charlenetung

[charlenetung]

Dear World - Good-morning!

I survived from the CRAZY lock-down in Shanghai.

As a child of God, I still have many complaints and many questions. Why is the world so bitter and cruel? And i know there's no need to be proud of what I've gone through right? It's just a crazy lock down, there is so many unfortunate people who are still suffering from different conditions.

So Dear world, please heal please be strong and please take us human back to the start where we are not selfish and stupid.

Take us back to the old times, where people only speak the language of LOVE.

And maybe there is a meaning all behind this, there is hope all behind this and maybe there is God or Gods.

Mentally after the lock-down in Shanghai I really see things differently in life, stars look more brighter and the night seems longer.

Can I rest in piece of my mind and just taste my tears as sweet honey and milk?

May the world heal that all man kind can forget all about the pain and the hatred and let us eat, feel, smell, see and touch the beauty of the world.

May I be the person to let the world know, no matter how we try we are still underground waiting to burst and to fly.

We fly to a place where all our minds are combined and no more waves crashing through our lungs that we can't breathe but only taste the salt but not see the light.

The lighthouse is old and rusty, it no longer shines at night and ships are lost, so they can only make the ship their homes and flash S.O.S every night. Even though deeply they know no one will answer.

Then we all go to bed, where are dreams makes us fly.

I hope one day when we all wake up at dawn, there will be many ships souring above the water, flashing lights and shouting Good-morning to each other.

Don't be afraid, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to shout out Good-morning, because when the morning comes you know the night will come and that's the balance of life.

I am afraid of who I am, like I am afraid to admit the night. But now I embrace the night and I appreciate the day. I am not quite where I "suppose" to be, but I'm far from where I was and I'm still learning.

I am still broken I am still healing, and I am ok.

I am sorry to be so weak, I am sorry to let you down WORLD, I wish I could contribute more to you but I think this is enough, I hope it's enough.

I am who I am, and i'm not afraid of shouting out GOOD-MORNING!

[charlenetung]

2022/3/11 #DREAM 1

So vivid so real I dreamt that I was watching a TV series but in it and it’s a witches story. I’m just some character involved in a area that had this evil strong which who I think killed one of “our” elders so me and a few witches had to dig in the area for investigation.

Then suddenly I was in a room and I saw the evil witch, we all looked normal and we had to wear uniforms. I then decided to stand on her side cuz I think she’s super cool and actually lonely so hahaha and then ~ jumped to the next scene is that we caught one of a monster but all under the control and help from the evil witch. Then she tried to let one of my friend start torching the monster and if she didn’t the evil which would use her power to force her and my friend gradually transformed into a monster too, that looked alike to a catfish？？

Jump the the next scene is that through out the word then there are these zombies that keep yelling “xxx” something but I can’t remember now.... anyways then I wasn’t infected but I was running away and trying to find a safe place.

The cool scene, I was on top of a train wreck, I don’t how I can get to that angle of shot but it was so cool! These two Japanese Chinese style of zombies and human are fighting in teams.

So the zombie side of the team came down a zombie who looked not to different but the movement of him was more floaty that’s how I recognize the difference and it suddenly made this cool energy magical movement and burst out a power flame !!! And cut to the other side of the train side was the human team, they heard the loud noise coming from the other side and the next minute they realize the power they were already thrown away from it.

Then suddenly I noticed I was setting downwards and looking up to this sight in a theater but it was like a 3D really reality type imax theatre!! I saw Ian across in front of me and he had this girl on the side talking to him but he turn back to me and said I’ll meet you front in a bit. Then I wanted to get my “seatbelt” off and I scratched my hand hard... and hurt very bad.

