. It was glorious.”

Armin shushes the other two and repeats, “Are you in trouble? What did they say?”

Eren focuses his gaze at his feet, hands in his pockets. “They kicked me out.”

Connie and Jean groan as Armin’s eyes go round, almost in tears. “Oh, Eren.”

“Shit, dude. That’s fucked up,” Connie mutters, patting him on the back.

Eren shrugs. “I deserve it. Sorry guys.”

Jean surprisingly pats him on the back too. “Don’t apologize, man. I’m sure you had a valid reason for socking that asshole.”

To avoid the others from starting their own interrogation, Armin whispers, “Eren, let’s go get food at the dining hall before we head back to our room.”

Eren gets the hint and obliges, wanting to continue their conversation from earlier, privately. They bid farewell to Connie and Jean, then leave the house to head towards the cafeteria. He notices Armin send a quick text on his phone. “Mikasa is going to meet with us now, she’s just changing real quick.”

He nods, beyond thankful and appreciative to have his real friends there for him. All semester, he took them for granted, just as he did with her. What was he thinking these past few months?

Inside the dining hall, Armin sets a plate of fries for them to share as they wait for Mikasa to arrive. When she does, there’s a concerned look on her face as she rushes over to their table. “Is it true?”

“Yeah, it’s true. I’m no longer in Alpha Tau.”

“What?! Why?”

“I punched Reiner.”

“You what?”

He repeats himself, almost amused at Mikasa’s extreme reactions.

“Why? Why did you punch him?”

“I will explain everything. I need to preface this by saying this is my fault. None of the blame should fall on her.”

“Huh? Who are you talking about?”

Eren says her name. Armin doesn’t react, already somewhat aware of the situation from their brief conversation earlier. On the other hand, Mikasa’s face contorts into something between confusion and shock. She repeats her name. “My roommate? My sorority sister? What does this have to do with her?”

“We’ve been hooking up in secret for the past few months, ever since the first exchange. But I fucked up. I really fucked up.”

Before Mikasa goes haywire, Armin interjects calmly, “Start from the beginning, Eren.”

And so he does. Eren recalls the night of the exchange. His asshole behavior towards her initially, which he displayed in front of all their peers during that dumb Truth or Dare game. He leaves out the dirty details for the sanctity of his friends. In his own mind, he vividly remembers how the night ended, relishing the wanton moans escaping her luscious lips with every pump of his fingers. The sloppy and inexperienced blowjob she gave him to finish him off. The way he tried to initiate his fuck boy status by mentioning it would be a one-time thing, that he didn’t find her interesting enough to keep it going. It was the beginning of this beautiful disaster.

Armin and Mikasa interrupt him only to clarify a few details. For the most part, over the next half hour or so, they listen with intrigue as he goes through each of his disappointing choices. Shamefully confessing his depraved corruption kink to take her virginity. Intimidating her into keeping their budding relationship a secret. Denying her of any friendship outside of the bedroom. Refusing to even acknowledge her existence. Manipulating her into thinking the two of them would eventually evolve into something real, knowing all too well that he was too much of a coward to commit.

He relives their first time together. Grabbing her by the wrist at that party. Unconcerned about any prying eyes surrounding them, only focused on having her for himself. He’ll never regret being with her. He only wishes he made it more special. Something out of a romance instead of a dirty porno flick.

The day of the Sigma Nu Kappa’s bake sale, he tried his best to move on from her. Convinced he had his fill after their night of lust. He couldn’t get enough. He wanted her, and she wanted him. They started their little arrangement, their secret love affair. It was supposed to be no strings attached. They were using each other to fulfill their sexual desires, that was it. There’s no denying it evolved into something else.

He never meant for it to go this far. This is exactly what he feared. Every chance he could, he kept her at a distance. It seemed like no matter what he did though, they always found their way back to each other. He started to imagine how easy it would be to be together like a normal couple. Even fantasized about it, dreaming about spending their days hanging out with their friends, carefree and happy. He could never bring himself to make the right decisions to go this route. In typical Eren Jaeger fashion, he let his ego and cowardice lead him to destruction. And just as he was ready to turn it all around, it was too late. She walked out of his life for good.

