chatterboxmoon - Tumblr blog

[chatterboxmoon]

Ancestor talks:

-you are not meant to be remembered,

you are not meant to be the biggest change

you are meant to lift the voices and efforts and names of those who were born for this magnitude of battle

-own your roots. no need to justify them. no need to cry about them, no need to doubt them.

own them.

-stand your ground against cops. ACAB isn’t a white anarchist term. It’s not.

[chatterboxmoon]

If I’m being totally honest, I don’t really want to BE with anyone. Not because I don’t like or love them, just because it’s a bit against my nature. My safety and comfort with F is a big deal to me, because it has never existed with anyone else. I appreciate him. I can work it, he’s cool.

But I’m mostly sexual with myself— getting people to adore me is hot and I really get off on it— I’m not THAT interest in swallowing that shit anymore. Maybe that is okay???

[chatterboxmoon]

I feel so much guilt about being attracted to and yearning to be intimate with multiple people that even I stop myself in my dreams.

I love my man so damn much, I don’t want life without him.

But my sexuality has been put on hold. In a lot of ways. It’s not at all his fault, but I’m straining here.

Maybe this is what my “sacrifice” is. It feels and sounds so lame. But damn it takes up a lot of me.

I just need to fuck myself more.

[chatterboxmoon]

Dreams soaked in coconut cream

I cringe after too much,

Heavy, sopping.

But I’m addicted to the far south pull

That tugs me into

Motion

What is it about you-

Or is this all me,

Careless, selfish, tainted?

Forever I guess I shall

Wander into a secret corridor

That parallels my world

And

Fuck your everloving brains out.

[chatterboxmoon]

when Lemony Snicket wrote “I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you everyday” that hurt me

[chatterboxmoon]

I’ve got loads of ‘em on my mind

That I often let fall

But eventually see your glimmer and

Ravish in the sinewy pull of lifting you back up

Posture prim and expanding

Hope you see the sweet small

Of my back arch just for you

Only for a moment

But 1002% drenched in intensity and heat

I mean it

(I could do without it though)

But I mean it

(Kissing the fluster off your lips sounds like fun)

All of you

(Ya’ll melty and precious, I feel like wine at 8:30p)

Ain’t nothing, but twists my arm like everything

[chatterboxmoon]

“Now I smell geraniums; I smell earth mould. I dance. I ripple. I am thrown over you like a net of light. I lie quivering flung over you.”

—Virginia Woolf, The Waves

[chatterboxmoon]

Why can’t I be with both?? Why can’t I be with many?? I know which one is my sunshine, my gravity— why can’t I experience deep human rawness from multiple souls? Why can’t everyone? What is so evil and hurtful and wrong about being free?

I love my best friend and he is my world and my future

But I want to fucking explore and make the fuck out with others, male and female and neither. Not even for long amounts of time. Just while it lasts.

My heart has been pounding and it makes me feel like a Via building block is getting mortar scraped across me. I cannot unlock many questions and answers and doubts and fears in one place. Please help

“I don’t know, maybe there was a thing... maybe not...no, there was a thing. But maybe it just wasn’t our time to be together. Or maybe just not yet? Right? Yeah.”

I hate forgetting gorgeousness around me because of tradition. I’m impatient and upset and selfish but damnit I know I want profound nights and hikes and moments and to not be afraid of making those moments.

My love for Fawkes is whole. But my lack of spectrumized experience and sexuality and confidence and fearlessness and profoundness is frustrating.

[chatterboxmoon]

Intentions, intentions. This streak of random, noncollected thoughts does not reflect intention or stature. I’m just bursting sometimes.

Or maybe more like churning and some of the oily bubbles jump out and leave small blips on a surface.

I’m chill. Really.

I gotta process though. Just by myself.

Dingy, dusty, nervous, excited, ferocious, impulsive, calculated, emotional, emotionless, disgusting, hungry, gay, self adoring, self loathing, aware, aloof, sacred, practicing, apathetic, overwhelmed, over-under stimulated, exhausted, healing, processing, crude, jealous, proud, free—

Someday I’m going to be dead and hopefully those all of those who I love will know exactly who you are and feel the special chunk of my shrapneled heart tuck quietly under their ribs and enveloped in doubtless, freeing warmth and adoration.

Love u Fawkes