I went from and he told me to follow him to talk with the girl that he was talking to. At this time everyone is heading towards the exit, and so I followed him and he introduced me as girlfriend, told the girl like “ hey hey, so you can show the drawing project to Charlene! Her brother knows LOL people maybe you can pitch your project” and the girl awkwardly nod and showed me don’t remember the image?? Maybe it’s the catfish or the witch .... And before she left with her friend she kind of like flirted with Ian with a small compliment then left. After that we start walking back to our seats to get stuff and I saw a friend from Taiwan and I said Hi and introduced her to Ian. Suddenly! I wanted to pee so bad so I dreamed I went to the restroom and start to pee but I knew ! Am I really peeing cuz you know what would happen if you dream that you pee.... so I came out of my dream and woke up .... kind of

Next I dreamed I was in another restroom ready to pee and I was thinking to myself, Ian must think I’m not a good friend, just vanished after introducing her to him Hahahha continued my dream. The next thing I start peeing and I even asked myself in the dream am I dreaming ????? I shouldn’t be peeing in my dream! Then finally! I woke up and really went to the toilet to pee. Wohoeeee or else who knows.... dream in dream and pee????

[charlenetung]

True relaxation can then bring true beauty from ones person.

CT

[charlenetung]

2021.09.24 YOUNTH

Hi there it’s been a long time, typing down these words and making nonsense.

Listening to cloud Monet, pretending to be all artistic I guess this is where I want to be.

I can hear the cough and TV sound from the other room of the person I’m staying with, you see how I can be multi tasking haha

Oh life is such an irony. 

Currently dating a boy who is from Texas, and he is the most humorous guy I have met, suits me well cuz of my laziness. 

Not many words or vocabularies I can write down due to the busy work and laziness that I haven’t been reading much.

Line and words are just moments of strength of my fingers that press down to my computer key board, again trying to think I’m on an old typer. 

Where should I begin my past now? Haha just a few things to share, I am not doing well, or I would say being lazy in life. 

Boy and I rescued a kity.... Youtube commercial just came in so I had to stop my typing. KITTY, yes we rescued right after my dog Choco passed away.  I haven’t really talked about this here, but yeah... He passed away in May, he didn’t get a chance to spend his 17th birthday with us, and I miss him so much.

I really miss him a lot, I was working at CAGES that time, hanging out with friends and living in the city, sharing a house with 6 people. Choco was one of them that made me so happy.... I miss him so much, I miss you Choco...

Choco, 16 years of friendship that is wild and warm but cold at last. I guess this is what life is, you find a friend and you lose them. You find a love one and you make so many good memories and they leave in bad/good ways.

It was a holiday he passed away.

Moved back to my mom’s place in QINGPU SH, worked at a new place then left after 4 months for some bullshit reason. Sorry for saying things so RUDE but true, it’s SHRIMP!

I don’t really like typing down the worse of my life but I don’t know why I feel like I have lost my path and my dreams in someway, stage by stage...

A dream of being a famous Holly Wood actor to now, life sucks.

Vape and breathing in smoke in my lungs, is this a bad habit or part of growing up?

I assume to be a good and happy girl all the time but I am sad NOW, I want to let you know I am not ok. I am not ok..... 

I wish I could do more and be more cuz I see all the famous people on-line and I want to be like them I want to be famous and be glam so I have money and a car a house a grande casa...

It’s funny that I am saying what I want cuz I want them in my dreams, and I dream so much with music... I want people to feel the same way as I do and I wish that my life can be broadcast everywhere and I can be seen in some way, but the thing is I feel like I am not doing any thing to make that happen and It sucks....It’s depressing to see the people who I care a lot beside me and I just wanna say “ I don’t care about your life, let me focus on myself just for once! Go away!!” Can we even do that nowadays? Just I don’t give a fu** about your feelings I just want everything for ME.

Where should I spend my YOUTH on? MYSELF OR OTHERS? Is there a balanced place? To be honest I don’t believe that middle ground excists, I know I’m being a little dark here but it’s the truth... Why can’t people be more true to themselves and to others? 

Sparkles in across the building when I look out of the window, I am not happy NOW.

I should read more.

I’m in a bubble where I’m about to burst but elegantly floating in the sky and under water....

Anyways... I’m not busy at work now nor I am growing, I shall rest but not too long... True relaxation can then bring true beauty from ones person.

Focusing on myself is a good start, not with my talents or with my knowledge, it’s with my inner peace and do the heck what I want with no pressure. Will that take me to where I want or to another direction?’

Another holiday is coming, boy and I traveling to Beijing. 