He was so afraid of falling in love. Afraid of being vulnerable and letting her into his life. He was so scared to take that leap of faith, that he deprived himself of any chance at it, thinking he was protecting himself from getting hurt. Ironically, he’s hurt anyways, knowing what they could have been and how he ruined it.

All he wants is for them not to be two worlds apart, as ex-lovers so often end up. He wants to exist in her universe as much as she’ll allow him to. Whether it’s as an acquaintance, or better yet, as a friend. Anything is better than being a ghost of her past that haunts her.

It would be unfair to ask her to forgive and forget. Rather, he wants to be forgiven and he wants to atone. He may never be able to make up for the pain he caused her; he’ll spend whatever time she’ll give him trying to.

They can’t go back and change the past. Maybe now, they can rewrite their story with an alternate ending. One where they’re both happy, whether they’re together or apart. All he wants is for her to be happy. He wants that more than anything. And if that means living in her life as a background character, so be it. She deserves a fairytale ending that sparks a love so pure and real. One they almost ignited themselves.

His friends listen to him as he laments on his dilemma. Armin, who sits next to him, consoles him by rubbing his back soothingly. Across the table, Mikasa observes him with her arms over her chest, processing all of the information he’s shared. Her expression remains neutral, which unsettles Eren just as much as her angry look does.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this,” he says, seeking advice.

“Have you tried apologizing to her?” Armin suggests.

“I tried to talk to her the morning after, but I couldn’t. And she blocked my number, so I can’t get a hold of her any other way.”

Mikasa leans forward on the table. “Do you think you would have been able to tell her what you just told us if you did get the chance to talk to her that morning?”

Eren ponders this for several seconds. Sure, he was desperate to talk to her after what transpired, but his mind was a jumbled mess. He’s not even sure what he would have said to her. It might have made things worse. Now, with an entire week to contemplate, he feels like he has more clarity than he ever has. He’s no longer afraid to speak the truth, to be vulnerable. He wants to tell her everything. No more holding back.

“I don’t think so,” he answers. “But I think I can now. I’m not expecting her to take me back or even forgive me. I just don’t want it to end this way, with her thinking I don’t care about her. I don’t want her to move on with her life thinking that what we had meant nothing.”

She stares at him silently, deliberating. Sighing, she finally says, “Okay.”

Confused, Eren breathes out, “What?”

“I’ll help you.”

His mouth hangs open, surprised at her proposition.

She explains, “I’ll admit, I’m pretty pissed about this whole situation. I can’t believe you would do this, Eren. Even with her, I’m shocked. She didn’t say anything to me, even before you agreed to keep it all a secret. Maybe she was scared with how I would react…” She trails off, getting momentarily lost in her thoughts.

Armin chimes in, “We all have our reasons for keeping secrets.”

“I just wish either of you would have told me or Armin. We could have salvaged whatever fucked up situation you got yourselves into. Instead of going to us, you chose to listen to that idiot Reiner. What were you thinking?”

He shakes his head. “I wasn’t, obviously.”

“I’m disappointed in you. How could you treat someone like that? I’m disappointed in her too for allowing herself to be treated like that. Still, I’m willing to help fix this. Only if you’re genuine about wanting to.”

“I am. I promise you I am. I’ve made a lot of empty promises with her, but this time, I truly mean it,” Eren urges.

“Fine. Let’s go.”

He gulps nervously. “Seriously? Right now? You’ll help me?”

“Yes. No turning back. If you really want to do this, let’s do it now.”

He thinks for a moment, then responds, “Right. Let’s go.”

They walk out of dining hall to head over to Mikasa’s dorm room. Armin heads in the other direction. Before they part ways, Eren says, “Hey. Thank you. Both of you. I’m sorry. I wish this semester turned out differently.”

Armin gives him a small smile. “We all make mistakes. I’m just glad you’re willing to learn from them.”