I’m gonna f*** hard 

Feels good to be free 

I really do appreciate people who makes chill out music, It just brings me to a place where it’s so quit and peace where it belongs to just where I am suppose to be.

What’s my next step? 

Let’s keep things simple shall we?

I have changed, I miss my passed away dog, I have learned some truth, I have been lazy, I have been sad, I have been happy and I will take things one day at a time. 

Truly saying Hi to you, my pass my history my friend myself.

What will the future be like? I want to see those technologies from the movies that boy and I have watched. Sci-fi, cyber punk world and all those crazy scenes from the movie.

Dune is coming out. I am so excited, Timothee is truly my love fever.

Will i someday be someone’s fever?

chapter by chapter of my 26 years, where am I now?

[charlenetung]

2021.3.07 It’s been a while

So many to say, I don’t know where to start 🌝

It’s been a while hasn’t it?

How have you’ve been?

It’s been a crazy year.

2021/07/29

And wow, another few months has passed.

Just finished sex/life, binged watched yesterday till 3am yesterday...

It’s weird cuz the show sucked but weirdly I’m obsessed with it, like it really brings out the wildest of you but the same time ruins your value views of life.

Apologies for not writing for a while my grammar sucks.

So I think, this is why I love movies/series/documents/films so much.

I’ll keep writing tomorrow ;)

Have a sweet dream 🛌

[charlenetung]

[charlenetung]

It’s a New Year 2020.2.23

Can’t believe it’s already 2020!

I haven’t write here for a while, I’m now at home watching YouTube with Ian on bed and he’s eating some nerds :P So chill ~

Things that happened ~

1. I held party at my place for 2020 New Year’s Eve !

2. Corona virus is going crazy in China

3. I went to the Philippines ~ Just a great journey with Ian and his co-workers!

I had so much fun, I’m just so grateful now to be here

I also made some pancakes today !

[charlenetung]

A smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows when or not to say

anonymous

[charlenetung]

2019/11/06 Start With Sth

Dear Father,

Apologies for I didn’t save my text on my computer, I guess it didn’t upload to my phone app.

Anyways what was I saying, today is Thursday and I’m having a marvelous day so far. I shouldn’t push myself to much for finding a job, I feel like Ian kind of gives me a little pressure. Well I should give myslef a little pressure but not too much I would say the right amount is great.

Ian is a little depress I can tell because Coduroy is passing away, he has two tumor in his body... Father, please bless him and make him feel a little better from the pain. Father Thank you so much for giving me so much grace in my life, wisdom and gifts that you’ve provided me.

Thank you so much Father, bless my family today to be healthy and grateful, my friends to be happy and having a wonderful day. Bless Ian today will feel loved and comfort by your grace!

Father please let me be your vessel and light today, to live out your words and mercy!

Amen!!

[charlenetung]

2019/11/06 What can I Do?

Oh Tumblr, I haven’t write to you for a while. A lot of things happened through out these months from July. 

1. I got resigned from IDC. SHOCKING! I know, i was doing well and I didn’t get in any big trouble, all I can say is that I’m still young got many things to try and I will have better opportunities from now on. However I haven’t find a new full time job, thats’s the whole point of writing this text. I’ve found free-lance jobs for editing, a good amount of price for 2000 kuai a day. It’s not a really hard job but a good amount of busy. I kind of really like this, It’s great. I like editing and making my own videos, oh dear God please let me continue with what I love and have a great working experience and progress in the future ! 

2. I just had my birthday and I went to Malaysia with my mom. After that Ian brought me to 莫干山 for my birthday, It was amazing. Had a really good time to relax and be grateful with him, now I’m back in town and ready to burst my fire out! 电爆全场吧Charlene！！Ian is really a great boyfriend, sometimes I get a little mad of him cuz he just doesn’t really be that 细心 as a boyfriend, like he doesn’t like helping me hold my things at allll, I know he hates it. However everything we still get along and click like two small butterflies. I wrote him a small fall poem yesterday when I woke up in the middle of the night, he came after Lena celebrated my birthday with him and Dan. Coco and LuLu also came to dinner, also I brought Choco, Dan didn’t buy me dinner tbh I was a little bit ??? Like okayyyyy....他真的蛮小气的. Then Ian and I went back home to watch the movie Hero, we fell asleep like usual and he went home, I fell asleep hard, didn’t even realize he left. He’s such a sweet, I know he’s super tired like I am, but he came for dinner and went home so late, then woke up so early in the morning for work, he’s just amazing. I could never complain about anything about him. I’ve realized how lucky I am to have a guy like him, he’s kind, honest, true, willing to sacrifice and spend time on me. He’s smart and knows what he wants to save money and be more productive, he’s trying to stop drinking and I love it so much that he wants to be more healthy with me. Thank you Lord! Father I am so grateful!

3.I spend my first time Birthday and ~ Halloween with my boyfriend !! Wohoooo !! I can’t believe how much my dreams came true hahaha I was wishing upon these so much! Halloween was fun haha I was Jasmine and Ian was Aladdin! We met someone at Ballers his name is L.A and I can’t believe that he just texted me ! OMG he is the type of person who I really need to contact for my future job related~ He’s a art photographer !

4. Ok I need to wrap this up, I need to go pee and text him back. The four thing is, I just want to let you know Father I love you and my family. My life could not happen if you weren’t here to protect me and guid me, all of my love belongs to you and yours belongs to me. You’ve provided me an amazing life style and my friends and boyfriend. My healthy family and my amazing career that is bursting through clouds and trouble water! I love you Father, please guid me and provide me wisdom through out my whole day, bless my family and my friends to be happy and healthy! Thank you so much Father, please bless me to be your vessel and to be your salt and light!!!! All GLORY BELONGS TO YOU! AMEN!!!

[charlenetung]

2019/9/17 Trouble Waters

Dear Father,

Am I stupid? I don’t know what is going on. 

Work is good, I take full actions and responsibilities towards everything I do in my work. I have made small mistakes that I haven’t replied the client quick enough and through some small details I didn’t check throughly, maybe I do send the clients some unnecessarily informations or questions, but I never not resect the people around me nor I see my work as unimportant. 

Father, since last week when I had the 1-2-1 meeting with my boss, he told me I fucking messed up and I need to know how serious this is that I might be on the edge of getting fired, I am really confused and nervous. It has beaten my faith and my self love, feels like I haven’t done enough and I’m not enough. 

Guid me Father, what should I do in life to learn this lesson. There must be a lesson behind all of this, one thing is that I know I shouldn’t be talking to others like a kid nor talk too much personal things about myself. It is a hard balance and I have no idea how to do it, but all I know is that when I focus on you, I know it’s a good thing. 

Father, my heart was raising half an hour before, cuz our hr told me that my boss wanted a talk with me in a small meeting room. I was nervous like a baby, my vibration to others I have thought that it would be like this. 

I know the past is in the past and I should learn from it, and Father please give me wisdom and strength to know what am I suppose to do. 

I’m trying my best to managed the things I love and work at the same time, and it takes so much time and energy, but I still do it, because I love it and I have passion for my life. 

Father, please guid me through out all the journey that I am walking through, I know your mercy is enough and I will not be afraid no matter what happens I know you are my God and the only one that I follow is you and your faith. 

Though maybe I’m stupid, or childish but I am trying to make myself more mature and I love the way I am, and the enemies are afraid because they envy and they’re scared. Father, please bless my heart today more than anything than my heart. Thank you so much for your love and your mercy through out all the things that I have experienced, the worse is that I am fired, by shock I am fired by my boss directly, just sayin it might happen. It doesn’t mean I have a problem with my personality, It doesn’t mean I am a bad person or I am not working through out your salt and light, your love is big and bigger than anything. You have your plans all ahead of me. So Father, I will not be afraid what the enemy, you give me power and strength to go through trouble waters and you’ll be with me. Why do you take me through trouble waters, because the enemies can’t swim. AMEN! 

All glory belongs to you!

[charlenetung]

2019/7/22

Ok, I have no time to go upstairs to get my dairy. 

Busy busy week.

I went on a shoot for the 50th anniversary for the moon landing for OMEGA. And Ian went to Bali Island. 