With that, Eren follows Mikasa, his heart on his sleeve, ready to face her.

~~~

Eren got kicked out of Alpha Tau.

Mikasa’s words, combined with the grim expression on her face, lingers on your mind as you stare blankly in front of you, stunned.

There’s no logical explanation you can come up with that would lead to this. What could he have possibly done to warrant getting kicked out? It must have been a serious offense. Even with everything that’s occurred between you two, it’s hard to imagine him doing something atrocious enough to be punished like this.

During your short-lived fling, he was never intentionally malicious. His downfall was his overinflated ego and selfishness. You don’t believe it in your heart that he truly wanted to hurt you, not on purpose anyways. It could have been his big ego that blinded him from the destruction left in his path, until it crumbled beneath him. His behavior post break-up, if you can even call it that, caught you off guard. You didn’t expect him to plead with you just to speak with him. The guilt really must be eating away at him.

You snap yourself out of your thoughts and try to focus back onto your laptop. Earlier this week, you made a vow to yourself that you would move on. To do that, you have to stop thinking about him, stop worrying about him. You’ve been able to distract yourself so far by hanging out with your sisters and focusing on your studies. Every so often, there will be small fragments in your daily life where he sneaks back into your mind. With all of it being fresh in your memory, you forgive yourself for it. Over time, you hope to forget about him completely.

You spend the next hour watching Netflix on your computer, subconsciously waiting for Mikasa’s return so you can get the scoop about Eren. When it’s almost 11 o’clock, you get out of bed to clear up some clutter on your desk. You’re facing away when you hear the familiar jingle of keys and the door creak open. Smirking to yourself, excited and nervous to hear the latest update, you keep your back turned, still rummaging through your messy stack of notes.

“This better be good, Mikasa,” you tease, turning to face her. To your surprise, it’s Eren standing before you.

“Hi,” he greets. His hair is down. You don’t remember ever seeing him with his hair like this. It’s a different look for him. He seems vulnerable.

You stand up straight, stepping back defensively. “What are you doing here?”

“Mikasa let me in. She’s just outside,” he explains.

“Mikasa…? Does that mean – ”

“Yeah. She knows. I told her. About everything.”

Your eyes widen. “What?”

“I told her about us.” He bites his lower lip, waiting for a response. It’s not the same intensity in those green eyes you’re so used to seeing. He gazes at you softly, cautiously. Afraid to come off too strong or too aggressive. He leans against the door, aware that he’s in your personal space, not wanting to encroach it any farther.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I need to be honest with everyone. Especially with you.” It looks like he’s about to take a step forward, but doesn’t, standing in place. “I don’t know if you heard already. I got kicked out of Alpha Tau.”

“Mikasa mentioned it before she left. What happened?”

“I punched Reiner,” he answers. You take in a sharp breath, trying to reel in the large gasp you almost let out. He punched Reiner?!

He continues, staring down at the ground. “He saw us kissing at formal and confronted me about it. Said some awful things about you. So, I hit him.”

It takes you a few seconds to process all of what he says. “Reiner…?”

“Trust me, he deserved it. I should have done that a long time ago.”

“Still, why would you hit him?”

He lifts his head up to look directly at you. “Because I care about you. And I wasn’t going to let him get away with saying all that stupid shit. Not anymore.”

“You…care about me?”

“Yeah, I do,” he confesses. “I care about you a lot.”

There’s a brief moment of silence as you relax in front of him, the tension lessening in the small space between you two. A tiny part of you wants to close the distance; you resist the urge.

“What about Alpha Tau?” you ask. “You must be pretty upset about that.”

“I don’t care. All I care about is that you and me okay.”

You stay silent, unsure how to respond.

He fills the silence by starting, “I’m sorry. Sorry for hurting you, for making you feel ashamed and worthless. No person should ever make you feel like that. I’m so sorry it was me.”

He keeps his gaze on you. “I’ve been an asshole to you. I know that. I led you on, I toyed with your emotions. I was selfish and immature. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. Still, there’s no excuse.”

You swallow hard, taken aback by his apology. You’ve gotten used to him saying whatever he can to get his way. This time, however, it sounds sincere. Especially with the way he looks at you.