These got a bit strange when he got back, maybe he’s just tired or sth. But I was a bit considered. And I wanted to help him and make him happy. We’ll meet after work, Father, teach me how to encourage him and I know this is my strength of making people happy and joyful. I know what they need to hear and because you teach me how to love myself so I can help them. No just to my partner but everyone. Thank you for giving me the strength and knowledge. 

Today is a great day, I had time to spend hours on a good project and learning things though I don’t like the feeling of being controlled around BUT ! I had to learn so... Monica is with me and I am not alone.

Anyways, thank you Father for giving all the strength mercy and power. Consistent and faith for you. I didn’t go to church this Sunday... I don’t know I’m just not that ready for my cell group. I’m not doing well tbh, I’m trying to get it back together but I’ve noticed a small thing that is out of my control I still get tressed ex. Ian acting strangely. I guess I’m just really intense all the time. Hope that everything that I can do can please people.

I noticed this is in my childhood memories that my parents are always really careful. I may have gone a bit too strict to myself. I really should let go and relax more. I always think if I don’t work hard I can not be a success, but sometimes letting go and to relax and to be ok with that with myself is part of success. I mean what is the success to me? In the future, I wish that I could be wealthy enough to bring my family, my mom, to travel and so that we can have our own house don’t need to worry about house payments. That’s all, that’s how I see myself being a success. Money, of course, but personality is to still be humble and helping others whole heartily not selfishly. 

Father, I put my life and worries in your hand. My future is in your hands and I have so much faith that the best is yet to come. I am so glad that I know you from high school and from the day I have to know how much you’ve given me and gave me so many mercies. 

I just got called out by Charlotte and she told me the shots of A-Bao is not quite good @@ Ayyy yahhhh 

I will keep in mind next time, I think he did quite good lah... But i should take a more look at it tbh. 

I really got to go @@ I’ll talk to you soon ~ Bless my day today will be in your presents and your wisdom form words! Thank you so much !

AMEN!

[charlenetung]

SEEKING GRACE 2019.6.21

Dear Father,

Thank you so much for loving me. Today i left my dairy at home. I wanted to write it in the morning, but then i started to curl my hair and lost of time i had to head to work. Speaking of work, this morning i had no work shop, guess i will have to get one this afternoon orrr next Monday. Charlotte, Fiz and I we finished the transcript! Finally! Thank you so much for letting Fiz to help out on this project. I was actually to be honesta little over whelmed by i had to finish all the script by myself. I had to find a way to make it quicker and of course to review it before handing to others in the team. That's something that i can take from this experience, and also name the video file name accurate. Thank you still father for giving me strength and wisdom still to finish this job. Thank you so much for helping me to understand the importance of carefulness and accurance is very essential in work. I should put more of my effort in work and not get 油条油条油条！ This is a great learning process, thank you so much for this. Although it is not going on shoots, i still can learn a lot from pre and post production. Thank you for 1. Providing me a kind and grateful heart. 2. Providing me a healthy family and firendship i have. 3. Giving me kind and nice people in my life. 4. Taking me to a next level of mind and body 5. Taking care of myself 6. Having a healthy and wealthy middle class family 7. Great salary and work place 8. Wealthy invironment and friends that care about me truly 9. Great team leaders and bosses and co workers 10. Lastly a great parner who can give me motivation and happiness I will say that my life now is perfect, although there will be trouble and waves like last time, it happened to my body. But i am still so happy and thankful for what i have gone through and with all your strength and power i will overcome obstacles in the future. All the waves and storm will only stay if i linger, we can thrive to a direction towards the rainbow and sunlight as long as we belive it's there waiting for us. And we will do it over and over again until we will not be afraid and also see beauty in the downpour! Thank you so much Father for loving me, protecting me, giving me wisdom and power, overall to provide me a pure heart that follows you! All glory honor belongs to you! Bless my heart today that i can listen and live out your words. To be your vessel and be the salt and light on this world. Bless my family today will be safe and happy, that's all matters. Bless my friends today, they will find their passion and joy through work and society! Bless Ian today to be happy and grateful, that he will enjoy the small little amazing moments in life. Thank you so much Father! Please bless the people in HK to be safe and that their hearts will be soften and peaceful. Thank you Father!

AMEN !

[charlenetung]

The Waves we will overcome 2019.5.30

Today is Thursday, and not much is going on at the office.

A few things happened through out these three weeks,

First, i've been in the hospital for treatments for my W****. I had surgery and fusion,and now getting needles. Today will be my "last" day if you understand. I've gone through all these on my own, i feel i have grow up so much and got so much stronger. Since Tuesday when Charlotte asked me if i was at Cages, i felt a bit untrusted. I mean i post my photos on social media the way i want to. I did lie a bit about leaving early for every day, but i don't think it'll hurt that much, i mean i don't have much to do and would rather go home early and rest. TBH i have to, cuz i had surgery and need good sleep, and i only go out once a week just to have fun, i don't think that would hurt anyone.

I mean i'm doing everything that is right, why should i feel guity about not doing my work right. I've been working hard on Estee Lauder and anything i can help with. I know i am doing the right thing, and i've been quite and not eager. People ahhh, i shouldn't judge but i just feel hurt that Charlotte doesn't believe me and she judged me while i'm sick but still trying my best.

I feel terribly aweful if having this sick, i didn't want it at all, but Father allowed it in order 1. To let me truley rest and take a step back to see what my life is going on. 2. To let me see through how i treat myself, i always thought i have a slef love education by learning on the internet, but not experiencing it. In order to love yourself in any situation , hard times especially, when you can't control what you've done, the mistakes that you've made when you have no knowledge that you will, beaucase if you knew, you wouldn't make the "mistake". 3. To love yourslef and learn from your mistakes, avoid yourself in that ttemptation or situation, and you have to be very consistance and to know you will have a really really hard time overcome that situation, and know one thing : You will make the mistake once more, trust me, you might get through it once , twice or three times. And you'll feel regret and guilt. But how so ever, never quite. The next time try a different way to look at it and approach it with another attitude, don't fear it, overcome it and tell yourself :" This is under my control, i know if i do this , the answer is...If i do this instead, the answer is...." Let youself have knowledge about what id going to happen and instead of being that, try to say " Hmm, i think i feel a bit ....what and why i am feeling like this....is it becuase..." 4. Then ask yourself " How do i want to feel."

This is what i have learned so far, i fell and i'm up again. I might fall again, but i won't quite. Never the less, no matter what i do, i support myself no matter what! I'm my best best suporter , no one or nothing can crush me plus ~ i am the daughter of God, who can stand againts us !!!

Devil not today ! You sucker !

So techically my May most of the time is doing treatments.

I start going back to didge ball, i love it! It's so fun ~~

Had a small arguement with Lena，我觉得她心眼有点小 But that's who she is Lena.

James is home cuz Kathy went to Bali island. I heard mom say they two had a very nice and fun talk yesterday ~ Very amazing !!!! Thank you Father ~

Ian and i are friends, we goof around play and trust each other so much. Picking each other nose and see gets the most lol It's our thing. I really want to be with him for a really really long time, maybe we can get married in some time in the future. He is willing to and i feel like we are on the same page. For now we've gone through this really hard ship together, we get healed together and feel clean for each other, the way how he acts to this is mature and understandable. The next step i really hope we could have a better converstaion and open hearted talk, and i belive we will very soon, he'll let me know is fears and frustrations. Thank you so much for letting him in my life although i know he hasn't put down all his guards yet, but i know he will and i will keep praying for him and our future. Father please let him get to know you through me. All i have and everything i do is becuase of your love and mercy, Thank you so much for all the things that i have now.

I am so grateful that mom and James is in a good healthy relationship , they both are changing and getting better in hardship! Bless them, bless their hearts to be happy and healthy. Bless that they will not stress to much, bless that they will have love and joy in each day!!

Thank you for all the things, my work, my friends my family. Thank you so much Father! Bless my day today that i can live in your words and i can learn new things and i can talk the beautiful things out of your wisdom and knowledge. Provide me strength and power ! Thank you so much! Amen !!!All glory belongs to you!!!