“I have plenty of regrets about what I did to you. But I don’t regret being with you. Not for one second. And I know my word means nothing. I know I’ve lost your trust completely. I’ve made too many empty promises. But if there’s one that you can believe, let it be this one. I won’t put you through that again. I swear on my life.”

He hesitates, taking a small step forward. “If it never works out between us, that’s okay. I’ll have to live with that. But I just want you in my life. As an acquaintance. Maybe one day, as a friend, if you’ll let me. There’s just something about us that I’m not ready to say goodbye to yet.”

You let his words sink in, your heart pounding through your chest you’re convinced he can hear it, “Eren, I don’t know.”

“I don’t expect you to forgive me yet. And I’m not asking you to take me back. I just want a do-over or something.”

“A do-over?”

“Yeah. Meet me for who I really am, and not whoever that asshole was throughout this whole semester. I’m leaving that fucking prick behind and never looking back. It’s really me now.”

“We can’t just forget and move on like nothing happened,” you tell him. If only life was this simple.

“I know we can’t. I’m not asking you to forget. You can hold it against me for as long as you want. All I’m asking for is a chance to redeem myself. I don’t know what exactly I have to do yet to earn back your trust. But I think starting from the beginning is a small step, right?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

“So, let’s do it properly.”

You raise an eyebrow at him, perplexed by his statement. “What do you mean?”

He holds out his hand to you. “Hi. I’m Eren Jaeger. I’m a sophomore studying pre-law. I’m from Shiganshina District, born and raised. I like the ocean, Jaeger-bombs of course, and listening to rain pitter patter against the window.”

You take his hand in yours, reciting your own introduction back to him in a similar format. He smiles at you, eyes lighting up as you hold onto each other for a few seconds longer than necessary. Cherishing the feeling of his skin on yours, gazing at each other affectionately. It feels like the first time you’re actually seeing each other.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” he says, still smiling.

“You too.”

He loosens his grip but doesn’t pull away, letting you be the one to drop his hand. Rubbing the back of his neck nervously, he chuckles, “I should probably go before Mikasa starts scolding me again.”

“Yikes. I guess I should prepare myself, right?” you joke, grinning at him. It feels natural. Relaxed.

“Yeah, I’m sure she has a lot to say to you.” His eyes twinkle at you. “Thank you. I’ll see you around, okay?”

You nod at him as he gives you a small wave, turning the handle to leave. You hear him whisper something to Mikasa, who walks into the room, shutting the door. She stares at you with a curious expression. You’re nervous she’s about to kick your ass for lying to her for the past few months. Instead, she asks, “Are you okay?”

You let out a sigh of relief. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

“I’m not going to yell at you. Not tonight, at least.”

You don’t respond, guilty about deceiving your roommate and closest friend.

“But I’m proud of you,” she says. “Even though you kept this from me the entire time, I’m proud of the way you handled it. Really proud.”

She steps forward, holding her arms out in an embrace. You let yourself be enveloped in her warmth, feeling as if a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders. No more sneaking around, no more lies, everything out in the open. As it should be.

Instead of dwelling on the past, you’ll move forward, stronger and smarter than you were before. You’ll always remember the excitement of being with him. The passion, the heat. The rush. The little moments where you felt that spark. It’s the exhilaration from these memories that you’ll store away fondly in your heart. And while the painful memories may linger in your mind indefinitely, you won’t use it as a weapon against him. It’ll be a reminder of how you were able to learn from your mistakes. A valuable lesson in self-worth.

You’re unsure what the future holds for you and Eren. No matter how far out of his orbit you are, somehow you still find yourself gravitating towards him. This time, it’ll be different. You’re not the same naïve girl you were at the start of the semester. All your decisions will be on your own terms, not somebody else’s. It’s possible that one day, you’ll learn to like each other as friends. There’s so much you don’t know about him, and there’s plenty he doesn’t know about you. You both deserve a love that goes beyond the surface, one where it feels like your souls are at home with each other. Comfortable, safe, everlasting. Maybe eventually, you can find that type of love with each other. Or maybe it’s truly not meant to be. For now, you’ll let your story play out how the universe writes it, one chapter at a time.

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