[charlenetung]

Father Save Me From Sins 2019.5.08

Dear Father, Are you still mad at me? I am sorry. I don't know what to do now. Seems like i did another mistake. I should have told him : "We should stop seeing each other, you have brought me sorrow and pain in my life since i have met you. You are not a blessing in my life. I am sorry, we shouldn't keep seeing each other after this." I don't have the courage to do so, i don't. I really don't, made him so confuse, becuase the truth is that he did hurt me so much. I've been blinding myself, and i've been really hurt by the things that he has done to me. I just don't have the courage to let him knoe, although he hurt me so badly i am still willing to forgive him and myself by not rejecting him. FATHER, i really start to doudt the decision that i made. I don't know what to do, please guide my heart Father. I am hurt, and i am blind by myself from love or romanticisim. Please give me directions, i don't know how to over come this. I feel like i should protect myself from getting no more harm in the futurek, but i know somehow, i will still and always get hurt in some way. I am now focusing on the bad and harms he have given me, what about the good? I know, you let me into his life, and let him into mine is not just by chance, you have planned. There is a purpose and i know it is good, but i have to admit, i am hurt and i have sinned. I am so sorry Father, can you forgive me and i really will be clean and pure after this, no more bullshit relationships. If he is not willing to take responsibility for us then i will let go, i will listen to your words and i will give a bright gift in his life and walk away. Our lifes will be fine. I really hope after this, we will becuase of this bond more than before and be clear pure and whole new. Start fresh and to grow together and blessed by your glory. I don't know what is purity and i don't know if being with him is still a thing that you are happy for. Father i really am sorry for what i have done, i have done sins without your guide and your wisdom. I thought i was, and i was wrong, i thought i was doing the right thing, i though i really was connected with you Father, what else should i do, what else can i be more strong and more up lifting. "Coninue my way of being a sunshine to others and don't let this storm change who you are." AM I WORTHY TO BE YOUR DUAGHTER? Father i feel i have no more right to be your daughter after all this, i need to cry out loud and let you know how much wounds and sorrow i still have in me, it is so complicated, the water is so deep that i cannot know what is wrong with my heart and my feelings. Please speak to me Father, please, I need you to be clear and speak to me.

[charlenetung]

A New Chapter 2019.5.07

So is it me or everyone who is in a relationship? I need to let Ian know clearly what i want and if he is at my same standard than i know we can work out and go through this together. - i hope you see me in for who i am, and will regardlessly give yourself to the future for us. - do you see value in my core value. I see the good in people. - are you feeling afraid or do you feel you have a purpose. - i will try to makes us priority, make ones self priority is very important. - i hope you and i meet each others standards - We can fight the good fight together - Run the race together - Keep the faith in us. it's not that he is not good, he is not good enough. Or i feel i can meet someone better. But if i think this way, it feels like i just left him alone. And i know it's not me to be in his life to change what he wants in his life, i am here in his life only to support him and respect his choices, hive him strength and light, i cannot decide for him whether if he wants to try or not. I can only let him know, he stands a very important roll in my life and i have learned so much since i have met him. I have learn so much not just by recieving but by giving whole heartly tp him, becuase that's my faith and how i see us. We have so much , life ahead of us and i have no idea what will happen, what our goals are what our future will be like, rich?poor?misarable?living the life of our dreams?successful?or just. Happy. I don't know, but i know right now i have a purpose with you, we might not understand now but we will. If he is willing to stay, i will spread my arms around you and we can learn how to love together, Heaven came down the moment i met you and spring is ahead. His hair will become white like flowers on a almond tree. Come and kiss me oncce more becuase your love is better than wine. "I almost wish we were butterflies and lived but three summer days - three such days with you, I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.” - John Keats

[charlenetung]

A Whole New Me 2019.4.24

So a lot of things happened through these months. I’ve writing my dairy since August last year 2018. I can say, not much happened but in a good amount of pressure and emotions. Roller coaster like, i feel like it’s a good time to close one long chapter and start a new exciting one. Chapter 1 : God has done so many great things. It has been 9 months since i have moved back to Shanghai, and i can say i have done a lot. Experienced love for the first time, how heart it is to feel with breakups, how to manage self emotions and hard work pays off. So many that i can't say at once, all i know is that I AM GRATEFUL. Firstly the biggest thing i think in life is LOVE. I never thought i could be this lucky to met someone like IAN. He is kind, compassionate, intellegent, humouros, self cared and hard working just like me. We are not perfect but we are giving our best to each other. We've gone through storm in the begginning, i did. We've went on a trip together not long ago to Xi An. I gave my virginaty to him, big deal i guess. He is really good, and i am really good so i guess we are really conected. I think we've gone through many connections and feel we do have a bond. However who knows what will happen, all i know is that i should still have faith in us and truely belive that we will be togtehr for at least 2 or 3 years. It is a little scary for me, to know i will be in a relationship that long. I can say everything i say or do now is from my thoughts. I have faith in myself just like GOD has faith in me. All i know is that my days from now with him will be very steady and overwhelming love. It might have downs and boring times, it may have tough and bumpy times. But i belive that this is unfailing love for both of us. We will make a good team as long as i believe in him. To know someone that long is actually really a scary thing for me, i have no idea how long i can last for this, but i know i'm not the kind of person who is not grateful and hard working in relationship. I feel sometimes maybe i'm the one who is more scared of the relationship we will have than him. I think we all both need to be more mature but a child like heart. I assume when you are looking at this dairy, typed down you are already now far ahead the dreams you planned. Charlene who you are is the most important and you know you are the daughter of GOD. Jesus came down to sacrifice his life for you, you have so much love and passion in you. You will spread your wings and light through the whole world. Back to the story : JOB, WORK. What is the definition if this, you get paid for what and why? As a producer now, what are your goals and dreams from today. What WAS your dream? I remember i wanted to be international ACTRESS. Is that still in your heart? What sparks you? Should i also be a WORSHIPER who sings the great of GOD? Or i can be a DIRECTOR? Or i can be a NATURE PRODUCER? What is the vision you had? Do you still you remember? I remember i was in LOS ANGELOS, CALIFORNIA. Livinig at a studio on my own, looking down at from the balcony, seeing the waves crash towards the beach. I am wearing a slik light pink pajamas, the wind blows through my face. I can never imagine how much love i have in my body and soul to be so grateful to be there, standing high living the dream of my life. I feel relaxed and loving, that confident in my soul is bursting out and i can never hold it back, it's like the water that is continuesly pouring out. I look back at my studio, bright, comfortable. A sofa a TV, a bed and a huge book shelf, a long closet with clean and beautiful cloths. Easy and simple. I travel around the world for my work. But my house, where i belong is near the beach. I go downstairs, walk to to beach, set there and have a sip of green tea, looking back, remmebering the moment when i'm in the office writing this letter to myself on Tumblr. Thank you Father for givining me big dream. I suppose i can imagine these feelings and dreams when and where ever i want. That is the biggest power i have. Back to Chapter 1 : Family. My family has been in a roaller coaster ride. Mostly mom and James are always argueing and fighting. I had one huge fight with my mom and James, well i didn't fight with my brother just didn't give him a good attitude during Chinese new years. I had a fight with my mom becuase she thinks HL wrote a news about my father and assulting her. And another time we had a fight becuase of IAN, she didn't really like him when he hurt my heart. Anyways that's all in the past. All this is in the past, but most importantly it shapes who i am. I am shaped with my experiences and my values. I went on amazing shoots in the company IDC. Went to W HOTEL and went on AVENGERS shoot. OMEGA, DISNEY, PORCHE, FERRARI and all, i am proud of myself, truly i know i can do anything through Jesus, he has gave me so much strength and power. What is happeneing now in the office is so funny, they are shooting in the office for the big company's internal video, they are literally shooting behind me. I really really miss acting, i feel the blood in me still and never disapears. The gift that GOD has given me is still always in my blood. I will be on Friday, today is Wednesday and i feel so refreshed. GOD's mercy is enough for my everyday, today is a new day! a whole new day for you and me! Peace everyone, live your heart with love and passion. We only seek fear and love so you have nothing to lose. Just rememebr your dreams and goals in your heart, belive and act. Bless you have a wonderful life!

2019.4.24 C.T